*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/paulh316
Review Requests: OFF
8 Public Reviews Given
19 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of We, They and Them  
Review by Old Bike
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Interesting logic trail but I lost count of who made whom and who was eating/hunting.
If you added more detail on exactly what was going on that would help make the story line less confusing. Also, if you added more detail on the differences between we/they/them and why everyone seems to end up "Corrupt, evil, violent. Dangerous" But perhaps I got confused about who was doing what again :)
Just my thought...but if you add just a little more glue and color to the characters and story my imagination could fill in some really interesting blanks. It is still entertaining but without a certain amount of detail I'm drawing a blank in big sections of the outline.
You've done some good work with the originality of the plot and use of the we/they/them scheme. Keep it up...and give me some more dots to connect :)
2
2
Review by Old Bike
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sounds like it could be worked into a interesting novel. Or a small piece (the end) as a short story.
You need to decide what to do with it. You basically have a loose outline for a book. So are you going to flesh out major historical events in the eyes of the Keeper? Or cut to the ending but show much more detail to the reader about what is REALLY going on with the aliens.
In either route you could spool up the Keeper's character development and show how he reacts to humanity and to specific humans during the differ eras. Does he change over time. Thirty six K years is a long time and would build up a lot of experiences that could shape his outlook.
The dumping knowledge scheme by the aliens is (at least to me) original. Use it but unless you are shooting for more of a fantasy like story give it some kind of reasonable explanation. IE - how it the knowledge expected to transfer to humans...changes our DNA, downloads to our computer systems, brain virus that expands our capability...or something completely different. I'm sure you'll think of something flesh.
Keep it up. Flesh out this outline or make a short story so I can find out what happened to these aliens :)
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/paulh316