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Review of Shades of Fall  
Review by Nostrum
In affiliation with Flights of Fantasy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewed in association with The "Flights of Fantasy Group"  August Review Raid.

Cute little story that grows better and better as you read it.

There are so many things that connect so well in this story that it's hard to choose where to start. The protagonists - Anika, as well as Luce and Anna - are so carefully depicted that it's very easy to imagine them - and not just that, but to imagine when and where they're located at. The description of everything you show is on point - the lake, the forest, the waypoint between the shadow realm and the real world, they bring vivid images of how they should be seen, and that is great for immersion.

The characterization is also fantastic. Anika is shown to be mischievous, while Luce is the obvious voice of reason. Anna is shown to be jaded, having lost her hope, but not denying it to Anika. They're all strong and vivid characters, ones you could easily imagine seeing out there in the world, if you dare to explore. From the very first moment where you could see them engaging in idle gossip, to how everything soon leads to the interaction with the Fallow Tree, to the tender moment the two girls share - it serves to define the depth of their relationship, a key component (and I'd dare say, the key to the ending) in their characterization. The other characters may exist as decorations to some regard - not named, described only barely and interacting very little - but this helps the story by suggesting the reader Anika isn't the only one who has fallen into this dark rabbit hole, that she won't be the last, and - coupled with what Anna details during their interaction - the grim destiny they share. The remaining characters exist - appropriately - as shades of reality, mere echoes compared to Anika.

I'm thoroughly intrigued by the shadow realm. There's the vague suggestion that it's the afterlife - given how the narrator defines the nature of shades - but it can be easily something else. The fact that this other world is tangible, concrete, dispels this notion that it is the true afterlife - coupled with Anika's total disappearance from the real world, judging by Luce's detail of her rescue attempt - and instead acts as another world altogether. I love that this realm exists out of time, showing all possible iterations of it - I half expected the possibility that Anika somehow ended up in a future, given that, alongside the typewriter, there were also T-shirts and a TV, and the consciousness that something like that could not just exist, but also work. What makes this work is that you give it just enough details to make it feel real, while keeping others to the imagination. As someone who loves dissecting and nitpicking things, that I feel so intrigued by the nature of this place helps me enjoy the story even more.

The pacing on the story is also on point. It moves at an organic pace - funny enough, given that time in the shadow realm is effectively non-existent - and it doesn't drag you breathlessly or bores you with its lengthiness. Everything is introduced right on time - the lake, the Fallow Tree, the forest, the hut, the outskirts of the town with all potential iterations interposed within each other, the village within the Shadow Realm - and given just enough description to create the image and then bring you back into action.

The fantastical aspects are few but well-placed. There are hints of the fey and the occult, never inclining to one or the other but instead evolving from them. The shadow realm has this fey quality of timelessness and ghastly wonder, and the shades as a nature evoke the idea of ghosts and paranormal apparitions in a subtle way, allowing both disparate aspects to blend seamlessly. The existence of future technology as relics of an era not bygone, but yet to happen, add to the fantasy - particularly as they're described from Anika's point of view, rather than that of the narrator, and therefore conform to her worldview. This happens primarily with Anna, which I thought of at first as a witch of sorts - given the description of her hut - only to realize she's a woman of science instead. I love how you play with the reader's frame of reference in that case - I was so driven by the setting and time referenced that I was already imagining the character as someone else before the reveal, which serves as that introduction to the timelessness of that waypoint between worlds.

The ending is strangely melancholic, even though it's mostly happy - Anika returns to her world, her time, with her beloved friend, but Anna is shown to lament what happened. It's the cliffhanger nature of it that makes it melancholic - Anna was so sure that nobody could escape, but she's somehow shown the possibility. Does she think Anika died, or does she lament that she can't escape while the girl did? Has she lost all hope and therefore laments that she cannot return to the world? Did she develop a kinship with Anika and now laments that they'll never meet again? It's a very strong ending, because it resolves Anika's story but leaves the reader asking for more.

Again, a gripping story that kept me hooked from beginning to end. I feel I should read it again, maybe later, to see if I can find something new and interesting within it - I feel it has hidden depths, even if it's short and to the point.

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Review of Of Light and Life  
Review by Nostrum
In affiliation with Flights of Fantasy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewed in association with The "Flights of Fantasy Group"  August Review Raid.

Good story fit for an English high school class textbook, though a bit formulaic.

This isn't meant as a harsh critique. For context: while I'm an ESL speaker, I used textbooks and materials for students with English as their primary language meant for one or two grades below expected. Not being a fan of grammar (in any language), I was always attracted to textbooks with stories - and therefore, I got familiarized with short stories of both recognized and lesser recognized authors meant for children and teenagers.

When I read halfway through the story, I recognized this language and story structure. This is especially good in a short story, as while things like description, pacing and content are necessary, understanding the story itself is more so. Though I didn't read the book until after high school, I got a huge The Giver vibe, as both protagonists are effectively trained to fulfill a destiny for their hometown. In The Giver, the reach is lower (the town where the protagonist and the previous Giver live) and the stakes are relatively high; in this case, the reach is much larger and the stakes are immense, as life and death are literally on her hand.

Sijile is built with a destiny and a conflict as befits any Chosen One protagonist. She's following on the footsteps of her predecessor, trained for a purpose, and while most attempt it, only she's capable of executing it. Her journey is fairly easy to follow - she was trained from youth to be a warrior, an expert in both unarmed and armed combat, as she has the task of defeating the gatekeeper. She's given training in other aspects, such as reading and writing, but her primary purpose is to fight - and as soon as she can be considered an adult, she's sent to fulfill her destiny.

The first part is very good - it details aspects of her youth all the way to her adulthood, reflected in the narrator describing the former while seeing a snapshot of the latter through her birthday. The other characters, while minor, are well-defined - Doran as the closest thing to a father figure, Jessup as the one who seems to know more than he appears, Maku and Issu explicitly mentioned as grandparent figures and treating her with kindness. The preparation for her journey is solemn, almost ritualistic, but it hints the reader that something's off.

Once the second part of the story starts - her entry through the door and what she finds - the story begins to weaken. I can't say much as I haven't seen the image prompt (you mention it is for a contest, after all) but it does no justice to the set-up. The message is pretty crystal clear - the masters don't expect her to return, there is mention of sacrifice - but it contrasts harshly with how the first part sets up everything. You expect this conflict with the gatekeeper, but Sijile notices way too fast how it doesn't do the effort of fighting, but instead reacts to violence and responds accordingly. Rather than question why, she accepts her destiny and allows herself to become a sacrifice, therefore saving her world.

