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106 Total Reviews Given
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1
1
Review of What It's Worth  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A fresh pair of eyes can help us see
when we are in the midst of the trees.
An artist's friend is Praise and Honesty
So take my words with tons of love from me.
by: Dianne Lowe Breakfield


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 



WHAT I LIKED


I like the fact that you took on a very important and controversial subject. You did an excellent job eliciting several strong emotions, especially overwhelming pain.

WHAT I GOT OUT OF IT

I got pain, unjust rules and a lifetime of having to remember such unimaginable loss. Not being able to comfort your life partner because of antiquated beliefs is a tale that could be used to bring awareness to the uneducated. I am glad that minds have been changed in the last fifty years but there is still a long way to go.

YOU MAY WANT TO LOOK OVER


I am far from an expert in poetry and prose but the layout seems disjointed to me. Don't take this too much to heart because this is simply my opinion and you are the writer so you do as you see fit.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I love this piece not only for the poignant message that you brought into the light but because you were able to express the feelings so well with your style and choice of words.







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Dianne Lowe Breakfield
Poet

Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
A fresh pair of eyes can help us see
when we are in the middle of the trees.
An artist's friend is Praise and Honesty
So take my words with tons of love from me.
by: Dianne Lowe Breakfield


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Striker,

Welcome to your home away from home. *Smirk2* I am so happy you are interested in writing and just happened to find the best writing site on the web. Make sure to take advantage of every learning tool on here to help you hone your craft.

Everyone here is really nice and will help you at any time, just shout out.

I have only been here about a month myself and at first, I was so overwhelmed with the complexities of the site I wasn't sure if I would ever learn how to navigate and use B-item,(don't worry, I didn't know what that was either), but since I joined the Newby group and found out that the people from the Newby group are here to help you every step of the way. Ask them anything you need to as often as you need to and don't worry about getting on their nerves because they live to help us newbies.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

You impress me as having a good imagination. That is an important trait to have for an aspiring writer.

FAVORITE:

My favorite thing about your story is the ending. Surprise!

SUGGESTIONS:

I suggest that you write every day no matter what. Get a notebook dedicated to just your writing. Even if you don't have anything to write about make sure to write something. You can make notes on stories you would like to write, a character you would like to develop or just say, "I don't know what to write about but I am writing anyway." I started journaling in high school after one of my teachers told me that I should and I still have most of my journals and it is fun to look back at them. I have even gotten the idea from an idea that I wrote 40 years ago and wrote something.

CLOSING STATEMENT:


In closing, I would like to thank you for sharing your work.


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There are people in the Newbie Group that can help you and are happy to do so. Please do not hesitate to contact them. If you lose their link or just want to ask me something, I am always happy to help. Please feel free to call on me at any time. If I don't know the answer or can not help you then I will get you to the right person.

Dianne Lowe Breakfield
3
3
Review of Poe Edgar Allen  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is cute. You got the kitten's personality spot on. I love the little kittens in all the Christmas tree balls.

Dianne Lowe Breakfield
4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed your little 'Santa adventure'. You write quite well, from beginning to end. Thank you for sharing.

p.s. Enjoy them while they are little because they grow into monsters for a few teenage years, sometimes beyond but then they come out the other end as great parents too.

Words of wisdom from my mother. "They step on your toes when they are little and your heart when they are big."

Dianne Lowe Breakfield
5
5
Review of Hero Lost  
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A fresh pair of eyes can help us see
when we are in the middle of the trees.
An artist's friend is Praise and Honesty
So take my words with tons of love from me.
by: Dianne Lowe Breakfield

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

The title caught my attention first. Good choice. It matches the poem quite well.

FAVORITE:

Searched
through
days dark.
But...
The prison door
was
open.

I get this. Although the entire poem speaks to me and causes me to 'feel', these lines spoke to me the most. I have searched through many days dark, especially being bipolar severe, many days dark. I have caught my prison door open one too many times myself.

SUGGESTIONS:

I have no suggestions for improvement of this poem because every word is right where it should be.

CLOSING STATEMENT:


Although I have reviewed parts of your story before and really like it, you should write more poetry. You are a poet.

I noticed what you wrote in your bio about exploring the good and bad and if you ever need any animal rescue stories, happy or sad or tragic, I have a million of them. Be happy to share.




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Dianne Lowe Breakfield

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I had to check out one of your poems and this one caught my eye right off.

You brought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. That is a good thing since that seems to be what you were going for. Good job.

Your use of imagery is awesome. I am looking forward to reading more.

