OVERALL:
It's been too long in coming, but here I am, finally, to begin my epic journey through your novel. It is such a pleasure reading your prose, truly. You have such a way with words -- your figurative language simply leaps off the page in dazzling somersaults, a display of skill that can't be taught. I took about thirty minutes away from your chapter after reading it, trying to look at it holistically, to see its strengths and flaws as an agent might see them. This, I know, is your biggest concern, as it is with the rest of us. My verdict is complex -- lots and lots of really good things, but a few very critical areas that need attention. As confident as I may seem in many of my writing endeavors, I want you to know that I take my advice concerning your work seriously. As much I have ever seen from any author on this site, you have a real shot at impressing an agent with your skill and story. My charge -- of assisting your story in getting to that point in the best possible shape -- is not something I take lightly. To reiterate my disclaimer, please do not consider me the final word on your story. Seek other advice, for I am human, and my opinions may be misinformed or just plain wrong. In a nutshell, everything about this first chapter screams originality in scope and detail -- you have incredibly delicious characters, settings, and circumstances. Where the flaws come in is that they are not arranged properly. The craft of storytelling -- particularly pace -- is in need of work, and hopefully I can assist you as you revisit this chapter and rearrange.
CRITICAL FICTION ELEMENTS:
There are critical elements to any fiction story, and you are stellar in some and are in need of improvement in others. In this section, I will speak briefly of each thing I think is important in a first chapter:
    Setting: On Puget Sound -- watery, alien, fluid -- rooted in the real world but somehow outside of it. All of these things are big, big plusses in your first chapter. 
Character(s): The only character shown is Merci, and I got a vivid picture of her. She's portrayed as sensual, sexual, vulnerable, caring, and strong -- an outcast/misfit who's mastered assimilation. She is smart and seasoned, but mysterious and troubled: the perfect protagonist. I was also introduced to Jeremiah Pleasant, Roman McNeil, and Mandella the cat. I know too much about Jeremiah and Roman, at this point. I'll get to this in a later section.
Circumstances: Aided by your incredible "backcover" blurb that heads the chapter, I am impressed by the circumstances you have created for your novel. It is Crichton-esque in its audacious attempt to blend genres. It's something that science fiction, action/adventure, paranormal romance, and psychological thriller readers will snatch off a bookshelf and devour in a weekend. The rare genetic disease that makes Merci alien yet medically explained is an incredibly original touch. The rugged sexiness promised by her Australian lover will please many. Military cover-ups, stealth missions, extra-terrestrial artifacts, dimensions of space, dimensions of mind, outer space and inner space. The promise of your novel is a sure-fire hit!
Plot: This is the area in the first chapter that is most in need of work. As I have heard from many who have completed multiple books, the first chapter ends up being written dozens of times before it is perfected. Plot is defined best as what is happening in the story, as the events that pull a reader along. The events of this chapter are too sparse at the moment to suffice. I will speak more about your plot troubles in the next section.
Pace: There is pure enjoyment gained just by reading your prose ... but it's not enough for an agent. The plot takes a long time to get moving, and when it does, you end the chapter. I will speak more about the strategies that can remedy this problem also in the next section and in subsequent reviews.
Dialogue: There wasn't much at all. There perhaps should be.
Opening Sequence: You first paragraph is perfect! I would open this on a bookshelf and smile after reading it. The problem is right after that. As much as I love that scene with the creepy scientists, you just can't begin a novel in the present and go straight into a dream sequence. You are pulling the rug out from under the reader the minute she enters your house, with no time for her even to admire your living room furniture. Again, I will address this more in the next section.
