*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/phoenixnoelle
Review Requests: OFF
107 Public Reviews Given
159 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Phoenix
In affiliation with Advanced Newbies/Mentors/ Revi...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear warriormom,

I am reviewing "Honest to Goodness"  as a student for the Rockin Gift Station.

*Reading*Synopsis:

A short story about a ten-year old girl named Pat. She is sent on an errand for her mother and discovers how easily a lie can be used to maintain reputation in the short term, but how damaging it can be in the long term.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*First Impression:

I chose to review this piece because of the fact that it won second place in a writing contest. This week, in my reviewing class, we are focusing on honesty in our reviews. I assumed it would be difficult to honestly critique an award-winning piece, and I was right! This story is very well written. I can see why you won.

Unlike most stories I've read recently, your story flowed very well from beginning to end. Especially as a reviewer, I tend to find myself struggling to press on while reading something not particularly engaging. In your case, I had to slow myself down as I kept trying to skip ahead and find out what happens next. I enjoyed that very much, but this may be my first critique of the piece. The story was great and pulled me through. However, perhaps there is too much extra description if the reader is bucking at the reigns, so to speak.

Having said that, I am going to completely disagree with myself. Having been pulled through the story quickly and expertly, I found myself disappointed with how quickly it ended. Sure, I skipped a few words and sentences in my rush to find out what she was going to do when she got home. Then there were only three paragraphs left explaining the consequences of the lie and the lesson learned? I'd like to see this last part of the story expanded, even if just a small bit. This is where the message is, so maybe a little more focus here and less in the beginning?

Beyond content, your writing style shows a remarkable skill in maintaining the voice and feel of a ten-year old girl. I don't know anything about YOU, except that you are likely a mother by your account name, but you show an excellent ability to understand and (perhaps) mimic the mindset of a young child. (If you ARE a 10-year old girl, you are an AMAZING writer for so young.) The point I'd like to bring your focus to is the mechanics and style of your writing this piece. Sometimes the choice of italics, non-standard punctuation, and paragraph layout causes slight hiccups in the flow. While not enough to really slow down the reader, it's an area that could be improved.

*Pencil*Comments/Suggestions:

I would recommend paring down on a few scenes so as not to slow your story down with too much description.
-Specifically I would suggest removing or minimizing the part where Pat's brother taunts her on the way to the kitchen. Simply include a small amount of Pat's internal monologue to say, 'Uh-oh, I wonder what she thinks I did wrong?.
-The description of driving the car to the store is a great way to build tension as your readers connect with Pat's emotion. I would cut down a bit on Dad's role, though. The two of them leaving the car and Dad's supposed impatience didn't seem to add anything significant to the plot.
-For a few minutes, I thought I would suggest cutting the part where she avoids the butcher and flour bag dresses...but it adds to the innocence of the story and Pat's character. This is actually an important and well-written part. My suggestion, DON'T CUT THIS PART! *Laughs*

Try reading the piece out loud, sometime. Better yet, ask a friend to do so. Because of the way you use italics and punctuation it can be difficult to figure out exactly what context each line should be in. Some specific types of things to look at,
-When exactly do you want to use italics? Most of the time you italicize her inner thoughts when they are part of the story, but not if they are part of the narrative. (ex. '—well, not the kind I longed for anyway.' is not italicized, while 'What? No whistles sounded; no balloons launched? not even a hint of praise uttered?' is. Both feel like part of the narrative.)
-I would suggest considering a more diverse set of ways to separate the different forms of her thoughts. Maybe separate them into separate paragraphs, or putting single quotes around them when she is talking to herself, and not to the reader or her mother.
-In other places you use italics to emphasize certain words. (ex. She trusted me. She believed I was responsible.) This is a perfect example of a situation where your multi-purpose use of italics gives a little confusion. First, it was used to emphasize 'TRUSTED', but a single word later used to set apart inner monologue...which the first sentence was inner monologue, just not italicized. Again, a minor hiccup, but there none-the-less. In that case, I would suggest italicizing the entire thing, and separating 'TRUSTED' by some other means. (ex. She TRUSTED me. She believed I was responsible. or She -trusted- me. She believed I was responsible.)


*Apple*Grammar/Punctuation:

I had trouble paying attention to your grammar and punctuation because the story kept pulling me forward, but I was able to find a couple small mistakes.

In the second paragraph, during Pat's internal monologue, she says, 'not even a hint of praise uttered?' This should be capitalized.

Commas are the bane of my existence. I've never been able to find good rules for their use other than, 'When in doubt leave it out'. In the fourth paragraph you say, 'Predictably, my brother, Bud, taunted me, "Well, Little Miss Goody Two-Shoes, what did ya' do?...' I can't tell you exactly what commas to keep and what to lose, but I KNOW there are far too many in there.

*Idea*Closing Thoughts:

A great story! I don't usually rate stories higher than a 4.0, but this one is so near perfection (in my opinion) that you deserve it. I have a lot ideas for you to consider, but the story is already well-written. If you have time, another look and edit could improve the piece. I am torn, though. Do I want to see this story perfected, or have you spend your time writing new and interesting tales? You're a great writer, and need to keep doing what you're doing!

Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity. - G. K. Chesterton
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
2
2
Review of The Diner  
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h ,

I am reviewing "The Diner"  as a student for the Rockin Gift Station.

*Reading*Synopsis:

This is a short story about the boldness of a woman in love, and the shyness of a man in the same position.

*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*First Impression:

I enjoyed reading your piece! My first impression was of disappointment, though. I was disappointed that it was so short! The piece stands quite well on its own as a short example of what Victor Hugo was talking about, but I feel that it could be so much more. As a short story, the characters felt static and overall tale was predictable. If you have the time to add to it, this piece could become a good starting point/scene for a longer novella or better! I know you mentioned wanting to expand on this story, so I'll focus my review around that.

I gave this piece three and a half stars because it currently does not contain anything that makes it stand out from a number of other 'Good quote, nice story' pieces. The extra half-star comes from the fact that I could find essentially no problems with grammar, punctuation, spelling, or flow of the story. This tells me that you have the skills of an experienced writer, which gives you the opportunity to use this piece as a starting point for a great story!

*Pencil*Comments/Suggestions:

As hard as it might be, I think you need to focus on adding background to your main characters. Whether or not you show it in the story itself is one thing, but HAVING that background will help you guide your characters through an in-depth plotline. At this point I see two main characters (Him and Her) which you haven't named, as far as I can tell. Possible secondary characters consist of the cook and the 'incoming waitresses'. Build a character bio for each of these. Give them goals, aspirations, and challenges. This doesn't have to be anything too detailed, just let the creative juices out. Maybe you'll figure out less about the characters and more about the world they live in. Put your pen to the paper and simply see how the ink spreads! See if an inspiration strikes! Even if not, the background work will pay off when you do figure out what you want to do with the story.

While you are working on the character backgrounds, jot down a few notes on the side for the world they live in. Currently, it certainly feels like a modern world, do you want to stick with that? The main details can be altered pretty easy to put your characters in any setting you like. The diner could easily become an old medieval tavern or a futuristic space-bar. Work out from there, what kind of city, country, or world do they live in?

An area where I think you might have a gift is subtle description. My favorite line in the story is, ...the diner filled and emptied with circadian rhythm. That is a perfect description! Descriptions like that add a depth to the story and still leave much of the detail up to the reader, a very important feature in my opinion. If you've decided on more world and character details, I don't think it would be difficult for you to add more depth to your story simply by sprinkling these subtle descriptors into the story.

With all that done, in whole or in part, I think all you'd have to do then is pick a good plot! You're primed for a trigger and let your characters go. See where they lead you.

*Apple*Grammar/Punctuation:

Like I said earlier, there wasn't much issue I could find with grammar or punctuation. The ONLY part that needs another look is the line, '...lost in the some obscenely never ending moment. The article 'the' throws me off. I get the gist of the sentence, but obviously something's not quite right.

*Idea*Closing Thoughts:

This is literally the stuff dreams are made of. *Chuckles* With a little inspiration you should be able to quickly jump into expanding this short story into a good novella. Most short stories would need a little rewrite to help the overall flow, but this piece is ready to grow. A few short brain-storming exercises and you're there!

I'd like to see where this leads, if you decide to expand it. Please, let me know so I can take another read!

Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity. - G. K. Chesterton
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Review of You Are the One  
Review by Phoenix
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Synopsis:

An acrostic poem written to and about God and Jesus as savior.

The poem appears to be written closely to iambic pentameter, with each line having two verses apiece. This is done to maintain the Titular Acrostic form.

Reaction:

The first thing I noticed was the acrostic. I like the fact that the acrostic works perfectly using only three letter words. This is a great foundation for balance and rhythm.

Reading through the piece the first time, I didn't notice any glaring problems. A few of the rhymes seemed, while certainly good enough, not exactly perfect (see comment 1).

It wasn't until the second and third time through the poem that I started to notice a VERY slight issue with the meter and rhythm, like you mentioned. Your meter feels very iambic which, combined with lines that have uneven numbers of syllables, may be the cause of the problem (see comment 2)

You certainly piqued my artistic interest, and I have one idea that I'd like you to consider (see suggestion 4).

Overall, the poem was pleasant to read and provided a good moment of reflection on Sunday. Feel free to come back with responses and/or more questions. If you edit the piece, I'd love to take another look!

Good job and Write on!

Comments:

1)Rhymes are good, a little off in some cases.
-First line: Name-Again

-Fourth Line: Kind-Time
-Fifth Line: Unclean-Me

-Seventh Line: Suffice-High

-Tenth Line: Goal-Gold (See Suggestion 1)

2)The syllables, as I read the are: (See Suggestion 2)
-1st Line: 9-11
-2nd Line: 8-10
-3rd Line: 8-11

-4th Line: 8-10
-5th Line: 8-10
-6th Line: 8-10 (See Suggestion 3)

-7th Line: 8-11
-8th Line: 7-11
-9th Line: 8-9 (See Suggestion 3)

-10th Line: 8-10
-11th Line: 9-10 (See Suggestion 3)
-12th Line: 8-9

Suggestions:

1)To make the rhyme feel more natural, I would consider starting the word after goal (the in this case) with the 'Dee' sound.
ex. Onward I'll press, heaven my goal, divine are the streets all paved with gold.

