I would like to begin by saying that I very much enjoyed this piece. I have a bit of an obsession with water metaphors, drowning and the like, and this definitely hit the spot for me. I love the introspective nature of this work, how effortlessly you pick apart the emotion, laying out the pain, the torment that the narrator feels.
Personally, I was surprised by the sudden hopeful turn at the end- which is a good thing. Considering the tone throughout, it was a drastic shift.
I did feel that your use of detail could have been more evenly dispersed. It seemed to come in bursts, where one moment it was rich with detail, and it next it was lacking. Of course, that's just my opinion.
Thank you very much for sharing this piece.
Hi, and thank you for sharing. I found your piece, and I must say it is chock full of emotion, which is something I always appreciate in a poem. I enjoyed the read.
I felt that your vocabulary could have been a little more intricate, and doing so would, in my opinion, enrich your poem. I also felt that it lacked flow at some points, where you seemed to struggle to make sure that you kept to your strictly set syllabic count, and while structure is always good, diverging from it can sometimes help with how a poem moves.
Thank you again for sharing. Keep writing!
Phillipv
Having read your poem, I have a few pointers. First, I feel as if your rhyme, at some points, is a little forced, and predictable. To me, this piece doesn't need to rhyme, so where it does, it depreciates from the flow of the general work, making it sound a bit choppy. Second, your punctuation could use some work. It would have a much better flow, if you were to adjust comma placement. Also, the exclamation point at the end seemed to change the poems tone, making it go from a statement of sorts, to more of a declaration. Finally, in line 22 "given" would be the proper conjugation of to give.
I truly hope that I in no way discourage you- you have much potential, and with just a little fine tuning, your poem would greatly improve. Thank-you for allowing me to read and review your piece. Good luck in all of your writing endeavors! Write on!
Phillipv
This is a very good, very heartfelt poem. Your flow was wonderful, as was your use of slant rhyme. I enjoyed the content and the structure of your piece. It was creative, well written, and purposeful. Good work-
You're writing is decent, you have a talent for description and generally you're a good story teller. I do, however, gave two critiques. First, your pace us too quick. There needs to be more small content, a more subtle shift as Rowland reveals himself as a vampire, not a sudden shift from casual conversation to homicidal hunger. Perhaps have Sarah notice changes in him, odd ticks that weren't there before. Second, there are a few clichetes that I noticed, such as the vampires crimson eyes. Make the creature your own- it's your story, take liberties to make something new, something different. Good work, and welcome to the sight!
This was a decent poem, and while short, it flowed exceptionally well. Your message was good, and despite the fact that it is an idea that has many times been addressed I enjoyed your take on it. It is something that many people experience, this feeling of distance despite physical proximity. Thank you for your time and effort.
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