Having read your short story "The Purge," I found it had a strong opening paragraph. I loved line 3 in paragraph 1; "Their darkness leeches into society and turns it black around me." The opening is sinister and leads me wanting to read more.
Paragraph 3 from line 3-5:
I feel that it will read better if you omit the sentence, "But no more," then begin the following one with "Now," Instead of "For." I would leave out repeating drug dealers and whores we already know who you are talking about. Perhaps after "Judged," you could say something like, "All, including their children must be cleansed by fire; He says it must be so."
Paragraph 4 line 1:
After long ago I would try to omit the adjective and replace it with a verb. It reads; "I have never seen anything so beautiful," perhaps something like; "It's beauty surpasses anything I've seen."
The following sentence, beginning;"My thumb flicks sweetly over the wheels," again it would sound stronger if you lost the adverb, (sweetly) and changed the sentence to strengthen it." example: "My thumb caresses the wheel, as I flick it a cleansing flame bursts forth."
Paragraph 5 line 3:
Instead of "But it woke up the passengers effectively," again dropping the adverb would strengthen the writing.
If you kill all the adjectives and adverbs your writing will be much stornger throughout.
The story draws me in at the beginning and I want to read more. Towards the end it gets a little confusing. I;m not sure whether James is dead and I'm wondering who Jonah is? Perhaps the latter could be introduced at the start of the story to avoid confusion.
Overall an enjoyable read and remember the comments are my opinion and other readers may disagree with what I have to say. It is up to you whether you make any changes after all it is your writing. I look forward to reading more of your work and I'm sure others will too.
I found this short piece of writing fascinating. I love the way that the voices of the characters stand out. As I read it I can imagine the converstions they have very clearly.
The writing also gives a clear insight into the difficulties we experience when dealing with a person with mental health issues. It is hard for us to imagine what they are seeing and how it is affecting them, particularly when we are focussing upon how their behaviour is affecting us and others involved with them.
I hope you complete your novel and when you have I would love to read it. Keep on writing.
Hello Rich
Thank you for sharing your acrostic verse with us. I attempted one for a competition and decided maybe it was better if I kept away from them. It's harder than it seems to produce an acrsotic verse that is entertaining and you've succeeded with yours. I found it amusing and considered writing one about tea. I drink too much of it. But no I'll leave it to people like you to do a good job.
Thank you for sharing your poem with us. I enjoyed reading it. If this is your first attempt at writing poetry then well done.
I like the way you talk about secrets lurking in different places and that you say we will not benefit by them. After all secrets are often kept to cover up the wrong doing of ourselves or others. When we share them then they are no longer a secret and that can be the undoing of us by revealing our true selves.
This point comes out well in the poem.
In the second line of the fourth stanza, I think that you meant to write day where you have written say.
It is always important to edit our work and check for small typo's like this. I have often made the same mistake myself.
Thank you for sharing your writing with us and WELCOME to The group.
I love the idea of the powers being likened to a mirror. I also enjoyed the action within the story and the confrontational elements of it. I feel that you have the ability to produce writing that is both exciting and holds the reader.
I feel that the story will be improved by careful editing and slowing it down in places. If it is too fast paced the reader feels exhausted when reading it. I feel a little confused about who the characters are at times especially the narrator of the story.
With regards to the editing. You tend to forget to capitalize 'I' at times, (this could be a typo it happens with me occasionally). Some sentences can be shortened to make the story sharper, for example:-
Paragraph 2 - line 3 - If you placed a full stop after response.
If you changed the sequence of the sentence in paragraph 5 To, 'On the wall above the stove.' It would make more sense.
I realise this could be your first draft. When I write my first one I carry on regardless and edit, edit, edit afterwards. It's an important process in writing.
Overall I enjoyed your story and look forward to reading more of your writing.
From one Poppy to another, this one residing near an English field in a small quiet village far away from the hectic scene of rugby, football and recent riots. Hallelujah for this and like-minded people like yourself.
This piece of writing reminded me of how blessed I am to have escaped so called normality. If being normal is giving priority to sport and celebreties rather than disasters whether they be natural or otherwise, then I am pleased to admit to being abnormal.
The emotion and feeling you have put into this short rant, shines through. It gives an insight into the type of stable person you are and need to have in a world population that appears to be turning indifferent to the suffering of others and prefer to inflict pain instead. Many of us are on your side. Keep on writing with the passion you have about subjects like this.