2)I didn't do an iambic analysis of the poem, but I would suggest one. See if there are any specific points where your poem doesn't exactly follow the pattern. That may clean up the rhythm, it may not. Please, let me know!

3)I found three possibilities with line nine where the first verse in the line could end with either who, falls or down. I would suggest using some method of showing the distinction between the two verses. (You use a comma in all but lines 6, 9, and 11.)

4)On the sixth line, see if there is a more poetic way to connect listens/learns with hungers/yearns. Are there any other words that maintain your message while connecting on a deeper level? Perhaps replace listens with 'hears'? That gives you a sub-verse rhyme between ear and hear as well as alliteration with heart and hungers. Perhaps go for a deeper meaning instead of mechanics? The line is great as it is, perhaps the best line in the poem for it's potential to be greater. I'd love to see you do something with it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.
4
4
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Synopsis:

A quick, weekly contest with a Merit Badge and GPs as the rewards. Accepting poetry, and short prose.

There need to be more of these! *Laughs*

Reaction:

And, yes...here is another example of Sherri giving her time and effort to WDC. The prompts look good, the rounds judged well and in a timely manner. This looks to be a good contest to keep an eye on!

Thanks for running this, Sherri!

Comments:
1) The only comment I would have...the gratitude list to the donors is rather cumbersome. I doubt there are many who would take the time to read through it, or follow many of the links to your supporters. Perhaps highlighting a specific donor, above the others would help clean this up. Maybe highlight a new one each week...or the most recent one...or the most generous one...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.
5
5
Review of TRUST IS A MUST  
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Synopsis:

As the description, this is a regretful poem where the author explains the importance of trusting others, as well as having their trust.

Written in a single block of ten full lines, with some of these separated into two for a total of seventeen lines. The main ten lines follow the rhyming scheme of aabbccddee with relatively simple rhymes. No other mechanical or poetic devices are evident.

Reaction:

A straightforward and simple poem about the importance of trust, yes. I am unsure why you chose to separate your lines where you did, and wonder if it's merely a way to keep the long lines from becoming too unwieldy?

I agree completely with the message of the poem, but found the implementation somewhat disappointing. I would love to see the same message illustrated with more poetic devices. A more complex rhyming scheme, alliteration, or creative spacing would, in my opinion, add to the piece considerably.

If there is one thing I would change about this poem, I would try to arrange it to a rhythm of some kind, something to add momentum to the poem to assist the reader in getting from the beginning to the end.

As I said, a good important message, but could use more mechanically.

Comments:
1) As it is, the block of poetry is rather cumbersome.
2) The rhyme scheme is rather simple.
3) The message seems somewhat hampered by an attempt at packing as much meaning in as few words as possible.

Suggestions:
1) I think some extra white-space would do you some good, perhaps separating the entire piece into five couplets, instead of on single stanza?
2) Skipping around the lines a bit, instead of having the next line always rhyming, or even revisiting the first or second rhyming pair in the last couplet would offer more substance.
3) Expand upon your concepts! Use some imagery! Call upon the other senses to invoke the emotional concepts you're attempting to describe. Don't try to limit yourself to a short poem...you may simply need MORE to convey the depth of the message.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.
6
6
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I don't normally R&R folders of any kind, but I felt that there is an aspect of your portfolio that could use some help, and this folder happened to illustrate fairly well.

I noticed that you have numerous items in your portfolio, dozens I would say. However, there is only one folder to organize your works into easily navigated areas. I would HIGHLY encourage you to make separate folders for your various areas of interest...poetry, prose, fiction, etc.

This makes it much easier for other members to quickly navigate to an area of your work that they find a personal interest in, which directly improves the chances of someone reading and reviewing your work.

Just a friendly suggestion!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.
7
7
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Synopsis:

Written for a SADS (Sudden Adult Death Syndrome) charity, this poem attempts to embody a mother's plea to her own heart to allow her to stay alive and healthy for her children. Written as four stanzas of four lines each, concluded with a couplet. There is no pervasive rhyming scheme, though there are points at which the poem does rhyme.

Reaction:

I did not know of the existence of SADS before I read this piece. I have, of course, heard of the more commonly mentioned SIDS. I am pained, inside, at knowing that there are families who have lost loved ones with the suddenness of SADS. In that respect, this poem has achieved it's purpose. The rhythm of the poem is pretty good, with only a few spots where the beat falters.

I think this piece could use some more poetic aspect, as I don't notice much beyond the basic four-line stanza pattern. I would like to see more alliteration, rhyme, or even simply creative spacing or word imagery. With the theme of the heart, I immediately expected to see the words arranged in the shape of a heart, or sharing some reddish color scheme. I am not recommending anything specific...simply pointing out that I feel there should be more to the poetic side of this piece.

Otherwise, a sad and important concept, well described and illustrated.

Comments:
1) The word 'Envisioning' in the fourth line of the first stanza seems to be too long, rhythmically.

Suggestions:
1) Instead of using semi-colons in many of your lines, I would encourage you to separate the stanzas out further. Occasional couplets, triad stanzas, and creative tabbing can bring a more visually appealing and EMPHASIZING aspect to your poem.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.
8
8
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Synopsis:

Written about a dream, a symbolic vision of the author's need to live outside the normal doldrum of life.

