I find myself wondering about things, like if Johnny has a job and is his drinking affecting that as well. I see a hard boiled detective or a private eye. I also wonder how old Colby is and a few things about Susan.
You caught my interest but this needs to be more than a short story....
This was......interesting, to say the least. I don't think I'll ever hear of white albino naked lab mice the same again, nor will I stop wondering about the attraction of rubbing them on one's head.
I would cut down the description to "My revenge won't bring me answers. Just questions." The "four years have passed" just sets the reader up for a long flashback and a lot of readers do not like them.
I would enlarge the font size and break down some of the larger paragraphs.
Break up the sentences. They are much too long.
I like the idea. There's a story to be told here. There's just a lot of telling rather than showing.
I don't know that "squeak" is the right word or sound. Crunch, maybe. I just can't see (or hear) snow squeaking....unless maybe it was slushy.
I get the feeling Tim is a ghost when he "drifted forward". When you describe Luke as "ravaged by age and infirmity" I start to think that Tim is there to guide Luke to be with him on the other side.... It makes me feel his ache all the more when he has to leave.....
You? stay out of trouble? are you kidding? I come hunt you down wheN i want to start some!!!!
I always thought 6 ft trees were too big anyhow. Better to go with a smaller tree, just not a tabletop tree on TV tray like my brother has. Maybe a 3ft tree?
We are getting the warnings of a harsh winter as well. I still need a good pair of boots before the snow hits. Terry and David always stock up on stuff so I don't have to worry about the pantry.
I would personally love to see the Earth that the USS Enterprise so strongly protects and serves. I think I would of put at least "SciFi-verse" on there.
The more I read, girl, the more we have in common. I collect stationery and pens of all sorts. I just love material to enhance my writing and it serves to inspire me.
I'm not only learning about reviewing from you, I need to learn how to use more WritingML in my stories and my blog. Mine is so terribly plain.
So hopefully we can learn from each other and both grow as writers.
I wish you peace and inspiration.
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