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34 Public Reviews Given
77 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review of The Sentinel  
Review by Wilder
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey, W. D.!

This is Wilder returning with warm holiday wishes for you and yours. And since October kind of got away from me (several Halloween parties and I hosted a roaring 20s murder mystery cocktail party) leaving me woefully unprepared for October's contest, I thought I might stop by with review of one of your pieces. I've selected The Sentinel.


It is never pleasant to come upon the dead in a lonely place at midnight.

This is a great hook! It sets an immediate mood while being just creepy enough to keep your readers moving along with morbid curiosity.

The watchman felt the hair stand on the nape of his neck…

Although this does present your readers with a clear image, can you imagine another, less literal, way of sharing this image. Perhaps a simile or a more viciously figurative way of expressing this idea could help transition from your terrific hook.

This part of the museum was alight with candles in niches along the walls.

Some readers may feel as if they're being “told” a story rather than “living” it when they read “This part of the museum…” Perhaps by simple omission, the image can transition into the vividly drawn sentence that follows with something like “The museum was alight with…” Just an idea.

Bracing his wavering courage, he examined the body. The dead man’s head sagged on broken vertebrae; and his throat had been crushed to a pulp of purplish flesh.

WHOA! This is creepy! GREAT! It's vivid and sufficiently gruesome.

There was movement to his right, and a leg made of solid stone savagely kicked him in the belly and dropped him gagging for air.

Ouch!

His eyes tried to focus upon his assailant as another kick landed to his mouth. He screamed through a ruin of splintered teeth, blowing bloody froth from his mangled lips.

This is super graphic. This is a well drawn description of a brutal beating.

The heavy steps of the stone sentinel moved before him, and with inhuman strength, it lifted him up by the neck from the floor. With eyes glittering like gems, the god crushed the watchman, then slowly returned to its pedestal.

Do the Sentinel’s “steps” move before the watchman, or its hulking feet? How does the Sentinel step before the watchman? Also, “glittering gems” is a great image, but some readers may like to see a color like the fire of rubies or the deadly cold of sapphires. Just a thought.

This is a very mysterious ending. Readers are left to wonder about motive and what might happen to the next unfortunate watchmen. I have very definite ideas of what this story is about (I know, a classic Reader Response Theory). I love open endings.

What a wonderfully brief tale. I truly appreciate your ability to draw pictures through the use of carefully selected words. Your powerful, economical use of words is most often experienced in poetry, so when I find it in prose I become very interested. Well done!

I hope my review is useful to you, W. D. If you have any questions about what I've offered, don't hesitate to give a shout out.
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Review of WYRM  
Review by Wilder
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Here's to the new merit badge! Cheers!
3
3
Review by Wilder
Rated: E | (5.0)
Although the meter is irregular, there's enough rhyming to disqualify this poem as being free-verse (why do we find the need to put art in boxes?) Although I was expecting something else, I love it! This piece is both moving and honest.

If I were to sum this poem up in one word, it would be "loneliness." And with loneliness, in this case, comes bravery. Bravery is shown as our troubled hero commands us to "Leave!" in order for her to meet her whispering monsters. And what's more, the whispers come in the form of "sweet nothings." This is very interesting.

The idea of "sweet nothings" not only shows intimacy with her demons, it could also represent the core of her tortured life, that is, agonies of the heart. Troubles of the heart is underscored, later in the poem, as we encounter aspects of self worth, falsity and the imagery of the knife through the heart. Such agonies, as anyone who's experienced love might attest, could push one to a state of madness. This may or may not be the intended meaning, I just wanted to share my experience with you.

The poem ends on a rather dark and unsurprising note: death. Loneliness is in direct conflict with our basic human need for community, for touch and company. When a body's only relations seem to be with demons, then suicide is not an uncommon result (I know this for a fact). For right or wrong, true or false, we wander through this world with tortured perceptions (check Plato's "Allegory of the Cave"). How we make sense of a 3D world with or 2D eyes boggles my mind...but we make do, though sometimes we have problems figuring it out.

I walk away from this poem with a realization: although I cannot truly understand another's pain or choices, I at least have the power to try.

