Just dropped by to offer a review. Please take the feedback for what it is worth - just one writer's opinion!
WHAT I LIKED:
Just a cute story overall
Imagery was great. My favorite was the boy hanging from the rope trying to pull up his trunks. I suspect you had someone specific in mind when you wrote that scene.
Dialogue: Great use of dialogue to move the story along.
SUGGESTIONS:
Tighten - just a few spots. Example: "I read that the other night...." Could be deleted.
Verb Tense: "Zach remembered his cousin Jack stayed the night." Should be "had stayed..."
Pronoun: "Jack’s swim shorts slipped from his waist, and the piggy bank dropped out of Jack’s hands..." Change second Jack to his.
OVERALL I loved this story! Your creativity shines through and you have a mastery of the English language too many writer's lack!
Full disclosure: I am reviewing my daughter's work. I am obviously super proud to see her using her talent!
FIRST IMPRESSIONS I love humorous holiday stories, even if they are fiction.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Characterization — I really liked that Pete was not physically perfect. I also liked that he saw Bettie's parents in a different light and that perhaps he could help her see them that way too. Too often our view gets colored by our perceptions and it's hard to see beyond that.
2.) Family dynamics — I thought you managed to capture these rather eloquently. I bet you get asked if this is based on your family: hence the "This is FICTION" disclaimer.
3.) Irony — She ends up meeting the love of her life at a family dinner.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) I saw the relationship with Pete coming a mile away. Not that this is a problem——just an observation.
2.) I really did have an aunt Betty Davis....
3.) The comedy factor was amusing but not laugh-out-loud. Of course, this is strictly a personal opinion.
GRAMMAR
1.) Verb tense — Switch to past perfect tense whenever it is an ongoing action in the past. Example: "I had all my life." Instead: "I had had all my life."
2.) Spacing — Example: " I am in a...." Instead: "I am...."
3.) Comma between independent clauses — Example: "Chicago and my sister...." Instead: "Chicago, and my...."
FIRST IMPRESSIONS Fall is one of my favorite times of the year. Since many of your other stories have great imagery, I looked forward to one written about this time of year.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Characterization — I liked the way the two characters talked in fragments, which illustrated how neither really knew what to say.
2.) Imagery — Favorite: "scattered the fallen leaves on the water."
3.) Plot — It was beautiful how nature led the father down the path to forgiveness.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) Formatting — inconsistent spacing between paragraphs.
2) Characterization — The mother doesn't seem to have much of an emotional reaction other than displaying shock. She does seem to try to persuade her husband to accept her daughter but again this doesn't seem very emotional. I would suggest adding onto the scene where she settles Fran in. She could take her up to her old room, give her sheets, and reach out to push back a stray hair of Fran's but then pull back as if afraid of rejection. After she leaves the bedroom, she could close the bedroom door and even have a few silent tears. These are just a few suggestions to heighten the emotional charge of the story.
GRAMMAR
1.) Verb tense — Example: "a full year did not pass...." Instead "a full year had not passed...."
PARTING COMMENTS I loved the concept of the story and the nature setting.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS Nasty ghosts? Sounds intriguing.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Imagery — Favorite: "the trees stood shivering, crackling, and naked...." I thought this was beautiful.
2.) Plot — I liked how the gypsy mother communicated with her daughter.
SUGGESTIONS
1.) Plot — I doubt Martha would be allowed to start her candy striping immediately——all that paperwork and parental permission. Plus, no way would a candy striper be given access to someone with an unknown contagion. Also, wouldn't that kind of skin disease be a huge deal? I can just see the CDC swarming in on little Nora's Creek and quarantining everyone.
GRAMMAR
1.) M-dash — Example: "angels--only" These look like two hyphens strung together? I know the m-dash never looks long enough either, which is why I always put two of them together. Instead: "angels——only" Tip: Hold down the alt key and simultaneously type 0151 to get a clear m-dash.
