I liked it. You were good at tossing the reader into the story, and the story itself seems like it will be unique and interesting. the general's colloquialism in realistic, and the reporter's reactions and responses were interesting. The twist at the end about brain function was especially interesting, but it confused me a little because I wondered if the nurse who stopped by also knew if the general was brain dead. Still, I enjoyed the little bit of mysticism thrown in with the scientific tone.
The unexplained quote about "papa", was particularly clever as well. It gave the general more depth of character.
Some possible grammar corrections: (I don't know if you wanted to be reviewed on content alone, but if you want grammar suggestions, here you go.)
"How ironic it [was] that the very technology I would be
destined to destroy was the thing [that] saved my life."
'the reporter filled in.' ends with preposition
"I sicked my commanders on her to [throw] her off my real plan."
"We [lost] a lot of men, but it was a necessary sacrifice."
or
"We['d] lose a lot of men, but it was a necessary sacrifice."
"so concerned with the [moral] high ground" if you add e to moral, it becomes a different word meaning a state of psychological well-being and sense of confidence. In this case, moral high ground is more correct than morale high ground.
Just a few for a long piece. Fixing them up may improve the flow a bit. I'll probably be reading more of your book sometime soon.
Very good. My favorite parts are the first two stanzas, last two stanzas have kind of changed in style, and while they are still very good, they were not as uniquely worded as the first two. Personal opinion, overall the poem is great though. Really good questions are posed that many people can relate to.
Great way to throw in the story. I liked how the method of Armageddon was briefly mentioned almost as a side note at the end. The moon reflecting the suns heat was a particularly clever way of causing the end of a world. I also like the record book and the sending it to the nearest star. It does seem like the last act of a dying race that has accepted its fate.
Good work, hope to stumble across more of your work in the future.
As I read this I can see that it is obvious you have some really intense thoughts bouncing around in your head, and I really am interested to know what they are. As is, I fail to fully understand the themes you are trying to express, which makes it difficult for me to empathize and fully appreciate the thoughts.
The next bit is personal opinion and should be taken with a grain of salt as I am not a master of any writing craft. In writing we often know what we are talking about when we write something, but the linkages in our minds that we make with certain words and phrases may not be the same for other people. While poetry more than any writing form is largely for the self, it is still the writer's prerogative to share the evolutions of his thoughts to others. I can see the thoughts forming in your piece, and they seem to be extremely interesting and relevant. I just need a little more description of process to fully grasp them. Perhaps this is my own limitation, and not the piece's, which is highly possible.
Still, the potential in this piece is there, ready to be unleashed. I look forward to seeing future works.
-Argus
Also, here 1000 gift points to get you started on the site. You can add them to your works when editing them and it will encourage more reviews.
I wish I knew enough about Schopenhauer to fully appreciate your poem. Stylistically, the choice of tabs to slow the reading process is interesting and unique. I haven't seen that done on this site at least. Grammar is good and I can't judge the content which I don't fully understand. It retains a lyrical quality, which is always good with poetry.
Really good style and choice in perspective. Effectively heart wrenching and in general a very solid poem. Inspired considerable sympathy. By the line where he says "you have my mother's face", I would have given him my wallet, and I'm a short stocky man who hopefully looks nothing like anyone's mother.
Some suggestions: These are really personal opinions, as if I was re-editing my own piece (I am at times notorious for over-editing if there is such a thing). Please, consider them with the knowledge that I am by no means a master of any writing craft.
Stylistically, the poem could be even more endearing if you used the occasional childish grammar or pronunciation. For example, something like "My mom told me not to beg" could be changed to "Moma told me not ta' beg". Sometimes perfect spelling is not ideal, though it can at time rub raw with us enthusiastic writers and grammarians.
I saw a beginning of this process already starting with word usage like "so" and "ma'am" which are characteristic of child dialogue. I also realize that the strict line requirements can significantly reduce a writers word arsenal. Still, I found that one can usually figure out a way to say something well within syllabic requirements if one spends enough time attacking in from multiple angles.
This next suggestion is extremely personalized, I'd value it at half the value of my previous 2 cents, but if you like it, all the better. I personally would write the second line as "So I might buy some bread" instead of "So that I buy some bread". I find that in short syllabic sentences, words like that and than do not contribute much to the poem and are ultimately expendable.
Once again, my personal opinions, take them as you will. Your piece is good without any changes, but as with all works, it can always be improved. Whether or not my suggestions improve it is up to you.
Good work, unique perspective, effective empathy, noticeable style, no seen grammar mistakes. Good job, you have a future in this.
