Hi E E Coder. I found your story on the Angel In-Depth Review Forum.
I really enjoyed this piece. You accomplished a lot in a very short space. I don't see many photographs attached to static items; it was a nice touch and made it easier to picture your narrator and her situation.
This story hit home for me. I remember worrying about worst-case scenarios involving HIV when I was in high school. Luckily, I never received the news that your narrator did, but I was a worrier and remember pondering worst-case scenarios. When she does receive the bad news, her voice and thought process struck me as authentic. You did a really great job portraying her inner soundtrack.
I had two questions regarding the sequence of events in the story:
1. Would the doctor really be able to ask for a list of sexual partners? And then contact them to ask them to get tested for HIV? In the US, I think this might violate privacy laws. I always thought that the person who's contracted HIV was strongly encouraged to contact past sexual partners. I can't imagine what that would be like.
2. Would she go to the doctor with a slight cough - indicating her first trip to the doctor for this, and come away with an HIV diagnosis that would require a cocktail of drugs? I took a few HIV tests in my day - and, at least back then, one had to wait a week or two (or an eternity, it felt) for the results.
One last point:
Mechanics:
There are a few comma splices in this next sentence. I was torn about pointing this out - since the running together of the sentences leads the reader through the realistic pattern of her thoughts after she receives bad news.
I wasn’t listening to him anymore though, the first words out of his mouth had hit me like a club to the head, all I could do was sit there.
A quick fix would be to substitute semicolons (;) in where the commas are now. That will kill off these comma splices and quiet the grammar crazies (ducks head).
Overall, I really enjoyed this story and am glad to have found it through the Angel In-Depth Review Forum. I saw that you have another story posted there. I'll be reading that this month, as well. :)
Hi JudyB! I can't really call this an in-depth review because it'll be short. But I wanted to post a review to this piece because I truly believe it deserves the 5.0 rating that I'm assigning to it. Before reading this, I had been thinking about my week, about my Friday, and a couple of tough clients I had to deal with late this afternoon. I had been losing myself to the day's thoughts. But, then I read this and and it helped me regain some perspective. Living positively and cherishing each day are two things that we could all strive to do. Thank you for posting this to WDC and sharing with the community. It truly is honest, uplifting, and engaging.
I left myself a note to stop by your portfolio with my reviewing pen and I’m glad I did.
The narrator’s voice already emerges in this short monologue - she’s pensive, if not also a little mysterious. It becomes immediately clear that this tale has a supernatural tinge to it and I saw in the tag, that there’s some romance too. So, I’m already looking forward to spending more time with this story.
In short, this preface does just what it should. It encourages the reader to stay with your story - and to keep reading. It leaves the reader with more questions than it answers and sets a solid base for later chapters.
One quick question - I got a little lost when you say the word ‘fair’ comes to mind when considering unimaginable life forms. I didn’t see the connection.
Also - and this is totally fine - 22 might strike some of your readers as kind of young to be ready to ‘settle down’. I know I wasn’t ready at 22 ;)
There isn’t always a map and when the lights were off, a map wouldn’t help anyway.
This is a great line - made me chuckle. :)
For a long time, I, again, was unable to see.
This, the last line of the story, is a great note to end on. :)
Great work on this! Thanks for stopping by my port and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Wow - nice work on this story. The narrator’s voice is authentic, genuine, and her story itself takes me back to some great high school memories of my own. Body suits . . . those were big back in my high school days, but I hadn’t thought they would ever come back into style.
I got a little confused when the narrator says Hoff would provide a foreclosed house for the party:
“We obtained permission from him to use a house.”
and then the party starts at her house.
One of my friends arrived early from Connecticut to help me set up. We got dressed in my room, and I contemplated about my body suit.
I figured it out later when they leave for the party at Hoff’s house, but it took me a while. Foreclosed houses - brilliant, by the way.
“Between my dad’s dementia and my mom’s overprotectiveness. . .”
I didn’t see any other references to the father’s forgetfulness in the story, maybe this would appear in later installments, but for now it felt like a loose end.
“He had bought a good deal of beer before he realized that my parents were going to be home and on alert. He wanted to know what to do with the dearth of cans.”
“Dearth” doesn’t quite work here. It means “a lack of”.
The narrator’s parents seem a little detached from all of this. They don’t really bat an eyelash when the narrator leaves with several carloads of teens on a Saturday night and again when she tells her mom that she’s been drinking.
Formatting - I’d recommend adding some spacing between paragraphs and within the dialogue. It’s not incorrect the way you have it, but it’d be easier to read with more spacing.
I wasn’t sure Hoff could have picked a lock on a house with a bobby pin. Could he have gotten the keys from his father or figured out those gray boxes that hang from the doorknobs of houses for sale?
“The house was completely empty and there were no doors, only windows.”
I was confused here. Is the narrator referring to interior doors? There’s an exterior door. There are only windows inside?
“Jacob walked in last, carrying two black garbage bags full of cans of warm beer.
“Anyone want?” he offered. Daniel, Jason, Brittany, Hoff, two other girls, and I approached the bag greedily, while some of the girls, including the other birthday girl, stood back.”
I’m not sure I’d ever crave warm beer - even when I was in high school.
Overall, this is a great story and a nice start. I’ll definitely be back to read more. This has inspired me to think of writing of my own high school memories. Do you think there’s any interest among today’s high school students for stories of high school students of years past?
What a surprising twist you've worked into this piece. I started out thinking - "new shoes - I can relate to that!" I think every girl has bought a pair of shoes she loves like these. But, toward the end, where the tale takes a twist toward the supernatural - I found it refreshingly surprising. Thanks for sharing this with the community :) -Paige.
Halloween is my favorite holiday! My favorite stories come from Halloween! When I was reading, I wondered if you were trying to draw your readers into a state of suspense with this tale? Or if you were narrating a story of a long-ago hanging?
I love History and feel closer to the past during this time of year. I love this story's idea! But I wanted to feel closer to Jack or Jaime or Nathan. Live in their heads. I wanted to feel Jamie's or Nathan's shame, fear, guilt or Jack's sense of betrayal, anger. But I felt as if I was being told of these events, rather than living these events. Have you thought of writing this from the point of view of one of these three men?
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