2.) Introducing a list — Example: "anything; the teachers..." Instead of a semicolon use either a colon or an m-dash. "anything——the...."
3.) Word Choice — Example: "snuggling into her snorkel...." Snorkel? Isn't that a tube used to breathe underwater? Since she's trudging through the snow along a creek bank, this doesn't make sense here. Could this be a colloquialism common to your area?
FIRST IMPRESSIONS I have a soft spot for stories about the Holocaust, so I couldn't wait to read this one.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Humor — Favorites: "little schnitzel." and the engagement scene with the dough. That was easy to visualize.
2.) Voice — the voice of the narrator is strong and clear. There is humor laced with seriousness. I also thought the feeling of distance comes through as well. That is authentic to anyone who is older and telling about events from a long time ago. The emotion is there but it is muted.
3.) Title — I loved how the title fits so well and how bread is woven throughout her memories. At every stage of her life, those connections pull the reader along right with the main character.
It's funny but food really does often play a central part in many of our memories.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) Point of view — Just a personal opinion, but I find questions at the end directed to the reader to be distracting from the story.
2.) I wanted to slap the teacher.
GRAMMAR
1.) Comma between independent clauses — Example: "bread and I...." Instead: "bread, and I...."
PARTING COMMENTS I really enjoyed this story and how the memories all connected to food. I'm giving this a 5 star rating, and I don't do that very often.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS I loved the description as this tooth fairy did almost get caught.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) I suspect that this poem will bring a smile to any reader's face. I had to smile as it brought to my memory the time I was almost caught. I was bent over my son's head as I was blindly searching for his tooth. He woke up and asked me what I was doing. I just smiled and said, "Giving you a kiss goodbye." Since I usually left for work in the wee hours of the morning, he believed me. Phew!
2.) I like that this is first person told from the point of view of the child. Gives it a playful feel.
3.) I loved the description of the tooth fairy. Favorite: "sulking on Mommy's palm"
SUGGESTIONS
1.) Confusion — "stopped to play." This may be one of those "I am really over-analyzing things", but I wasn't sure what image this was portraying. She holds up the tooth and then stops to play? Is is possible this is suppose to be "stopped my play"?
TECHNICAL
1.) Rhyme — Follows a rhyme scheme of aabb - no major issues.
2.) Rhythm — Rhythm is strong and consistent.
PARTING COMMENTS What a charming poem that made me really think about my own children and tooth fairy encounters.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS The title made me wonder gone where? Or is it not a physical distance but so far committed to a path in life or decision?
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Metaphor — Loved this analogy: "the treadmill of life...." So appropriate to this piece.
2.) Subject — I suspect a lot of readers, myself included, can relate all to well to the issue of overcoming obstacles in our lives. I thought you captured the sense of inertia that many of us struggle to overcome. I also liked that you left the reader hanging at the end with just a tiny bit of hope that you would triumph in the end. That lent a touch of realism.
SUGGESTIONS
1.) Style — While this works great as a personal essay, I wonder if you could turn it into a longer short story based on your experiences? Think about how powerful it might be for someone to see the narrator struggling with these issues. You might even have your readers in tears with such emotional impact. As it stands now, it is poignant but not as, shall we say, gut wrenching as a longer story might be. It might even be cathartic to write.
GRAMMAR
1.) Formatting — Indent paragraph: "Well, the..."
PARTING COMMENTS Thanks for the updates at the end. A moving and poignant essay.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS The title intrigued me. What did "Shadow Detective" mean? Is this a real person? Does he/she investigate from the shadows or does he/she investigate the shadows?
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Tension — The opening builds fantastic tension with the way the narrator knows something or someone is there and can't move for fear of giving away the fact that she is awake.
