Hello Bruce,
Good chapter. I hope my review below is helpful and constructive and does not come across as critical and pretentious.
Tori
Technical-Grammar, spelling, and other bothersome rules of writing:
Technically this chapter is very well done. I found only one spot in which the errors were clearly due to oversight or carriage return mishap as it was not repeated elsewhere:opening quotations, and separate dialogues bunched together.
They finished their food and as they walked out from the dwelling, the town's warning horn started sounding. The three men ran towards the mayor’s house and met the mayor and the Duke in the street. Vialians,” the mayor said. “Coming from the forest and it looks like they are making for the main gate. “Get ready to open the gate,” the Duke shouted and he began to gather up his men. Morgan and the two friends went to the ledge near the gate.
Style-Reader's impression:
As for style, it is a fast paced battle scene written in such a way that the reader gets what is going on in general with Oliver sending his raiders to attack two different gates. Subtly, (as I have not read the whole story, only this chapter) I get the impression Oliver is both testing the town's defenses and timing the double attacks separately as a diversion to increase the odds of success for the second group of raiders.
Action scenes are, in my humble opinion, the hardest thing to write because we are trying make the action fast paced and exciting as action is in real life; good or bad it gets our adrenalin pumping. Conversely this can create too much confusion and bog the reader down in trying to figure out what is going on. It has been my experience that to add more descriptive detail in action scenes actually keeps the pace steady and the action exciting. For example:
... He [Morgan] turned his attention to help the other guard who was being forced away from the group and would soon be outclassed and killed. Baldwin took a blow to his left shoulder and was struggling with one hand. The first guard ran to help Baldwin, he came behind the raider and forced his sword into the raider's back. Morgan saved the other guard and they all turned as they heard a lot of running footsteps coming their way.
In this paragraph most of the attention has been on what Morgan is doing, so using descriptive detail realistic to not only the reader's but also the character's five senses we are briefly diverted to what is happening to Baldwin before we revert back to Morgan, and it's not such a jolt of shifted perspective. Such as:
... and killed. Morgan heard a cry of pain and saw Baldwin take a blow to his left shoulder but was too busy at that moment to assist. Luckily the first guard also saw and ran to help Baldwin, coming behind the raider and thrusting his sword into the raider's back. Morgan saved the other guard and they all turned as they heard a lot of running footsteps coming their way.
If you are concerned about descriptive detail inflating your word count then check out advice on "Show don't tell" from Max Griffin Max Griffin 🏳️🌈 or Vivian Vivian and thin out unnecessary detail in other non action scenes or narrative.
Suggestions-if necessary:
For some great examples of writing battle scenes and military life in medieval or fantasy stories check out Sheepfarmer’s Daughter by Elizabeth Moon and/or Crown of Stars series by Kate Elliot.
Very impacting! Makes a powerful statement about the life of the thinker. No doubt there are many who can empathize and feel pity for her predicament and share in relief as she decides to leave the oppressive environment of her childhood home. The only critique really is the change of perspective at the end, from 1st person to 3rd at the line, "Then it hits her..." This shocks the reader from their intimate companionship to suddenly feeling like they're with a stranger. If that shift is not intentional, consider researching on the internet: perspective and point of view in writing. You are brave to start with 1st person, its a hard point of view to master... I've never even tried it. Keep writing, you clearly have a talent for creating environment and mood with words!
Okay Kandy! Well done. I am still hooked. You have managed to stuff a great many plot devices into this one chapter. Greenhouse gases, a twist on survival of the fittest, aliens on the moon, VAMPIRES! I am really looking forward to what comes next for our hero! my only critique might be to see more descriptive detail, such as in your moon structures. It would be very appealing to imagine their size, shape, and quantity. This could just be because I am a visual orientated learner. Other readers my be quite satisfied. Thanks again for another chapter! I look forward to your next. Keep wiriting! Torie
Hook; that's what draws the reader in, and this opening definitely has it. I want to know more!
Characters; well I suppose there could many if this EART 2.0 turns into a full story, and the fist person perspectives introduces us to the main character right away.
Plot; very bold, and showing lots of potential!
Pace; even paced and keeps the reader reading.
I hope you turn this into a complete story. My most helpful input for you might on technicality; perhaps use a grammar and/or spell checker, or even find a beta reader for editing. The creativity is spot on! Keep writing.