A plea for peace is an honorable use of a writer's skill. Many times, humankind needs coaxing if it is to perform any altruistic actions.
The choice in rhyming style is interesting, it kind of changes and evolves with each verse.
The only grammatical think I noticed was in the line "when all wars decease". Technically, this makes sense, but decease more implies the death and rotting away of a body. Will cease, on the other hand, means stop completely. You might of intended the first definition, but honestly, will cease makes a little more sense. Thats a personal stylistic opinion, so please discount it if you disagree.
Otherwise, good poem. Keep on writing. Maybe one day you can write something that will cause the world to listen and become a significantly better and less violent place. That's always a noble dream to pursue.
Wow, got to say, that was a real emotional roller coaster; going from a melancholy nastalgia, to an indignant and saddening injustice, to a priceless and cherished moment. Wow.
Really spot on with the pathos and theme here. The twist at the end was also very cleverly introduced. Keep up the good work.
Really good choice in plot, with very effective writing when describing the shame the boys felt. I especially liked the description of the pigeon coop as a fortress. That was a good bit of imagery.
Here's a few grammatical errors I noticed, mostly small stuff with punctuation. I put brackets on the corrections.
“How long it stood there[,] I didn’t know …”
“Roust” should be [roost]
“Some of them were called homers[;] they could be taken far away[,] let go[,] and they would come back home.”
Otherwise, really solid story. Good work and good luck
This is the first five star rating I have given out of 32 reviews. Based on the quality of this work, I suspect you have already been published multiple items. If not, I strongly suggest you attempt to do so. Throughout the piece I looked for faults and could only spot one or two minor instances where fluidity was interrupted. These, however, were so small they hardly bear worth mentioning.
Fantastic job at keeping the story moving and providing great attention to detail. If this is indeed a fictional account, you have an incredible ability to inspire the feeling of authenticity. That is a trait I envy.
You raise some good points, but similar appeals have been made and ignored before. Many speculate that mankind's insatiable nature is the primary contributer to our evolved state of mind. If so, human existence is very ironic. Because we cannot be satiated, we cannot stop adapting the earth to help us survive and live easier lives. Because we cannot stop adapting the earth, key natural cycles that preserve all life are starting to fail. Because they are starting to fail, we risk extinction. Its rather paradoxical.
The only hope, I suppose, is to promote understanding within our society and try to make mankind interact with the world in a more long term sustaining way. Your article contributes to this increased understanding. The question is, will humankind be adaptable enough to counteract its own self-destructive nature?
Very interesting plot, I see a core theme about the nature of sin emerging. I especially enjoy the almost bureaucratic description of hades. It could provide a new look at the concept of hell.
Suggestions, I only have a few. Style is very evident, and grammar seems to be good. One thing I noticed was that you really incorporated a lot of adjectives in the first two paragraphs. I think you were going for imagery, but it came accross as bulky and a little awkward.
For example "twisted, spiked, demonic amalgam scimitar". As a general rule of thumb, I try to avoid the use of more than two adjectives in immediate succession when describing an object.
Despite the widespread belief to the contrary, a large amount of adjectives rarely serve to create imagery. Verbs, are much more effective, especially if you sneak in a few adjectives here and there.
Take for example, "the twisted form of the demon's scimitar clashed loudly against the angel's sword; its amalgam steel untarnished from the impact.
By breaking up the adjectives, incorporating an adverb or two, and using visual verbs, you can decrease the wordyness of a sentence and contribute to the imagery.
As this is a personal stylistic suggestion, feel free to discount it. Otherwise, great job. I hope you will continue wit this story and polish it into a published piece.
Great story, solid plot, original perspective. It was really entertaining to read.
I only have two suggestions. First, several of your sentences have additions to them that are not absolutely neccessary, which causes them to be a little bulky.
For example, "He had gotten back just in time to see them being taken away in the giant, loud, metal monster that they Loud Ones used for transportation, of both themselves and his friends."
The addition of the preposition statement "of both themselves and his friends" does contribute to the meaning, but you have already mentioned several times about how the "takers" take away his friends. I would therefore suggest you simplify the sentence a little, in order to increase fluidity.
The second suggestion I have is to somehow make Starick's transition to empathizing with the man a little more conflicted. He seems to change his perceptions of his long time enemy a little too quickly.
Both of these are personal stylistic suggestions, so they may not appeal to your writing style. I hope, however, that they can be of some use.