2.) Humor — "she should go into writing horror stories,...." Thought that was funny.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) Plot — There were a few points that I just didn't buy. a.) the narrator turning her back on the intruder, b.) it doesn't occur to her to call the police the next morning c.) she forgets about the intruder after a tough day at work——must have been a horrible day because I doubt I could have thought of much else. Now, at the risk of giving something away I realize that these events occurred during a dream, so logic isn't always necessary. The question becomes will readers disengage before they figure this out? I stayed because of the tension, and I suspect others will as well.
2.) Plot — At the point where she decides to enter the basement, it reminded me of all those horror movies where some not-so-bright character sees blood all over a door and still thinks its a great idea to go into that room. I was thinking, "No way would I be checking out that basement."
GRAMMAR
1.) Unnecessary comma — Example: "exhausted, and had...." A comma should only be used here if there is a complete sentence on the other side of the conjunction. Instead: "exhausted and....."
PARTING COMMENTS Creepy story, but then I'm always creeped out by sleep-time horror stories.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS I live in an area where we have all four seasons. Though I might grumble a bit during the extremes, I wouldn't have it any other way.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Great imagery — Favorite: "It was here Crayola drew her muse for creating new crayons." The opening paragraph sets up the setting very well.
2.) Personification — I loved the personification of Father Winter and his "last hurrah."
3.) Plot — I liked the way everything went quiet.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) Plot — In one moment the narrator says he can't see because of the blinding snow and then the next he is looking around and sees the trees.
2.) Plot — This is my own personal hang up, but whenever there is a supernatural element in a story, I like to see a hint of it coming. When it catching me by surprise, it pulls me out of the story.
3.) Plot — Did you have a word limit? I know this was written on the fly, but I would suggest that this might be a more powerful story if you expanded it.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS Well, the description made me think of Chaucer from the movie A Knight's Tale. LOL! Sometimes my mind goes in the strangest directions. I shall endeavor not to allow that silly image to color my reading of this tale.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Great imagery. Favorite: "low gray sky hung lower and lower..."
2.) Unlike most bards, Hunter was multi-demensional. Instead of being the stereotypical bard who is a bit wimpy, Hunter is also an accomplished hunter.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) Vocabulary — I learned a new word: skald. Thanks!
2.) Internal thoughts — There is no need to add a "thought Hunter" after every italics thought. The reader will understand that it is his internal thoughts they are reading.
3.) What happened to the first village? I kept expecting to discover that Murchadh had something to do with it but it was never mentioned again.
GRAMMAR
1.) Comma splice — Avoid using commas to join two complete sentences. Example: "strong, he...." Instead: "strong; he...." Since these two sentences are closely related a semicolon will work here.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS The description suggests a missed opportunity and this is something most readers can relate to.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) I loved the description of the lagoon. Favorite" "pulsating jellyfish...." Great imagery.
2.) Great characterization really captures the imagination of a young boy and then follows throughout his life. Favorite: "his imagination had been stunted...."
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) Show vs. Tell — When possible, let the actions and dialogue speak for how a character feels. Example: "He felt stunned,..." Instead: "He froze, his eyes wide...."
2.) Foreshadowing — When introducing a supernatural element, try planting a few hints of what's to come. As it stands now, the mermaid caught me by surprise and really felt a little jarring.
GRAMMAR
1.) Avoid passive voice — Example: "The cliff top was carpeted with wildflowers,..." Instead: "Wildflowers carpeted the cliff top,...."
2.) Adverbs — Most of the time, they are unnecessary and slow down the writing. Try finding the adverbs and either deleting them or replacing them with stronger verbs. Example: "He approached the shore-line diffidently...." Instead: He edged toward...."
FIRST IMPRESSIONS Though I rarely review poetry, I am a huge Star Trek fan. I've come across several of these tributes to Leonard Nemoy written as a part of a contest, and I can't wait to read this one.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) I loved how the poem progressed with running dialogue. That made the poem unique and also brought back a lot of memories for this Trekkie. I could just hear Spock talking.