Dianne Lowe Breakfield
7
7
Review of Jack Frost  
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I go through a lot of writers work on the days that I can and if it doesn't catch my attention right away I just move on but not on this one. This one caught my attention from the beginning to the end. I didn't want it to stop.

I usually show my favorite line or lines but I would have had to list almost your entire poem so I will just say it was awesome, all of it.

Keep writing, you have a real talent for it.

Dianne Lowe Breakfield
8
8
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I usually like to give a full review but I can not review this. Not because I disagree or agree. Because it is too painful for me to remember. It is too painful for me to know there are gay boys and men out there that could use the love of someone like me if for no other reason but to let them be who they are with no judgment and I don't know them. I don't know how to meet them.

I was raised Baptist and heard from the church that homosexuals were all going to hell but I could never believe it. I still don't believe it. My best friend was a manly mechanic and just by meeting him no one could tell he was gay but it wouldn't have mattered to me if he was flaming. I loved him unconditionally. He died when a car he was working on at his job fell on him. I miss him now and forever. My Leonard is not in hell and I won't tolerate anyone telling me otherwise.

Horray for you, writing on this touchy subject. Don't give up the fight and always know there are people who are straight that don't judge or hate.

With unconditional love,
Dianne Lowe Breakfield
9
9
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A fresh pair of eyes can help us see
when we are in the middle of the trees.
An artist's friend is Praise and Honesty
So take my words with tons of love from me.
by: Dianne Lowe Breakfield

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

This carries a very powerful warning for the human race and it is written well

FAVORITE:

With an imploding collapse, it erupts with a spectacular exploding outburst.
In the blink of an eye, It will wipe us out upon the heels of its wave.



SUGGESTIONS:

When it is all said and done, their will be nothing to save. Their should be there

The world's of our solar system will be turned back into dust.
 World's should be Worlds

Then somehow, it is like they are will blown around our milky way with a gust. This sentence needs to be restructured. Maybe, "Then somehow, it is like they will be blown around" or "Then somehow, it is like they will blow around:

CLOSING STATEMENT:


You have a very good poem here. The few problems I pointed out are nothing but mistakes and not a representation of your ability to write a good story. Very vivid images and enjoyable to read.






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Dianne Lowe Breakfield

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov
10
10
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really like this poem. I have no corrections. It is great.
11
11
Review of The Special Dog  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A fresh pair of eyes can help us see
when we are in the middle of the trees.
An artist's friend is Praise and Honesty
So take my words with tons of love from me.
by: Dianne Lowe Breakfield


FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

I enjoyed the subject of your work because I love stories about animals. One of my favorite implied statements is how much buying a pet is not a good idea, better to adopting one, is a good addition to the story.

It may become clear later in the story but I write 'First Impressions' as I read so I don't know yet but, in the opening introduction of Anne she says she is nine. Then she says, "had one pet in my thirteen years of living."
 My first impression of this is that you made a mistake or forgot you made her nine years old first.

I have to wonder if the story is written by a nine-year-old or a thirteen-year-old if the way it is written is indicative of the way a nine-year-old or a thirteen-year-old person would write? Some thought processes and words fit a nine-year-old while others seem to fit the writing style and maturity of a thirteen-year-old.

OBSERVATIONS:

I am wondering if this is a letter written by Anne or if it is something she is talking about? If it is her writing a letter to someone then the mistakes I pointed out under, 'SUGGESTIONS' and the mistakes in sentence structure and a few other minor things that I noticed would be right for a nine-year-old but not as likely for a thirteen-year-old. If it is not intended to be a letter she wrote but a spoken account of how she got the dog she wanted, then everything, except for the statements(in quotations) should be changed according to the age of the speaker and all of the mistakes in structure should be fixed.

SUGGESTIONS:

"There is one thing a want, though; a dog." There should be a comma after, 'want'

"Mom agreed. Score! "Can we get him?" I said,"
Since Anne is actually asking a question and not making a statement I feel like instead of, 'I said', you should say, "I asked.

"Along the way I saw a" Should be a comma after, 'way'

"Oh that's good." needs a comma after 'Oh,' Also "I said. "Oh that's good." She is excited about her accomplishment of finding the lost cat so using 'I said' does not show her excitement. I suggest using a stronger word like, exclaimed or 'I screamed excitedly. One more point on the sentence, I see that 'Oh, that's good.' is what her mother says but without a clarifying statement it makes it confusing as to who is saying it.