Reaction:

I read this poem because it was linked in the 'Noticing Newbies' newsletter. I am glad to see the author has found her way to WDC and will say that we have gained new talent.

I enjoyed the depth of emotion and intent that was implied in the writing itself. I wasn't able to flow along with the concepts easily, and fear that I was unable to harmonize with the author on this one. Perhaps if I come back after a week or so.

I feel that the mechanics of the poem could be stepped up to match the message behind the words. This piece has potential, and I look forward to seeing how the author grows and matures with her writing.

I offer my heartfelt welcome!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.
9
9
Review by Phoenix
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Absolutely phenomenal! I can't believe that this piece has been given anything but a 5.0. I will admit, I did not look for any grammatical mistakes. I focused entirely on the content of your work, and what content it is!

I have to ask one thing...ten minutes? It took you ten minutes to write this?!? Tell me you wrote it in a word-processor or on paper before typing it up on WDC.

In case you haven't recognized me, I am one of the creators of the Invalid Item  contest. We recently sent out an e-mail regarding the results of last week's competition.

There was a note at the bottom of the e-mail, explaining an unfortunate situation where a piece had been disqualified because it didn't fully match the prompt. The three of us felt it necessary to tell you that your item was that piece. You would have had first place, unanimously. We feel you deserve an explanation.

The prompt for the week specified a beginning and ending line, as well as giving a picture to base the item on. While you used the beginning and ending lines, we could not find any point of your story that included the image. We looked and looked for any scene that would have described the image. We couldn't find one. As much as it pained us, we were forced to disqualify your entry based on that fact.

We want to include this item in our book. We want you to become a part of our group. If this is the quality of work you typically produce, you are a fantastic author. Even if this is nothing more than a fluke, this piece deserves attention.

To THAT end, I am giving you an awardicon. That is my decision, personally, and not as a part of the Sensual Infusion group or the Sensual Moments contest. We want to see you back again, and look forward to enjoying many more sensual moments with you.

PLEASE, WRITE ON!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If you believe this to be a high quality review, show your support by visiting:
*Gift1*
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1261123 by Not Available.
*Gift1*
10
10
Review by Phoenix
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This is definitely an improvement from the last time I saw the item. Having the entire piece in red seems aesthetically awkward, but I am glad you have some color and included the image. I think you could use a banner for the group, focusing around the 'phrase' UEN. That is a good short-hand way of referring to the group.

I'd still like to see some excerpts from a recent issue, or provide access to an old issue. I can understand not offering everyone access to the entire archives, though. Giving a list of what is in each issue is a good start, and will help people make the decision if they want to subscribe or not.

If you'd like, I can take a look at making a basic banner for you guys. That, and I am interested in subscribing to the newsletter itself, if you'll have me.

In summary, the changes you've made certainly show improvement from the 3.0 rating I had to the 4.0 rating I'm giving you now. I can see a few areas for further improvement, but the item is getting better each time I see it.

Write on!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If you believe this to be a high quality review, show your support by visiting:
*Gift1*
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1261123 by Not Available.
*Gift1*
11
11
Review by Phoenix
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The rules of WDC being as they are, this group must exist.

This is, apparently, a successful group, with 116 members and numerous yellow and blue cases. One thing that would lend more legitimacy would be some identification of who is leading the group, and their affiliation with WDC. Is this group led by a black case? Unlikely. Yellow case? Sure. Blue case? THAT would be legit.

Visually, the group page doesn't have much in the way of appealing aesthetics. Links to archived newsletters would be very appreciated, and perhaps some highlights from this/last weeks issue. At this point, other than 'an erotica newsletter', there is nothing to inform a non-member WHAT the group offers. How professional are the newsletters? What type of content is described?

If someone is looking for an erotica newsletter, this would be a good place to go. However, if they went to this page, there is nothing to tell them what they can expect.

This unfortunate fact forces me to reduce my rating. The concept is 5.0. The item itself is not. With some visuals, descriptions, and aesthetics this piece would easily be 5.0. If such changes are made, please let me know and I can improve my rating.

Those are my recommendations.

Write on!

Ohh, and by the way, sign me up!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If you liked this review, please let me know by clicking the link below!
http://www.Writing.Com/main/my_feedback.php?action...

To have an item of yours reviewed click on the wolf above, or drop theoldwolf a line!
12
12
Review of I Remember  
Review by Phoenix
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Synopsis:
This poem is a sensual poem describing the feelings, sights, and pains associated with losing someone you are close to, as well as the recovery.

Reaction:
I can, very easily, relate to the message behind this poem. I have been in a fair share of relationships that ended well, and a few not so well. The lose of someone else inherently includes a loss of a part of you. The moment you can remember who YOU are is the moment recovery can begin.

The biggest thing I would recommend for this piece is some structural editing. As I said, the message is a good one. I like the way that you rhyme within each line, instead of line to line. That's a new approach I hadn't seen in awhile. Keep a VERY close eye on your meter and syllable patterns. The easiest way to do that is to read the poem aloud. If your voice quickly falls into a pattern, you have a good meter...if not, look for where you falter. Maybe adding a syllable or taking a word out will improve the flow. Fixing the structure of the piece would bring this to a 4.0 or 4.5.

