I found your poem using the Read A Newbie feature and thought I'd do my best to send a proper review.
My Thoughts:
My immediate response was what a coincidence. I wrote a pretty emotional piece on the subject of time only hours ago. Perhaps it's because I can relate to the feeling of time rushing by far too quickly that I enjoyed your work, which I thought was well-written.
My Favorite Part:
I could not help smiling when I noticed what you did here.
This instant, this second, this moment in time Is the only sure thing I can truly call mine
The idea that the present is something we can call ours is a refreshing philosophy, in a world ruled by corporations, the "boss man" and routine. It's inspiring.
My Suggestions:
I don't claim to know technicalities in poetry, so I try to stay away from that. However, there is one stanza where the flow felt slightly broken.
So let's live in the present not future or past
And treasure each experience that goes by so fast
Perhaps it's the four-syllable word, "experience." However, I could not come up with anything better. In other words, I'm probably wrong but I wanted to give honest feedback.
I found your story on the "No Dialogue Contest-CLOSED" page. Congratulations on being on of the winners for this story! I am a member of the WDC SuperPower Reviewers Group, and I am happy to review you!
My Thoughts:
Great opener! I was sucked into the story right away with the heart painted in blood. I love thrillers! Finding out this was a female serial killer made it even more delicious.
You stuck to the prompt perfectly. She was definitely flirting with him in her own bizarre way. That, or he imagined it. Either way, it works!
I wondered if he would be her next victim, which brings me to my next point. I can totally see this being a longer story. There are so many unanswered questions (that you can't really fit into 700 words or less), like do they ever end up together? Was she really contemplating retirement and continued only because of her attraction to him? Where did he store the keepsakes she left for him? It must of felt like he was committing the crime himself, since he would have had to be so careful.
My Favorite Part:
You are very precise in describing his routine, his attire, the tools of the trade, etc. I was able to imagine how meticulous he must have been, almost as if he took extra care on the scenes of her crimes. At least, that's how it played out in my head.
My Suggestions:
I only saw one small typo when reading this cool story. I think you may have meant to say snake instead of sake below.
"The wanton passion, the thrill of danger, the garden sheers tucked away underneath the bed like a sake waiting to uncoil."
I don't know much about poetry, but you are an amazing poet in my eyes. I got little chills, and a genuine smile (much needed for me these days) while reading your poem. As a person who currently feels a little disconnected from nature, mostly due to living at work and going home to a concrete jungle (apartment), I long to do something like this myself--plant a tree . I feel like it would really help me spiritually.
Anyway, I really loved this poem. It's inspiring and fills me with hope. Thank you for sharing.
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I am a member of the WDC SuperPower Reviewers Group, and I am happy to review you!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "