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Review Requests: OFF
273 Public Reviews Given
281 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest but encouraging. I don't believe in tearing another person down. Consider me the middle step reviewer; someone to read the edited draft and point things out so you can polish it then have a 'zero fluff' reviewer have a look at it and see how it holds up. I focus mostly on how the story flows and makes me feel. My responses will usually be long and detailed - hence the larger than normal GP minimum.
I'm good at...
Supportive feedback while giving the writer mountains of suggestions they can use if they feel are valuable or ignore if they wish (it's your writing after all). I'll point out spelling and grammar problems as long as the story isn't riddled with them (and I go typo blind).
Favorite Genres
Fantasy and Sci-fi are my favs. Horror, Comedy, Thriller, YA too. I will read erotica as long as scenes are relevant and not just thrown in "because" (artistic, well written and tasteful, please).
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Religious, Historical, Fanfiction, extreme rough drafts
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and books.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry and essays. Mostly because I can't really give good feedback on poems and, as a teacher, I proof read essays enough that my eyes bug out; don't want to read more here.
I will not review...
Poetry and Essays
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Dragon whispers  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dragon!

Here is your first review for Violet Vade Macum from "Invalid Item" 

This review is slightly different from my other ones. Since I'm going to be reviewing this three times, I've stuck to general pieces of advice for the first one. The last one can deal with spelling, grammar, and punctuation etc. I've also pick things apart as much as I could, so you would have enough to work with during any re-write/edits you might want to do.

*Dragon* First, I'm guessing we are gearing towards children's publications? What age group are you aiming for? I like the premise - simple, but with a message, and easy to read through.

*Dragon* The bad news. Well, not REALLY bad, but maybe a tad on the disappointing side. I'm pretty sure you won't be able to use the name Toothless in any story that will be published. Personal stuff or fan-fics are another deal but when we get into formal submission, "Toothless" and the character concept are properties of Dreamworks and would probably be considered copyright infringement. You're going to have to change it to a generic dragon with a different name. In your descriptions*, however, you can mention that it's black with big yellow eyes, etc.

*Dragon* There could be some more description thrown in there. What does Mary look like? Her mother? Her bedroom? And her toy? Be careful how much you put in though. Children's stories don't need as elaborate descriptions as older audiences.

*Dragon* I like the font styles. Much like the original HTTYD stories. It adds another cool dynamic to the story. I would make sure it's ONLY Times New Roman font though. I speak from personal experience when I say publishers tend to stay away from anything that isn't one font - variations of it are ok (bold, italics etc.)

*Dragon* The message - There doesn't always have to be one - but I'm guessing the lesson in this story is "it's okay to grow up." There was one conflicting line at the end though. Toothless said the mother thinks the daughter is growing up and that's to be expected, but then says "You're still a little girl". Perhaps there could be a different way to coax the girl to sleep without sending mixed messages *Smile*

*Dragon* I also think it would be safe to add a little more word count as to Mary's emotional reaction during tuck in time - it would create a better tie-in to her confession to Toothless afterwards.

*Dragon* And last, but not least, the concept about putting the heart (and Mary's love) in the dragon feels out of place in the story -- meaning, the information felt "thrown in" without notice. This kind of massive revelation (even in a kids story) would be better if we had seen Mary actually at the party going through the motions, then when it happened the reader would have a scene to think a back on. Here's a simple example:

Tony picked up the book and the book came to life. The book said, "I've come to life because many years ago your grandfather put a spell on me. And when you wrote your name on my pages it broke the spell"

... and all this with no back story or set up for the reader. It's also a quite a large "tell", leaving the reader wondering "was this information in a previous story I didn't read before?"

You could scratch the party idea and just have Mary pouring her love into the doll then and there (during bedtime), as well as desperately wanting someone to talk to, and the doll coming to life as a result, that way the reader is part of the action rather than just being told about it. It might also be a good route because every child has tried to wish and will their toys to life. Another good tie-in could be something like "how much love you put into me? that's how much your mother loves you. Don't worry" (not the best wording, but you get the idea). It might be enough to have the child drift off to sleep. *Smile*

*Star* My rating of 4 stars is normal for something that's strong in idea and mostly all there, but could use a little more editing just to make it extra awesome.

Hugs! And I hope some of this helps!

