Hello!
I know very little about poetry writing, hence I am grateful for the explanation at the bottom. Thank you! Your piece prompted me to think of nostalgia and memory. Today, I worked by my parents' dining table wrapped in a shawl which belonged to my grandpa. The shawl is symbolic of not only the time I spent with him but also of his way of life and his expectations from me and my cousins. However, unlike several other items which were his, some of which often horrify me because they once belonged to a man now dead, I selectively invoke certain memories which feel more memorable than others and more significant to my narration of my relationship with my grandfather than others.
For a very long time I couldn't enter the room he died in and couldn't sleep on the side of the bed he lay dead on. I am happy that memories are mutable and non-uniformly recalled so that certain moments leave a deeper imprint on our personality than others. Nostalgia is a result of our negotiation with tough memories and the meanings we re-assign to those memories over time. Your poem was thought-provoking, neat and profound.
1) When Jared narrates his first dream about the wolf, I thought that it's going to be the same cliche where he is a werewolf or something. I am happy that you did not follow the same trajectory but it was some sort of a momentary turn off. Maybe you can look at other figures which add to the mystery of Jared's dream. When you make it a wolf with tusks you push the reader to predict what happens next instead of making them wonder and stay hooked to the storyline.
2) When Jared agrees to sit on the chair and says that he trusts them it is a little hard to believe that first, he would instantly trust them without asking them questions, and second, his overbearing mother will acquiesce so easily. I am using Winona Ryder's role in Stranger Things as a reference. In the early part of your narration we see Jared as central and after the school is over and they head towards the psychiatrist the mother is more active and vocal. What I found missing was the chemistry between them. What kind of a mother-son relationship do they have? The negotiations they make, their concern for each other, their internal thoughts and fears are all inaccessible as of now.
3)Why was Jared chosen to shut the door to introverse and not any other teen? The authorities appear too benign to me, they should be hiding something.
4) The way Jared moves in the dreamscape (I hope this is what I am supposed to call it) makes it seem like he has been their before. There is agility and no fleck of doubt in what he is doing. I think maybe you should minimise he number of things he does in there, he is on a roller coaster ride! One thing follows another almost too neatly.
STRUCTURE
1) I think you should slow down a bit in the latter part when he is on the mission. There is just too many things happening one after other and the feelings that emerge (jubilation when he killed the first monster, slick disgust when he falls in the water, disorientation in the darkness) are not given time to persist.
GRAMMAR
Typo:
1) '...he chose just to stay up through the rest of the morning until it was light.'
These are just suggestions, it's up to you to pay heed to them. It was a wonderful read. :)
You are very poetic in the way you write. Dancing incandescent birds are beautiful to imagine. I am actually very surprised how you achieved that in so few words.It is a complete story and in such a limited number of words. This is a feat!
CONTENT
1) You have done something really interesting with your narration. It's a story only about one of the days which were different from others, in doing that you broke the monotony of predictable evenings of drinks. But that one day has changed everything for the protagonist.
2) It would have been a good way to end on a cliffhanger. Leave your readers to imagine what is real and what isn't instead of stating that one could not tell apart real from the unreal.
3) It is a little difficult to believe that one can be fired over being late for just one day. I think that part is kind of unnecessary.
STRUCTURE
I think you should break paragraphs when the dialogues happen. It gives the right pauses and doesn't disclose everything immediately to the reader. Even that one second delay in knowing what happens next is a way to keep your reader interested. :)
These are suggestions for you to take or reject. After all it is your work and it's your call. I enjoyed reading it thoroughly.
I have very little knowledge of rhythm and iambic meter, so I won't go into technical details.
1) Use of alliteration in 'sweet symphonies' sounds good.
2) I like the use of metaphors like gilded tongue.
CONTENT
I like the allegorical use of the Ganges for the female and the Babylonian pillar for the male. It is actually playing on the image of the phallus. However, I just see two separate images without any attempts to put them in one place... in the end you do express the desire to interweave them. I think you should probably make it more fantastical and a counter-fact to how far they actually are,something on the lines of Ganges flowing around the pillars. It can actually become kind of sexy and romantic if you go on these lines. If you go on a 'What if' path where the Ganges and the Pillars are together... I think it will make a more endearing narrative.
This is the first poem I have reviewed. Apologies in case I offended you. All suggestions are up to you to accept or just pass. :)
I love how you have paid so much attention to detail. You have practically recreated the scene and it's fabulous! Describing the surroundings is one of the most difficult things to do. One has to be very realistic otherwise the reader will never believe in your story.
CONTENT
There is a lot of potential to your narration. It very positively resembles a Japanese Manga, it is so fantanstical and visual. If this is a chapter in a novel, then I would surely like to read the following chapters.:)
STRUCTURE
1) I love the initial few lines about the pursuit of knowledge. However, they sound a bit disjointed from your next stanza. Your first stanza is like an eyepiece into the protagonist's worldview but it is completely severed from his material reality, from what he is actually engaged in. I am not saying that you should omit it but maybe also make a reference to something that he was doing when this thought occurred to him.