My utmost sympathy to all those who suffered in Christchurch.
Thank you for sharing your writing with us and a very big WELCOME to the WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP.
Poppy
I think this has the bones of being a very good poem. I love the idea of talking to the sea and telling it your secrets and reflecting upon what others have told it, then wondering if it has revealed those secrets to anyone.
Like the sea, the way it is written ebbs and flows. Easy reading in parts but occasionally hitting the rocks and causing stumbles.
The first two lines flow . The following two stumble a little. Particularly the third line, 'The tales those in land of people with deaf ears remain untold.' The way it is written doesn't quite make sense, although I can see what you are trying to say.
I feel that if you shorten some of the lines and redraft the poem, it will receive a higher rating.
Overall I enjoyed the poem and wish you a successful writing future.
Poppy
Thank you for sharing your poem with us, I enjoyed reading it.
I particularly liked the rhythm of the poem. As I read it, it sounded similar to a rap inside my head. I don't know if this is how you meant it to sound or if in fact you write lyrics for songs?
I also felt that it showed depth of feeling
In the second line, should it read; spoken word, not spoke word?
I love this page. It's a treasure trove of help and I can see myself visiting on a regular basis to help me out on the things I know nothing about.
You guessed right, I'm a Newbie? If it wasn't for contributors like you I'd be totally lost. I'm not used to the site yet so the information contained here is precious to me.
In the preface is the description of love written as your personal feelings, or does it refer to the feelings of a character in the novel?
I feel that this has the bones of a fast paced intriguing novel. I cannot comment upon the technicalities or the scientific side of the writing as my knowledge is limited in that quarter. However, as an avid reader I feel that it would work better if your opening was presented by 'showing not telling' what is happening.
It is quite a while before we know who the two men are, as you refer to them as the first and second man. If you introduced their names in the beginning it would seem less formal.
I feel sure that by sharpening the dialogue and shortening the descriptive paragraphs, it will grip the reader more.
Keep on with it, I would love to read the finished novel.
A deep and inspiring piece taking me back to my youth when I was unsure of everything. Reminding me never to return to that place of uncertainty and fear.
I am a Gemini the perfect sign for who I am now. An individual who becomes who they want to be when they want to be. Ever changing yet the same. Embracing the all. I simply am.
Well written and thought provoking. Keep on writing.
Poppy
Hello Madds
I enjoyed reading this snippet from your life, finding it uplifting and refreshing. It's amazing how it can take an action by someone else to reveal our true feelings not only to them but to ourselves.
I like the way you described your anger by the throwing of the 'phone and also how well the dialogue worked. The voices were distinct.
I would just check through it as I found a couple of lower case letters where they should have been capitalised, for example; Jasmine and I in the speech near the end where Josh is asking you to be his girlfriend.
Hello von Garrett
A very interesting piece told in a concise but informative manner. The way you tell it draws you into the scene and a sense of darkness.
I loved the introduction telling us about the ancient art and how it was nurtured within the protagonist.
In paragraph 4 line one, I believe it should read 'beat' me not 'bet'.
It may be a short poem but it expresses your feelings very well.
Many of us have experienced being in that dark and painful place and wondering if we will ever escape from it. On a personal level I found that the answer was my determination to control my mind instead of letting my mind control me. I succeeded by replacing every negative thought with a positive one. Not easy when you are in constant pain, but it is possible.
Writing is a good way of helping you achieve this and you show that you have the ability to produce good work.
A moving account of a terrifying event. I can relate to this as the back of my house was set on fire by an arsonist who mistook it for the residence of another person.
I was more fortunate though it was put out before it did internal damage.
It must have been difficult for you to recall and write this prose. The line relating to the depletion of the air supply, punches home the severity of a fire.
I love the imagery that the first line invokes as I read it. The fiery wheel spinning within the heart, makes me think of the chakras used for healing body, mind and spirit. I also liked the line; this wine press for my words.
An interesting and fascinating poetry form. If this is your first attempt I look forward to reading more.
Poppy
An emotive poem. I feel that you capture the feelings of a sixteen year old undergoing suffering very well and to change it now you are older would perhaps lose the flavour of the poem.
Perhaps you could tap into how you would feel now if the same thimg happened and write a second poem.
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