"Oh yes! Thank you mom!" needs comma after you

"Excuse my m'am misspelled ma'am

I said to the lady at counter i Should have 'the' before 'counter'

"I want this one." I said, pointing to the Should be a comma after 'this one' and not a period


CLOSING THOUGHTS:


I feel like you have the start of a good children's story. You are on the best writing site I have found so far to get help and inspiration to improve your writing skills. Make sure to read the articles they have available and ask a lot of questions. Get as much advice as you can then follow the advice but only after you have researched it to make sure the advice is accurate. I am not a moderator and do not know a whole lot about this site but I want you to feel free to contact me at any time about anything. If I can't answer you, I will direct you to someone who can. Most of all, feel free to send me an email asking me to review your work. I don't believe in cheating a writer by tip-toeing around the subject but to say it as I see it.

One of the things one of my creative writing professors said to me, "A writer writes.", has stuck with me like glue ever since I first heard it about thirty years ago. If I can make an impression like that on a new writer than I will feel like I have done good so I say to you, Even if you have nothing to write about or do not feel like writing that day, write something, anything at all just as long as your write every day. Get several different notebooks for different purposes.

I have several boxes of notebooks collected over the years and often when I go through them I get an idea for, or a poem or story that I wrote down years ago. There are many advantages to writing every day so don't cheat yourself out of a future in writing, write something down every day.


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A writer writes so go write something,
Dianne Lowe Breakfield

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A fresh pair of eyes can help us see
when we are in the middle of the trees.
An artist's friend is Praise and Honesty
So take my words as tons of love from me.
by:Dianne Lowe Breakfield


WHAT I LIKE

This is a simple short story yet it has a complicated subject. Cancer is a scary thing to hear from your doctor and instantly makes you believe your life is over but you gave hope to your character and that can give hope to those who read your story.

You made the conversation sound natural. I have a hard time with that and admire your talent in that area. (perhaps you could give me pointers on a short story I am struggling with. It is all conversation with no dialog .)

I like that you allowed the doctor to give a medical description of the disease and it's possible progression, options and medical advice. The information is vital to the story.

SUGGESTIONS

"Yeah. Natalie, whatever it is, we'll deal with it together. We've been through hell, there's nothing that we can't get through together."
 There is nothing wrong with the sentences above but personally I would try to restructure it so you don't repeat 'together'.

"She says, "I'm so glad you back. I've missed your face."
 You did something I am famous for, you left off the 'R' in your.

FINAL OBSERVATION

I love this story because it is true to life and it is written as if it is something you have experienced. Will there be a follow up?

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


Dianne Lowe Breakfield
Poet
>>^..^<< In memory of Kat


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A fresh pair of eyes can help us see
when we are in the middle of the trees.
An artist's friend is Praise and Honesty
So take my words as tons of love from me.
by:Dianne Lowe Breakfield


What I liked

I like the way you weave your words together in a way that allows the reader to see the piano player not only as he performs before an artist but behind the scenes as he practices

How it made me feel

It made me feel as if I were a fly on the wall watching an artist work on and share his own personal interpretation of his chosen art

What might need work

I can see nothing that needs to be changed. Every word falls into place naturally and brings the reader into the image

My final thoughts

I think you did an awesome job bringing your words to life and drawing a perfect picture with few words. I like a poem with few words that brings so much expression and imagery.

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Dianne Lowe Breakfield
Poet

I've been laden with doubt
By critic dissenters
They are so devout
These nitpick tormentors

When my poem is all done
Not completely a sham
I've written my fun
Artistic integrity be damned

Stanley Cooper
14
14
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A fresh pair of eyes can help us see
when we are in the middle of the trees.
An artist's friend is Praise and Honesty
So take my words as tons of love from me.
by:Dianne Lowe Breakfield


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: This story has sucked me in from the start. I have been chuckling at your choice of names for your characters and places. "Strangetown"
"Mrs. Fatbum" Those are great.

I like the idea of sending a new, modern day boy up the beanstalk to face the giant. You express the modern day desires of kids just right. All he can think about is getting enough money so his parents can buy him an xbox. He hardly considers how dangerous his actions are because he has tunnel vision about the video game. This adds to the story.

MIDDLE IMPRESSIONS:

Putting the mother giant on cloud 9 is a nice touch.

"Jessica turned to Jake and said, “you are, Jake.” She quickly grabbed him tight, licked her lips and shoved him in her mouth then swallowed him 'ole and 'live.

Next she put Sam and John in a sandwich with lettuce, cucumber and ketchup and ate it quickly for lunch with a crunch, crunch, crunch! Mmmm, tasty. For pudding she had a giant apple because she was a good girl and always ate her fruit and vegetables, not like Jake used to.".....

These paragraphs cracked me up. She grabbed Jake up fast and had him in her mouth before I knew what was happening. And making a sandwich out of the other two is hilarious.