PROBLEMS WITH PLOT AND PACE:
I am not an expert, but years of reading, reviewing, absorbing, and trial-and-error has drawn a schematic in my mind of how fiction should work. In my mind's eye, I see a braid with three cords -- one for character, one for setting, and one for plot. Using this visual metaphor, each element should work with the other two, not leave them behind as it skips playfully ahead. Nor should an element gather a playmate and leave the other way behind. They should all three proceed at around the same pace; maybe not arm-in-arm, but certainly within hearing distance of each other's conversation. If Character and Setting leave Plot way behind while they frollick forward talking, Plot will have a very difficult time catching up without the other two stopping altogether. A modern reader will not appreciate this herky-jerky method of storytelling; the days of fifteen pages of Hemingway dialogue or four pages of history for the haunted woodlands beside the sleepy cottage are gone. Modern readers want to be submerged in the "fictional dream," to live within the world created by the author. They may not be able to turn their head, taste an apple, take a deep breath, or shout for help, but as an author, you want them to think they can. You do this by keeping all three cords of the braid marching forward at about the same pace, together. In your first chapter, you are moving one of your cords manually for a distance, stopping it, going back and getting another, bringing it forward, stopping, and going to get the third. There is the need for a blending of these three elements, a legerdemain cast over the reader that they are all three progressing simultaneously. You do this by giving a little of each, a little at a time. I will give you an example from one of my own short stories, "Aurora's Humanity." This is the opening sequence. I have color-coded character, plot, and setting to illustrate my attempt at a braid:
When Aurora closed her eyelids, it was a languid reflex meant to lessen the weariness weakening her senses. When she reopened them, the surrounds of Vayta Twelve’s command dome came back into focus sluggishly, like the fading in of a distant video broadcast. I need a long sleep with no dreams.
Now, I'm not saying this is perfect, but I do try to use this technique throughout my prose so that one element doesn't get left too far behind. The specific areas of your first chapter that I think violate this braiding idea are as follows:
The Dream Scenes: Although these are incredibly fascinating and provide much mystery and suspense, I feel as if they are misplaced to begin your story. You must strive to remain in the present, with what is happening at the beginning of your story.
Memories & Backstory: Merci is sleeping and dreaming. She wakes up, goes into the living area, ponders a carving by her father, looks at herself in the glass, looks out over Puget Sound and the coast, thinks about her lover Roman, notices her cat's reaction, and is attacked by what I assume is one of these "events" of hers. This, to me, has always been one of the hardest things to accomplish in beginning a work of fiction. When we start with that first word, our story automatically wants to not only go forward, but backwards as well. The more forward motion we create in the plot, the more explanation, history, and circumstances pile up behind us. We are compelled to tell it, but we have to handle it masterfully, like a clandestine operative, a phantom of legerdemain. Merci's relationship with her father, her history growing up, her relationship with Roman ... these are essential parts of not only character, but I'm sure the plot as well. But we can't be handed them all at once. It's very tricky. More on this at a later time.
The Flashback: My friend, you have it all in your first chapter, I'm afraid. You have opening dream sequences that displace your barely established setting, paragraphs of info-dumps (however fascinating and interesting) about Merci's disease, her childhood, and her relationship with her father and Roman, and a flashback. These make up maybe three-quarters of the words of your chapter, yet in my opinion, they are all misplaced and will never get by a cynical agent. Are they good? Hell yes! Are they well written? Beautiful! Are they necessary? Absolutely! Are they where they are supposed to be? Not at all.
So, what can you do about them? Well, I can offer very little advice at this time until I read further. Logic and reason would dictate that one's first chapter is always the last thing one writes. This is most probably the case, for the ending will tend to reform the beginning as it materializes. That is why this first chapter may not be exactly where you need to focus your attention at this point (unless, of course, the rest of the novel is finished). If you have written to the end, then this first chapter would be the next area of attention. I will give some general tips in the following sections concerning what you can do now, with what I've read. As I progress through the chapters, a recommendation for rearrangement will most assuredly present itself.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Even though a lot of this chapter may be cut, moved around, or enhanced, I still think it is worth our time for me to offer my edits. Here are the things that I found; I've pulled them out for you here. ▼ "...octogenarian couple lounged on their porch siping [sipping] iced tea, watching..."
"'Look, look, there it is[,"] an excited boater yelled, "the wraith of wing point.'"
"All the usual sleep[-]inducing remedies had failed."
"Grandmother's warm milk and [c]innamon, yuck."
"Her own concoction of Doctor [Dr.] Pepper and [G]inger [S]naps was tasty..." Brand names should always be capitalized and/or written exactly as they are.
"...searching its time[-]worn surface, then finding..."
"...his peppermint breath, his [O]ld [S]pice aftershave." Brand names, again.
"...and whispered a prophetic warning, one of many treasured wisdom's [wisdoms] from crazy old dad. "
"Always keep swimming[,] baby. You stop swimming. You drown."
