Overall Impression: There's a lot of good stuff here that is getting lost. Why are you burying the good stuff by racing through?!
What I liked:
I like the surly take on your protagonist. I find the morose teen who has nothing to be insufferable about tedious, and I really enjoyed the transition that occurs at the end of this story. The revelation that maybe her take on the world wasn't accurate is refreshing. Too, I enjoyed the subtle shift wherein the assumed "cool guy" who wishes to join in throwing stones at the world wasn't a predictable love interest.
Suggestions:
1) Draw me a picture with your words:
You've got some great descriptions in here, but as a reader, I felt some of the more descriptive/humorous observations were too clumped to enjoy. As an example, the introduction of characters at the beginning of the story in a single sentence was too much. You're racing! Spreading this concept out through a couple of descriptive sentences would have given me a chance to really appreciate the accuracy and humor that is hiding here.
There are a lot of descriptions relating to which direction things were located and where characters were headed. Yet I felt one of the best lines written relates to the description of the medieval dwelling. The use of the word "fake" is extremely powerful in this sentence. More like this! Less like "so I walked toward X." or "he walked towards Y" These need to come alive. What did the characters see on the way. Even if it's dull, flat, dusty, dry, hot, or a mind-numbingly barren field... etc.it would be helpful to "see" since you brought it up. And, if you find in writing the description, that there is no point in describing it or that it's not interesting enough to describe, then probably, it isn't crucial enough to the story to mention.
2) Work on natural dialogues:
As an example, you may wish to remove the actual quoted dialogue with the counselor and instead describe the unsuccessful exchange. Keep those quotes for live action.
Try testing the conversations. Without using any of your descriptions regarding what the characters may have thought of how they might have responded, read only what is in the quotes. Do you find the exchanges natural?
You'll note that people generally tend to ramble (take me for instance), yet your exchanges are very cut and dry.... Until the end when Evan comes to life with an unbelievably long and telling exchange. Talk through the actual words that your main character says prior to Evan's speech. Doesn't it seems unlikely that he would be so forthcoming when all that has transpired up until this point are minimal expressions. Note, there are plenty of thoughts that you as the author have shared with the reader, but Evan would have been oblivious to all of that. He can only react to the words that were spoken up to that point. As a reader, I feel cheated as more must undoubtedly have occurred between these two for him to feel he could trust her with this information. All she had done up until this point was talk to his enemy. So what aren't you telling me? What would make him want to trust her? Why is he working so hard to win her over?
3) Don't be afraid to write, and write and write.
What you have here is a really interesting read, a fantastic backdrop and some really complex characters I'd like to get to know better. (What does that mean?)
Excellent question. I'm glad you asked.
Just don't be afraid to fill paper. Otherwise, you're covering too much ground in too short a space.
Some examples:
You've mentioned more than once beautiful people and some stereotypes that the lead character may have assumed. (Is this about not judging a book by it's cover?)
You've indicated bullying behavior on the part of Brett. (Is this about standing up to Bully's?)
Despite having a single example, Riley (aka Ricki) was supposedly "a bitch" all day. When? How? There was only a single exchange prior to the end and it was fairly tame.
There is a lot of cynicism associated with appearance (big boobs and butt). (Is the protagonist insecure?)
Evan's desire to get Jane to the stable were borderline creepy until it was explained that he didn't wish to be there alone with a bully. I really thought this was going somewhere dark and I then learned that wasn't the intent at all. If it was enough to inspire a physical reaction (pseudo sword fight), it was creepy and he was far too determined.
And how does Evan know Jane needs to learn about friendliness, happiness and acceptance? (Again, based on the exchanges they've had, he would be unaware of how judgmental she had been (mentally).
How does he know she's unhappy? He didn't know she had to do volunteer work. How would he know she hadn't thought this was a great idea?
Why does Evan want her to apologize? Because she misjudged Riley/Ricki? Because she hit him with a sword? Because she trusted a bully and believed his version of the truth?
You inquired as to whether it was "funny". Your observations are creative, but having both slack-witted parents and "dolts" that make up educational requirements in the same sentence is cynical overkill. Space this out and get the timing right and these observations will seem more amusing. Again, write and write and write.
Try not to race to tell the story. Just write and write and write. The characters will get you to the end and fill in the gaps. You'll see.
In Closing:
This is really creative and you should be proud of your effort. This is an awesome start to something that I'm sure will be quite wonderful once you fill in a few gaps.
Thank you for sharing,
Orange1
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "