Hmm, I'll point out the one line that doesn't seem to work quite as well as the others because it's easier to get my head around. The line "Unbar my social un-acceptance," didn't seem to work, possibly it might work better if the word "un-acceptance"was changed to something else.
Right, now on to the deeper stuff. I absolutely love the emotion in this poem, it's something I can really relate to at the moment, especially the first three lines. I think that having the lines all different lengths really works for this poem, and helps add depth to your meaning.
Thanks for sharing and welcome to WDC
qaz4
P.S. Feel free to drop by my port, I'd love to have your opinion.
Aww I love it!!! Such a sweet story. I found it a little hard to read with all the dialouge, I'd suggest breaking that up into seperate paragraphs, and the slang in points was confusing, but I absolutely loved the plot, and the characters are amazing.
Wonderful story, write on!
qaz4
P.S. Feel free to drop by my port, I"d love to hear your opinion
Wow, I thought this was really well written. I liked the way that most of it was written as a flashback, yet it didn't sound forced and it was easy to understand.
Overall, I really enjoyed this, thanks for sharing.
qaz4
P.S. Feel free to drop by my port, I'd love to hear your opinion
Hi,
I really enjoyed the ending of this story. I thought it brought a nice sense of closure to the piece, and there is a real feeling of hope at the end.
In some parts I felt that the story didn't flow as well as it could, but overall I enjoyed the read.
Thanks for sharing, it's a really unique idea.
qaz4
P.S. Feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
Wow. I really enjoyed this poem. The ending was totally unexpected, and I loved the way he whispered those same words.
There are only 2 places I would suggest you would improve. Firstly, This is NOT a bad poem, so saying that it is in the description may discourage people from reading it. Be confident!
There was one line that didn't sound right, "Two halves equals a whole." Perhaps, equals maight read better as equal? Just a suggestion, it's up to you whether you accept it.
Overall, I thought this was really well written.
Well done
qaz4
I found this a really intreguing poem. It took me a couple of read-throughs to understand it, but once I did I admired the meaning. It's a deceptively simple poem, and I really enjoyed it.
Thanks for the read.
qaz4
P.S. Feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
I found this poem was really enjoyable to read. It had a real sense of rhythm to it, helped by the rhyming, and I thought it made it sound really good
One thing I didnt like so much is the line "And keeping it." It seemed to throw off the rhythm for me. The repetition almost made that verse sound like a chorus, but in that case I would expect another verse between the second-to-last and the last verses.
I really loved the line "on wings of angels, wings of gold." I thought that this whole verse is brilliant, but I loved this line in particular because it has great imagery, and really added something to the verse.
Overall, nice writing
qaz4
P.S. Feel free to drop by my port, I'd love to hear your opinion.
Hi, I really enjoyed reading this. I think it's quite a haunting topic, and I like the way you portrayed it.
I don't know if the last line quite worked for me, I loved the emotion you were trying to get across, but it seemes a little too drawn-out. Maybe it's just me.
I really loved the lines
"So easy to devour.
Please try?"
I felt like it was a sudden switch of emphasis that worked well.
Thanks for sharing,
qaz4
P.S. Feel free to drop by my port, I'd love to hear your opinions
Hmm, I quite enjoyed this. Reminds me of a quote, or more accurately a Japanese proverb, "The reverse side also has a reverse side."
The one line that niggled at me a bit was "But that's only if the children resist". There seems to be too many filler words in here.
As for the rest of it, I liked the ideas, and it just seemed to flow, when I reached the end, I was actually surprised and a little sad.
Thanks for sharing
qaz4
P.S. Feel free to drop by my port. Id love to hear your opinion.
Hi,
I really enjoyed this. It's short and looks deceptively simple, but I loved the imagery throughout and the deeper meanings here. Its the sort of thing I could imagine written in a nice calligraphy and hanging on a wall somewhere, where people would get different meanings out of it depending on where there are in life.
I'm sorry, I'm babbling. In short, I loved this poem. Well done.
qaz4
P.S Feel free to drop by my port sometime, I'd love to have your opinion.
I really liked the way you told this story. It seems to have a truthful feeling to it, which makes it very easy to read.
There are just a couple of words in here "goes" and "somewhere" for example, that I feel may make the story even better if a more specific word was used.
Overall, I really liked this. You've done a good job of capturing the womens dispair, especially near the end. Well done.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really love the emotion you express here, and the loose rhyme scheme gives you a lot of space to play with you ideas.
Unfortunately I found this really hard to read. I was distracted by the abbreviations and spelling errors, for example "ur" or "amaizing".
This has a tremendous amount of raw emotion, but it's a pity it's buried under the errors I mentioned before. If you proofread it let me know, I'd love to be able to rerate this unpolished diamond.