WRAP IT UP:

Your idea is sound and interesting. I have to wonder what age group you wrote this for? It is too violent for very young children. But I think the typical 8-12 year old would appreciate it.

I take it this is your first draft and you posted it for help on cleaning it up. If you are anything like me you will rewrite it many, many times before you are satisfied with it. So, here is the part some people take personally, I hope you take my critique as an opportunity to become the best artist you can be.


Below, I have given you a few hints on some things you may want to consider changing. I wouldn't be helping you learn if I rewrote it for you. And the entire story needs to be worked on, But I hope I can explain it to you in a way that will help you figure it out.

You have the makings for a much longer story. You rushed your sentences. You can take just one sentence and expand it to be more descriptive and fun to read. I will give you an example of what I mean. After that I will quote a few random paragraphs for your consideration.

I chose the following paragraph as my example. "Jake turned and saw the big brutish giant wearing dungarees and a pink shirt looking side to side for him."

'Jake found himself almost face to face with a bigger than life brutish giant. Jake thought the big mean man looked funny wearing a pink shirt with his dungarees but Jake was in no mood to laugh about it as the giant had smelled him and was trying to find him. The giant man turned his head from side to side searching everywhere. His mouth had started watering from the delicious smell of the English blood and Jake barely escaped a huge sting of spit as it dripped from the giant's mouth.'

You see how much more detail you can add and how much more fun you can have describing the events?

Bear in mind that I am making this up off the cuff without proofreading it so it is not the best but I think it is sufficient enough to give you a boost and get you excited about your rewrite.

I was making notes as I was reading and they are listed below but every example I have given is not perfect, they are just first impression examples so take them as you will.

"beanstalk twisting out the ground", ...You left a word out, there should be an 'of' between 'out & the ground'.

"But now he had the chance to put his climbing skills to the test and began to climb when his parents went back in the house." .....I think this sentence should be restructured. You may want to do something like this, 'But now he had the chance to put his climbing skills to the test. He waited until his parents were back in the house then began to climb the beanstalk.

"Being the foolish, dangerous boy he is, Jake carefully climbed up and sneaked up to the front door and squeezed in the gap underneath."....This sentence makes me stumble over the words then go back and see if I read it right. Here is my suggestion, 'Jake is the typical foolish boy, like most boys his age, with no sense of danger. (since you said he was dangerous/danger, to say 'Jake carefully' is not true to his character) Boldly Jake climbed until he reached the top. He started walking toward the huge house then thought better of just marching up to a giant's door. If the occupant's size matched the size of that door, Jake certainly didn't want to alert him nor did he care to come face to face with such a giant being. Heck,just seeing how big the crack below the door was told Jake that he didn't want to be caught. Regardless of the warning signs that suggested the being inside could be beyond dangerous, Jake squeezed through the gap underneath the door and found himself in a foyer as big as a mountain.'


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A writer writes no matter what so go and write something,
'
Dianne Lowe Breakfield
Poet
>>^..^>> In memory of kat
15
15
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A fresh pair of eyes can help us see
when we are in the middle of the trees.
An artist's friend is Praise and Honesty
So take my words as tons of love from me.
by:Dianne Lowe Breakfield



I am sorry for your loss. Tag: *Cat2* Tag: *Cross1*

It doesn't matter if you never met her. You guys had a relationship for 15 years. Rather you lived next door or had a, "21st century", relationship, it is just as much a relationship.

People have to have someone in their life they trust enough to tell them things and know they will not tell others. The internet is drastically changing social skills and will continue to do so. Everything evolves and changes as knowledge and technologies change. I am sure before phones and cars, when you had to go to someone's house to tell them something they would have thought that was weird and they would not understand it.

I wouldn't doubt it that in the future people will meet online, get married online, and have sex online without meeting in person for years. Just think about that!! I might would like that myself,LOL.

Anyway, your letter intrigued me, I guess you can tell that by the way I responded. I didn't see any mistakes in form, spelling or sentence structure so that constitutes a five star rating.


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


Dianne Lowe Breakfield
Poet
>>^..^<< In memory of Kat
16
16
Review of Nothing  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Delicious chills down my spine. You did an awesome job on this poem and other than the second line that may or may not need trimming, I can find nothing to critique. Great job.
17
17
Review of A Divine Touch  
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have caught the essence of how we humans look at earthly things to complete us. The following lines are a great example.

Blinded by ruin, for some cause or some curse,
When all we are seeking is a doctor or nurse,
Or an elite championship with an amazing purse!

I appreciate the manner in which you wove the lesson around to God just like your poem suggest. We always want Him when we can't find what we need in the world so we circle back to Him every time.