"At four years[-]old, little Merci Pleasant became a mutant ninja, an..."
"This is [was] her favorite spot in the house, day or night. " Tense shift.
"Crazy[,] it seemed, ran in the family."
"...her spry, yoga[-]practicing, pot[-]smoking, eighty-year-old grandmother."
"She had fallen hard for the fair[-]haired Australian archaeologist, bloody[-]lip hard."
"Sometimes her errant thoughts became questions[:] with all her peculiar maladies, how could this man love her?"
"...in a dark forest could not have been more spine[-]tingling. "
"...involuntarily emptied in a warn [warm] geyser, puddling on the hardwood floor."
"...into the Winnie-the-Pooh[-]themed pillow bunched..."
"Amid the pandemonium, a pair of clawed hands appeared at the foot of her bed[,] followed by a creature so rank and horrible [that she was able to find] she found her voice."
SUGGESTED REWORDS:
Everything mentioned in this section is purely my opinion and not a hard-and-fast rule of grammar or style. In all instances, I try to explain my rationale for the suggestion. You are free to disagree or disregard anything in this section with my blessing.  I have a list of recommendations and suggestions here. ▼
 Suggested Reword: "Divergent interpretations echoed in Merci Pleasant's head, distant, haunting, like loons calling through a morning mist." Try this: "Divergent interpretations echoed in Merci Pleasant's head -- distant, haunting, like loons calling through a morning mist."
Suggested Reword: "The rumble quickly turned into an early model turquoise Mustang." "Turned" is a bit of a weak verb. Try this: "The rumble quickly morphed into an early model turquoise Mustang."
Suggested Reword: "The old man looked annoyingly at his gawking wife, then turned to stare at the car, now waiting in front of a slowly opening wrought iron gate." Here is an -ly adverb I think you can change. There were also a couple of other stumbles in this sentence: Try this rewrite: "The old man looked with annoyance at his gawking wife, then turned to stare at the car, which now waited in front of a slowly opening gate."
Suggested Reword: "Suddenly a ghostlike figure ran through the heavily treed shoreline, disappearing, then reappearing, giving short glimpses of its naked form bobbing like a gazelle, trailing sounds of childish laughter." This sentence is wonderfully descriptive, but I think you may get better impact if it was broken and rearranged. Try this: "Suddenly a ghostlike figure ran through the trees along the shoreline, trailing sounds of childish laughter. It disappeared and reappeared, giving short glimpses of its naked form bobbing like a gazelle."
Suggested Reword: "Finally, in desperation, a rousing session of self-gratification, a method that usually put her out like a sap to the back of the head." I think that your rating insists that you don't play coy with Merci's actions. My recommendation would be to use the word "masturbation," for it contains no ambiguity about what she did (for all we know, she could have just put body lotion on her feet). It also adds a little sexuality into your story, and informs your reader that you will not be shy in describing normal human interactions. This is, however, a highly subjective opinion. You should do what's best for yourself and your story concerning this issue.
Suggested Reword: "Exhausted, Merci shambled from her bedroom, past a massive stone fireplace still flickering with dying embers, the last splits of Birch glowing like fissures of molten lava." This is a wonderful description, but I think it may be a little better and more powerful broken up. Try this: "Exhausted, Merci shambled from her bedroom, past a massive stone fireplace still flickering with dying embers. The last splits of Birch glowed like fissures of molten lava."
Suggested Reword: "She admired her reflection, a diaphanous white-as-paper phantom, something not quite human, yet the unearthly creature that stared back made her smile." This is another wonderful description that I think would be more effective split. Try this: "She admired her reflection, a diaphanous white-as-paper phantom, something not quite human. The unearthly creature that stared back made her smile."
Suggested Reword: "Would her life be so different if they knew, she thought, moving closer, seeing her eyes glitter. Silly question." This sentence reads a bit awkward. Try this: "Would her life be so different if they knew, she wondered? Moving closer to the glass, her eyes glittered. Silly question."
Suggested Reword: "Only four people, her doctor, her lover, and two close friends, knew that Merci lived with a secret, a rare genetic mutation called Hyperleucism." Punctuation alternative for clarity: "Only four people -- her doctor, her lover, and two close friends -- knew that Merci lived with a secret, a rare genetic mutation called Hyperleucism." A second alternative, and one that I favor, would be this: "Only her doctor, her lover, and two close friends knew that Merci lived with a secret, a rare genetic mutation called Hyperleucism."
