The beginning of the story brought me into it wanting to continue. I liked the way you showed an emotion of sadness as she looked out onto the vast waters. Water symbolizing emotions and how far or long she may have been sad. You also did a good job of showing the pain of a couple who have lost a child. And then the climax of the story with the husband coming up missing brought my thoughts to a question of the suicide of the husband. However, the ending fell flat for me. I was unclear of the last paragraph and what this had to do with the story. Was this what took the boy and the husband? It left me not understanding the ending.
Very good! Quite an emotional piece. You have a great way with words and your ending is very powerful and to the point. I really liked this. It also makes a great first person statement and shows the thoughts are all about the self and the self's feelings. It also has good rhythm and flow. Excellent!
I enjoyed this poem. I sense a person who was lost and didn't. feel worthy of love and affection even though it was brought to the forfront. I also feel the wall that is put up to guard against hurt and sometimes that puts one in the dark unable to see. The ending of the poem was very uplifting and positive.
Very well written. Your description brought out great images. It flowed nicely without breaks to down the cadance. I especially liked stanza #5. "take a taste of her peace" very nice. The title is also very fitting of the prose. I enjoyed reading it.
So sad. Lost souls are hard to recover. I really tried for 35 years on my drummer. I eventually gave up, Nice tribute and I am sure he would have appreciated it. It's nice to be able to write when you have sorrow to endure. Your writing is very well done.
Very nice story. I love music and musical intruments even though I play none. I lived with a drummer for 35 years so I do have a little background on the subject. He was a good drummer, but unfortunately as many musicians of our time do, he put his energy into drugs and alcohol and became a wasted talent. I did enjoy your story. Thanks for sharing.
A good suspenseful story. I was pulled into the story from the begining and wanted to continue to read. I could feel the anxiety of the character.
I did have some problems with the flow of the story because of punctuation and grammar. There was much needed comma usage that was omitted in your story. Example: 1st paragraph, 5th sentence should be: After walking for about 10 minutes, (comma incerted here) I saw a tall black house with lit candles by the window.
Also 'and' should be incerted in some sentences or instead of one long sentence, it could be made into 2. Example: 1st paragraph, 7th sentence: I shouted to see if anyone was home, and ( comma with and inserted here)I received no response.
I was confused with the 1st sentence in paragraph 6 that starts with 'Then he'. Recheck that sentence for correct wordage. Also, I am not sure there would be a power outage for rain; wind or lightening maybe? At first I was confused as to what kind of power 'he' was missing; electric power or super power.
Reading your story outloud to yourself helps with punctuation and grammar somethings.
I thoroughly enjoyed your story. I thought this to be a great original idea of death and afterlife. You also did a great job of description of scenes and setting. I liked the mystery unfolding of where and what might be happening with him in the 4th paragraph. You also gave a great ending. I felt the reality and pain of being sucked back into life and pulled away from a paradise and the disappointment when he opened his eyes.
Consider: my thoughts while reading was that it would be good to have some back story of his life with maybe flashbacks including dialogue with Peggy or someone in his life.
All in all, very good story and I really liked it. Good job.
I do get your gripe! I could feel your emotion in this piece of writing. Your voice comes loud and clear and I felt no fear in your voice. I could relate to the anarchy and rebellion of the 60's and 70's as I do come from that time. I especially liked the passage about the beautiful box. Well done.
Some considerations: some of your sentences are hard to understand. Maybe better sentence structure is needed for a strong narative. I didn't quite get the 3rd paragraph. And in the 4th paragraph, the sentence starting with But we're just lost, I didn't understand that one and the one after the beautiful box passage. It may be punctuation, I am not sure.
One other thing, I think the reference from youtube with the song would be more powerful at the beginning instead of the end. Just my thoughts. Yours to run with.
All in all, you have a strong voice in your writing.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nightraine
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 7:21pm on Apr 24, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