Good job! Write on!

Comments:
1) GOOD repetition! Stanza 2, Lines 1&2 and Stanza 4, Lines 1&2.
2) Syllable pattern is choppy.
3) I like the rhyming within a line, instead of between lines.

Suggestions:
1) The use of an ellipses is a powerful tool for visual and verbal art. However, technically an ellipses should only consist of three periods.
2) Stanza 1, Line 1 and Stanza 4, line 5 don't follow rhyming scheme. Recommend separating Stanza 4, line 5 into a new stand-alone line. Also recommend using the same rhyming scheme in Stanza 1, Line 1 as the rest of the poem.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If you liked this review, please let me know by clicking the link below!
http://www.Writing.Com/main/my_feedback.php?action...

To have an item of yours reviewed click on the wolf above, or drop ryosho a line!
13
13
Review of TEARS OF WAR  
Review by Phoenix
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Synopsis:
This poem is written in eight four-line stanzas. The first three lines of each stanza rhyme, with the fourth line floating. They meter can be read as either Iambic or free-flowing, and various parts work better one way or the other.

TEARS OF WAR  describes the events of a war, fought by the foolish young, and the emotional impact this has on someone you'd least expect.

Reaction:
I think this poem has a VERY powerful message hidden within it. I'd like to see a few changes to try to bring the message more to the surface. I can't make specific recommendations on that front. However, seeing as how you are obviously a very talented poet, I have no worries that you won't perfect this piece.

Your description of the setting of the poem is quite clear, and there is no question as to the events that transpire. One area that I feel would improve the emotional reaction to the poem is in the area of imagery. If you can find a way to sneak in some words that make full use of sensory information, you should be able to draw the reader more into the poem.

I mentioned this in the suggestions, but felt I could amplify a little bit. I think your rhyming scheme is creative, and it was very refreshing to me. However, leaving the last line of each stanza isolated felt a bit sub-par for a write of your talent. The first three stanzas have a distinct progression between each of the final lines: Begins->Begun->Sun. Changing tense, and a subtle rhyme really struck me as amazing art. When the subsequent stanzas didn't continue in pattern, I was disappointed. If you can accomplish this connection all the way through the poem, it would be very impressive, indeed.

I also feel as if there were a few lines thrown in there, almost purely as filler. Lines such as A cold wind moves in from the north don't seem to add any nuance to the overall message. Other lines, such as 6-2 & 6-3 don't seem to have the same level of impact as they should.

Overall, a fantastic piece, with even more amazing potential. 4.0 easily! With some refining, I feel this piece is capable of achieving perfection, and an amazing emotional impact.

Write on!

Comments:
1) Three areas where the Rhyming struck me as a little weak. Battlefield->Wield->Feel, Forth->North->Worth & See->Knee->Sees
2) Good alliteration in the First Stanza, second line.
3) Third Stanza, third line - Depending on the pronunciation of the word 'Warriors' gives the line eight or nine syllables. I think eight works better with the syllable structure. I wonder if there is a way to write the word so the reader knows which way to pronounce warriors?
4) Fourth Stanza, second line - See comment 3 for the word Chariot.
5) Fifth Stanza, second line - If you're looking for an Iambic style of read, then this line works well. If you're looking for a smoother flow, I would remove the word 'in'.
6) Again, alliteration works well in the Fifth Stanza, third line.
7) I wonder if the fourth line, in the seventh stanza, can be written to show how BOTH sides finally have rest.

Suggestions:
1) Look for ways to make the last line of each stanza work together in Rhyme.
2) Fourth Stanza, third line - Ten syllables seems like too much, I would rewrite the line to reduce to eight syllables. And no man thinks on what others feel.
4) Final stanza - This stanza has the most awkward Syllable structure, yet the message is the most important. Consider the following:

But one thing most men don't see
The battle's hero on one knee
Aghast at all the death he sees
And crying like a babe.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If you liked this review, please let me know by sending me a few GPs! To have an item of yours reviewed click on the wolf above, or drop ryosho a line!
14
14
Review by Phoenix
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Shouting an indistinct battle-cry, the scarred and salty seaman leapt from the forecastle of his Barquentine. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Synopsis:
This piece tells the story of Kevin, a thirteen year old kid who discovers that he is a Warlock. On the day of his thirteenth birthday Kevin has a violent vision, is attacked by a Warlock hunter, and meets a friend of his father.

Reaction:

This story was slow to get started. There wasn't a very strong hook. In fact, about a third of the way into the story, I began to suspect that you were going to parallel the tale of Harry Potter. However, about halfway through the story, you took a different turn. Your story is fairly typical of the Dark Fantasy/Horror genre, however, this is primarily because your story doesn't include very many details that are unique.

Your story has a lot of potential, and I enjoyed the entire concept of the Emerald Dagger. In general, most stories will include a basic skeleton of literary elements, with the uniqueness and skill of the author shown in the details and specifics OF the story. For example, almost every great story has romance, but each romance has different characters, different nuances, different circumstances, etc. Your story covers many of the major literary elements. Other than the Emerald Dagger, there is very little that is truly unique, that reflects YOUR talents as an author.