2.) Favorite line — "Fascinating, Jim." What an iconic statement.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) The break at the end to talking to Leonard Nemoy was a bit jarring for me. The poem seems to be focused on the character of Spock, so I would suggest changing Leonard to Spock. In other words: stay in character.
TECHNICAL
1.) Rhyme — Poem follows a scheme of abcb and holds this fairly well.
2.) Rhythm — At times there seems to be a natural rhythm but then it loses it and really seems forced. However, keep in mind that this is one of my biggest weaknesses so take this comment under that consideration.
PARTING COMMENTS The use of common Star Trek phrases really takes readers on a journey where "No poet has gone before."
FIRST IMPRESSIONS I don't normally review satire but the description caught my eye.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) I loved the opening description, especially since it sat in the middle of a modern city.
2.) Great use of personification. I particularly liked the naming system and how each had a personality and a history of its own.
3.) "deep baritone voice of the wall...." My favorite description.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) No real suggestions — perhaps a few of the flashbacks could be expanded to provide a bit more description. However, I don't know that it is necessary.
GRAMMAR
1.) Commonly confused words: lead vs. led. Example: "them lead up...." Instead: "them led up...."
2) Comma splices — Avoid joining two independent sentences with a comma. Example: "now, don’t...." Instead: "now. Don't..."
3.) Comma in direct address — When using a name in speaking directly to someone, set off that name on both sides with a comma. Example: "right Four, we are...." Instead "right, Four; we are..." I changed the comma after the name to a semicolon because it is actually another comma slice and should end as a sentence.
PARTING COMMENTS A great piece with a solid message: each of us has value.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS As someone with Native American Ancestry, I am always attracted to Indian legends of any kind.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Voice — A legend is really told with a different, almost distant voice, than a short story is. This story maintains that voice throughout.
2.) The story frame is well-woven to include all the elements of a good legend: a hero in tragic circumstance with a good moral lesson to save the day.
3.) I liked how the reader stayed in suspense about the meaning of Anomanunka for the entire story. I also liked how the art work at the top of the story ties in.
SUGGESTIONS
1.) No real suggestions. This could be made longer with greater details, but I don't think it is necessary.
GRAMMAR
1.) Avoid repetitive words or phrases — Example within one sentence: "without his wife... find his wife...." Instead: "find her...."
2.) Tighten — Example: "sub-chiefs of the village." Since it has been established that the main character is watching the village, there is no need to clarify that the chiefs are from that village.
3.) Avoid comma splices — Example: "snuck in, I only...." Instead: "snuck in. I..."
PARTING COMMENTS Just a great Indian legend. Thanks for sharing.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS The title and the description intrigued me. Was this literal or figurative? (SPOILER ALERT: Do not read further if you intend to read this story.)
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Loved the opening paragraph — pulled me right into her world.
2.) You balanced the real world with her inner thoughts perfectly. I almost felt like I took the journey with her, and when she gets pulled back, I almost felt as disoriented as she did. Bravo!
3.) I liked that the voice was familiar.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) Wait! What is the question? What is the answer? I'm not sure whether to admire your storytelling craft or be ticked that you left me hanging. LOL! However, I guess the question and even the answer is not the point, is it? It's more about finding the answers deep within yourself. In my family, we call that zoning. Hmmmm, could she be a writer seeking the answer to some conundrum in her story?
2.) Because the reader never knows the answer either, he/she is left with a sense of solidarity with the narrator.
GRAMMAR
1.) No major issues.
PARTING COMMENTS Well, other than still grumbling about not knowing the the question or the answer, I thought this little short was fabulous. I'm giving it a five, and I don't do that very often.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS When I first saw the title, I immediately thought of the old country song "Jolene." I wondered if this piece would have any connection?
WHAT I LIKED
1.) I thought the characterization of abuse was very realistic.
2.) I liked the alteration between the present and the past. It flowed very well and really provided a lot of background info.
3.) It is extremely easy to sympathize with Jolene. Because both characters are believable, the reader really dislikes Ed and is rooting for Jolene.
