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3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Potato Beetle
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hm, well...
First, the writing is absolutely great. English is not my mother tongue so I'm not one to give quality criticism on a technical level, so I'll just note that your vocabulary, to me, is impressive, and you describe things beautifully.

Moving on. Something really, really bothered me about your story. You started with a creepy and mysterious introduction, and then, all of a sudden, you introduced Mr.Exposition.
From a certain point, the story was just a conversation between the main character and a plot device. The exposition character, for some reason, knows lots about their situation, and even got specific fantasy names... Like wha- ho- (?) This fellow is awfully chatty for a doomed soul that suffered for countless of years. Honestly, it feels like a a video game.
Other than that the take of good and evil and human nature in this story was too simplistic, or should I say minimalistic, for my taste.

I think you started tremendously well, and as I said the writing is fantastic. However, the storytelling could be improved, rethinked.

Anyway, I enjoyed it, thanks for sharing and good luck!
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Review of Silence  
Review by Potato Beetle
Rated: E | (3.5)
I usually refrain from giving a review on such short pieces (in other sites, that is. It's only my second review here) because there's usually very little to say.

But I think this piece is good. Really good. That's not why I'm giving a review though, I'm giving a review because it can be truly great in my opinion.

The boring, technical issues:
- Don't use & in your writing. The word 'and' will do just fine.
- "I’m conceded." Seems to me like a grammerical issue, and the word conceded seems as if it does not fit the meaning. English is not my mother tongue though, so it just could be that I'm wrong here.
- ^ The same about "unimpeded"

Now for the less technical stuff. I really like this piece because I think that it has a lot of potenial to surpass where it currently stands.
In the first line you converyed the feeling of stress very well, the walls are closing on her, there's pressure on her chest. It has nice imagery and a poetic tone to it.
In the second line you seemingly continue the poetic feel of the peice, but this line comes across as very odd, for two reasons:
1. There should be a , after 'love' since you're talking both about the warmth and the unconditional love. Those are obviously two that are the same, but in your sentence they come across as two dinstict subjecets.
2. The word 'depleted' really breaks the flow of the reading. Try reading it out loud to recognize such instances. My suggestion editing as follows: "The warmth I once felt, the unconditional love... is depleted." It helps the flow of the reading, but the three dots, the pause, also gives a slightly dramatic tone to what coming next, that does not go well with the word that comes after. Overall I think the best you can do is replace this word with another.

The next line is truly amazing in my opinion. It's simple, but conveys the feeling of pressure, urgency and helplessness very well. The Tick Tock at the end is a nice touch, I'd even consider adding more Tick tock just to magnify the effect and give a bit of a pause before the next line because...

It breaks the flow of the reading, again. I realize it's not strictly a poem. Still, I believe it will work best if the reading will flow as if it is, and jumping back and forth between lines their sound comes easily on the tongue and lines that give the reading an abrupt stop is confusing to me.

Honestly, I could give more suggestions of how *I believe* it could be improved, but I feel like I've already struck the nail on its head several times and you get the core idea of my review.

Keep writing, and best of luck!
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Review of Snowflake  
Review by Potato Beetle
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Shawn,
Firstly, adressing the writing at its face value, I think it was well written. I havn't much to say on the matter since other than that you managed to convery the feeling of uneasiness quite well at times, which if very important in horror.

Now, regarding the content:
You started the story very well, with Madi's friend blocking the road. It's one of those little things that seem strange and build up the suspense, but not strange enough to tell us anything.
That being said, some holes start to pop up, even then: Is the mother aware that her daughter is just standing on the road? (It seems as if she is, but how does that connect with the rest of the story?)
The 2 kids watching her, actively looking at her, was too much of a giveway.

It's important to know the balance. Suspense in difficult to maintain, because it has to be subtle and clear.
Another issue is that you're building your suspense in points that are not too far apart. The story seemingly revolves around the untold-horror, and not around the characters. Sam and Helen has little to no interaction outside of the horror aspect. They are good friends, they should talk about their lives more. If Sam had more flesh to her it would greatly enhance the impact later on.

Some stories change points of view mid-chapters, it's not neccesarily a good or bad thing, but it doesn't work well for your story.
"Her thoughts kept returning to a single question; could she be the one?" - This lines shutters all hope for a twist. In a horror story, being "the one" can mean only one thing.
So, half way through your story, the reader pretty much know the ending.

I don't want make the same point over and over. In my opinion, your story can gain a whole lot from being longer. Spreading the suspension points more generously, keeping them more subtle and giving more flesh to the characters.
There are a lot of problems that dance too much on the suspension disbelief, and could be fixed with relative ease while adding depth to the story. For example, Madi's friend was expecting Sam, but that does not answer how she recognized her - perhaps the town is small enough, that every new face stands out? How do the kids keep hiding what they're doing? I mean they butchered her in the middle of a street...
Also, it's not very clear if Sam's the first victim. On one hand, we have the kid saying he has been practicing (on deer, perhaps?), so she's at least on of the first victims. But - Madi's friend was standing on the road to let Snowflake examine victims, what could they do if it was someone unrelated to any of them? More importantly though, why would Madi think she may be the one? It seems as if everyone could be the one, even her mother.


Also, Sam hearing their laughter after they pulled her heart out... I am having a hard time believeing her life slowly drained away. Sorry, Sam is a corpse.

I feel like I'm nitpicking here, but honestly I enjoyed the read. It just requires a little more thought into the details of the story.

Keep writing, and good luck!
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