These are the things that most people talk about, when they discuss stories. How deep is a character? How well is the plot line developed? How amazing are the events/descriptions? People aren't amazed by things they've seen already...they are amazed by new and unique ideas and concepts. If you can take the standard adventure story and tell it in a way that nobody has seen before...you have something new, something you.

The three biggest areas that I'd like to see you work on, with this piece, are:
-Showing, not Telling
-Use of Pronouns
-Make the story a reflection of YOUR uniqueness as an author.

If you focus on these three areas, I guarantee your story will be 4.0 or better material. Let me know when you have made changes to this piece, I would love to read and review it once again!

Good job, and write on!

Comments:
1) Watch for sentence fragments (3rd Paragraph, esp.)
2) Dialog is good.
3) Material is a bit mature for a main character of thirteen.
4) Overall, the storyline is consistent. As you look closer at individual scenes or events, the flow of information and concepts becomes somewhat erratic.
4) Good twist. I didn't expect your choice in antagonist.

Example (Each concept is given a specific color. You can see how you jump between concepts in these two paragraphs):
Kevin felt dizzy as he slowly crawled out of bed “What do you mean when you saw me?” Kevin looked up at the clock on the wall and it seemed like it was spinning in circles. He could barely read it. It was five minutes till three.

Janice turned around as she held something in her hand “My father passed this down to me like many generations before him. He said I would know what to do with it when the time came. Your face has haunted my dreams for a while now.”


Suggestions:
1) Read your story aloud, as if it were a narration. That can help you identify areas which are awkward or poorly worded.
2) You use a large number of pronouns, many of which are ambiguous references, cleaning up your pronoun usage will considerably improve your writing. If you're not sure how to properly use pronouns, check out the link at the bottom of the review.
3) Be careful that your story doesn't TELL too much. SHOW what happens. This point cannot be emphasized enough.
4) Use something to differentiate between each scene in the story. Make sure you use the same method each time, for consistency.

Outside Links:
Pronouns - http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_p...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied the vows of his forefathers, the leathery, old tar returned to his ship and his crew to seek out the next, great challenge.
15
15
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Synopsis: Written for a contest prompt, this piece was required to use imagery from a picture posted in the contest description. Describing the emotion of love, this poem uses visual imagery to show what true love should be.

Reaction:
I enjoyed reading this piece, and feel that there is some potential for improvement. I liked the repetition you used to start each line. If you could work in a few other literary/poetic tricks, this piece would easily rate a 4.0 or better. The only other area I'd like to see some work put into is the meter.

Comments:
1) Good repetition
2) Very visual

Suggestions:
1) Take a close look at the number of syllables in each line, specifically as the poem progresses through each stanza. Try to keep the same, or close to the same, number of syllables in each line of all the stanzas. (e.g. the second line having five syllables)

Let me know if you make any changes to this piece, I'd be more then happy to re-rate!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.
16
16
Review of Toes  
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The Old Wolf lazily walks around the field, first smelling this flower, then looking curiously at that insect. Suddenly, his ears perk up and he begins to sniff the air. Something has caught his attention...something...of yours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Synopsis:
This poem describes 'little pink toes' and paints a vivid picture of these toes sifting through rocks in a cold brook.

Reaction:
Definitely a 'feel-good' poem. I really enjoyed the side of humanity you illustrated with this piece. Along that vein, you really ILLUSTRATED well with this poem. This poem definitely focused on the sense of touch...and a good bit of Sight. I don't want the balance of this poem upset...but I also want to see more of your ability to turn the different senses into words. I'd REALLY like to see what you can do with the sense of smell, since it is so often ignored in literature. You have real talent, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Meter:
Near-perfect use of meter. I only found two 'mistakes', if they really are one. Your last stanza, third line only has five syllables, where your poetic pattern would have six there. The other case is the second stanza, second line. You have seven syllables, where your pattern would have eight. Take a look, see what you think...how that would make the meter flow.

Comments:
1)Stanza 2, Lines 3 and 4 - Good use of alliteration
2)Stanza 1 and 5 - Good use of repetition

Suggestions:
1)Stanza 1, Line 4 - sun light => sunlight
2)Stanza 2, Lines 3 and 4 - slimy scaly and green glossy => slimy, scaly and green, glossy
3)Stanza 4, Line 2 - yellow glowing => yellow, glowing

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having satisfied his personal curiosity, the Old Wolf wanders off, once again, in search of the next random thing to grab his attention.


Invalid Merit Badge #random
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
17
17
Review of Mysterious Island  
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (1.5)
Alright, I'd like to start this review out with a comment.

This piece needs a lot of work, but I saw a great potential for a good story, and firmly believe that you have the passion and creativity needed to be a good author. While many people have the technical know-how and mechanical expertise to write something that works grammatically, too few contain the drive and ability to CREATE something new and interesting. I think you have this ability.

There are a couple main areas where you are lacking in skill, but these are fixable. This isn't a quick or easy process, but that is the point of feedback and writing experience. The two biggest areas where I see improvement needed are in Grammar and the art of Storytelling. I am not an expert in either of these areas, but I will tell you what I know.