Beautifully done, T!
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Review of Uninspired muse  
Review by Wilder
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay, you asked for it and here it is. I hope my feedback is helpful. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

_______________________________________


My muse of olden lore,
Laying silent in store,
Staring out from my door.
Looking at you, I seek more.

Technically speaking, we are touched by a stanza of irregular iambs. The meter is also irregular which shows this poem to be of the free-verse variety. Free-verse poetry is one of my favorite flavors as it flaunts so many structural rules (there's enough structure in language and our lives, we don't always need more...sorry, Shakespeare.) However, this stanza consists of perfect rhyme which disqualifies it as being purely free-verse...very interesting.

The image I see is the poet being touched (perhaps summoned) by lore. This lore may represent more than just stories, it could be such things as knowledge, wishes, fantasy and desire as she looks outward for "more." Additionally, since the muse is personified from lore, the poet may be touched (or desire to be touched) by her inspiration. It's not entirely clear and such a mystery should urge your readers forward with curiosity. Great!

But you seem uninterested,
Perhaps even frustrated
But my curiosity isn't sated,
And my work is not completed.

With something to complete, the the poet is driven past the face of frustration. We see an undaunted poet as she she knows she wants something and is determined to get it.

With your long silence, I cease.
Here I am, stuck on a precipice.
I am desperate for the keys
To unlock this new masterpiece.

The plot thickens: what is this new masterpiece? It could be a work of art, literature or her self, to name just a few things. By gently revealing the poem, you reserve ample opportunity to fill your readers with vivid imagery. So far, I love the pace.

My fingers feel the pen is heavy,
My mind is growing weary.
My friend, will you not tell me
The rest of our glorious story?

We feel the muse being summoned by the poet and, at the same time, we discover what the masterpiece is likely to be: a work of literature. The personification of the muse is wonderful as it relates back to the Greek idea of the sister goddesses. The call for the muse to balance creativity amidst chaos is not altogether unfamiliar. The impish spirits of creativity are often times fickle, unreliable and truly unruly...but what we won't give to share in their gifts!

You stare at me quietly.
Why are you so gloomy?
"Have I so offended thee?"
I ask you, tenderly.

The impish muse resides outside the poet and she blames herself for it's lack of attention. This is an interesting psychological turn: the poet's lack of inspiration resides outside herself. This is truly meaningful and sincere.

"No", you say with a sigh
"It is not you, it is I
All we do and say is a lie
Reality I cannot continue to deny."

This stanza contains more sincerity on the part of the poet. We see an internalization of responsibility with regards to creativity. There seems to be a revelation that the poet and muse are not necessarily mutually exclusive. This stanza perfectly resolves the previous one. Great!

Rising I walk toward you
And grasp your hands anew
Drenched in twilight's blue,
My dear muse has not a clue.

Love it! The "muse has not a clue"! We see the poet rising with awareness, growing with a new grasp of the situation (great imagery here), and all at the end of the day. Beautiful resolution! Vivid and delicious...great, Tabitha! The poet reclaims responsibility for her work, effort, and art.

"O my soul, these lies set us free
For only through them, do we see
The lessons of life with clarity
Through our humble art, we shall teach humanity."

This is the most confusing concept of the entire piece: it is only through lies does she see. I'm unsure what this means, but it sure stops me and makes me think (that's not necessarily a bad thing.) I think it's the connection of "lies" with "clairty" that's tripping me up. I really like the sentiment of the last line (and I truly believe poetry has such an ability), but the more I think about this final stanza, the more I think it isn't entirely necessary for the poem as a whole. The reason I mention it is due to the triumphant stanza preceeding it. Stanza seven is so wonderful and packs such power, I think it's an impossible act to follow. Have you considered ending the poem at stanza seven? That ol' magic number just makes me smile.

__________________________________________


This is a tremendous poem, Tabitha. You have a natural gift for writing and I encourage you to explore it all. My overall suggestion for this poem is to play with it and have some fun. In particular, I encourage you to look at its meter and see what you can do with it. And when that's done, dump the meter and all the rhyming and go purely free-verse with it. Study examples of iambic pentameter and try this piece in sonnet form. You have a tremendous amount to work with and an amazing talent to make it happen.

If you're interested, I suggest you check out Federico Garcia Lorca's concept the Duende (his idea of the muse...amazing!) and Wordsworth's opinions on Romanticism. Shakespeare's sonnets are all fantastic and you can't go wrong with Coleridge's, "Rime of the Ancient Mariner."