Robyn

ps. I have no idea what's going on with the colors. I just felt "rainbow" today. Heehee.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of monday monday  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2* *Monster2*

It's Monday Monster Time!


Hi Alexi I'm back for another review!

I snuck my way around your image folder and found this little guy! I've seen his picture around websites before and LOVE HIM! It pretty much sums me up on any morning, not just Mondays.

I've never been a morning person. I can stay up super late but it takes threats at gun point to drag me out of bed before 8am. Thankfully, I have a job that is afternoons and evenings.

Images are tricky to review, unless they are handmade by the member, then it turns into a full blown art critique lol! All I can say is I hope to see him around the site more often! I know people can relate. You could even make a monster collection for different emotions. Could be fun!

Hugs and have a great day!
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3
3
Review of Weekly Goals  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*BalloonB* *Balloonp* *Balloong* *Balloono* *Balloonr* A WdC Birthday Review *Balloonr* *Balloono* *Balloong* *Balloonp* *Balloonv*


*Giftp* Hi there! Bob the Warm Fuzzy and I are here today to review your contest as part of "15 Finger Frenzy!" 

*Gifto* I've decided to tackle contests and activities etc because many of these items are overlooked when it comes to reviews. So, let's get started!

*GiftV* Well, Mrs.StoryMistress, you didn't think you could escape my reviewing frenzy, did you? LOL. I spotted this update in my favorites and realized it definitely needs to be included.

First, the header design, like all your work, is amazing. I also like that you added a Subject Requirement - I don't remember if that was always there, but it's indeed useful and would certainly clean up the forum.

I remember this being one of the first "activities" I participated in on WdC. It was a wonderful way to take that baby step into participating in such a large, and complex site (complex in a good way). The gift point rewards are also generous enough that people who can't afford to buy gift points can still have enough to work towards membership upgrades etc.

I've always worked better under public accountability and motivation - Weekly Goals was absolutely one of the reasons I was able to get off my butt and do something more creative with my time. So, thank you so much for that *Heart*

*Giftg* There's really nothing I can comment on in the way of improvements. You've been running it for so long, all the kinks have been worked out.

*Giftb* All in all, a wonderful WdC activity and motivational tool!
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4
4
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonB* *Balloonp* *Balloong* *Balloono* *Balloonr* A WdC Birthday Review *Balloonr* *Balloono* *Balloong* *Balloonp* *Balloonv*


*Giftp* Hi there! Bob the Warm Fuzzy and I are here today to review your contest as part of "15 Finger Frenzy!" 

*Gifto* I've decided to tackle contests and activities, because many of these items are overlooked when it comes to reviews. So, here we go!

*GiftV* I love the image banner and event idea! It makes my mouth water just thinking about it. Yummers! Im also impressed that you got THAT many donations. It's just awesome. It might be something small, but I like your candle page breaks. Normally I would suggest sticking to a main color, a highlight color, and a "warning" color - just three colors that correspond with the image banner - but the rainbow thing looks good.

*Giftg* Now it's time to get picky! LOL. There was only one suggestion I wanted to pass your way - it's fantastic there are so many package, but it also make it really hard to find my way through the list to a specific package I wanted to keep my eye on (especially when I forgot the package number lol). I think one of the biggest reasons was the images. Perhaps putting them at the bottom - possibly with each one under a drop down menu? I would definitely keep the color scheme you've got going on, but perhaps leaving it to just the package title rather than all the package details - it would help draw the eye faster.

*Giftb* All in all, a great event with lots of goodies!!

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5
5
Review of 15 Finger Frenzy!  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonB* *Balloonp* *Balloong* *Balloono* *Balloonr* A WdC Birthday Review *Balloonr* *Balloono* *Balloong* *Balloonp* *Balloonv*


*Giftp* Hi there! Bob the Warm Fuzzy and I are here today to review your contest as part of "15 Finger Frenzy!" 

*Gifto* I've decided to tackle contests and activities, because many of these items are overlooked when it comes to reviews. And you asked for birthday feedback after all! I couldn't not review yours!

*GiftV* First, I love your Thing images! I had no idea you had so many LOL. Another thing I liked was the efficient use of font sizing. Many people go either too large, too small etc. You've mixed sizes to emphasize important information. I went to art school, so little details like this scream at me if they are not used well.