SUGGESTIONS
1.) Formatting — Double space between paragraphs. The white space gives the eye somewhere to rest between paragraphs. This may not seem like a big deal, but readers will give up or react unfavorably if they keep losing their spot.
2.) Jolene tells us about the abuse, but it might be more dramatic if Jolene actually flashes back to the it.
GRAMMAR
1.) Misplaced Modifier — "Jolene’s father being the old fashion type, they...." The way this reads the sentence should be about the father. Instead: "With Jolene's father...."
PARTING COMMENTS Well, the story didn't have anything to do with the country song, but the story could definitely be inspiration for a good one.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS When I first saw the title and the description, I wasn't sure how the two connected.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Ahhhh, when he said he didn't know about the past, but he knew he loved her now, my heart melted. Then when he said he would go to sleep just to "rush the morning light." What a sweet ending.
SUGGESTIONS
1.) Formatting — Paragraphs should be indented 1/2 inch. These look like maybe the space bar was used?
GRAMMAR
1.) Verb tense — Example: "what he came...." Instead: "he had come...." Example: "hobbies he had...." Instead: "he had had...." Any time the narrator talks about an on-going past activity that did not have a specific beginning and end, switch to the past perfect tense.
2.) Tighten — Look for unnecessary words or phrases. Example: " He stirred in his bed, and as he did this she looked up...."
3.) Commas with introductory phrases — Example: "her finger she left...." Instead "finger, she...."
FIRST IMPRESSIONS The title made me ask, "What truth?" The description made me wonder if this was one of those "ah-ha" moments?
WHAT I LIKED
1.) The descriptions of the other character were mesmerizing. My favorite: "eyes never ceding their lock on mine."
2.) I liked the message inherent in the story: we are each responsible for finding our own happiness. I also fervently agree with the last lines about jealousy—such a destructive emotion.
SUGGESTIONS
1.) I never quite figured out who the narrator is talking to. Is it some kind of supernatural being? Some kind of mystic?
GRAMMAR
1.) Tighten — Look for words or phrases that are repetitive or unnecessary because the reader will make the leap on his/her own. Example: "he knew the power he held over me at that point in time." The last phrase is really not necessary because the reader will assume it is at that point in time. Clarification might only be necessary if it was a past power.
2.) Avoid double punctuation. "?!?!" While it is intended for emphasis, it is really more of a distraction. Instead, use a speaker tag with screamed or shouted.
PARTING COMMENTS I enjoyed this short piece but ended up feeling like I missed something. Was there a word count limit on this?
FIRST IMPRESSIONS I tend to like nature stories. Plus, I like photo prompts and always enjoy seeing what other writers do with them.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) The sprinkling of technical jargon made the whole story totally believable.
2.) What an adventure! I had no trouble following the action as the descriptions are fantastic. My favorite: "My ears filled with the crush of swooshing sounds as my ear drums imploded."
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) I know it is not always possible, but I would have loved to have seen the pictures. You can insert a link back to the contest sometimes.
2.) Do those kinds of scientist really survive flash floods like that? Incredible. Don't get me wrong, I bought the whole thing; I just want to know after the fact if you made it up?
GRAMMAR
1.) Avoid repetitive phrases — Example: "Demerchant, and I set up camp, making sure to tie down...." However, "set up camp" already appears in the previous sentence. Instead: "I tied down...." Another one: "rest of the day..."
FIRST IMPRESSIONS Family reunions can be horror stories in themselves. (Warning: Spoiler Alert — Don't read on if you plan to read this story.)
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Loved the title.
2.) What a cold-blooded thing to do. I loved it! (Not sure what that says about me. )
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) Point of view — In such a short story, it is often better to tell the story from just one character's point of view. Readers have a limited time to connect to characters, and this can help ensure that they connect to at least one character. The opening seems to start from Ben's point of view but then switches quickly to his wife's. How would the opening scene be different if it was told from hers? There are also points later in the story that seems to shift back to Ben's point of view. Example: "Ben felt...." Jill should only be able to see what is happening to Ben.