Done for the Black Case Domination Raid
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This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" .
I really like the description you use throughout, it's very vivid and really made it easier to picture the scene. I liked the way you had a context here, of diving for 'treasure'.
I thought that the first paragraph was a little long. I love how you describe the feeling of being in the water, but some parts, for example "water molded the clay of my body with its strength into a more graceful, happier form of being" sound a little overdone.
Overall, I really enjoyed realing this. It had absolutely beautiful imagery, and the story is sweet and simple, easy to relate to. Well done.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I thought this was really amusing, I loved the way that words had double meanings. I love the line "That little four letter verb is my whole life" and you keep the characters defined well.
I think it would be really good to hear his reson for not wanting to talk about the birds and the bees, this is the only thing here that is lacking a motivation.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing it and well done.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really enjoyed reading this, I liked the different examples you used for issues with spelling, especially the last rhyme.
The ideas seemed to jump around a bit here, which I found made it harder to follow. The subject seemed to be broarder than the title implied.
Overall, I really liked this. I have heard that a particular 'rule' in the english language has around 10 words which follow it, and over 200 exceptions. Maybe "I before E..." is this rule?
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really enjoyed the story here, I think you have a good plot and it flows well.
Unfortunately, the spelling errors, for example "jelious" and "imatae", and grammatical errors made it harder to follow. Also, the dialogue may be easier to read if dialogue from each character started in a new paragraph.
Overall, I thought that this had a lot of potential. If you ever edit it and want me to have another look, let me know.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really liked the idea of a muse as a specific person, creature or thing. I think that the personal example helps to bring out this idea.
I thought that towards the end of this piece the ideas tended to move much more quickly than at the start. Also, the paragraph about reviewing different genres almost seemed disjointed, and I had to read the piece a couple of times to see the relevance here.
Overall, I found this very educational, with sound ideas and some good advice. Well done.
I really enjoyed this haiku, I loved the words "blissful greens." This poem has some beautiful imagery.
I don't really think that the title fit the poem as well as it could, as you mention singing leaves in the title, and the last line of the poem is about singing bluebirds.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Well done.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I love the message that you convey in this, he truly sounds like a wonderful friend.
I found it a little hard to read, as some of the sentences seemed to run on, for example in the second paragraph. I found that this, combined with the many different events listed together, made it difficult to understand your point in some places. Also, perhaps listing the events in chronological order would work better?
Overall, I think you have good ideas here, and I love the way you describe the way your friendship has helped you. If you ever decide to edit it, let me know, I'd love to have another look.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really enjoyed this poem. I thought that the idea was beautiful, and I loved the way that you used repetition without overdoing it. It made the poem very effective.
There's just a couple of things I'm not sure about, in a couple of places in the first stanza, the rhythm seems a little off. For example in the line "And I will send to you the sweetest dreams," it may work better without the "And". Also, where you say "I will come to you, and sing to you sweet lullabies" I think it seems a little overdone to have both the comma and the "and."
Overall, I really liked this, it's a beautifully written poem. Well done.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really enjoyed the humour in this piece, and I like the way you described a specific event to outline your point. I thought that the artice was, in general, very well written and I enjoyed reading it.
There are a couple of suggestions I have, I don't feel that the bracketed sentence in the second paragraph is necessary, possibly the brackets or the sentence itself could be removed. Also, in the last paragraph you seem to switch tenses, from "was somewhat steep" to "should give us." Maybe "should have given us" would be more consistent?
Overall, I think you've done a great job with this. Well done.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really liked the last line especially, I like the idea of this poem, the way we should not forget people who leave us, and the last line sums that up beautifully.
I liked your idea of using repetition, but the repeated section of each line seemed a little long, to me. Maybe if this part was shortened it would be easier to read?
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. I liked the rhyming, and like I said before, the idea was very nice. Well done.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really liked the rhythm in this poem, it's almost tunelike. I like the emotion you express here, especially in the last stanza.
I think that it would be much easier to read if you used capital letters at the start of some lines, to show where ideas change. Also, in the line "to the new place you call home," "to" doesn't really seem to make sense. I didn't really understand what you were trying to express with that stanza, maybe there's a way you could make the ideas clearer?
Overall, I enjoyed reading this. I could really feel the emotion, and I felt so sad for the person in the poem. If you ever edit it, let me know. I'd love to have another look.
Hope this helps.
If you have time, feel free to drop by my port. I'd love to hear your opinion.
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I really liked the way you told this story. It seems to have a truthful feeling to it, which makes it very easy to read.
There are just a couple of words in here "goes" and "somewhere" for example, that I feel may make the story even better if a more specific word was used.
Overall, I really liked this. You've done a good job of capturing the womens dispair, especially near the end. Well done.