I truly appreciate your talent and willingness to share it with me. If you ever want to talk about prose or poetry with someone, you know where to find me.

Have a goody, Tabitha!

Tony
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Review of Midnight call  
Review by Wilder
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh, Tabitha! This is hilarious! I love your sense of humor. From the blase tone of the clerk to the frantic punchline at the end, this parable-noir is sharp and mean. Great!

Here's wishin' ya a great summer!

Tony
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Review of Sweet dreams  
Review by Wilder
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Tabitha!

Here's a review of Sweet dreams. Is the lowercase "d" in Dreams intentional?

________________________________________________________________________________

Aria was one of those prettier-than-average things whose beauty was never remembered.

What a beautiful opening! (No pun intended, although it's difficult to overlook.) I've read this sentence over-and-over, and I like it better with every new pass. It challenges me to think, very seriously, about aesthetics and how I deal with it. GREAT! In additon, your readers will naturally have to ask themselves one question: Why was her beauty NOT remembered? This question has to be answered and it will urge your audience to move forward through the story. This is simple, elegant, and brilliant!

Every night she was admired but forgotten by every mind that passed her way. And given her species, that was a serious problem.

This offers support to your opening sentence while increasing your readers' interest with the the mysterious idea of a "species." What is going on? I love it!

Have you ever wondered what happened to thoughts when you forgot them?

I love this question, however it seems to break the natural flow you've just created. If possible, perhaps this question could be presented later as the following paragraph (the one describing Aria's hometown) may be something your readers would want to help orient themselves within the story. Perhaps moving this bit down towards Dexter's "REM" description...just an idea.

Aria worked in Long Wave Inc. as the receptionist - the sweet dream that encouraged you to enter sleep. Her job was to simply look nice - a pretty scenery for all the action.

The development of Aria's character is great and I like that we ecnounter the story's title, however I'm unclear to whether the company is the "sweet dream" or is it Aria?

Dexter joined her by her desk, an oval monstrosity smack dab in the middle of the dimly lit foyer. Aria didn't so much as look at him, annoyed beyond belief by the greater-than-thou nightmare. He was a dark, shady dream - a deserted alley that fascinated humans for some reason. Once there, he turned into their wildest fear, chasing them until they woke up screaming.

Okay, I laughed out loud with "...annoyed beyond belief by the greater-than-thou nightmare." I love your sense of humor, Tabitha! Although there is creepy overtone to this passage, your phrasing is wonderful. Your subtle humor is always a wonderful addition to your stories. Keep it going, T!

Naturally, he expected fluffy dreams like her to fall for him.

The juxtaposition of "fluffy dreams" and "nightmares" is fantastic!

Coffee. Without sugar.

Again, so simple and yet so powerful! The enemy of dreams: coffee. This reminds me of the old story of the Buddha's tears and the tea tree. Black coffee and dreams. Perfect, T!

Y-Yes. Um, I need a muse. Where's your fantasy department?

Again, I'm laughing with this passage. Great!

Dexter was damn good at what he did, so obviously he had a better job. He worked REM times in the horror department. So he was one of those dreams you remembered. Unfortunately.

Wonderful! We (the readers) are "seeing" the characters as who they are and we are returning to our first question: why is Aria's beauty forgotten. I'm reminded of so many things here. For example: regarding The Wizard of Oz, from which direction does "Wicked Witch" hail? And what of the "Good Witch"? (People rarely recall the direction of the Good, but the Wicked West is always at hand.) It's human nature to dwell on the negative. That's odd but true. And there's an old restaurant saying that goes something like, "You may have a thousand great meals at a restaurant, buy you'll only remember the one bad one."

'How about you try a different genre?' The nightmare hissed. 'Like death. Or should I say, murder.'

Truly creepy!

Aria looked down at the shocked human.
'How’s that for a muse?'

With a clever bit of humor, you conclude this story. Great! I feel happy and triumphant.

