Not being an expert in what works and doesn't work in poetry, I can only go with where a poem takes me. There is a tear in my eye. My father has been gone now 18 years and yet this poem brought those motes of dust into the light.
One of the best gauges of a memoir is its ability to evoke emotion (at least in my book). This story ellicited so many of mine, I am not sure where to start. So far this is the first one from the memoir contest I have read and can see the difficulty in the judging that existed.
Fear, that was the first emotion. I think the loss of a child is one of the greatest fears in the world! I watched my parents change completely. John's pain was next. I loved school and know how I would try to get around illness (mumps comes to mind, nothing earth-shattering), to have your body ravaged and be kept from something you love was palpable for me. Your shock and then emotional pain and rollercoaster were next. Finally, tears with you.
I can see why this placed in the contest. Don't you just love it when a dream alters when you haven't solved the first part yet, you are on to the next. About interpretation, I don't know if I would go there, some do.
There is a sentence I learned as a child, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." No one can choose their station in life, I agree. It is our duty as humans to look out for those in need.
Your thoughts were well-organized and you points well-taken. The analogy about the mother and children added a real dimension to the point you were making.
There is some repetition of some of your points. The best suggestion is to read it out loud and work from there.
That last part is good to know. I think. This is truly funny.
I have the same problem here save the talking in his sleep. He has been scheduled by the doctor for sleep studies twice that he postponed, indefinitely the second time.
Quite a powerful story! Having an anorexic niece gave me a glimpse into her pain. I am obese by some standards, but at 39, her body has been so ravaged she may not live to see her children grown.
I found the link to this item in the December 22 Noticing Newbies Newsletter.
This is a wonderful story. You say in your description that it is a true story so I was puzzled that it was not told in first person. As a memoir, it would have more impact on the reader. It still struck me, but not as much as when I looked up and saw "true story."
I was drawn to this by the title as I have a couple of outhouse stories of my own that link me to people I love. One is my dad and the other is the owner of the outhouse, my great-grandmother (it was a two seater).
I would suggest some work on the spacing and paragraphing in the story and a first person account.
I love it, the lyric of a limerick and a solid pun and laugh at the end. Thanks for sharing. BTW, I found the link to this limerick showcased in the December 8th Noticing Newbies Newsletter.
Truer words have never been spoken. I have the same person standing on the other side of my own mirror and I truly wish she would leave me alone. Just know that you are not alone.
This poem was featured in the October 6th Spiritual Newsletter on humor.
I found the link to this item in the September 29th Noticing Newbies Newsletter.
I expected some cute animal story when I started reading. This is a beautiful tribute to the flag. I can't remember which of my pieces I have written about my dad, but in one of them I remember the honor and care he taught me about the flag every holiday as I helped him hang it from the column on the porch. I would have run out into traffic with you.
Thank you for sharing! Thank you also for signing on that dotted line to protect the freedoms most of us take for granted.
Write ON!!
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It is so hard to rate something like this. I am assuming this is fiction (if it is not please don't take this constructive criticism harshly).
I got a good picture of Natalie and her hospital room but it wasn't created in my mind, every detail was given to me by the narrator. It is a good story, but it should tell itself more. For instance:
Her short brown hair curled joyously around her face and her hazel eyes crackled with life.
Not a good idea, but off the cuff:
Her short brown hair once providing a curly frame to her face and hazel eyes that once crinkled with laughter now torn by pain.
In the example paragraph above you repeat descriptions. As in, once you have indicated her eyes are hazel, it is redundant to repeat the color.
You give vivid description to the body in the ground but we know little about the living who probably should have more of the focus. Though the reader needs description, it should be shown and felt rather than told. I didn't feel anything.
The last paragraph (bearing your title) seems like an addendum rather than a denouement. Perhaps it should move to the beginning and then flash back to the illness.
This is a good start on a short story.
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What a wonderful piece. Children and grandchildren evoke so much inside of us. I feel sorry for people who don't feel emotions. I was referred to this poem by a reader who rated my "Invalid Item" .
Write ON!!
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I found the link to this article in the July 21 For Authors Newsletter.
This article nailed the need for a certain amount of censorship, even in this free country! We Americans avow our freedoms, sending our youth to fight for those freedoms and turn around and use those freedoms to put the same youth in grave danger. This isn't a delusion of this author's mind but accurate reporting (something some reporters wouldn't recongnize).
Thank you for sharing!
Write ON!!
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This poem was linked in the July 14 Spiritual Newsletter. The contemporary Christian tune of the song, "Give Thanks" was echoing in my brain by the time I finished this poem. Delightful.
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I have to agree with much of what you say about "they." I like the visual you have created with color and italics. That said the theys are inconsistent, some being italiced and some not.
This is a powerful rant on "they"!
Write ON!!
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I found the link to this poem in the June 30 Noticing Newbies Newsletter.
The author describes it as a children's story and as I read it aloud (as I would to my grandchildren) I could see drawings in my head of the happenings. (If only I could actually draw.)
I was interrupted by the lack of ending quotations on the spoken parts.
Write ON, newbie!!
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I was interrupted by the lack of ending quotations on the spoken parts.