Very clever plot. It took me until the third paragraph before I suspected it might be a hospital. Great content. It shows you gave this considerable thought.
A few things I noticed:
In the first paragraph you use the word room 3 times in close proximity. Try to find a synonym or different descriptor for one of them to reduce redundancy.
Nonetheless doesn't need hyphens. Its a word on its own
"Have me hooked up" should be "has me hooked up" since you used the term "the enemy" which is singular
Last of all, your mothers dialogue sounds a little too calm and articulate for a mother who has just gone through days of her son's fevered hallucinations. "grueling" for example, is a word rarely said but often written. One of the most difficult problems for a writer is distinctly establishing the author's tone from the dialogue. To do this, you may have to consider what a worried mother would sound like in a stressful situation like this.
Otherwise, great short story. Very clever, I enjoyed the read. I hope my suggestions are not mistaken as an indication that I didn't like the piece. On the contrary, this story displays a rare form of creativity. Keep at it!
Alright, I've read about half of it so far, and have come to a few conclusions. First of all, let me say that I really like the plot of the story. I think you've got a really good start here and you should develope it into a well polished piece. I especially liked the description of what I am assuming to be a farm of some sort. The confusion of the fox was well written. Also, I liked how articulate and distinct your feline character is, and how she warned the fox about how humans add skin to their own skin. Another strong suit you possess is that you do not spell out every little detail, and therefore force the readers to think for themselves in order to understand what is happening.
As far as grammar and fluidity, I have some suggestions. Your words are in quotations, while my corrections are in brackets.
“So you [‘ve] finally met those creatures, have you fox[?]”
“May I infer [as to] what those things were?”
The feline[‘]s ears
“out of sight of the fox” would flow better as [out of the fox’s sight]
“where the aroma from before had come from” uses "from" twice in close proximity and ends in a preposition. A possible alternative would be [from whence the earlier aroma had originated].
Some other suggestions are on word usage. The first line's "leaves its home to a" sounds a little awkward. I think this is because you are applying personification (the human verb action of leaving) to the land, and that the land has not actually left but remains there. A substitute for this would be a word like [hosts]. Similarly, later on in your piece you write "the land gave its space". I understand what you mean, but it still sounds a little strange.
On a stylistic note, you should also try to avoid repeating the start of a sentence frequently. For example, "The fox" starts many of your sentences. Although he is your main character, you have to almost trick the reader so that things don't seem repetative. You can do this by rearranging the sentences from "the fox sniffs the air..." to [Sniffing the air, the fox...]. This just keeps the story fresh and fluid.
Otherwise, what I have read so far seems pretty good. I really like the content, and between perfect grammar and substantive content, I will always prefer the latter.
If you want me to give edits to the second half of your story, just shoot me an e-mail saying so.
Well rhymed, with a clear and uncluttered style. I really like the repitition of the name and the frequent references to the biblical Mary. The last four lines of this poem I found to be especially well written.
Very strong theme. I enjoy this type of poetry mainly because it is a form of meditation in itself. By this I mean that it seems you reached a conclusion during the process of writing the poem. This can be a useful way to ensure an authentic tone throughout.
Furthermore, I really enjoyed the darkened tunnel versus the now light tunnel. Not only does it reference the cliche of "the light at the end of the tunnel", but it also seems to make a firm argument to the idea of reality being in the eye of the beholder. As for the blind woman selling apples, I found that to be a moving catalyst towards a changed perception of life.
I am really conflicted when I read this poem. On one hand you mention some very good and very astute points about the negative aspects of American political culture. Agreed, we are very polarized to a dangerous level. Conservatives and Liberals are forsaking their logic and civic duties by focusing so primarily on the ideological parties. Similarly, this fighting between parties is not conducive to proper policy making and legislation.
On the other hand, you mention multiple unproven statements such as 9/11 being conceived and constructed by the Bush administration etc. By using this theory in your poem without a shred of valid proof (unless you have some valid proof that I have been unable to find), you somewhat undermine you're argument. Furthermore, by taking such a radical stance you are in fact polarizing your own political opinions, a mistake just like the the neo-democrats and neo-republicans.
From an emotional standpoint, yes, the more extreme usually equals the more effective. However, I implore you to validate the wilder bits of you're claims, otherwise you risk to undermine all of the good, well founded arguments you possess.
From a stylistic standpoint, if the last stanza was indeed taken from direct quotes, damn impressive man. That is some very powerful, and influential stuff. I would really suggest a focus on that, because it is all rooted in incontrovertible fact and will most definitely appeal to a wider audience base.
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