2) I think when you introduce Fredrick and Maria, you should describe their countenance, looks etc. which make it easier for the reader to imagine them. Adding information about the kind of hair, body type, or scar etc they have give more substance to your characters. They invoke emotions in your readers and make them identify better with the characters.
3) I think you should mention that Fredrick is not physically present there because when you used 'he' and 'him' after introducing him, I actually though Maria was sitting beside Fredrick, and it was Fredrick's lamp.
4) I think you should also mention Fredrick's relation to Maria and Gael and how are Gael and Maria related.Why could he not accompany them? I think you need Fredrick's character for later but I think you should justify why you would suddenly mention and introduce Fredrick there.
5) Where are the two headed, why do they have to move in a forest when the queen is dead?
It is clean and proper. It is very readable and narration is good. :)
CONTENT
I actually liked the story, but it missed a little thrill. With an ice-age concept you could've put little adventures and travails of the survivors. Bunker, food and walky-talkies, the ready availability of all these made it seem like they were always prepared for this. Authors usually bank upon the loophole in preparation for a disaster to build a story around it.
GRAMMAR
Just Spelling errors/typos:
1. I was carrying and went straight to the CB radio
2. Neal led the way down the tunnel.
Okay, this was brilliant! The details made your writing a visual (Before I could put knuckles to wood) and olfactory treat ( It smelled like chili and fresh-baked bread). I noticed something else too... you didn't give away the gender identity of Jaime at once which kept me guessing in a good away. Most writers don't pay attention to how the character is constructed in the way they perform their gender. I absolutely loved it when you revealed Jaime's full name to be Jamie Soto. I instantly made a mental switch to a man/woman with Asian features. But given how Jaime is under medication for anxiety I am going to assume she is a woman. Historically there has been a link between women, madness and psychotherapy. I noticed that this falls under gay/lesbian genre. However, all the clues that I could pick up on led me to this. Could be a trans person or a gay man but... I shall keep guessing!
Use of good vocabulary makes your writing look diverse and not repetitive. But words which are used in common parlance make your writing more realistic and believable. It was hard for me to believe at first that anybody would call anyone 'barbarian', not in this day and age. I understand that his character is supposed to be chic. If only you had used British English for his dialogues it would be easier for the reader to imagine his Scottish accent. Further, you could have used other Scottish slang phrases and words to put him in a context which justify him calling the driver 'barbarian'. Sean, as of now, seems a little weak to me as a character. If he is a person of Scottish descent who has grown up in the US, then it makes the 'barbarian' even more unrealistic. This is just what I think, I personally don't know much about Celtic culture. If you want to look up Scottish characters, Supernatural (t.v. series) has Crowley (Demon) and Rowena(Scottish Witch), Rowena is actually my favourite character in that show.
CONTENT
Okay so saying something like 'male physically, female mentally' is very problematic. First, so far his sexuality as a gay person doesn't automatically mean he is feminine. Nowhere in your writing has he appeared feminine in any way. You have not constructed him as a feminine gay man. On the contrary, he seems a lot like Ryan Gosling from La la Land... masculine, graceful and suave. Second, being gay is a sexual orientation. Being a man is a gender identity; and femininity/masculinity is the way you perform that gender identity. For instance, Audrey Hepburn and Pink are both women, but they are not both feminine in the same manner. When you say this, you are actually reinforcing a heterosexual worldview. As contemporary writers it is important for us to keep in mind the sensibilites of the readers.
Absolutely loved the phrases 'Staircase of my spine'and 'heart rattling in its cage of ribs'. Your diegetic narration and use of a different font, a font which resembles typewriting was marvelous.
CONTENT
I was actally curious about the photograph, given how she was put away from the public eye I wanted to know when and why that picture was taken. You had also explained the other photograph, I wondered who were these other people and why they had a sullen expression and how is the narrator related to Carolina. Further, the ending left me second-guessing the good-ghost version of Carolina's ghost. Why did the ghost share her story with the narrator and not his grandma or other inhabitants of the house?
I would also like to appreciate how you literally mentioned 'rape' without any ambiguity. In the time that she lived, rape was probably not even problematic until its gruesome to the point of killing her. I am glad that as a contemporary writer by naming it, you have problematised the violation of her consent and her embodied being. :)
The narration of a ritual sacrifice where the god is animate is very interesting. I am just curious about the golden paint, can I ask which Greek myth inspired you? I don't know much about Greek myth hence I am curious.Is there a significance to the opal eyes? You have mentioned it twice with emphasis, does it refer to a particular Greek God?
STRUCTURE
The narrative follows a temporal sequence so no issues with the structure. However, mentioning how she knew intense hunger right after talking about her unwanted birth makes the two sentences very disjointed.
GRAMMAR
This is not a grammatical error, just a suggestion. I think you should use 'resonating' instead of 'vibrating' in the 7th line from top. Further, given that he is an actual god, 'vibrating through her bones like the voice of God should' sounds more appropriate.