At a certain level, I could agree with her decision. It explains why all the men failed while she succeeded - they chose a path of violence and received their just reward. Through her metaphorical (and perhaps literal?) death, Sijile becomes an avatar of life. The themes of sacrifice and altruism are very evident, and that is something I support - trying, at the very least, to be selfless in order to improve the world.

However, while it has a happy ending of sorts - Sijile returns to a world that was renewed with life, able to see the fruits of her sacrifice as an avatar of sorts - it hides a very pessimistic future. Sijile isn't the first of the Last Children, but most importantly, won't be the last. Sijile will return, but in the next thousand years, the same thing will happen again, and there will be another Last Child meant to do another sacrifice to start everything anew. It suggests the world is locked in a cycle - a cycle that involves one sacrifice every thousand years to avoid imminent extinction.

Upon examination, this is a terrible future. A world locked into a cycle of life and death, a world locked into - possibly - stagnancy because of that cycle, isn't a very positive world to live. And what affects it the most is that Sijile is built as a potential response to that, but in the end she doesn't. Sijile could've gone through with her sacrifice - it is, after all, subversive in that the sins of Men seem to be related to war and violence, as men can't resolve the situation because of their warlike nature (note how I capitalized Men to refer to the species, compared to the lowercase men to refer to the gender). But Sijile, upon noticing how to deal with the situation, accepts it without question. Thus, while it works to show the cycle of life and death in this world, it doesn't work to question it. The Last Child before Sijile would be essentially Sijile herself, and her successor will be the same. It suggests an inescapable cycle with a caveat that the sacrificial being sees the fruit of her labor.

And what's worse is that every learned individual seems to know it. Perhaps, if the masters were revealed as genuinely ignorant of what happened, things would be different - but they're accomplices to the grim nature of the cycle. Doran intentionally hides the truth from Sijile so she has no other choice but to accept her fate; Jessup feels so wracked about what he effectively sends his adoptive daughter through, knowing that all his lessons are for nothing because they're not meant to do anything, that he reacts in a way Sijile (and the narrator) notice. And Sijile, who proves to at least question the intentions of the masters, doesn't question the gatekeeper.

This, I feel, is where the story is at its weakest. Sijile was trained for a purpose, yet given ineffective tools - a sword and armor that would've done nothing, cryptic clues that require deciphering and only become obvious after facing the challenge. She has a questioning nature that fades away as soon as she realizes the futility of her training, that she can't exploit to help the next Last Child to finally break the cycle. It has the potential to be, if not the last iteration of the cycle that finally breaks it and provides the world with everlasting life, the one that leads to that purpose. It sets up a promise that falls flat as the protagonist, rather than question the why, accepts tradition unfailingly. And yes - she's given a happy reward, but knowing that the world will cycle again to its destruction and end up with another girl facing the same challenge.

Now - perhaps the image prompt required this sacrificial act, which effectively makes the premise unescapable. And the story has an unambiguous happy ending, as Sijile effectively survives her sacrifice and saves her world. However, it still suggests that her sacrifice will not be the last, as it wasn't the first, and that her victory is short-lived.

(For another bit of context - this story resembles a lot the plot of Final Fantasy X, in particular that of the game's deuteragonist, Yuna. She's trained to become a Summoner - one who summons powerful beings that are created from humans who willingly accepted to become these creatures to aid the Summoner and fulfill their purpose. Yuna seeks to achieve the Calm, an event where a Summoner stops a rampaging creature called Sin and grants the world a measure of peace - but not forever, as Sin eventually reappears and threatens the world. At the climax of the story, Yuna reveals to the audience surrogate and protagonist, Tidus, that the Summoner effectively acts as a sacrifice, as the act of killing Sin involves creating one final summoned creature with immense power to destroy it, only to die in the process. Furthermore, it is revealed that this cycle was manufactured, as the first of the Summoners who created the Calm still exists as an undead gatekeeper who demands the Summoner sacrifice one of their Guardians, their traveling partners, to become that powerful summoning being - and the death, further revealed later, is because the essence of the very thing they face, Sin, takes control of the summoning being and reforms from it. And all of this is to perpetuate a cycle of stagnation to stifle innovation and enforce faith and tradition. The contrast with this story, of course, is that the protagonists fight against this destiny and deal with Sin through different means - and that involves an event that wracks Yuna as she's forced to fight against all the beings she bonded up with. Even if it's from a game, this twist in the Chosen One/tradition storyline becomes memorable as the protagonists fight against their destiny by effectively choosing a third option.)

Now, I will point something out. Using the two examples I gave for purposes of context, I feel there's a meta-reason for choosing this outcome. Hiding the prospect of a grim future caused by a world caught in a death spiral that can only be restarted is clever. Or perhaps it's not intentional, and perhaps this is just an interpretation I gave it due to the stories I've been interacting with. Perhaps I'm overthinking it - and that's just fine. Perhaps the sacrifice of Sijile has no further meaning other than act as an example of the importance of sacrifice and altruism. And here is where the story is at its strongest - when it invites discussion from the reader. Regardless of whether the intention was to hide a dark story within a feel-good one, or whether it is a straightforward feel-good story, the way the story itself is structured invites discussion, and perhaps an alternate way to see things. That it drove me to a deep analysis of the themes within the story serves as a testament to its appeal.

And that is why it reminds me so much of a story meant for an English class. It's just designed to invite the reader - in this case, probably a child or a teenager - to analyze its content and think about the nature of the sacrifice and perhaps to ponder what would they make if they were the Last Child. It's designed to invite for discussion while being an easy read. (Tell me, was that the intention overall? Because it's either devilishly clever or a very happy accident!)

Anyways, I apologize if this review extended far beyond where it should, but good stories demand good, deep and lengthy reviews. I could go for the minor grammar errors (like "aksed" instead of "asked" in the second sentence, or commas I feel are missing), but these are the least of the worries, and as I said, I really don't like grammar even though I recognize it's worth.

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Review of Wyvern  
Review by Nostrum
In affiliation with Flights of Fantasy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewed in association with The "Flights of Fantasy Group"  August Review Raid.

Charming story, though the protagonist caught me unaware.

There's a charm in a short, self-contained story that has all you need to know in as little words as possible, and this fits the bill. It captures the essence of what's to be a dragon rider without delving too deep into geography or history - only the lore that dragon riders often choose easily-found mounts, as a contrast to the protagonist's desire to prove himself. The little tidbits of recognition to the lore of the story - the rarity of wyverns compared to dragons, for one, and their rarity as another.

The protagonist works as a (relatively) nameless and featureless figure - it helps transpose the reader into the protagonist's point of view. I'm assuming the protagonist made this journey as a "coming of age" ritual, given how the child asking for the baby wyvern's name and his father now see him as a man - proving himself to his father and his village for different reasons. The one thing that caught me unaware was the lack of empathy shown by the protagonist at first ("not my problem" when he speaks of whether there could be a human settlement on the wyvern's direction, contrasting to his memory of his mother and her wyvern saving his village).

Again, what little lore is mentioned works perfectly - dragons are easier to find and even sold while no one chooses wyverns because finding them is dangerous and considered inferior; gold dragons are rare but golden wyverns are rarer; the fact that wyverns are small and stubborn (curiously as book ends!), etc. I feel that the one bit of lore that's unclear to me is what's a dragonman - which I assume is the term used for dragon rider. It confuses me because I can't help associating it either as a species or as a profession - either a Dragonman/Dragonwoman is a humanoid with dragon features, or a man/woman who rides dragons. Adding this bit to the lore would improve things.

I like the pacing of the action. I couldn't write a short story for the life of me, but I admire writers of short stories that make good use of both action and timing - use the right words to describe what they're doing in as few words as possible and give an impression that time actually passes properly, that the protagonist made a long trip back and forth searching far and wide, at a far away place, rather than just setting them there.

Other things I like are the bits of comedy (in the form of karmic schadenfreude), as the protagonist feels disappointed that his act of valor wasn't recognized in comparison to the prestige of the guy literally buying a golden dragon egg, only to reclaim that attention as their reward is even rarer. It contains a lot of interesting gears working in the story. I say it's comical because, as a reader, I feel just as bothered by the idea that the protagonist wasn't acknowledged for his achievement, only to see the tables turn in real time. It's a feeling of karmic retribution against the "elitist" that's oddly feel-good, as it enshrines the reward for hard work.

The backstory of the protagonist is equally short but powerful - he's following the legacy of his mother, driven by the sacrifice that everyone seems to forget. The very act of finding a wyvern becomes not just a "coming of age" ritual, not merely proof of his bravery, but a way to honor his mother's actions so that she may not be forgotten. Naming the wyvern as her cements this - and this is probably the strongest part in your story. It ties everything together by giving a reason to the protagonist's actions.

I feel the end could be expanded a bit. The protagonist's nameless - and as I said, it works - but I feel that giving him a name at the end would serve as a more powerful closing line. It reinforces the idea that the character matured - no longer an unknown villager, but a hero in development. It contrasts to how the protagonist specifies his mother's name and the name of her wyvern, creating a tie to her legacy. That said, it works as a self-contained story - one can infer, from what happened, that the fate of the protagonist will be a positive one, given the immense stroke of luck of not just avoiding the wyvern but getting a golden wyvern as a companion. The protagonist is *very* lucky, and that luck will follow him always.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Ceri  
Review by Nostrum
In affiliation with Flights of Fantasy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Interesting tale, though the perspective shift jarred me a lot. It felt like if another writer besides you did the 3rd-person shift.

First of all, I like the overall concept - a human in the modern world gets spirited away to serve the wishes of a dragon as an agent against rival Fey lords. The very idea of having a deuteragonist as distinct as a dragon - or perhaps, a Fey lord that assumes that visage because of what it entails - challenges established notions. Why would the dragon inhabit Arcadia? Is she a Fey lord, or a true dragon; furthermore, are dragons just another kind of fey, or are they unique and she just carved a place upon a land alien to her as to the protagonist? Here's where mystery works in your favor - keeping that ancient, powerful and inscrutable being shrouded in mystery.

The second thing I like is the concept of the transformation itself. The transformation is never specified - did she become a dragon-like creature, or a fey-like creature? There's a suggestion as to the latter, because of the references to gargoyles. (Interesting take, as it suggests Ceri was kept as a prize by the dragon lady, which accentuates her cruelty and how much she resembles the depiction of the Fair Folk.) However - and this is what I liked - is that it was lived. The transformation is never explained, but experienced - and that's a hard literary trick to pull out. I mean - sure, Ceri's transformation is detailed, but you can almost feel what's happening to her, and that's more powerful than simply describing how she transformed over time.

However, these are weakened by the perspective shift, which damages the flow of the story a lot. For one, it's jarring, even if there's a good cutting point between the two - Ceri loses her consciousness because of the blood loss, and then she's taken into the tower for her transformation. However, the transformation is seen from the perspective of someone else, which contrasts with the transformation itself. It's only then that we know Ceri is the human that was speaking at first, as the external narrator ties the story to what Ceri was speaking about. This externalizes the transformation, weakening the impact it can cause - rather than have someone explain what's happening to Ceri, it would be best if she explained what's happening to her.

I feel that the perspective shift could work, though. It could be done in such a way that it adds to Ceri's characterization.

Have you considered making Ceri the 3rd-person narrator, but done so in a way that she depersonalizes from herself? The trope of referring to oneself in the third person usually involves a lack of intelligence, but it can also represent a divorce from the self. When Ceri has her human nature slowly replaced with the element of air, it should come with a gradual destruction of her identity. Perhaps the dragon could refer to her as Ceri, and perhaps that isn't the protagonist's real name (or perhaps it's a pet name her family gives her? Food for thought). However you desire to work it, this change should gradually lead to the protagonist referring to herself in the third person, separating her narration from her actions. This adds a richness to the narration, as it represents how she's alienating from her previous identity.

This ties to the ending, which is - I feel - too sudden and too abrupt. For one, it changes to 1st-person narration, but the protagonist is still forever shaken by the experience. It's ambiguous in a good way - it leads the reader to think whether this was a dream or something real. This ambiguity as a twist ending is good; it urges the reader to re-read it to see if there are clues to whether that could be real or not. Perhaps a bit more ambiguity could be added in, to really hammer the idea of whether Ceri escaped the dragon lady or whether this was a whimsical dream.