______________________________________________________________________

Overall, this is a clever little story about dreams and thoughts. Although the story begins with a fantastic question (why is Aria's beauty NOT remembered?), I'm not fully satisfied with an answer. I don't believe it's necessary to answer everything, however you might want to explore the central question a bit more. Also, the inclusion of the Author is good: he is the human/mind, right? Perhaps more clarification on the Author's character could be helpful, that is, how does a mortal interact with his thoughts and dreams. I really like Aria, and Dexter I love to hate; you did very well with these two characters. The opening and closing of the story is perfect!

I hope this feedback is helpful, Tabitha. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask. And if you'd like me to have another go at it sometime in the future, just let me know.

Talk to ya soon,

Tony


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of A musician's life  
Review by Wilder
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Tabitha!

It's me, Tony. I just read A Musician's Life and had such a great time with it. I want to share some feedback with you. I hope you find my review helpful. If I can clarify anything, please don't hesitate to ask, I'm just a click away!

______________________________________________________________


‘Just shut up and stay inside the violin.’
I ran a hand through my dark hair, my lips tugging up despite my anger. That’s something I never thought I’d say. Then again, who thinks they'd ever say anything to a demon?

This is a wonderful opening with a great hook! I like it already!

The creature in question sat by the windowsill, combing her slender fingers though her frizzy blonde hair. Contrary to popular belief, the woman looked more like she'd stepped out of Toni and Guy rather than the Twilight zone. She was tan, a little extra on the curves and had ivy green eyes - both of which were staring daggers at me. I didn't mind too much - that last part was in the job description after marriage.

The "creature in question" is really engaging. Well done! Since the "Twilight Zone" could be referring to a proper title, some readers might expect "zone" to be capitalized.

No. I am not insane. (I had myself tested.)

Some readers may not expect the period between "...insane. (I had..."

‘You take me for granted so often.’ My better half - just a formality at this point - screeched.

Here we hear some real tension, and some readers may pause with "...- just a formality at this point - ..." Perhaps something like "'You take me for granted so often," my better half screeched,'" would offer a stronger impact on your readers.

It went on for a while. Thankfully, the ancient being didn’t know that earplugs were invented.

Some readers may wonder why an "ancient being" in our world would be unaware of "earplugs." Perhaps with a little redirection, such as, "thankfully, the creature's vision was as myopic as her argument and she didn't notice my earplugs," some readers might be helped along. There are millions of ways around this one. I really encourage keeping the humor; you have a natural way of balancing tension with humor. I like it a lot!

Bicker with me dearest, play my violin on the street and hope that the audience likes Mozart accompanied by high-pitched squealing.

‘Okay, I’ve about had it with you.’ I said. My patience had an expiry date of two minutes on a good day. Reminiscing obviously wasn't doing it wonders. ‘Get in the violin or -’

Wow! I love these passages and I'll bet many others will too. These are perfect examples of that clever balancing gift I mentioned earlier. This is the stuff that makes readers hungry for more. Fantastic!

‘Sure, honey. Let's find an attorney who can see me and we'll call it a deal breaker.’

This is a brilliant end! I love it! Okay, here we (the readers) are left wondering about the musician's sanity. We wonder about the relationship between the artist and his muse which, by most accounts, is really quite real.

____________________________________________________

Overall, this is a really fun story to read. Your pacing is brisk. Your concepts are clear and conclusion is brilliant. I really like your story and I look forward to much more, Tabitha. Thanks you very much for sharing.

Let's talk soon,

Tony


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of First love  
Review by Wilder
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Tabitha!

What I really liked about this short, short story is that it is so unexpected. I love the foreshadowing of the "sugar" which really made me pause, in a good way, and think about what might be coming next, however, I never figured on our hero to be an ant! This is great symbolism! In such a short piece, you offer good examples of emotion, humor, and action...this is a great entry and I'm sure the judges are going to love it. Well done! Oh, and my favorite line (besides the final line) is "wretched pheromones"...great!

Tony
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Review of Trains & Stations  
Review by Wilder
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Bees!