Your rhyming scheme is spot on and perfectly timed. I enjoyed your art immensely. You are an artist.

Dianne Lowe Breakfield
18
18
Review of Strength Escapes  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I feel pain as I read this wonderful poem. The lines:'A wish is whispered
and nearly missed." are pure poetry at it's finest. Those two lines carry a ton of emotions and memories in me. And, "Strength escapes me, like the mist" is perfection.

You did a wonderful job and brought the words to life.

Dianne Lowe Breakfield
19
19
Review of Strength Escapes  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I feel pain as I read this wonderful poem. The lines:'A wish is whispered
and nearly missed." are pure poetry at it's finest. Those two lines carry a ton of emotions and memories in me. And, "Strength escapes me, like the mist" is perfection.

You did a wonderful job and brought the words to life.

Dianne Lowe Breakfield
20
20
Review of Dark Delight  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Steamy!! I think you have done a fantastic job of painting a picture of two people really enjoying each other without being vulgar about it. Your words guided me through every movement, kiss and passionate touch and allowed me to not only see the lovers in vivid detail but I could actually smell the sweat and feel the sheets beneath my naked body.

I like how you got some of the words to rhyme. Good job and thank you for sharing.

Dianne Lowe Breakfield

I would appreciate your opinion of my love poem
 My Name is Love  (E)
A poem about how love can feel. Posted here with permission by Dreaming Big Publications.
#2103053 by Dianne Lowe Breakfield
hee-hee-hee
21
21
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I am loving this poem. Your humor shine through with every twist of your words and what you do at the end is priceless. Thank you for the enjoyable time and the belly laugh.
22
22
Review of No One  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Awesome!! I feel her loneliness and how invisible she is. I can see her perfectly in my mind and I want to cry for her. I can see her tears and hear her soft, muffled cries at night. This poem really grabbed my heart and won't let go.

I have always had a soft part in my heart and soul for the elderly. I must have looked weird to people who didn't know me as a kid and teenager because when I was bored at home I would get my mom to drop me of at one of my elderly woman friends house and I would clean her house and yard and cook several meals for her and freeze them and just have a ball listening to their stories of a time gone by.

I wrote several poems as a teenager about the elderly and have posted a couple of them on my portfolio.

I told you all of that so you might understand why you poem touches me so. I want a copy of it autographed by you and framed and hung in my library, that's how much I love it.

Thanks for sharing,
Dianne Lowe Breakfield
23
23
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Applause, take a bow, you have earned it. Every single point you expressed is right on. I have learned these things over the years too but I have never thought to site down and write them out. I love it, can I copy and paste it onto my facebook page? I would love to share this with my friends and of course I would give you the by line and make sure everyone knows who the author is to this fine and true list.

Sincerely,
Dianne Lowe Breakfield
24
24
Review of Waterless  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am chuckling about this, thank you for the laugh. You did a fantastic job on this poem. You rhymes are spot on, your style is perfect for the traditional style you used and the humor is really good.

I love the ending. I had to hold my stomach I was laughing so hard by the end. I really needed that lift.

I hope you won the contest.
Dianne Lowe Breakfield
25
25
Review of Head of Security  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I think you have the start to a longer story and you may have just posted a part of it to see the reviews responses. I don't really know but I feel like you have a good idea for a story and I think you should continue to work on it and mold it into a story that I know you have in you.

I am honest in my reviews for no other reason but to help the writer become the best he/she can be so please take my constructive criticism in the spirit of love and kindness. Just to help you get a head start on rewrites and corrections I have pointed out a few mistakes for you to save you time.

I want you to know that I love your concept and have faith that you will make this a great story one day.

"All the shoppers stay back" I am sure you meant to say "stayed back"

“Take him to Main Detention. “I will question him there.” You have a mistake with your quotation marks on this sentence. Take out the one before, “I will question him there"

"He called it that because of the hundred monitors on the walls surround it" should be, "surrounding it" But I think you can do more with this sentence and make it more descriptive so we can 'see' the room as you 'see' it.

"Just before entering Rogir looked up to see it’s the right door." I would change this sentence to read, "Just before entering Rogir looked up to see if he was at the right door", or something like that to make the sentence more proper.

You accidently left out the word, 'are' between 'since you' (very common mistake) “But since you in here I would say no to that.”

You left out 'dollar' after the dollar amount “She had over five thousand worth of jewelry when she left work today.”

I am sure you meant to say 'surrounding it' "Surround it were one hundred small squared Detention Centers."

Well, that's a few corrections to help you. By the way, I like the odd spelling of Rogir's name.

A writer writes so go write writer,
Dianne Lowe Breakfield
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