And that, again, could be solidified with the gradual perspective shift. Perhaps the first-person narrator is the original Ceri, and the third-person narration is the original recognizing she's no longer herself. This play directly reinforces the end - as when she returns, she considers herself again once more, but making a mention to "my Lady" may suggest that Ceri finally reconciled with her new nature. Adding a few lines could also work - suggesting that probably Ceri knows deep down that she's still her lady's servant, and she was returned to the modern world for that one mission she needs to accomplish - which can only be done as a human. It could be worked as Ceri reconciling her two sides - her human side and her supernatural side - and accepting her fate as an agent of the dragon lady, or perhaps a conflict where Ceri reclaims her identity stolen by the dragon lady, but now she must face a supernatural side that will never abandon her.

These are just ideas, though. There's a reason why I rated this story high enough - even though I'm jarred by the perspective shift, I can see it work as a separation between the story of the human and the story of the supernal. But most importantly, it's beautiful. Stories of Fair Folk are always full of color and vivid descriptions - of haunting beauty - and these hit the spots right on. It's weird, as I'm not usually inclined towards stories of faeries (unless it's to keep them in check - I'd be the one holding a cold iron dagger just in case), but this one kept me enraptured long enough to give it a deep analysis and suggest how to improve it. And it works as a stand-alone story - Ceri doesn't need to tell her story any further after her escape, but she could, and that empowers the story. Most novels usually start as short stories, and this could be one of them!

Anyways, that's all I got to say. Happy reviewing, and may others find and love this story as much as I did.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by Nostrum
Rated: E | (4.0)
Bodyswapping isn't exactly my cup of coffee, but I noticed you from your work at Interactives and decided to check it out. Even if it's an oldie (almost five years ago!), it's charming. However, I feel it could be better - particularly given how you've improved over time.

Even if it may be an old work, making an effort to improve it is important. Since it's the only item in your Portfolio other than the Interactive chapters, it showcases your writing skills, and because it's easier to read (at least compared to Interactives after the first six chapters), it's what most people might see you for - therefore, refining it should be a priority. (Doesn't mean you can't keep it as a draft, as a symbol of your progression as a writer, but it could be more.) Take the opportunity to check it up, perhaps expand it, rethink some of the interactions between Tom and Tiffany, amongst others.

Because most of the technical stuff involves things you've obviously improved with time (compare this to the latest chapter you wrote for "Skins"  [18+], "She puts it on." , which shows how much you've improved in these past 5 years), I'll limit myself to the few things I feel you still retain and to the story itself - which, as I mentioned, is pretty charming.

Story-wise, it's pretty compelling. Tiffany obviously doesn't like her life and wishes to change it, ending up with someone like Tom, who's popular and well-liked. While I'm not exactly a fan of incest (accidental, incidental, on purpose or otherwise), there's a strand of a tale that you can work with it. You could delve a bit deeper on how Tiffany feels dating her sister Kate in the body of her boyfriend Tom, for one - Tiffany accepts it too quickly, though it's justified as the wrap-up to your tale reveals she accepts she won't be able to change back and accepts her new life as Tom. There's another strand to explore in Tom now living Tiffany's life; it's less clear whether he'll accept that life or not, and it's kinda cruel that Tiffany says "oh well, sucks that he ended up as me", but they'll still be close to each other as they have Kate as a connection.

That doesn't mean that the way they're structured makes the overall story weak - it makes it feel rushed, perhaps, but not weak. Tiffany's lack of care for Tom's predicament as they switch lives may seem cruel, but between how Tom remarks her life's so bad and how much she insists about it, it's natural that Tiffany feels that way towards her old life enough to dismiss it entirely. Enhancing that - perhaps expanding a bit how Tom and Tiffany have to interact with each other because of Kate, for one - will only make the story stronger.

Why do I say the story's charming, though? It's a tale about someone wishing for a better life and essentially getting it, but it's how that story develops. It's told in the span of a whole day, for one - from morning to night, encompassing school and after school. It tells a lot about the characters in as short as possible: Tiffany hates her life, Tom lives with a mother who isn't always there but otherwise lives a prodigious life, so the switch is advantageous for both. It's also telling that Tom and Tiffany take the swap very naturally - sure, Tom's freaked out by the swap but afterwards they actually seem to develop a bond to each other. (Which makes Tiffany's end claim much crueler, considering Tom was promising to help her with the bully situation if they swapped - a thread which you could potentially develop.) On the course of the day, you show how Tiffany seems to adapt quickly to her new life as Tom, and in a very concise way - perhaps with an opportunity to expand, but with all the necessary details.

But, above all, it's wholesome.

What I mean by "wholesome" is: it's a funny story, a feel-good story of sorts where the swap is a positive thing for both the protagonist and the swapped character, a story where the element of swapping is done in a positive light. (Except maybe at the end, but the ending paragraph has an interesting sense of absurdity overall.) It doesn't have any dark elements (other than the assumed incest, but even then Tiffany's date with her sister isn't taken in a sexualized way - rather, it could be no different from a date between friends) that usually come with bodyswapping; rather, it's an exploration on how a body-swapping event has allowed the protagonist and deuteragonist to very literally "walk on each other's shoes".

That's what really attracted me to this tale. Perhaps the technical elements might hinder it, but it's a nice, feel-good, clever and funny read.

Speaking of technical elements that you've dragged along - I feel that trying to separate dialogue from action dislodges the flow of the story a bit. It's something that I feel you should be more consistent: compare "She puts it on."  to "Refused"  and notice how dialogue differs. You can also use italics to represent thoughts - for example, when John (the protagonist of "The possession spell"  [18+]) remembers his homework is delayed, presenting his reaction in italics is a good way to separate it from spoken dialogue. I could also speak about minor proofreading issues, but I feel your grammar is on point about 99% of the time, which means you're probably using a word-processing app (like Word or Google Docs or OpenOffice). Those two things alongside all you've learned can make this story dazzle.

This story has a lot of promise. It's a premise that can be explored further, expanded and refined to make it stronger, and that can be enjoyed by anyone. Even if it's been five years since it was first written, revising it and refining it should be a priority. I'd love to see more wholesome stories with topics such as possession, skinsuits and other ways of changing form, and I feel you could make good stories on your own. Maybe what happened between Tom and Tiffany isn't the last thing that happened in that school? Or maybe there's a seed of a story you haven't developed?

Anyways - whether you choose to rework the story or keep it as-is, rest assured that it's a good story. A story that can improve, but a good story nonetheless. (And stories are always meant to be improved, after all.)