Hi Bob, In this review I have used your own template, I hope you don't mind , so you get thoroughly detailed feedback:
First off, all three prompts, very impressive!
Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
The hook comes in by paragraph two when the "Mother Planet" is mentioned. There the reader becomes curious to learn more about these seemingly alien characters.
Characters — are they well rounded?
The character's personalities are presented immediately, first descriptively through the thoughts and opinions of CAPT Aksa then via dialogue for Adm. Yax, and there is never any doubt as what they are like so that in the end when Aksa presents his weapon to the Adm. it comes as no surprise he would do such a thing.
Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
The plot is subtle and and complex. It is first presented as a secret mission but soon forced to the back of the conscience by the action on board the Chocola as the crew is put to the task of getting the Admiral from point A to point B. In the end the reader is brought full circle as Yax lets Aksa in on the classified portion of the mission and then exhibits real depth of character revealing his motivations in choosing Aksa for the mission.
Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
The pace is steady and always moving forward. Each scene progresses the story using dialogue and action so that the reader continues in earnest anticipation of the outcome.
Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
The dialogue is colorful and evenly interspersed with description and action to build the story to climax. However, the use of alien words (Quetzal/Weetz) or alien usage of common words ([the] May) were initially distracting without explanation such as the origin of Weetz. It is clear from the start that Weetz is the god Aksa worships, but only later can the reader infer Weetz is THE God. (Unless these are not actually humans and the Mother planet is not actually Earth at all…?) As the plot wraps up the voice and language of the story are very apropos and the reader is in fact drawn into the world of the Az and May.
Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
Yes, in fact it is Adm. Yax's dialogue that leaves the reader in no doubt as to the distinctly different and apposing personalities of the two main characters. And though it is hard to imagine an Admiral using such dated (that far into the future) and casual language in the company of his subordinates, it is critical to his character development.
Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
As this is science fiction, and not science reality it would be difficult to not be grounded in the scenes, especially the use of advanced technology to pilot the ship… fully realized hands free! The Militarily superior/subordinate relationship between Yax and Aksa is handled very accurately and realistic in any world or universe, fact OR fiction.
Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
The theme is very original, downright surreal in places, (psychic navigation in faster than light travel). The philosophy/religion/ideology parallels that of present day Earth and might be intended to convey that when it comes to such intangibles as these, people will never change, no matter where/when they are.
Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.
Technically and stylistically The Imperial Starship Chocola is well put together. The description, dialogue, and action are evenly distributed. It is a short story with a plot that easily stands alone and lacks for nothing.
Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
Overall it is an ideal short story with interesting characters that draw the reader into the action toward a fulfilling and unexpected plot resolution.
Oh, this was hilarious! I loved every bit of it! The way the dialogue flowed seamlessly and even without indication it was very clear which was speaking, pumpkin or Jack-o-lantern. The comedy was unexpected, but of course it would be funny, its pumpkins and jack-o-lanterns! I especially enjoyed the English grammar lessons between them. I hope very much that you have won, or will win... good luck!
Torie
Good story, flows well, plot wise and keeps the reader interested. From the start the reader thinks he/she knows what the boy's parents are, then encounters just enough of a twist to realize that's not it, and the truth is revealed.
There are some instances where past and present are a little confused, such as: "Father especially, we never saw much of him anymore." The reader knows Davy is relating a past experience, perhaps from only a little while earlier, but in the action scenes it seems to be the present.
If that is so, wouldn't the sentence be "... we never see much of him anymore." Then in the very ending, "And it was the last time I saw him." implies the whole night actually took place some time ago.
Past and present tense make 'first person' one of the hardest perspectives to write, but in this story overall, it is well handled, and does not severely detract from the excitement.
Lastly, it may be the differences in the English language, such as in the UK and USA, but for American English, "Her dress was tore in many places,..." would be "Her dress [had been torn] in many places." because Davy had not witnessed the tearing of the clothing.
I hope very much that my review has been helpful and that you keep writing action packed, suspense thrillers such as this to continue to hone your craft to perfection. Thank you for sharing The Party on WDC.
Wow. Deep. I don't know much about poetry/prose, but I'd say this is definitely with-in the boundary of free verse poetry or prose. Very good story. I am very glad it ended well for Blinkin and the owner did not allow the bartender to shoot. If this is an example of one of your dreams then you are born to write. Thank you for sharing!
Torie
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