Very touching story. Reminds me of O. Henry. I'm glad you shortened it. Though I haven't seen the original, I think any longer wouldn't have worked for this.
You have the potential to make this great. You have a good story. Now you just need to work with how you present it. I would suggest Grace Palley to read if you want to know how to work well within the short short idea.
Your poem has tremendous potential, but it's hiding behind several things that turn it into something overlooked. The following suggestions are merely those of my personal opinion. You know, of course, as a writer, you have final say over everything you write. You can just throw away this review, and that's all right by me.
Hmm . . . I suppose, starting at the top.
I love your title. Leave it. It's brilliant. Simple. Elegant.
I don't think you need the comma at the end of your first line. It cuts the two lines into a weird fragment that could work in some cases, but as the rest of the your poem is more coherent, I suggest making it uniform.
As to the rhyming, I can't be overly critical because I used two write a lot of stuff using it. But I'm wondering if it's constraining you too much. There are times when I feel like you're writing the next line solely for the rhyme, and the meaning and feeling get lost because of that. My suggestion would be to play with it. Maybe try writing a version without the rhyme, and see if it feels any better. If you are to rhyme, then I would suggest to rhyme unexpectedly. "Again" and "end" have been far too over-rhymed in pop songs, and because of that it loses a lot of the power it had at it's beginning.
(slight digression: Don't you hate how cliches have been ruined? Originally they were packed with so much energy and emotion, but through overuse they're weak and we as poets can't use them anymore.)
I love the idea behind the first two lines of your second stanza. It's surprising and I love the emotional image it makes. However, the wording muddles this feeling and it doesn't come completely out. Maybe try something else besides "ran right through me" and "tried to shoot my guy." I realize this is the meat of this thought, but by changing around how you say this, by focusing less on words to fill up the syllables of your meter and more on the content of those words, you'll have much more effective poetry.
Here's an example of what I might do with it.
(rhyming example)
"Bullet ripped through skin and me
as I shot not you but I."
(free verse example)
"Now I'm perforated with bullet
holes meant for you."
Not the best examples, but different ideas.
Third stanza, I like the idea of not being in heaven or hell, but limbo. Maybe you could play with that a little more in this and eliminate the next bit. I don't like the lines "stayed by your side" or "how you cried." They're bordering on cliche and the latter seems like another line forced by rhyme.
As poets, we have the (sometimes seemingly) insurmountable task of being original. That means that we can very rarely use cliches and when we do use them, we basically have to turn them on their heads.
Something else I've learned recently in poems is that you can create more emotion in the reader by saying less, by saying everything BUT the emotion. It's a very difficult thing to master and I can't pretend that I'm anywhere close. But maybe something to think about when you're editing this one. One of the more postmodern poets who does this in fairly simple language is Robert Creeley. Check out his poems "The Language" and "The World."
Like I said, this poem has a fair amount of potential. There are eruptions of beautiful ideas and surprising elements. They just need to be flushed out and made shiny.
Well, Rachel Marie, just to prove you wrong, I have read some of your work. And now I'm going to try to help you as much as I can without turning the poem into both of our work.
GRAMMATICAL
In stanza 4, the rhyme ends in lines 2 and 4 with "sleep" and "asleep". Yes, sleep rhymes with sleep! Just teasing. That last line "For sleep is only sleep" is an awesome, powerful line, so we're leaving it. You might want to change the second line to something like "Memories to keep", or maybe "Sanity to reap". Or possibly "Tossing, covers deep". Just some suggestions. That's the only grammatical error I can find.
CONTENT
I really like the flow of words and the rhyme all over the poem. It doesn't have a word (besides asleep) that throws it off. The last line is especially powerful, since the reader thinks it means two things, that the narrator wants to die, and wants just to never stop dreaming. It gives off the feeling that you had real reason behind it instead of just coming from your imagination.
The rating does not reflect as truly as I wish it would. I rate, not according to this scale, but on a 10-point scale. So instead of a 3.5, it would be a 7. Instead of a 4.5, it would be a 9, etc. This is the best way to get true ratings through to people...
Yours for the reviewing,
Puzzled
O aka Milo Thatcher
E
T
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Just teasing. That last line "For sleep is only sleep" is an awesome, powerful line, so we're leaving it. You might want to change the second line to something like "Memories to keep", or maybe "Sanity to reap". Or possibly "Tossing, covers deep". Just some suggestions. That's the only grammatical error I can find.