Grammar is my weakest area, as an author. I can usually tell if something is written wrong, simply by the fact that it doesn't seem right. This comes from the fact that I have spent years and years reading. One exercise you can do is to take a specific scene or event in your story, and compare it to something SIMILAR in a published book. Since you are working in the Fantasy Epic genre, I would highly recommend Tolkein, Anne McCaffery, Terry Goodkind, Robert Jordan, David Eddings, or Piers Anthony.

Other then that, I can specifically bring your attention to a good number of sentence fragments, run-on sentences, and some spelling errors. Each of these only takes a few seconds to fix, and would bring the quality of your work up, dramatically.

As far as the Art of Storytelling is concerned, there is very little on the subject that is written in stone. There are quite a few general rules to take under consideration. I'll outline a few of them here, and if you have any further questions, let me know.

1)Explain everything! (Almost...)
-As a general rule, the reader should not come across anything they don't already understand. If you plan to make use of a character, describe his/her personality, physical description, relationship to others, etc...BEFORE making him a central part of the plot. If you're going to use a certain location, describe what it looks like, what it has to do with the surrounding areas, how it can affect the story, etc...BEFORE showing the reader what happens there. Any deviation from this rule should exist FOR A PURPOSE. Everyone has heard about the mysterious wizard who's background is unknown...or read about the scene where the thief wakes up blindfolded, and has to explore the dungeon without the use of his eyes. The Author keeps the reader in the dark for a REASON.

Some practical examples:

In your story, Jex and Sky-right come upon numerous difficulties attempting to cross the terrain between the Dragon's lair and the Island of Manarue. The way you told the story I, as the reader, didn't know about the forest until you told me they had difficulty crossing the woods. I didn't know about the chasm until they had to come up with a way to fly across.

A better way to introduce these locations, these settings, is through some description of the area THEN continue the story with the problems your characters are having.

2) Describe the plot before applying it to the story. This is similar to the first general rule I mentioned, with a few subtle differences. In this case, I'm referring to the OVERALL setting of the story, the OVERALL plot line. Explain, in general, the situation that your characters are going to come upon before they get there.

You followed this rule, with your introductory paragraph, but didn't follow the concept to full application.

Some more examples:

You introduced the story with a short paragraph about the history of the witch. You told us where she was, how she got there, what her motivation was, and how she planned on accomplishing her goals. That pretty much covers the entire plot in a few sentences. You need FAR more room to talk about all that. However, that is the right way to start a story. (Again, these are all general rules...not absolute laws)

I noticed problems as the story progressed, where more aspects of the plot-line were revealed in passing...as a side-effect of the story you were trying to tell. The fact that every living creature has magic in them was given to explain why the forest was dying. This seems like a more important part of the setting then JUST for the forest scene. Talk about how magic interacts with the world at large earlier on in the story...dedicate a few paragraphs to this topic, it's almost central to the plot!

Your third paragraph robs you of a GREAT opportunity to set a wonderful and vivid setting. There is a continent ruled by Dragons. These dragons are thought to be vicious and evil creatures, though the reality is quite the opposite. SHOW us this story...instead of making it a collateral detail, included only so that we know where Jex came from. Tell us some tall of a historical event where an evil dragon led an attack on the human civilization. Tell us how the Dragons behave in a way that PROVES they have nothing but the best intentions for the world. SHOWing the reader everything you summed up in that one paragraph will not only add background to your story...but also depth and meaning.

3)Consistency and Anticipation are key!
-Reading a confused and poorly told story is like trudging through a mire of mud and rotting trees, whereas reading a story that flows perfectly, which pulls the reader along every step of the way is like being swept down a magnificent river, constantly wondering what's around the next bend.

Organize your thoughts, have each part of the story prepare the reader for what comes next. Let each aspect of the plot rest firmly on what came before. If the story follows a logical progression, from beginning to end, following the plot is effortless.

Some last-minute advice on the writing process...
I am willing to bet that you write in spurts of creativity. The way this story read, you had trouble getting your hands to write/type faster then your mind was creating. This is a great way to create, since everything comes so naturally during these periods. However, that doesn't make a final product. Outline, Draft, re-write, edit, re-write again, re-outline, draft over, peer review, re-write/finalization...these are all important steps to the creation process.

What you have written here is a great sketch of a story. You cover the main characters, and some minor ones. You have quick overviews of all the main locations in the story, as well as the key events. Now you need to fill out a complete outline or rough draft of the story. Take the order that everything poured out of your mind and rearrange it into something that is easy to digest for the reader...flesh out the descriptions and details...add a few 'unimportant' events...

There is so much room for this story to grow, it would be a shame if you didn't continue with it.

If you expand upon the concepts you have written here, PLEASE let me know. I would be more then happy to re-read, re-rate, and re-review this work.

Good luck, and Write on!
18
18
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (3.5)
A very good poem. I enjoyed reading the piece, even though I'm typically not a fan of Greek Pantheon settings. A few suggestions are at the bottom of the review, take them as they are...suggestions. Good job!

