When I write a review I always write down the remarks/typos/mistakes I find in a story, while reading it. Below are the notes I made for “Don't Judge a Book by its Cover”:
“Why is a simple seven word phrase hold such a big significance” ← The first sentence, not even part of the actual text itself, seems to be a bit weirdly phrased. Though, since I haven't read the actual story, it might be intentional. If not, I would suggest changing it to: “How can such a simple (seven-word) phrase have such significance?”
I placed seven-word between braces, because in my opinion the sentence doesn't need to be that specific. However that's just my opinion.
“It is important to realize that one piece of information could have done all of the difference” ← I would change the ending of this sentence to: “could have made all the difference.”
As for the 'story' itself. I write 'story', because it definitely doesn't read like something you made up. It sounds like you experienced this first hand. So, first of all I am sorry to read that you were judged like this. That must have felt like a slap in the face. I agree with you on all points. Sadly enough, people will always judge. There is nothing you, or I, can do about it, other then to try and not judge the people around us.
First of all; awesome writing. As far as I can tell the story so far is flawless. You can tell that you put effort in it to get it like this. So yay for that. As a reader that makes me very happy.
What doesn't make me happy is that the story isn't done yet and I want to read how and if Sam will be able to fix this problem as well. I hope he does, because the way you the described the 'current' Houston, it sounds like pure torture.
I am curious what the prompt words were (my guess would be 'tattered', 'fuel' and maybe 'wings'?) for this 'lovely' story. Lovely, because of the way you wrote it. And perhaps even because of the subject of the story. It seems a bit sinister and dark, but on the other hand it is also story bursting with hope.
For such a short story, with a word limit of just 300 words, you have done really well in making it feel finished.
I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing!
Is it mean that I laughed a little once I got to the part where you told us – the reader - about your *coughcough* successful moon-spotting? Judging from the way you wrote this, I am guessing you will be pleased, since it seems to be the intention of your story to at least give the reader a good laugh.
It worked, and I want to thank you for the giggle! As for mistakes, typos or other remarkable things worth mentioning... I got nothing.
Such a cute and loving story. It is simple, as in the whole story revolves around a penny, but it is also so much more. Ben – who is obviously proud of her - supporting Terri, while she does what she enjoys most; run races.
Is the 'picking a penny brings luck'-thing, actually true or did you make it up for the story? I never heard of it, but that could be because I live in the Netherlands. Either way it was interesting to read.
Spelling and grammar wise I couldn't spot any errors. As far as I can tell the story is flawless and I enjoyed reading it very much.
My first and also only suggestion is to divide the first sentence in a few smaller ones. Right now, it takes up almost four lines. I am pretty sure a fullstop or two could improve it and make it easier to read. Other than that all I can say is that you have a very imaginative way of writing, which I find very pleasant and the song, well, the song is just simply 'wow'.
I am curious to know what the rest of the story is about. I will have to check and see if you posted more of it on WDC.
I hope you will enjoy your stay here and that you will share lots of stories with the rest of us.
I spotted your story at the 'Read a Newbie'-section and since it is close to my bedtime, I thought, what better way to end the day with a story about a dream.
The first thing that I notice is that you wrote: “I started yelling 'HE'S HERE... HE'S HERE!!!” Part of the beauty of playing with words is that you don't need shouty caps to let the reader know that someone is yelling. Neither do you need to use '!!!'. Just by stating 'I started yelling' you accomplished the same. Just add the '!' and you are done ;)
Also try to use more fullstops instead of commas. A fullstop serves as a breathing moment. To let the reader know that the sentence is done and something else is going to happen next. Or even to give a sentence more power.
You should also take a look at creating paragraphs, so it isn't all just one wall of text. Though I am not really allowed to say anything about this subject, since I am still guilty of doing the same :P
Just check out some of the other writers here at Writing.com, look at how they do it. I think, personally, that is the best way to learn.
Enough about the details. On to the story itself. Or, I suppose it is more a recalling of an event. You must have had a real good scare when you woke up after having that dream. I can only imagine the relief you must have felt to realize that it was 'only' a dream. And I can't even begin to imagine how you must have felt when you read the story in the newspaper on Sunday.
I am not sure if this was a good bedtime story though. It is definitely food for thought. Once again welcome to WDC!
The next words I am going to type could possibly be incredibly blond, but just in case they aren't... Is this story meant to be a mix of present and past tense? Because you go from the past tense (“Down he went into the basement. I heard many dings and pings of different size tools”), to the future tense (“I slowly open the door, gingerly peeking around the corner to take another unwilling look”) and back to past tense again (“After a spew of explicit curse words coming from below, I waited patiently as to what I felt was the appropriate amount of time.”) and so on.
I don't think I ever saw something like this before, that is why I was wondering. However it didn't bother me while I read the story. So perhaps it is normal and you have just introduced me to a - for me - new style of writing. I am just used to either only past tense, or future tense mixed with past tense when flashbacks or the like happen.
However it did make the first part a bit confusing “Sadly, my husband was busy at work.” when later it says “My husband is now wading through a pool of water...”
I assumed, while I was reading, that the husband was at work, that they (the husband and the 'I') discussed the plumber-thing on the phone and that it was the plumber who was making a mess of it. Again, this could just be my blondness acting up. It does that sometimes.
Luckily, it all became clear after I read it again along with the next paragraph(s). It is a well-written, easy-to-read and enjoyable story about the stubbornness of men. So very recognizable!
I got curious about your other bits of writing – poetry, sadly isn't my thing – so I picked out this, since I was pretty interested how you made WDC your home.