P.S.: I love how the story ended. It's absurd (after a situation as life-changing as swapping bodies and lives, the question in Tiffany's mind is "why would people eat dormice?"), but it's hilarious. It's a great call-back to the title, it's a very minor part in the story but one that gets ballooned to ridiculous relevance right at the end just for comedy reasons. I think most people reading this will like that absurd but hilarious end - in fact, if that question was made into its own ending sentence, it'd be even funnier.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review by Nostrum
Rated: E | (4.0)
As someone that once studied chemistry, that spent a lot of time in the food industry as a lowly line cook and as someone in a country where both are used interchangeably (measurements in Imperial, but the amount of gasoline used in Metric), conversions have long been a part of my life. Knowing the equivalency between pounds (an Imperial unit of weight) to kilograms (a Metric unit of mass) has been ingrained in my brain, even though they refer to different measurements altogether. (Not everyone knows about sluggs or Newtons, after all.)

Because of this, I was intrigued to see you using ounces as the target conversion measurement. Ounces are a very small unit of measurement - arguably the smallest unit in Imperial measurement - while liters aren't. Your introduction does some service as to why you used them, but it's a claim that can be easily disputed - liters are used in the majority of the world because the Metric system is tied to the decimal system, which is easy to understand by everyone. The Imperial system, however, doesn't always have a default unit for all of its measurements; foot and pound are more common, but when dealing with volume, it's easier to consider gallons as most of the other measurements are fractions of it.

Now - don't take this as a harsh condemnation of your work. It is useful, because teaching anyone the conversion between measurements will always be useful. The reason I'm writing this review is because it caught my attention, and very few things do, so feel proud about that. (Anything that catches the attention of anyone else should always make you proud, because you made them read - and reading is powerful!) However, out of experience, and because of the proliferation of both systems where I live, the quart is a much closer and easier to use comparison to the liter. A quart (i.e. a quarter of a gallon) is around 946 milliliters, which is about 5% short of a full liter - perhaps not a perfect approximation but a very useful one to know. You can see this approximation best with milk, which is usually sold in quarts, half-gallons and gallons, and how the quart carton is almost indistinguishable from the liter carton other than the volume inside.

The quaintness of the choice of units is what caught me in, and that's something important. As a reader - and you may have seen this in most social media - you'll be caught by what seems interesting, and thus a title has to be catchy. Most titles are misleading but catchy - yours, on the other hand, is both accurate AND catchy. It's exactly what's on the paper, exactly what you came in to read - how many ounces are in three liters. In fact, it is the first question answered on the article, which is more than you can say from articles around the Internet, and does a great service overall.

But then, you add a lot more. You pre-empt some of the questions readers may have after this - how many ounces are in two liters? Or even one? Those you use as a segway to the hidden purpose of your article, which is to illustrate the ease of liters (and the Metric system) compared to ounces, but not in a patronizing way.

All of this is good. Very good - again, anything that teaches others about something practical in the world is invaluable. However, it's something that can - and should - be expanded. When I told you about how the liter to quart conversion was much easier to remember, it was for one reason - because, in practice, remembering that one liter is about 5% more than a quart but otherwise the same means you can easily convert between the two, and thus it becomes more useful information. This question was left unanswered - however, if you were to use "how many quarts are in a liter?" as your title, perhaps people like me wouldn't be as interested because we'd already know the answer.

My recommendation isn't to scrap everything and write anew, but instead take the opportunity to expand. There's a huge opportunity for you to expand this article, perhaps explaining why you chose ounces to quarts when the latter is a much closer approximation. And more important - and I feel the most important lesson to extract from this review - is to embrace an entertaining voice when reading it. Think of any science show where humor interjects with knowledge. Even if it's an article, adding humor - or, dare I say, a voice of genuine curiosity - will enhance the experience.

Think of it this way. You hook the reader with a curious title that uses ounces and liters as your target measurement, but then you throw them a curve by adding "But, how many quarts are on a liter?" Then, you drop that bit of information that a quart and a liter are almost the same measurement, and then you segue off to why use liters instead of ounces. By the end, the reader will be left thinking "why did the author use ounces instead of quarts if the latter is more convenient?" - something you may address in your conclusion with humor. ("You know, maybe I should've used quarts instead of ounces. But I made you read, no?") With that, you'll make the reader realize you caught them, and that'll leave a smile on their mouths, which'll mean they'll probably recommend it to others.

Now, I'm saying this without any knowledge of your intentions behind it. The article is very professional, almost appearing as a school report - and if that was the case, then I apologize for the ranting. I still believe interjecting humor in your reports works for a wider audience, but of course gauging the reader is what matters. I'm reviewing this from the point of view of someone who's reading this because it felt curious about the topic, and as a fellow author that wants to help you find your voice. However, that voice always depends on what's your purpose when writing, and if the purpose is a technical report, then the voice should always sound more professional and less comical. If the purpose is to teach the general audience of this site about a conversion that may make their lives a lot more useful, then I find a bit of humor and a little turnaround goes a long way. Maybe you can do more reports like this with other measurements - maybe you can make articles about sluggs and Newtons and rarely-used units of measurement; maybe you can delve into historical units that are no longer used but that could be reintroduced, or units of measurement unique to produce (such as bushels!), or even the history behind Imperial units of measurement. It all depends on the purpose, and I hope this isn't the last we see of you.

Hope this helps.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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7
Review of Black Bean Soup  
Review by Nostrum
Rated: E | (4.5)
Alright, this'll be strange, as it's...a recipe. Not going to say I'm a connoisseur, but I *do* work in a kitchen, and I'm used to the flavors. Hopefully this'll help.

I like the combination of bacon, onions and garlic. I can see that, since you're cooking the bacon to drain its fat, the main flavor combination will be meaty and savory (intensified by the Worcestershire sauce), alongside the sweetness of the onion and the fragrance of the garlic. The garlic and the bacon should slide over the traditionally strong bean flavor (I find black beans to have a stronger flavor than red kidney, pinto or pink beans, which I normally tend to eat, for once.) I've tasted something similar (no bacon, just sauteed onions and some garlic) for Cuban-style rice and black beans, and I figure it might be actually good-tasting just by looking.

What really mystifies me is the presence of ketchup. You already have tomatoes on the mixture, which should add texture and liquid - ketchup will only make the soup a touch acidic, but I can't seem to see what it adds to the soup - I insist the combination of bacon plus Worcestershire sauce already gives it a great flavor, and you already have the tomatoes there, so that should be enough. I understand this is your recipe, and I don't intend to make it a critique, but it'd be great to understand how that ingredient makes your soup special.

