Thanks for your entry. I have read it and am reviewing it now. I was very impressed with every aspect of this work. The setting was superb. Prose seamless and strong. This is not first draft, it has been labored over.
The story itself is exciting and compelling. It's hard to do war and combat in a way that's believeable and you succeed here wonderfully. It's scary too. This is a hybrid tale, part war, part horror. And the way you segue into the horror part is fun and ingenious.
A few points: I was confused from the start at what war this was supposd to be and where. You do a superb job of bringing the local terrain (crucial to men in combat and an important detail) alive, but the overall setting is vague. Time and Place and overall context of this battle are just as important and need to be expanded. ALso, the suspense need more build-up. Growing dread at the fall of night is so compelling as a device to develop this. There is a recent history of predation that you hint at, but could use more detail. PErhaps you could use your WONDERFUL gift for dialogue to have one of the men tell a short story about an attack from a previous night. I would also like to see a stronger narrative voice, which would make for more drama.
Your 4.5 reflects great storytelling skills, a fine imagination and perfect wordsmithing. I LOVED your dialogue! A little more detail, some past history and heightened suspense and this will be a genuinely terrifying and mesmerizing read.
Thank you again for sharing this,
Judge Mongeaux :p
Wonderful! Very wry and wity, you have managed to convey lots of detail in a cute monolgue style that doesn't ever bog down. You have a true flair for dialogue, too. Very good work.
Wonderful! I love the Julio-claudians: they're so over-the-top, even though my current favorite is the later emperor Vespasian, because he was such a wit. You did a fine job making them seem real and the history was first rate! Wonderfully erudite.
So what are you going to do with this? It seems more like an exercise or a sketch of a longer piece. I'm not sure how to rate the actual writing, except to say it's a bit skimpy in the detail and exposition department, which woud be normal for an outline. I'd love to see it developed more, especially since you have such a fine gift for weaving historical fact into a story in such a way as to make it seem real and vibrant.
I want MORE! That collapsible boat scene is such a tragico-comic event, it's monty python for real and deserves full development.
By the way: my eel poem was based in part on Thomas Gray's "Ode on the Death of a Favourite Cat Drowned in a Tub of Gold Fishes". You know what the name of the cat was?
Agrippina! Ha! I clicked on your story and was floored.
Absolutely the BEST story I have read on this site to-date (of course I have only been on this site since friday)! Funny, funny funny! I laughed out loud all through it. Reminds me of the best of Keith Laumer and his "Retief" series before he got old and ran out of steam. Really, this is publishable -
But it's not a short story. It's a novel for sure. The pacing, the story. It all screams for more. I mean the ending is really cute, but it just screams the whole thing to an abrupt stop and has the feeling of being tacked on. You HAVE to keep up with it.
Utterly superb in all ways. I am in awe...
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