What an interesting take on language and metaphor. I share your interest in language, in particular, the relationship between author and reader. Your observation of how language can become "fuzzy" when engaged with abstract concepts is something I think about a lot, and when I think about it, my mind often wanders to theories of Structuralism and Literary Deconstruction where communication is shown to be not as concrete as some authors may intend as perceptions of words vary from person to person. Also, your imagery of "Trains and Stations" is an interesting one, especially when coupled with your question about the moving train. I suspect there is no "one right answer" to the question and it is a fun one to think about. One way to look at it, if it is truly "better" that the train be moving (I suppose the contrary could be argued by some), is that by virtue of entropy nothing in this universe is static, everything is in motion. To be at the station, seemingly immobile, may be seen as contrary to our nature, however, other than the one final station in our physical lives, all other stations could be seen as temporary and merely places where we prepare for a shift in direction and speed. Overall, for me the motion of the train is life with its passing of time relating to forward momentum, the tracks could be seen as fate, the train itself could be viewed as the self (as you mentioned may be created in the image of man), and the stations, well that's a tricky one. Perhaps the stations are markers, ways we can perceive the abstract concept of time in relation to space, sort of like the monoliths in Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey". Perhaps we need the stations to see time, lending understanding to our progress through life. I never really thought about it before, thanks for the spark!

As for areas of improvement, there are a few grammatical errors. For instance, "sole" in line three might be replaced with "soul". The use of the words "trucks" when associated with trains made me pause as I expected the word "cars" as in railway cars. Another round of minor edits could really tighten this piece up.

I truly appreciate your choice of imagery and playful approach to your subject; this is very well done. If you would like me to clarify anything in this review, please feel free to ask me. And if you find my review helpful and do find yourself at the editing table, I'd be happy to read it again, it really is a fun read.

Thanks for sharing, Bees!

BAZ
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Review of A Great Invention  
Review by Wilder
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Stuart, my name is Pasha and I just read “A Great Invention”.

If I were to describe this story using only one word, it would be “fantastic”. Let me explain what I mean: By virtue of clarity and direction, the narrator’s voice is shown to be very reliable which makes the entire piece very believable. From such belief, a reader’s interest can be thoroughly entertained, as mine was. In addition, the ironic end offered me a bitter-sweet giggle which leads to my only real question of the entire story: Why is it not titled something like “Phrrus” or “Phyrrus not Papyrus” or “The Paper Truth”?

At the beginning of the story, I was thinking of the Epic of Gilgamesh and then found myself walking in the sandals of Socrates; what an amazing journey that was. Then I began to wonder why I was not hearing the voice of Phyrrus, but it becomes clear his silence, in regards to the ending, is a necessary part of the story’s structure; this is very well done.

The wonderful way this story unfolds provides us (the readers) chances of real discovery, of times we can say “ah-ha!” For example, at first I thought the name Phyrrus was simply a great name for the character, but once his name, the reeds, and the inventions at the dawn of written language are combined, Phyrrus becomes an extraordinary name as it so clearly becomes Papyrus; this is a wonderful aspect of the story.

As for any suggestions for change, I can only think of very few. I believe there may be a spelling issue in the line “sometimes resulting in incomprehension and often ridicule by his contempories” Should it read “…contemporaries”? Also, as I’ve already stated, perhaps the title could reflect what our hero had wished for, or perhaps it’s best left at the result, a great invention. I’m really reaching for some suggestions for you, but the story is so wonderful very few things come to mind.

Well, Stuart, I truly hope my feedback is helpful (though I offered so few suggestions for change). If I can clarify anything I’ve offered, please do not hesitate to ask. It has been a real pleasure reading your work and l look forward to future opportunities.

Write on! Pasha


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of In the Dark  
Review by Wilder
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, RDLer, ‘tis I, Pasha.

I just read and thoroughly enjoyed “In the Dark”. I found the overall theme of “balance” (by the witness of binaries like black and white, something and nothing, sensing and not-sensing) weaving through this existential verse to be not only surprising, but refreshing. Also, one of my favorite parts of the piece is the idea of dependent senses: I've tried to hear them/But no sound exist without the light/I've tried to feel them/But without the light we all become the black. These lines particularly underscore the complexity of perception and lead nicely to the final lines of determination with the statements of “I will…”

I know part of the reviewing process is to give suggestions for improvement, but to offer such suggestions to a poet almost seems impossible, if not just plain wrong. So the best I can do is this: In consideration of my previous comments, any sort of editing or re-telling (if any) that you feel like contributing, I suspect would also be very interesting to experience.

It is very thought provoking indeed, RDLer. Thanks for sharing.
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