Suggested Reword: "An overstuffed leather recliner welcomed her 140 pounds with a sigh, pimpling her bare skin with a brief rush of coolness. " I am not sure that we need or want to know Merci's specific weight in pounds unless that information is essential to the plot (like if she had an eating disorder, or something). It is distracting, otherwise. Try this: "An overstuffed leather recliner welcomed her 140 pounds with a sigh, pimpling her bare skin with a brief rush of coolness."
Suggested Reword: "Surrounded by water on three sides, and a fifteen-foot high, wrought iron-gated wall protecting the properties only land-based entry, the five-acre isthmus jutting into Puget Sound became her Wonderland, her Narnia, her Jurassic Park, a warm, comforting place that opened wide to the most life-fulfilling gift of all, her imagination." This description is a bit awkwardly written. Here's another version: "Surrounded by water on three sides, the property's only land-based entry was protected by a fifteen-foot-high, wrought iron gate. This five-acre isthmus jutting into Puget Sound became her Wonderland, her Narnia, her Jurassic Park, a warm, comforting place that opened wide to the most life-fulfilling gift of all: her imagination."
PLAN OF ACTION:
This plan of action is my advice on what I would do to improve your chapter in a set, particular order. Your are free to disregard this (or anything I say, of course). The Plan of Action I offer is only a strategy to follow if you feel you need one as you revise.
 First, I would suggest going in and correcting the punctuation errors. This helps the next reviewer immensely.
Second, sit down inside your own head and really try to nail home exactly when your story begins. I did this with Betrayer for a long time until I finally settled on the fact that the meeting between Jarvis and Orlok was the very first event that propelled the plot of my story forward, the push that upset the inertia of the status quo. That is why my story begins with that scene rather than with Will. I have spent months and months considering this, and Mandy has been trying to do it with her own novel, Water-Eater. She ended up lopping off most of her prologue and eliminating a very nice scene altogether. It is not an easy thing to achieve, because remember, our stories don't just have forward plot motion -- the backstory piles up, too! And the more forward in time our story moves, the more complex it becomes. And the more complex it becomes, the more backstory, history, geography, customs, and traditions our particular fictional world gathers. We have to learn what is important, and what is not; what adds flavor, and what distracts the reader. I cannot make specific suggestions concerning your plot's beginning until I get some more of it under my belt. Right now, I have Mikhail and Merci, and very little connecting them. This first chapter, actually, read more like a prologue then the actual prologue did. The pulse-pounding action and chronological motion of Mikhail's sea journey and shipwreck was more like what you want to shoot for -- forward-moving action and events of the plot in chronological order. Let's look at The Game of Thrones. Martin's prologue is about men of the Night's Watch pursuing wildlings north of the Wall. While ranging, they encounter the Others. The very first actual chapter is written from the point of view of Ned Stark, and it's about one of the men in the prologue who must, by law, be beheaded for deserting his post. The prologue and the first chapter are connected by that one person; the events of one has consequences in the next. I think this is essential to the beginning of any plot. The two things in your story that I have read have no connection that I can see at this point. Again, my ideas will come together or change completely as I move forward.
Third, consider my suggested rewords and see if you like them. Change your prose to suit based on these decisions.
Fourth, keep writing on your novel while you wait for my slow behind to get around to Chapter 2.  Maybe try a different approach to thinking about your plot in the meantime. Try outlining, brainstorming, or even a plot calendar with dates and times. I did this with Betrayer, and man, was I glad I did. I had so many things out of whack, chronologically, because of my many sub-plots and point-of-view switches. Anyway, the point is that these are all things that keep you thinking about your novel, arranging events in your mind, solidifying your story to where it becomes personal history to you. I will be along as soon as I can to take up the torch once again!
ELEMENTS THAT I LOVED:
"Wow" moments that convince me of your skill, creativity, and vision or else make me wish I had written them myself! 
 I absolutely LOVE the name Mercedes (Merci) Pleasant! It is one of the all-time great names!
I love the fact that Merci is diseased, and I also am intrigued about the nature of that disease. I particularly liked the astronomical probability of the genetic mutation.