SUGGESTION/REQUEST
I think you should use WritingML to justify your piece, even if it appears justified in your window. To me it looks badly aligned, I raised this issue with Writing Support and they said unless the author intentionally puts {justify'}...{/justify'} the problem will persist, they cant do anything about how pieces appear to the reviewer/reader. So, please use it even if your window shows correct alignment.
I like how you have personified darkness. Most depictions of darkness are intimidating, but your version tells us how darkness never really leaves our side, and how sometimes we may even need it. This kind of take on darkness is very fresh and original.
CONTENT
It's short but doesn't feel incomplete, exactly how narratives should be.
STRUCTURE
The flow is good, pace not to fast. There is a rythm in how you have placed the stanzas. Excellent job!
GRAMMAR
I am not picky about grammar, there are mistakes at one or two places. Unless you are conscious about grammar, I won't ask you to correct them. Mistakes are part of us, we should all bask in them.
SUGGESTION/REQUEST
Keep writing and I hope I come across your work again. Your words spoke to me at a spiritual level. Thank you.
Your writing style suits the mood of this poem. However, I am still not sure what you were trying to convey; the stanzas follow a logical sequence but I am still confused about what context the poet is referring to when saying private and public words. There is little to understand the nature of the 'choppy waters', the relationship is definitely not abusive, but if it is emotionally abusive, the poem is unable to highlight the pain of it.
CONTENT
I couldn't understand the private and public words. Please let me know what you mean. I am a Political Science research scholar so with the mention of public and private I can only think of the public-private distinction!
GRAMMAR
Nitpicking grammar is not my forte. I find it to be an absolutely futile exercise. It's very elitist, I hate it.
SUGGESTION/REQUEST
I love the title of the poem, if this were a song with the same title it would be an instant hit.
The story has a very Brothers' Grimm(they are my favourite by the way) feel to it. its very ominous and actually reads like one of the German folktales/fairytales. It was a very good read. It's short, precise and hits all the right notes.
STRUCTURE
Since this is a short story, I think only the flow matters and the flow is very good!
GRAMMAR
Nitpicking grammar is not something I do, but since you have mentioned that this is for a contest I will mention a few rectifications. I hope you don't mind.
1st line: lying in 'the' dark
2nd line: (i)remove the semi-colon, it is only used when the part before and after the semi-colon can stand alone as two separate sentences.(ii) remove 'for' after tragedy
3rd line: passed 'away'
7th line: remove semi-colon
11th line: 'looked' back
SUGGESTION/REQUEST
There is some issue with alignment. This one sentence at the end is not justified.
Your writing style is neat and academic, very descriptive.
CONTENT
As a research scholar, I feel that more research on his ideas could be possible. Given he is a monarch(I am assuming), what were his views on democratic elections? He seems like an interesting figure and I wonder how much the world knows about such efforts on the part of Afghani leaders. Hence, this piece adds something to the existing knowledge and is fruitful.
STRUCTURE
The organisation is good. The line 'The Afghan students conducting experiments at chemistry laboratory' seemed out of place and incomplete.
GRAMMAR
I am not a sucker for grammar, coming from a post-colonial country myself I think its only important to the point of making others understand what you are trying to communicate. However,you can definitely work on this area more. There were problems with punctuation, use of articles, and tense, nothing that cannot be rectified. :)
SUGGESTION/REQUEST
Please add the title of the article to the body as well. You have the potential to write better. Every writer writes with the responsibility of narrating for themselves and for others. I hope you put into use, the power of the pen to change the world just like King Amanullah. :)
First things first, it was an absolutely vivid account. I am a manga reader and I am often used to readily available images, my mind does little work to imagine. But your writing set this very picturesque imagery of the entire scene. To be frank, I looked at the size of this piece and wondered how much can anyone do in this much but I am utterly surprised. It invoked in me this mixed Godfather-Shutter Island feeling.
Your story-telling is well-structured. Any good story doesn't leave its reader with the feeling of incompleteness. Your piece has a definite beginning, and an end full of possibilities and a little mystery. I am also wondering if the few grammatical errors that were there in the piece were intentional. Even if they were not, I would ask you to not change them because it gives the narrative its originality, a peek into the narrator's character.
Good luck with your creative-writing journey! This was a fantastic read.
Right at the middle of the poem I wondered, is the narrator(It;s first person so I am assuming you have inserted yourself here)cupid? It seemed silly for a while but 'whispering of strong love into ears' made me think this way. If not, I would be grateful if you could explain who the narrator really is. I am absolutely curious about it because this one time I couldn't understand who the narrator was and it made things really unclear(The Book Thief, absolutely lost I was).
I could relate to this on a personal level. My partner and I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years. He has depression, and every day is a battle. I have recently shifted back to my parents' and things are hard because I am a feminist and they are patriarchal. We both feel chained but we still find a way to wiggle out of them.:)
'Ribbons of Steel' sounds beautiful. I am also curious about the way the poetry descends in terms of its alignment; it's left aligned initally and later becomes centrally aligned. Is there a meaning attached to this?
P.S. I am new to this site; I used to be a member 5-6 years ago and now I am back. I don't know how one replies to a review but please respond to my queries.
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