First a few minor typos:
'I use to write my dad poems' ← use = used.
'But it was then I found out about promotional status's' ← promotional status's = promotional status'... Not 100% sure on this one, but I have always learned that if a word ended with an 'x' or 's' and you said, for example, Lars' car, you don't add the 's, but just use the ' at the end of the word. But like I said before, not 100% sure.
Those are the typos I found before I got distracted too much by wanting to actually finish reading it all.
It is really fun to see how you got started here and how you became part of the community and the community became a part of you. Though I am sad to read that the community was also part of the reason why you decided to take a break, even sadder (is that even a word?) to read that your life took a turn for the worse, but in the end – like you said – you will always come back home and I am sure that your WDC family is really happy to have you back.
I hope I will be able to become a part of the WDC community as well.
Normally I have a whole lot to say. I don't believe in using just a few sentences, because it is hardly ever enough to clearly convey all I want to say. In this case. The case of this beautiful gem, I am speechless. I randomly choose to read it, with no clue that I would be left without words. But I am.
I have been writing reviews the last few hours, but this is the first one – except for a poem – that has no spelling mistakes (that I could discover). Which is a nice, because it gives me a break from pointing them out. Though I, of course, don't mind doing that. It used to help me a lot when people pointed out my mistakes. Anyhow, I am going waaay off-topic.
So back to this incredibly well written story. I have to admit that at first the size scared me, but once I got into the story I now just wish it was longer. Sentences like these:
“Um, er, yes, likewise,” he stammered, his normal confidence shattered by the close proximity of this gorgeous creature, and he became uncomfortably aware of his embarrassment.
It’s a bit sketchy; there is a slender thread, but it may break if I can’t get confirmation.
They make me, as a reader, very happy and as a writer, pretty jealous. And your story is filled with them. I did have to scratch my head a bit when Dan asked Sonia about her daughter's engagement. It seems a bit too forward for an almost complete stranger to ask about something that personal. Then again, it is a story and he did ask kindly if it was okay. And I suppose it would be even longer if you hadn't rushed certain parts. Though I wouldn't have complained at all about it!
In short; I really enjoyed reading your story. Thank you for sharing it with us all!
'… Jake was maybe a year when he wondered into our yard.' ← 'wondered' = wandered
'I think he was my moms pal too' ← moms pal = mom's pal.
'We ate everything together, except he ate my broccoli, cause I never liked the stuff, and a couple of times I tried his dog food, I didn't like that stuff either.' ← Maybe rephrase the first part 'We ate everything together, except broccoli, he ate it, because I never liked the stuff...'
'All thru school we were pals' ← thru = through (not exactly wrong, since both are allowed).
'"Where is Jake" I asked?' ← “Where is Jake?” I asked.
The above are just minor things that I wanted to point out, before giving my opinion about the story itself. It is written as if you were sitting across from me, telling me about your amazing dog. In a casual way, that makes it very natural. The part where you talk about the broccoli is a good example of this. I am guessing there was a real Jake? Cause if not, you could have fooled me.
The first thing I notice, which has absolutely nothing to do with the story itself, is that the layout of the text is a bit distracting. There doesn't seem to be any 'breathing'-space left. If that makes sense. I would suggest adding a few blank lines, so that the text itself looks cleaner. Maybe a bigger font, as well. Try looking at how other writers do it. A clean layout makes a story a lot more inviting to your readers.
Now on to the actual story. I really like the way you drag the reader right into the story with smooth descriptions that do not look forced. It reads away, well, really smooth. I had to re-read this sentence a few times, though: 'Pain meant that she was alive, something that she had doubted ever being again after last night.'
It doesn't feel right, I can't explain why, but maybe you should consider rephrasing the wording of it a bit. Perhaps it is the 'being ever again'-part that is bothering me. After all you are alive or you are dead. I don't think there is an 'again'-option. Especially not in Kayla's case.
'She must have been more injured than what she had believed when she had awoken.' Another sentence that misses the easiness of the other sentences. Perhaps change it to something like 'Her injuries must have been a lot more serious than she had believed when she woke up.' That way you get rid of that extra 'had' in there.
'A small group of women were knelt by the campfire...' ← Maybe remove the 'were' from that line?
'She savoured the sounds...' ← Try to avoid using similar phrases shortly after each other. Perhaps change this second savoured to 'treasured' or 'enjoyed' or anything that says the same without actually saying the same.
'The woman had a welcoming smile on her face and there was no sign of any reproach in her eyes as she regarded the younger woman before her.' In this sentence – though this is more of a personal preference than anything else – I would remove the 'younger woman', and just say Kayla, because you already refer to the old woman as 'old woman' and do this multiple times during the dialog between her and Kayla, it might be confusing to refer to Kayla as 'younger woman'.
'Even though he was the camp leader he was not a man who would shirk his duties not his responsibilities' ← It might be because my first language isn't English, but the ending of this sentence doesn't make sense to me. My guess, however, is that you only meant to use either 'his duties' or 'his responsibilities', but forgot to remove the other one.
'“You play with fire, my love. I hope you are strong enough to deal with it when it rages.”' ← Very nice sentence, nicely worded, it made me smile while reading it.
I like how you waited till almost the end of the story/chapter to reveal that rather important detail about Kayla. Especially nicely done with the blood reference just before it.
You have a very nice way of writing, setting the mood, the surroundings and other things that make a story, a story. Though sometimes the long sentences you use confuse me, but that might just be my short memory. Just a tip; there are times when a short sentence can be a lot more powerful than a long one.
I hope my review was helpful to you in some way. Thank you for the interesting read!
~ Passionate
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