hadn't read this one yet, I'm glad I did . nIce twist at the end! This oen had my heart going. I felt sorry for Bobby. He tired so hard and no one seemed appreciative. They were more patronizing. I lvoe the end. Mary loved that blanket and Bobby for his efforts. This was great.
Yikes, Max. You had me going there a bit--I was imagining all the horror stories I'heard in the news lately aobut children locked in closets and stuff by their parents--but then with the focus you put on the moon I started to wonder and at the end, the clincher. Werewolf! Great piece here. A couple of errors but nothing major. Typos, I think. More in the forum, but wow. this one had me going!
Hmm, interesting. Psychic dreams, visions, precogniton? Makes the reader want to know more. who is this woman and waht is happening to her. And who is the guy, the one who mesmerizes her so much yet she has never met? these are the kinds of questions the prologue should make the reader ask so they'll pick up the book and read it.
I did notice though that you use a lot of passive voice sentences. Instead of showing us what she feels, you tell us. Seomtimes that works well in a prologue but when you take us into the dream, it shoudl be happening to ehr rather than jsut being told she feels this way. And you switched pov's. I think I know why but it was a little ocnfusing and jarring to go form one to the otehr like that.But, isnce you are linking them mentally and emotionally, a pov switch like that can work as long as the reader knows that's waht's happening. lIke a breif mention of her mind merging with his, or some such. *grins* I had a devil of a time with that mindmerge thing while writing a love scene in Psychic Reunion. If you're curious, it's in chaper twelve--in fact I htink Hawk said it was a clever way to get around headhopping.
No grammar errors or typos that I found. Your copy is clean and free if distracting mistakes. I think you've got a good start here and with a little work, it would be a terrific eyecatching opening. If you ahve any questions or would like to go over details, let me know.
This is a solid opening. YOu ahve Jenna, jsut graduated high school and starting the adult phase of her life. Kind of like an opening to ehr futrue as well as your story. I didn't notice any grammatical errors but you do have a lot of passive voice here. I'll try to site soem examples in the forum review, especially in your descriptions, which are very detailed and terrific. You're good at that. I see a possible romance here between Noah and Jenna and can't wait to see what happens--will this last or will the Larkin Ranch play a part in soemthing? Since it is the title, I assume there will be a big deal with it.
More later.
Ooh, this opens all kinds of itneresting possibilites. If you have a story or even a short in mind for it, I'd say go for it. Just with what you ahve ehre, I see the possibilities that her father did at one time see another woman, father a child, and of coruse, soemwhere, you ahve to ahve a hunky guy--maybe he's the boys uncle or something. That gives Elizabeth soem pwoerful feeligns to deal with other than her grief over her father's passing. There's room for all kinds of things here. And who was the woman who looked at ehr with recognition--besides maybe someone her father knew--why would she recognize Elizabeth? Waht did her father doe of? How did her mother die? All kinds of things coem to mind. you could definitely make this a longer story. Go for it.
I'll do a detailed review in the forum but I just wanted to say that you got my atention with this one. There is a lot of background info in ehre, well presented, and it's quite clear that the attractiojn between Megan and Corey is not going to let up--in fact, it's going to get hotter, more intense until they do soemthing about it.
Me definitly likes and will read more. Anyway, I do like the way you mix Georgia's sudden dissatisfaction with her life and her impending marriage with a nromal routien evening. And what man in his right mind would walk away from a woman deliberately trying to seduce him? My hubby would have said--let them wait-- and ripped the towel away. Matt seems to be stuffed shirt. Georgia wants a little spontaneous excitement. The scene with the parked car next to them at the light said it all. She wnats more than she has and isn't sure now that she wants what she has. Something is missing. Will she find it? Great opening. I'm reading more until I run out of the chapters you have posted.
Interesting and just wierd enough to really catch my interest. Actually, it could jsut about be a prologue to a longer novel if you were so inclined. A real Hollywood scandal story. But the detail was great. I've had bosses that were close to that but not quite that bad. And you described Susan's shock that her boyfriend was the murderer very well. And he had no regrets or even an inkling that he had actually commited a crime. Perfect psychopathic behavior. Great detail.