These dream sequences -- aside from being misplaced -- were incredibly evocative. I liked them all, but the one that stuck with me the most was the "the wraith of wing point."
I liked Merci's connection with her father through a carving on a table-top. Even though the memories sparked were a case of "too much, too soon," they built excellent character and backstory.
As I mentioned above, one of the aspects of your story I like the most is it genre-busting premise and style: it seems to be part supernatural, scientific/clinical, horror, erotica, action/adventure, thriller, psychological, historical, anthropological, and science fiction all rolled into one big amalgamation of awesome. 
EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLE:
 "When her mother died, Jeremiah Pleasant clung to his former life with a tenuous grip. A day after her funeral, he released that grip, and slid silently off the edge. Before a week passed, he had sold the farm, tucked Merci under his arm, and headed for the closest airport."
 This is flawless prose with a perfect backstory tone. It has that quality of hindsight judgment that keeps the reader still in Merci's point of view.
"In that terrible time after his passing, her adolescent mind swam in quiet chaos, but she endured tight-lipped and dry-eyed through the ritual, the uncertainty."
This is just a lovely example of your prodigious skill with words!
"During the last two years, her father’s ghost had been quieted while wrapped in the compelling embrace of Roman McNeil. In his arms, a long dormant part of her brain was thrown open and lit with Tokyo neon. She had fallen hard for the fair haired Australian archaeologist, bloody lip hard. "
  This is the best I can do to approximate jaw-dropping. Masterful writing, my friend!
 Okay, JJ! I hope this review is what you wanted. I want you to realize my purpose for being so picky and critical. You are on your way, there's no doubt in my mind. But the things you are struggling with are the same things I'm struggling with: advanced plot issues of pace, point of view, author intrusion, how to begin, what to leave out, and that massive braid of plot, character, and setting that helps to keep the reader in the "fictional dream." I hope that we can continue to help each other reach our ultimate goals in publishing. I will be along as soon as I can with the next chapter review.
Regards,
PatrickB 
Creator of The Art of Criticism Project and Charity Dartmasters,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
Muse Masters Campfire Creative, The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang,
Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.
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| (4.5)
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Oh, by the way, I'm going to attempt to rate the other two stories I read. You can count my comments in this review as my unofficial review to go with those ratings.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Figurative Language: A long time ago, I created a paragraph of instructions about figurative language actually using the figurative language itself. I think that the following example can help you see how all of these devices work together to bring depth and imagery to your writing, whether it be poetry or prose: 
On the top-left side of your screen is a box of links that begins with 
Review the work of others. Be sure to look to 
I went into your portfolio to see if you had other poems I could read before reviewing this one, and there was nothing else there! 
Greetings, 
Ye Olde Treasure Chest O'Port Love 
I have a confession to make; I hope you don't mind! I read this poem aloud to my crew -- well, most of them. Polly Pete and JugJug Jenkins got into a fight earlier in the day and knocked each other out. Anyway, I have to tell ya, you brought quite a few tears to quite a few eyes. All of us can relate to these tragedies of the sea. There is no other loneliness quite like what can be found on the ocean. After I read this poem, my crew and I did a rum shot to your tortured protagonist, may he rest soundly beneath the waves at the breast of Thetis. Cheers! Oh yeah, just so you know, I also read and enjoyed "
Captain's Log: It's always tough to say goodbye! I blubber for days after sailing away from someone's port, wondering if I will ever see them again. This is one of the few childish moments my crews allows me. Of course, it also doesn't hurt that when I'm in a blubbering fit, I'm also mean as a snake. I enjoyed visiting you and getting to know you through your poetry and prose. I wish you the best in all things! 
(2.5/5)
Although this one is also very minor, it's still not exact writing. You say they ate in silence, but then claim they spoke occasionally. Here is what I recommend: 
General Advice on Figurative Language: 
Ravens are black, so it nails the color, but it also adds all the history and connotation that comes with the idea of "raven"-ness. What comes to mind for a reader? Halloween, Edgar Allan Poe, Alfred Hitchcock, a bird eating a dead body, a portent of ill-times, just a general sense of shadows and evil. So, when we read about your narrator's hair described as 
"Patrick writes."
"While you write."