An opinion not a review...
I'm having a very hard time understanding why morality fuels mediocrity. I'm all for the banishment of mediocrity. By all means it should be expunged from our lives as it holds us back from our true potential. I'm sure that like any good and loving parent, God cringes when he watches us decide that 70% is good enough, it meets the status quo and that's all I care to do with my life. (pull hair out in exasperation)
But morals if anything is a needed component for us to achieve greatness. And in your own view, that can be to either great goodness or horrid evil. Morals and Morality are our compass, without them it matters not how powerful or majestic our ship may be, we will be lost and without direction. They are that by which we set out course.
Now that you have killed off mediocrity and have your engine set at full speed ahead do you have your course set?
Decent story and it flowed along fine. Unfortunately your grammar is about as horrid as mine.
One thing I would suggest is reading the story out loud to yourself. I'm often able to catch my mistakes by doing this. There are a few sentences that would read better with only minor changes.
"I pulled into the parking lot of Don’s Cafeteria and found a space close to the entrance and pulled my yellow Volkswagen van into it." VS "Pulling into the parking lot of Don’s Cafeteria I was able to find a space near the entrance to park me yellow Volkswagen van."
" I followed the hostess to a table near the middle of the cafeteria and took a seat facing the front of the cafeteria." We already know we're in the cafeteria so you can drop the second reference. " I followed the hostess to a table near the middle of the cafeteria and took a seat facing the front."
Other than that well done. Was this an exercise for a class?
More an opinion of what you said than a critique of how you said it. BINGO - you've got it! You hinted at part of the reason why people get to this point but didn't quite spell it out. For a great many men, and to a lesser degree women, we find a great deal of our self worth at work. We like to feel indispensable and will take on more projects than are sometimes possible to manage. This line "....lost sight of why we are even doing those activities to begin with" is a key question for us to ask ourselves. Why am I doing this, and what am I expecting to get out of it, are questions we need to ask.
The one thing I've lately taken to heart is the only thing that matters in this life are our relationships. It's the only lasting impact we leave behind. If what I'm doing in my life isn't positively impacting those around me then there is something wrong with what I'm doing.
Thanks for a great post. I hope you've got a blog somewhere that you've thrown this up on.
Sorry I have to be honest and say my overall impression is "Meh!" And I so wanted to like this. I liked the images that you started out using. I loved the fact that you were showing where, from whom and just what it was that you were getting your "self" from. I was right with you up till the line " Now its been seven long years working in a job"
I'm afraid that it was at this point you seemed to really be stretching perhaps searching how to span the time from being a child to now as an adult with adult responsibilities weighing you down and clouding the vision of you being a bright shining star.
I'd love to see you re-craft the end of this poem. You've "got it" and you're so close but it needs a bit more editing a bit more fine tuning to get the end to run as neatly as the beginning.
A line like, "and in this run i got no time for my family." could simply be changed to "and in this run I've had no time for family."
"It showed nothing and slowly trickled down" vs. "but nothing I saw as it slowly trickled down"
Something has to change with that final line. I get the fact that all you see is the finality of your office building, but it needs to be said differently. "flowing down the curbside my dreams but drown" (is that the idea you were trying to convey?)
Sorry if what I've written seems overly critical. I really tend to be very lavish with my praise when I review. The reason I've written the way I have is that I see so much potential with this poem. Please take some time, after you cool down from reading this and see iif there isn't' something more that wants to come out.
Warm regards and deep respect,
Mike (Rong) Kenney
and yes the wife spells that with a "W"
In answer to your question Yes thankfully I am escaping Hell. I would like to understand what your personal intent was behind this diatribe. If it were to bring the reader to a healthy fear of the Lord I think you've missed the mark. Instead you've unleashed, with no contextual framework, the wrath of God's just punishment on a sinful people. Without a clear understanding of the divide between God's righteousness and mans fallen nature you've left your readers with a picture of an insane, unjust and cruel god.
Please don't take this as utter condemnation I am just trying to understand what exactly you were trying to achieve.
Hated, hated, hated! Your story was so well crafted and the characters were painted so well that I could see and almost feel what it was like to be them. I could feel their pain and suffering, the loss of their daughter and their drifting distance from one another. But I simply hated the way you ended the story. I wanted George to fly sooner and you made me cry at the end.
Seriously what a wonderful story. I really did love your character development and I really felt like I knew what it would feel like to not only sit in George's recliner but I could hear the silence and the loss of love in the home. Very well done and now I'm going to have to go search for what other delightful tales you may have crafted.
I studied a number of religions as a young man and Christianity is the one that's make the most sense to me. All of the other religions I've looked into had major theological components that just didn't make them tenable to me. No matter how slight my faith has been at times I've always some back to Christ as being the truth.
Huh? I think I get what you're asking but the way you're asking it makes no sense at all. I have a belief that Australia exists but I find out that I'lll never actually get there so I don't believe in Australia?? Seriously that's what you'e proposed with this poll.
I'd really love to know what you're truly after in asking this question. Is there a personal dilemma that you're trying to come to grips with?
I don't know enough about poetry to be feel I can give you an honest critique. However I used to dabble a bit myself and just wanted to say that I love the imagery you've created. I so want to know what each line represents to you. I mean I can read bits and pieces into it but they are based on my preconceived notions and probably don't have one wit of what you are trying to convey.
"Everything is empty of any conclusion,
everything is sorrow and sad delusion." >>>> LOVE IT!
Are you really asking about personal existence or the truth of that which we are told is reality? I believe in myself - do I believe in what I see?
Thanks for sharing.
PS I would have rated it higher if I could have gotten a better grasp of picture you are painting - but that may be my problem not that of this poem.
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