Boy, if I had days like Alex's, I might consider shooting myself. Oh, I already have days like that. Anyway, how does she stand it? No wonder she went to a shrink. Too bad she found out that shrinks can be more trouble than they're worth. Do they really fix anything or just collect moeny? Just kidding. I know there are good therapists out there. Anyway, these first three chapters gave a great glimpse into the routine of Alex's life. She's frustrated and dissatisfied but doesn't know how to fix things. Is she really in love with her husband or simply trying to convince herself? What is she going to do to change the things that frustrate her? How is she going to change things? And what will be the catalyst that really gets her going? these first three chapters really opened up with questions the reader will want to answer. Good job. I'd like to read more.
I like it! A lot of background information in dialogue and in personal thoughts, the kind of background that makes the reader interested in the character and how she gets along. I wonder, even though I know what little was said, part of Roger's background, what Deborah will do when she hears the rest, when everything is put together for ehr in her mind. And of ocurse, the sparks between her and Kyle are going to fly! It'll be fun to see how these to get it together--especially with different professions in different places. And when a man can confuse a confident, professional woman, there are bound to be ramifications. I hope she confuses him at soem point as well. Good job setting the stage and the characters for this story. I look forward to reading more.And will have more reviews in the forum.
Is this, then, possession? Or is this how it feels to go insane? This was really goood, like a great twilight zone episode. Great description of a 'random' killing spree. This demon, for lack of a better word, thrives on blood, guts, and violence, then leaves teh one it uses either dead or in a great deal of trouble. Very descriptive of feelings and bizarre emotions, the negative emotions we all have brought to roaring life. Do we all have this in us? How is it controlled? A very thought-provoking piece while scaring the daylights out of us. If it can happen to a kid, it can happen to anyone. I love the end, leaving us wondering if DAniel is next.
Ooh, this really got my attention, as prologues are supposed to do. Can't waiat to read more. Description is excellent and so is you initial seeting of the characters. You nailed them as children and I can see where they might go from here. Only noticed one thing grammatical: Most knives are driven into the flesh rather than "drew" that usually means pulling it out. It might read better if she 'drove' it into her flesh.
Otherwise, excellent beginning. Sets the stage for so many questions to leave the reader wondering. Great job!
I wouldn't change a thing.This was really great. One of the few five stars I've given to anyone. It's eerie, terrifying, and completely captured my attention just to see what would happed to Robert--apparently a paid assassin or hitman. Anyway, it got my attention. What is he going to do next? You could almost make a series of it if you could keep further pieces as atten-grabbing as this was.
This is pretty good. You captured a very real slice of a futuristic earth. I could see and hear and feel this city and the misery of those who live there as well as the hope of those who might change it. It is a very vivid detailed description. Is there more? This would make a great series of sci-fi novels if you are so inclined. I thoroughly enjoyed it but you might divide your paragraohs a little more to make it easier to read. Great job!
This really made me chuckle! . I feel like that everytime I get on this sight. It's me all day and half the night--or is it all night and half the day? Can't remember anymore. My husband is beginning to despair of ever getting a home cooked meal again. *grin*
Great work!
Pat
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Anyway, I do like the way you mix Georgia's sudden dissatisfaction with her life and her impending marriage with a nromal routien evening. And what man in his right mind would walk away from a woman deliberately trying to seduce him? My hubby would have said--let them wait-- and ripped the towel away. Matt seems to be stuffed shirt. Georgia wants a little spontaneous excitement. The scene with the parked car next to them at the light said it all. She wnats more than she has and isn't sure now that she wants what she has. Something is missing. Will she find it? Great opening. I'm reading more until I run out of the chapters you have posted.
You captured a very real slice of a futuristic earth. I could see and hear and feel this city and the misery of those who live there as well as the hope of those who might change it. It is a very vivid detailed description. Is there more? This would make a great series of sci-fi novels if you are so inclined.