2.) I know sometimes in contest entries there are often word count maximums to contend with. However, I would love to see this story expanded. Prior to the big scene, it might intensify the conflict if the reader could see more of Jill's anxiety through dialogue and actions. There could even be an exchange between Jill and Tracy that might shed more light on the subject.
3.) Plot Point — I'm not sure that I buy that Mike has hated Tracy all this time. I mean, the football game happened over 20 years ago and Mike still married her. That seems like a long time to plot their demise, even for a cold-blooded killer. Now, I could see it as an excuse but there would have to be more background to build this idea.
GRAMMAR
1.) No major grammar errors. Dialogue flows well.
PARTING COMMENTS Well, I'm not sure Mike thought this one through. I wonder how he is planning to get away with it?
FIRST IMPRESSIONS Who doesn't relate to family drama? As the youngest of six, my imagination hit overdrive with the description provided for this short piece.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Loved the opening description.
2.) The build-up of tension keeps escalating at the narrator doesn't quite explain the "bloodshed" and lets the reader use his/her imagination.
3) ROFLOL! I love the pictures. I so did not see that coming. Way to set up the reader and let them run smack into that. I wonder how many readers don't bother to look at the pictures? They are missing the best part if they don't.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.) Well, I was going to suggest you clarify who the family members were but....
2.) Perhaps the theme for next year could be Artic or maybe a siesta? Just a thought.
GRAMMAR
1.) No major issues.
2.) Nice job on handling speaker tags. There are just enough to keep the reader following the story without slowing it down.
PARTING COMMENTS I love a story that catches me off guard, and this little short certainly does that. I also don't give many fives, but honestly, there's really nothing to improve here. Bravo!
FIRST IMPRESSIONS I really was not sure what to expect with this story. Though I don't normally find a factory setting to be intriguing, I decided to give it a whirl anyway.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) I loved the personification given to the internal conflict that Robert seems to be having. I especially thought the names were very revealing.
2.) I liked the suggestion that our dreams may reveal a lot about us—a lot more than we are sometimes willing to admit even to ourselves.
3.) I found it amusing that certain emotions were up to mischief and no good.
4.) The fact that Amnesia forgot to leave an on call number is hilarious. I actually chuckled out loud.
SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS
1.)I found it particularly revealing that Stoicism was the foreman. The dictionary defines a stoic as someone who represses emotions and is indifferent to pleasure or pain. In this short story, that seems to indeed be Stoicisms job. He has to repress all of those emotions that are conflicting.
2.) Though I found the piece to be somewhat amusing, I never really felt engaged. However, this might be because I tend to gravitate toward more emotional or adventurous pieces.
GRAMMAR
1.) Spelling — Numbers under 10 should be spelled out as a word. Example: "at 3 in the morning...." Instead: "at three in the morning...."
PARTING COMMENTS Though short, this piece was an amusing allegory for the emotional battle that often goes on within each of us.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS I love a good ghost story, and this has the makings of a great one.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) "A snicker came from deep in the darkness." This sent cold chills down MY spine.
2.) Loved the scene where the narrator is feeling around in the darkness. That was a bit creepy because I thought she was going to grab something like a snake or a spider.
SUGGESTIONS
1.) Consider putting direct thoughts in italics.
2.) Avoid the cliché plot points like slamming doors. I think in almost every ghost story I have ever read there has been a slamming door. I almost rolled my eyes until I realized I've written the exact same thing and had no room to talk! LOL! It's hard sometimes in a genre like ghost stories to avoid these types of clichés, but I know I'll be watching for them more in the future. Thanks!
3.) I was confused with the introduction of the character Lizzie. Was she a neighbor girl from the narrator's childhood?