One thing I can definitely evaluate is how the recipe is written - I'd love to see how you worked that table, and it's interesting to see that the ingredients are in order of use, rather than order of importance. (I was wondering where the beans were, until I noticed they're the last ingredient to be used.) Instructions are pretty simple to follow, though I'm used to see all steps ordered in a list; don't take it as a thing to change, but for larger recipes or ones that might require separate preparation, consider splitting them. About the one thing I'd ask you to change is fixing "higg" for "high".

As a final suggestion: have you tried thick-cut bacon for the soup? Or maybe some tortilla chips for garnish?
8
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Review of The Wish  
Review by Nostrum
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very interesting premise. I'm aware of the concept behind "11:11", which is precisely what captivated me. Love how concise, yet how deep it is - excellent use of visual and audio cues, giving just enough of the main character's description to create a solid visual image, and allowing the story to describe their main traits (a dreamer, an enabler and an abusive disabler). The best thing is that it has a proper ending, but one that could invite to a sequel, where you can see Terran's decisions and how they contrast with that second chance in life. This kind of writing invites the reader to ask for more - what made her connect to Frank, if her friend refused him? What did he offer that compensated for her loss, in such a way that ended in that relationship without future. That's what I mean about "deep" - though it's written in as few words as possible and self-contained, it motivates the reader to ask further, which aids to captivate them.

I don't really think I can say anything bad about it - it's tightly-written, easy to understand, striking all the right spots. (Maybe that "word count" bit, but since it's an entry, I assume it has to be placed in order to qualify? Even then, it's well after the end of the story proper, so it's more of a distraction than anything else.) I'm not really used to giving praise, so take this glowing review in the best way - it's not the kind of story I'd be motivated to read, but it was quite the quick, easy read that caught me well enough to ponder what will happen next, and that's, IMO, what makes a very good writer.
9
9
Review of Cat and Mouse  
Review by Nostrum
Rated: E | (4.5)
Quite the shocking read, but one that invites a very specific question.

Part of what makes the read shocking is the evident parallel between the cat-as-predator and the evidently bad experience you had. Anxiety provoked by abuse is horrible, and it's great that you found a valve to express that in a way that people could get associated with - a way that makes people understand just how bad you feel.

However, it's a message that's, in a way, biased into generating a specific form of sympathy. I don't want you to take this in a negative way; I sympathize with your plea, and the way you associate that plea with the feeling of prey invites towards reflection. It isn't inherently a bad way to express it; though it is part of nature, not everyone has to bask in the imagery of savagery and admire it. Savagery, though not inherently cruel, can become so when it's exalted. However, the main issue I have is with the metaphor used, specifically in the use of cats as a metaphor.

Here's the issue I had, and it's a personal one, so you can see why I'm so conflicted with that metaphor. I've had stray cats try to take refuge at my home. One of them was a pregnant cat which looked for a nest to care for its newborns. At that moment, our house had an infestation of mice. (Important to point out that me and my family considered the mice as a pest; part one of the issue.) One day, we notice the cat holding one mouse on her mouth, which she essentially presented to us. Our first impression of her reaction was that she gave us that mouse as tribute - she takes care of small animals around us in exchange for us taking care of her kittens (part 2 of the issue). Next time, it was a large rat - one pest that we definitely don't want around, and one almost half as large as her. We started having issues, though, when she then offered a bird, since by that point we considered her attitude to be troublesome; we understood that she was "offering" tributes, but she went too far.

What I wanted to express with that anecdote is simple: though using the metaphor of predator and prey as a way to convey your feelings regarding the abuse you suffered during work is not just effective as a source of imagery but a viable form of expression, it relies on a metaphor that's far more complex. It relies specifically on creating a sympathy that might not be one that everyone sees. To make it simpler: though I agree in the use of the predator/prey metaphor, and I find it an effective way to convey your feelings regarding that situation of abuse, the image you used to represent that metaphor (the cat as the predator, the mouse as prey, and your association with the mouse) invites my brain to overthink the situation.

Now, I have to make that observation, as silly as it may seem, because it's the first thing that people will notice when reading this...tale, perhaps? That introduction is what hooks the reader, and as...I'm afraid to say "amusing" as an anecdote because of the shocking ending, but I'll use it nonetheless...as amusing as it may seem, it'll be in the forefront of the reader's thoughts as you lead it to the second, and what I consider most important, part of the story, and specifically the connecting point: the sympathy you have for prey, particularly because of that experience. Observing and isolating the third paragraph (i.e., actual third paragraph, ignoring sentences for purposes of framing paragraphs; the paragraph where you explain the metaphor as you relate to it) becomes increasingly important because it's essential to your tale, but it's tied to a metaphor that won't generate the same reaction. Speaking in terms as objective as they can be, the anecdotes of your cats and the prey they captured serve as an effective framing for that metaphor, and in that regard you make an excellent job forming that association: you use the anecdote as an introduction to the metaphor, and then you lead it into the specific association you want to lead readers when they see that metaphor (again: in the predator/prey dynamic, you inherently associate with the plea of prey), in order for readers to sympathize with your own plea. That's a very impressive way to generate that attention, and in technical matters, it's perfectly done - and in the least words possible.

But, the one thing that I must point out, and this now reaches into the realm of the subjective, is the metaphor itself. Not everyone will find sympathy with the prey - and to those people, the message may seem conflicting. (To put it in perspective: to some people, it'll be difficult to associate the predator/prey dynamic with predatory behavior, which is the warning and theme of your tale, because the predator/prey dynamic in nature is something, well, natural; what's unnatural is to use that dynamic to justify predatory behavior.) This is doubly so if you associate the prey with being a pest - again, mice, though they can be cute at times, aren't exactly prey you want to be associated with, as they represent their own kind of metaphor (the invader, and specifically a destructive invader). Others will probably find sympathies with the predator, and perhaps may not sympathize with your tale at all. To these people, predators possess a series of qualities they find admirable, and setting the predator as the enemy won't sit well with them. (Again, in perspective: some people may find a sense of awe in seeing the predator deal with the prey. Using this metaphor on those people will cause conflict, since these people may not necessarily want to associate with the predator in terms of the person driven by a predatory behavior, but will nonetheless admire the predator for qualities it may possess.) And others, as in my case, will find the imagery used to present that metaphor questionable: again, how do I reconcile the imagery of the cat as a cruel predator when you have two, and when I know that cats, despite their aloofness, can be thankful creatures in the only way they know, that one being predators that make offerings to the creatures they consider worthy.