Mechanics: *Star**Star**Star*
I noticed nothing especially above or below average about the layout, format, or presentation of the poem. In this particular poem, each line does not neccesarily contain a full concept, nor are all concepts restricted to a single line or Stanza. What I mean to say is this is a STORY above all else, written in a poetic format. As such, I would expect something more poetic mechanically. Perhaps use a specific meter or rhyming scheme...maybe some alliteration...or some other, unique use of the English language you wouldn't normally find in a short story. If it's going to be a poem, make it poetic. Keep a close eye on the number of syllables in each line, as that can really lend something a poetic quality...even if the reader can't really put a finger on WHAT struck them as poetic.

Message: *Star**Star**Star*
I did enjoy the story in the poem. I would have preferred a little more clarity in the presentation of the story, but I think I have the entire picture after reading it a couple times. If anything, the poem could be made longer. You're dealing with what would be an Epic event in the Greek Pantheon, there's plenty more story here to tell.

Emotion: *Star**Star*
I have to say that this piece didn't evoke much emotion from me. I would have difficulty emphasizing with any of the characters in the poem, and as such viewed the story from a significantly more outside perspective. More character description/development would make an easier task of integrating myself into the poem, thus envoking a greater emotional response.

Conclusion:
Though this poem didn't rate more then average on any specific scale, there is always an undefineable appeal to every work of art. That appeal is what brought your rating up. I'd like to see more work on this piece, as it has a good amount of potential. Take a look at some of the suggestions I included below, as that will give you an idea of what I was looking at. If you'd like a more detailed list of suggestions and comments, let me know and I will be more then happy to oblige. Good poem, good story!

Thank you for sharing!
19
19
Review of Essays  
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am never sure why someone puts an auto-reward for a folder, but I will attempt to give a quality review.

This folder is intended to contain the essays written by the author.

I like the fact that you included, in the description, a short list of desires for the essays included in the folder, as well as a short history. This is a good format for a folder, as it makes it rather clear what you would like from the readers.

A few suggestions:
1)Expand upon the description. You've identified that there is a format for essays that works well for you...describe or identify the format in some way.
2)Include more items in the folder. A folder with only one item has very little reason to exist.
3)List some of the magazines you would be interested in submitting articles to. Give the readers a focus on where you see these essays going in the future.
20
20
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the philosophical bend you've taken with this piece. As with many pieces I've read, the CONCEPT is a good one, but the PRESENTATION is somewhat lacking.

Poetry is the art of words. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Your job, as a poet, is to make a dozen words worth a picture.

In your case, you have a very short piece, very simple. THAT is a strength that many poets don't recognize. Your message feels truncated, as if you haven't told the complete story. I think an additional stanza would be beneficial, though I wouldn't recommend more then that.

Repetition can be VERY powerful in a short piece, having the phrase What does it mean to be me? repeated again, at the end of a second stanza, would help solidify the message.

With your lack of punctuation, other then the last line, you bring attention to the capitals used to start each line. If possible, turning the piece into an acrostic would be quite artistic.

As a final note, the first line, 'Rainbows kiss my face' while pretty, doesn't add much to the piece. It CAN if coupled with a little bit of additional scenery. Perhaps a slight mist, caressing your face, is the cause of the rainbow...that lends both meaning, beauty, AND other sensory information.

Write on!
21
21
Review of Poor Old Barnes  
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.0)
I definately enjoyed this piece. The rythym was perfect and the rhyme nearso. The fact that this poem is based on a true story adds a definate feel of reality.

One of the Author's Ancestors, a man named Barnes, sets sail with his family to a land of good fortune. During the voyage, the ship is beset by various calamities. The dangers of the ocean claim many lives. Barnes' grandson is taken by measles, his son permanently disabled, and 'Poor Old Barnes' died of fever.

The history was regained from the diary of the Ship's Chaplain, so many years later.

As stated before, the rhythym was perfect, each stanza punctuated by the repeting phrase, "Poor Old Barnes". At different times this phrase summarized the stanza with sorrow, irony, humor, or defeat.

The piece uses very little punctuation, and I believe that this choice damages the flow. The sing-song style of writing is, at times, hard to comprehend without the familiar use of commas. In particular, in the cases where a dependant clause comes before the independant clause, using a comma would aid in understanding the piece without interrupting the flow.

There are a few places where the Rhyme seems to hinder the piece. One example, is the stanza:

They sailed past the point named Cape of Good Hope
But with measles abound some young could not cope
But stoic he sat and mended some rope
Poor Old Barnes

As usual, the ryhtym is perfect, and so is the rhyme. However, the three concepts put out in this stanz are completly independant of one another. This interrupts the flow of the piece. If possible, look for places where this occurs, and try to interconnect the lines further.

Mechanically, this poem is very well done. The patterns and rhythyms are flawless.

Conceptually, I do believe this poem has excellent potential, and can tell a very interesting story. However, focus seems to have been paid more to the mechanical implementation, and the piece sufferes for it.

Good job, DebbyM

Write on!
22
22
Review by Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderful system and I must say it rewards the other end of the writing spectrum.
As a writer, I never tire of recieving comments on my work, but I appreciate well-though out responses and a little effort. This system, which is completely unique, as far as I can tell, allows for people to strive to be not only good writers, but good critiques as well. The only suggestion/question I would have, is this: Is there a way to find out what your or other's Reviewing credits are? As long as your scoring each member, it would be nice to know the score.

Keep up the good work!
22 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/phoenixnoelle