4.) Perhaps more time could be spent describing the dreams that seem to be haunting the narrator. This might help to strengthen the narrator's motivation for going into the house. It might also set up why she was carrying a Rosary and holy water. For me it was just a little too convenient that the holy water was in her pocket because she had purchased it a couple days ago. However, if there is a conflict established early between the narrator's Catholic upbringing and her drive to investigate the house, it would make perfect sense for her to come prepared.. You could also have the narrator have flashbacks to her dreams. For example, she might have dreamed about the ball bouncing down the stairs, and it could really freak her out when it happens.
GRAMMAR
1.) Sentence Variety: Avoid starting sentences with the same word. For example, look at your first paragraph. How many sentences start with "she"? Can you revise for variety?
2.) Tighten Sentence Structure: Look for places that are repetitive or unnecessary. Eliminating them will increase the pace of the story. For example, "Arial picked up the chain and lock that threatened to disintegrate which held the gate together." The readers will assume that the lock and gate are holding the gate together, so there is no need to tell them that.
3.) Use commas to set off introductory phrases: For example: "the first step the flame...." Instead "step, the...."
4.) Run-on sentence: "the Rosary she feared...." Instead "Rosary. She...."
PARTING COMMENTS This is a great start to a creepy, riveting ghost story. I really hope you finish it.
Being caught in a dream world is a common theme so I was intrigued to find out how you would handle this. I wanted to know how you would make it different?
What I Liked
I liked that you had a spirit guide helping the narrator. This was what truly made this story unique.
I loved your description of the glowing orbs and the tormented souls.
I liked the explanation that the narrator was actually trapped in the mind of an evil person. It reminded me a bit of Nightmare on Elm Street.
Suggestions
Tighten your prose to create a faster pace and better flow. Example: "The glowing sphere retreated from the presence of the man and backed away." If he retreated, didn't he back away? Also look for those pesky "ly" words. Most of the time, they can be replaced by stronger verbs. "Suddenly a wave of fear came over me...." Instead try "A wave of fear engulfed me..."
It is always better to show rather than tell, especially regarding emotions. Example: "I was afraid to jump and I held up my sweaty hands and screamed." This is a good example of giving your readers some credit; your basic description is good so your readers will understand that the narrator is frightened.
I would love to see more descriptions of the dream world. What was the Tower of Strife like? The narrator mentions a spiraling staircase but was it old and crumbling? How tall was it? I was a bit confused by "at last we had made it to the top." The ascent was described as a short one but the "at last" implies that it took a long time. Also was the narrator out of breath? Also what was the being like? Dress? Did he float on the ground?
Plot suggestion: if you were looking to expand this story, maybe the narrator could struggle with the evil mind he had traveled to? That might create a tremendous amount of conflict and tension.
Grammar
Avoid doubling punctuation as it is a distraction to the reader. Example: "here?!" If you want to add emphasis, do so with a speaker tag "'here?' screamed...."
Word Choice = "read deeper" Did you mean "reach deeper?"
Use a comma to separate two independent clauses (sentences). Example: "he meant and I felt...." Instead "meant, and I...."
Parting Comments
I do think there is potential here because having the guardian act as a guide was unique. With some editing/revising that includes more descriptive detail, tighter prose and more tension, you could have a fantastic story.
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion!
OVERALL IMPRESSION: I am a sap for a good romance and even more of a sap for the proverbial love-redeems-all story. To some it might be a bit predictable, but there’s just something about it that makes me sigh….
STRENGTHS:
Plot: In most stories along this line, the boy meets the girl. I was really intrigued by the fact that this was an old flame whom the narrator seeks and still loves despite her mistakes and lifestyle. I am curious about something. This song reminded me of the song “Centerfold.” Any chance that was the inspiration? If not you might want to look up the song on YouTube.
Dialogue: The words the characters used seemed real to the story. I will even add this compliment. I personally do not like foul language UNLESS it is true to the character, the situation and is not gratuitously used. You managed to do this without me exiting the story. Bravo.
FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:
Realism: Despite the language, I really liked the bar scene where he runs into Angel for the first time. I could just see this guy being dumb enough to make the remark he does, and if I were Angel I probably would have called him similar names.
Description: I loved the whole scene where Angel shows up on Jamie’s doorstep after she was assaulted. You did an excellent job of showing here.
SUGGESTIONS:
Confusing Phrase: “king size single bed.” This might be a regional or country of origins issue but in most parts of the US (where I live) a single bed is the same thing as a twin. As a result the pairing of king and single together really confused me. If your intent was to imply there is just one bed, I would suggest deleting the single as it really is not needed. How many people have more than one bed in a room? If your intent was to imply a loneliness, I would suggest “lonely king size bed.”
Show versus Tell: I really felt like this piece should have, in fact, been much longer. Instead, it feels hurried because the reader is often told instead of shown. Let me give you a couple of examples.
Telling: “ Jamie’s parents were delighted to see him, although there were some attempts at humour about the goatee and moustache he’d grown.”
Show: Consider something like the following scene.
Jamie’s mother opened the door and grinned. Grabbing him by the shoulders, she pulled him in and enfolded him in a tight embrace. Stepping back, she studied his face.
“And what young man is that growing on your face?” She winked when Jamie blushed.
“Just a goatee, Mom. I think it’s distinguishing, don’t you?”
Point of View: Be careful to stick to Jamie’s point of view. In a couple places it slips outside things he would know. When this happens it pulls the reader out as well.
Example: “Jamie said, and against her better judgement, Georgia could hear the sincerity in his voice.” How does Jamie know that she can hear the sincerity in his voice? I would suggest returning to more showing. This scene might have more impact if Jamie notices Georgia’s body language that indicates her doubt and then when he wins her over—arms crossed and then relaxing with a nod of her head.
Indirect vs Direct Quotes: Whenever possible use direct quotes in dialogue to move the story along. It will create a much faster pace to the story and give the reader a better feeling of watching a movie. If you tell the reader what is said, you are creating a distance from the scene for the reader—a middle man so to speak.
Weak: Jamie managed a weak smile and asked how long he needed to stay in hospital.
Stronger: “How long will he need to stay in the hospital?” Jamie managed a weak smile.
GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:
Typos: In a piece this long, it’s often hard to avoid typos because our brain knows what is supposed to be there. (In fact, there are probably a few in this review. ) Putting the piece away and then coming back to it later can help. Here are just a couple that I found.
focussed = focused ( I didn’t think this was a British vs. American spelling?)
“Jamie was amazed” = period at the end.
Comma Splices: Do not use a comma to join two independent clauses (sentences).
Incorrect: “Why don’t you come round to my place tomorrow evening, I’ll cook you…”
Correct: “evening. I’ll….”
Paragraphing Dialogue: Every time a new person speaks, start a new paragraph. Avoid burying the dialogue in the middle of a paragraph that starts describing what characters are doing. This will pick up the pace of the story.
Commas between Independent Clauses: Use a comma before the coordinating conjunction when joining two sentences.
Incorrect: “a tough time and we have to downsize.”
Correct: “time, and we….”
Hypens: Use a hyphen between single thought adjectives
Incorrect: post doctoral research
Correct: post-doctoral research
BOTTOM LINE: With some careful editing and revising for “showing”, this piece has the potential to be one of those love stories that makes the reader want more.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.41 seconds at 10:44am on Apr 24, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I was thinking, "No way would I be checking out that basement." 
Being caught in a dream world is a common theme so I was intrigued to find out how you would handle this. I wanted to know how you would make it different?
Plot: In most stories along this line, the boy meets the girl. I was really intrigued by the fact that this was an old flame whom the narrator seeks and still loves despite her mistakes and lifestyle. I am curious about something. This song reminded me of the song “Centerfold.” Any chance that was the inspiration? If not 
) Putting the piece away and then coming back to it later can help. Here are just a couple that I found.