I'll isolate that last one for a specific reason: I have to confront that imagery that I have of cats (and I'm not a cat person, BTW - very specifically a dog person!) with the third paragraph, which is what I consider essential to understand this tale. It is how you frame this third paragraph, the one that sets you as kindred to prey rather than the predator, and the following sentence, that define everything. The use of the metaphor mostly serves as framing for this particular association you make, and in that regard, as I said, it's effective. However, as effective as it may be, it relies on the reader having a natural indisposition towards predatory behavior. How will your tale reach to someone who finds predatory behavior admirable? As a critique, I find answering that question will make this particular tale a lot more powerful.

I'm not sure if you're a follower of Judeo-Christianity, but I find the words used by prophet Nathan to king David as the ultimate condemnation of predatory behavior. Notice the tale prophet Nathan uses to challenge king David (https://www.esv.org/2+Samuel+12/ - verses 1 to 4, specifically), and David's reaction (verses 5 and 6), which leads to Nathan's condemnation (7 to 12). Regardless of belief, if seen (purely) in the literary sense, you can see how a wise man makes a scathing condemnation of someone who indulges in improper behavior - behavior that led to the death of an innocent. Most importantly, it's the condemnation of someone who would naturally find predatory behavior disgusting. I find your story very similar in that regard to that tale, though without the condemnation - rather, it is simply a manifestation of your anxiety, as a way to form an escape. I feel that, as a liberation tale, it can serve as a way to jitter the reader into reconsidering whether they should support predatory behavior.

I sincerely hope that you found a way to deal or escape that unfortunate situation, considering the time since you wrote this and the time I managed to read it. In mechanical terms, it's a very effective way to convey your emotions, but I find the lack of a place to discuss that, and the lessons it can bring, a potentially missed opportunity.
10
10
Review of THE THIRD LESSON  
Review by Nostrum
Rated: E | (5.0)
My. May I say, I'm quite impressed by the twist at the end.

I find incredibly charming that you make such an interesting snapshot of India's market; as I read, even though I haven't visited the country, I could find myself hearing the ambient noises of people speaking in unison. Between the use of sounds and phrases in Hindi alongside English and the descriptions, I had a very clear sense of the background sounds. The images aren't very clear, so I couldn't imagine the locales (something I would've appreciated), but I find this short story fitting very well in terms of sounds - it is, in my opinion, a story that relies more on sound and dialogue than in visuals.

I do find the grammar, particularly the position of commas and the duplicate use of ellipses, a bit distracting. Being a ESL writer and speaker, the way the story's structured from a grammatical standpoint stands out a bit too much. One thing I won't debate is the dialogue - the way the characters speak, I find, is a reflection of the dialogue of the typical Indian, and altering it to suit proper grammar would be a disservice, but the punctuation is definitely an issue - minor, if I may add, but still an issue.

What I must praise, though, is the story itself. It has a smooth tempo - meaning, the story flows very naturally, with the action happening when it has to happen, and scene transitions never feeling as if they were forced or awkward - which engages the reader. The dialogue really makes you feel like you're in Siliguri, in the real place, rather than a facsimile of the place. The problem within the story (that of the main character being duped, and thus being very wary of peddlers and street vendors) manifests in a way that it's very clear, through action, without having to spend too much time explaining. It's very obvious what happened, and makes the twist at the end (the people he thought swindled him were actually honest people that wanted to pay him dues) be ever more surprising. I find one point of the story, where the dhobi speaks to Pradip, hanging a lampshade (i.e., bringing attention to something, in this case the idea you wish to express through the story) to the main theme behind the story. Are you trying to make a case about how karma actually works as a concept, compared to the Western perception of it? The way Pradip's fortune changes, and how it ends up abruptly, seems to suggest the reader should mentally finish the story - which is great, because if executed correctly, the right answer for Pradip would be to spread the fortune forward. I'm not sure if that's the lesson behind the story, but if it does, I must congratulate you because it has a very positive message, hidden within subtlety, but nonetheless one meant to reflect and ponder upon.

Quite frankly, of the random stories to review, this one really surprised me. Keep it up. You deserve the five stars.
11
11
Review of Love on a Seesaw  
Review by Nostrum
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Don't feel bad for the low review, but it's so hard to follow the story at times, it takes out of the enjoyment.

Mostly, the issue I see is formatting, though there's a bit I'd like to point out - specifically, about Polly's work as a social worker. Everything from "Earlier that same day[...]" to "[...]not paying attention to her own son" can be resumed in a single, concise paragraph, or a set of two paragraphs detailing what happens in her line of work. Having them as several sentences seems to disjoin them, and makes it hard to read the story. At best, the description of Polly's work is meant to add a layer to the story, but isn't the focus of the story (the relation between Greg and Polly, where the Caro personality seems to interfere, IS the story). I feel that you could rework it into two descriptive paragraphs, prompted by Greg asking Polly about her work.

Visually:
Following this sentence: "Caro walks with authority to the register. [...]", interject the prompt from Greg, which is already in your story: [Polly's cell phone rang. It was Greg. After initial greetings, Polly went silent.

"Are you there, babe?"

"Sorry, my mind is on this crummy case."] At this point, resume Polly's work in two paragraphs, with one probably dealing with the Benson case, and then other cases she's working. This describes Polly's line of work in a way that suggest Greg knows (the reader doesn't, hence the description) and genuinely worries about it. From there, you can follow up with the remainder of the story.

This is, however, one problem among many I noticed in the story, which makes it hard to follow. The story goes way too fast, seeming more like a draft of what you want to do with the story rather than a story itself. Now, the argument is interesting - the conflict between Polly and Caro, the way the former is attempting to deal with the latter (not sure how much research you've done into DID as a condition, so I won't give my opinion on how it's solved, other than it seems a bit too magical for what it really is, even though it does deal with one of the aspects of why a second personality manifests - Caro seems like a protector to Polly, but she's interfering with her personal life and thus has to be dealt with, from what I perceive), and how it's affecting her relationship with Greg. I like that the story has a happy ending (we need more of these feel-good stories where the protagonists deal with real-life situations in a credible and satisfactory way), which is what prompts me to critique, because I feel this could be refined into a superb story, but the way the dialogue is written really undermines it. For one, there's moments where you switch from third-person (narration) to first-person (thoughts), which should be indicated some way; for example, by separating the thoughts with italics from the narration. Example:

[Caro walks across the store in lace black lingerie to obtain the scarf. The sales woman's mouth drops open. With the scarf she creates a beautiful wrap over her breasts and ties it on the side. Greg will love it. She leaves the discarded mound of clothes at her feet. Let the old crow clean it up.
Caro walks with authority to the register. She pulls out Polly’s newest credit card. Caro only wants to add a little excitement to Polly's dull life. She doesn't see anything wrong with using Polly's credit card. Polly needs to get laid. She's dull. Men like sexy, spontaneous fun women.]

Notice the difference? While there's a bit of issues with formatting (short sentences that could be combined into complex ones, or sentences that could be expanded, you can see how splitting the thoughts from the narration helps define Caro as a personality that's obsessed with Greg, genuinely tries to help Polly, but doesn't think well of anyone else (hence, while she thinks of Polly as dull, she treats the saleswoman with disdain).

The other issue I meet is how you don't seem to commit to a specific writing format when doing dialogue. Sometimes, you follow a traditional format, where you indicate the speaker and the actions or thoughts it has at the moment, but at times you seem to write two or three lines of dialogue separately. This can create confusion in the reader, which can be detrimental.

This story needs to be polished (a LOT), but once it's done, it has an intriguing theme. It has aspects of horror and emotion that are pretty unique, something you don't see in most short stories. If you can find someone else that can help you revise it from top to bottom, it'd help immensely, as it's a great story after all. I didn't want to make a full rewrite, because I feel that's your job; as you revise it, and figure out what's wrong and what's right, and notice what are your strengths in writing while trying to work your weaknesses out or around them, you'll grow up as a writer and refine your skill.
12
12
Review of Simon Scarecrow  
Review by Nostrum
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ooo, brand new story! Hope it gets far.

It's a very charming story that has a lot of mature feel. The narrator could be anyone - an old man, looking for tchotchkes? A woman, perhaps a lonely one, looking for some company? The fact that the narrator isn't revealed, that it could be anyone and everyone, even the reader, makes it endearing. It's an appealing anecdote, one that I could easily have as well.

What I like the most is the mythos behind the story itself. How you easily establish the Crow Man as a bonafide boogeyman and give it a meaning, and how the "Small Knitty Gritty Kids" have their own identities. It establishes key points about Simon, his "siblings" and his fears, in very concise terms. That's a very rare skill, and one that can take a lifetime to develop.

Love the mention of Lao Tzu at the end, in order to impart a lesson. It's, after all, a children's tale; it often has a teaching, and having it so clear yet blending so well with the flow of the story makes it stand out without sticking like a sore thumb. And it has a pretty charming ending that seems to cut the story abruptly, but by then, the story's already told.

Again, a very charming story. Keep it up; you got some great talent.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
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Review of Naming Colors  
Review by Nostrum
Rated: E | (3.5)
Useful opinion, but an opinion nonetheless.

I do feel that describing colors is generally a matter of showing what they evoke. There's a specific meaning behind the color "blood red" that goes beyond the actual color of blood (or rather, the color of oxygenated blood), since it uses the symbolism of blood behind the color. Same for "fiery orange", or "ocean blue". You can notice that most existing color names actually follow that trend - "forest green" evokes the color of a forest, even though it can be different to certain people, as not all forests are the same. And sometimes, a primary or secondary color is more than enough - you really want to highlight the color when something's meaningful. (Coincidentally - light and color are related, so "highlighting" a color is a very appropriate thing to do.) So, a thesaurus for names of colors isn't a must.

But, it's an interesting discussion piece. I do feel that, while the word count and purpose may be a restraint, the theme is nonetheless inviting. I feel this would be a great introductory post for a discussion about colors and their purpose in writing; certainly, a colorless world would be interesting to observe (see: The Giver) but a drab world nonetheless. Addressing the importance of colors in writing, how they set up a scene, how they can revolutionize a scene, really demands discussion. And in this point, I feel it's a bit...lacking. I mean; sure, it sets the problem, and the proposed solution, but the development of your idea seems way too rushed. Allow me to explain: the introduction is short and sweet (you explain your purpose, and how it led to write the essay), the description immediately sets the problem (a writer cannot be satisfied with the use of simple colors) but assumes it almost as an absolute (why can't a good story be related only with the basic colors?) and sets a problem that I feel is nonexistent (RGB and hex are used exclusively for forum posts, but no writer would use them unless it's for a specific purpose - certainly not for writing, unless it's meant to be a clever troll, in which case - tip off my hat, very creative!). Then, there's barely two sentences of development, and right there, you set up the solution you propose. And the solution seems a bit disappointing - just look at the color names online! I feel that, had you addressed alternative solutions (tie adjectives or adverbs to basic colors so that they can serve as references to the reader; after all, a good writer sets references that are easy to understand, and there's a big difference between using "burnt sienna" and "the color of a mountain in early daylight"), it would've been a solid essay.

However, it's that missing bit that invites the discussion, because it'll inevitably prompt the discussion. I don't feel that may have been your intention, but if it was, then it was a very clever way to invite the discussion. (Again - I have difficulties trying to associate "burnt sienna" to a color that my eye sees, or that a camera captures, or that a picture has. Sometimes, simplicity is the best solution.) The solution proposed as a conclusion is inviting - as in, it invites the writer to expand his or her horizons, with a bit of a joke at the end as a sort of eye catch.

Personally, it's a good read and I can agree with most of your points, but I cringe a bit in that it could've been a bit more elaborate. Again - maybe it's the purpose of the essay and the limitations of word count, but with a bit more elaboration, it could be a very interesting read.
14
14
Review by Nostrum
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Got into this little bit of fiction randomly.

It's a pretty interesting read with a superbly fun twist - I like the idea of self-deprecation, and the fact that the protagonist has a fierce mouth helps things. The way she confronts the author (you?) by using the God card is a bit of an eye-opener, considering how authors are indeed the creators of the content within that story. It also redefines the idea of "listening to your characters", something I do enjoy when writing up, as I feel they're more alive.

A few things, though, made it infinitesimally less enjoyable - infinitesimally, because they're minor nuisances. For one, the protagonist's name; I'm used to hear the name as "Noemí" in Spanish, and between that and elementary/middle school Spanish classes haunting me with grammar and rules of accentuation (Noemi as a word is "llana", not "aguda", but then again, it has a "hiato" on it) makes it difficult to pronounce. Second, the two paragraphs explaining how the events of the zombie apocalypse began seem...odd, at least to my form of writing. There's several sentences that could be compounded, IMO, which would give it a more natural feel. That said - the writing is sharp, and it definitely mounts the tension up until the record scratch.

All in all, a surprising good read, considering very few things really catch my attention.
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