*Giftg* Ugh! The hardest part of this is not sounding like a teaching picking at little details, but I always like to leave something in the way of a suggestion a member could possibly use. I found once I started reading where the Thing images are, it felt a tiny bit cluttered, almost like some of the information could be condensed into one section to make for faster scrolling. But that's just me being really picky lol.

*Giftb* All in all, I like that the emphasis is on reviews and that a member must do a product review (something most people forget about). I like it!

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6
6
Review of The Struggle  
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Congratulations again on your Honorable Mention in the
"Invalid Item" !


*Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon*


Such a great poem! - going through the life cycle of our personified main character. At first I was picturing a flower, but then near the end, I pictured grass or ivy. Either way, I think it works very well. It could be anything growing. My favorite parts were your description of frailness and struggle (frail seeking light) and the last for lines (now humbled...). I also liked the repetition of the capitalized R in "Rapidly Rising"

Well done!

*Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon* *Starbl* *Moon*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review of Gift for Natalie  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Charlie ~ . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge and Ally Raid.

I found your short story folder and jumped to anything marked horror or dark etc. I LOVED "Gift for Natalie"! I also liked how you kept it supremely creepy without having to resort to the terror of an abduction.

It started out like a romance/drama story, but I first raised an eyebrow when he was nervous, but then brushed it off. When he "practiced" handing over the flowers in the mirror, I thought, "Guh? Why would he have to practice this after 10 years of marriage?" But parking the car down the street and the abduction kit finally tipped me off - so, I'm pretty sure I followed the emotional/inquisitive arc the way you intended.

I also went back and read it a second time, so I could enjoy the beginning from a new perspective (I think is a mark of a good write when the reader wasn't to go at the story twice). My favorite line was the ending. I don't know if it was meant to make me laugh, but it did - a nice "light" ending.

There wasn't anything in the way of grammar/spelling mistakes I picked up. It seemed solid. The only suggestion (and this is me REALLY reaching for something), although the bold line (the contest prompt) was worked into the story fairly well, now that the contest is over, you could take out the word black from black fog. It feels to ominous for such a piece. But that's just me *Bigsmile*

Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of "UNGH!"  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Angus . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

You know that little voice in the back of your head? I'm REALLY glad I listened to it... this time. I had been searching through your amazing port and started reading this story. I WAS going to review it, but thought, "I shouldn't touch anything more before the surprise raid." Woohoo! Called it!

This was another great story, with another great ending. I especially liked the name you chose for the drug and how you handled the contest prompt. The characters were well written, and I could definitely feel the tension. The dialogue was also very realistic - I'm easily pulled out of a story if the speaking doesn't feel real enough.

When I'm desperate for suggestions, I sometimes plug the story into editminion.com and see what comes up. It's by no means a "must follow", just a useful way to highlight potential issues so we can make better/faster judgment calls with our writing. It came up with 7 adverbs. This could be whittled down to 2-3 (for a story this size). There were also many passive sentences that could be tweaked to active. I would, however, ignore the "weak" words, because they mostly show up on the dialogue and that is complete okay (people talk like that)

The only suggestion I can make would be a tiny one - the revelation with the long ago love affair came out of know where - while this really isn't bad, you could consider adding a tiny reference to the face he knew here before. You don't have to mention romance, just a little bread crumb to tie into the ending.

Another wonderful story, as usual. You are quite the talented writer.

Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review of The Gilded Prince  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, NL* . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
A fairytale-eque piece with the theme of loving someone who is bad for you. This story follows an all too common type of relationship - with the stages of love, loss, bitterness, anger, mourning, and acceptance - but under the guise of something more story-book.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
There were several places that needed commas (for example "favorite forests" - there needs to be a comma after forest to complete the non-defining clause.) Careful with passive and adverbs as well.

I think what would help polish this piece the most would be adding some dialogue. So far, it's one big section of "tell" and could be broken up with some conversation. Granted, I understand it's trying to read more of a "tale", but without pictures etc, it doesn't work as well. The other thing would be to watch out for that repetitive language (charming, gilded were used heavily). Break out the thesaurus and toss in some synonyms, or even re-write the sentences so you don't have to use the word at all. It okay to have a little bit of repetition, but excess will hinder the story.

*Shield3* Things I liked
Fairy tales and fables (especially fables) are meant to teach lessons. I really liked how you used the setting, situation, and characters to teach this particular lesson.

Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review of The Troubles  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Frank . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
I spotted "The Troubles" what perusing WdC's wide collection of short stories, and this one caught my eye. Being from Canada, I think I was missing some of the local context between Irish and English interactions, but, that didn't take away from the story for me.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing

Commas - there were many sentences that needed them, mostly around conjunctions. Remember, if the second half is a complete sentences, there needs to be a comma before words like And, But, Because etc. As for the Oxford comma, people argue that it's a personal choice (or if an editor wants to skimp and save a little extra space), but I've always thrown them in most to avoid miscommunication (eg. I like apples, bananas and pears - this sounds like bananas are only eaten with pears)

You could also thrown in a bit more physical descriptions of the people and locations, as well as sounds, smells etc.

*Shield3* Things I liked
What I liked most was the combination of lush, sophisticated language mixed with a primal game of "I'm going hit your hands as hard as I can every time you flinch". I've only played it once, and that was enough for me lol!

an opportunity to rip his arm right out of his shoulder. (this was my favorite line)

Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review of Walking Tree  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, yovo . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
I peeked into this story because the title caught my attention. My first reaction was, "this is a pretty good rough copy" - and that, by no means, is a bad thing. It just means there are a few tweaks needed to give it a polish and pull it into the final copy stage (which we will talk about after) and many great ideas - especially the characters.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
First, throw in an extra space after paragraphs (there is a check box in the edit option for all WdC items). This will make it easier to read through. White space does wonders on a computer. Next, I would EXPAND. Lots of fabulous things to work with here: the story could be expanded, more action thrown in, more character development, the relationship between part I and part II. The other thing would be sorting out who is speaking - many lines had me confused as to who was who etc. Tack on some dialogue tags etc to help us through. Adding more details/descriptions will also make this shine. What does the boy look like? The birds? Why do we all of a sudden have water? etc.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I would have to say my favorite part was the "workout" from the potato chip bag. It made me laugh. My rating of 3.5 is standard for anything that could use a little work. It's by no means a reflection of your talent as a writer.

Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Big Bear . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
This is a very interesting story, told mostly from the perspective of Big Bear.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing

There were a couple tense changes near the beginning of the story. Since most of it is in past tense, you might want to hunt down those present tenses that don't belong. The other thing applied to the entire piece. Much of what was learned was through "Tell" rather than "Show". Perhaps if you expand the story (which I think would be fantastic, since it's such an interesting tale) you can focus more on showing the reader Big Bear's process of acceptance. You could throw in some dialogue to help this along.

Then, there's the standard editing packet of advice: repetitive language, adverbs, and weak words (like "really"), and point of view changes (it switched between the two characters a few times and I had to spend extra time keeping track of who was pull the narrative along.

she asked him what was his one wish (was). (missing word)

*Shield3* Things I liked
I loved the perspective of this story. I also like how it was left as an open ending. If you considered expanding this, I could see an entire novella, even a novel. I also liked how we could take it as either the writer's persona experiences, or just a wonderful fiction.

Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review of Christmas in July  
for entry "Christmas Magic" 
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, fyn . I'm back again to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
I'm really loving so many of your entries for the Christmas in July. There are some great gems in here! As for as "Christmas Magic"  goes, if I had to choose one word to describe this piece, it would be "charming". Well done!

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing

Garret, indulging his wife... (this sentence was comma heavy and quite long - to the point it was a bit of a struggle to read. I would break it into two separate sentences. Then, you'll be good to go)

POV - there were a few point of view changes through the story. Unless it's a chapter change or section break, I would keep it to just one person's perspective. Perhaps, the wife's since you started with hers and she seems to be the most "Christmasy"

Truck, porch,envelope, jar - all these words were repeated in close proximity to each other (it sounds weird, I know, but this was and editing tip passed on from a published author, who learned about it from her editor. I tried it, and it really does add a nice, final polish to any piece)

Careful of those adverbs.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I love where the enveloped wriggled. It got me wondering what was going on. I also love the description of the house - very beautiful. It was really hard to choose just one or two things to comment on, because I loved it all. You could consider expanding this a tad so you can work in more details and lead up etc.

Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review of Christmas in July  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, fyn . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
Oh, THIS piece I really like. What a great idea! The section about animals also made me think of a conversation I had with my boss, she adopted a cat a few months ago and has spent the standard level of money for food, vet visits etc. At least, in our country, it's considered standard (any responsible person shouldn't take on a pet unless they are financially ready - at least that's my opinion). But they are living across from a family who has considerably less money, and apparently they are really angry my boss spends "so much on a stupid cat" than giving it to someone who needs help (specifically them). Rolls eyes. Jeez, this family is NOT poor. They have an apartment, food, and can send their kids to school - all things to be grateful for. And instead of thinking, "wow they are really kind to animals" they get angry about it. Positivity should be on everyone's list all year round. Rant off. Wow, this entry really got me going - yeah for evoking an emotional response from the reader (which is always good)

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
There aren't many suggestions I can make for this piece - since it's more of a list and personal quest, rather than an short story (which I can usually comment on a lot). I guess if I were desperate for something to offer, you could put any quotes into italics, but it's really not a big deal - just a final polish sort of thing.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I love the "Giving back" and "Critter" ideas. So many people forget there are many opportunities to spread kindness though these. I also recently adopted a stray cat - in China there are shelters etc, but nothing compared to North America.

Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
Review of Christmas in July  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, fyn . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
What a cute story! It's the titles that usually catch my eye and this made me wonder what kind of vacation was going to take place.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
I have three suggestions for this piece.

1. Try to omit most of the adverbs (there were seven of them). It doesn't seems like a big number but we also have to look at the size of the story and judge the ratio. Substitute for stronger verbs and save one (maybe two) for emphasis, if you really need to.

2. Watch out for those dialogue tags. "Smiled" is an action and not a way of speaking, therefore we can't use it to cap a quote. There were also two sentences with "finished + adverb". Some would argue "finished" could be a tag. This one I'm not sure on. You might want to check. If it is, you might want to omit one of them so it's not repetitive.

3. Take care with those commas. There were a few missing or in places they shouldn't.

*Shield3* Things I liked
Aside from the location choice, I love how you threw in the real details about Hell. The part where they burn the postcards is very cool. The other thing I liked was the line that said there are some exceptionally well behaved children in Hell.

Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, kiyasama. I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge and Ally Raid.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
Ohhhh, I found a dark piece. How delicious! I'm not afraid to admit I like the darker genres, especially with a bit if "heat" thrown in. I started reading the story, thinking one thing - but I was surprised and pleased to see it go a different way.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
but I must be seeing things for he’s back to normal again (it feels like there should be some punctuation around here. Comma? Semi-colon. Not sure. Just something to help with the flow.)

The next thing was Death's dialogue. Hmmm. It sat rather strange with me - like something about the flow and, especially, the word choice didn't feel natural. However, this could be an artistic tool used to reflect his unnatural existence/state and the fact it was a dream. I'm not sure how this could be addressed, or if it should be tweaked at all. But, I thought I would pass that along just in case you found it useful.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I felt her occupation was a very appropriate choice considering her passions and companion. I also loved the surreal feeling you managed to weave.

flirted, courted and wooed it to consume me - This was my favorite line.

I hope some of this helps.
Have a great day and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
17
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Gentleman . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge and the "Note: 48-HOUR CHALLENGE : Mishmash Mission of Th...".

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
I'm glad to see you diving into WdC and posting your work. There's lots of resources her to grow, learn, or even just interact with like-minded people. As for "Day of Spring", some reviewers avoid short pieces, but if we delve deep enough, we can find lots to talk about...

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
Grammar and spelling look relatively solid. So there's not much in the way of technical suggestions. I would, however, throw an idea your way. This piece reads quite beautifully, and might be stronger in a free verse poem format (it's already pretty close to that now) rather than an essay. It's by no means a deal breaker, just a thought.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I work in a big city of about 13 million people. The seasons here are 1. hot and 2. less hot. There's also no identifiable change in the seasons besides rain and temperature. This piece kinda made me homesick for Canada - especially the part about the water. Wow, I miss the water. You're also not allowed to walk on any public grass (in the parks) here. I loved walking barefoot, but can do that here. All in all, a great little piece! It made me connect with feelings from home.

Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
18
18
Review of Dreaming  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Victoria Burnside . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge and "Note: 48-HOUR CHALLENGE : Mishmash Mission of Th..."

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
I actually connected with the piece on a personal level. My father wanted me to join the Canadian equivalent of the FBI. Yeah right. Thankfully my mother put her food down and said I could go to any school and study any major I wanted. I'm happy your character followed his dreams.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
You mentioned wanting to trim out some of the story. First, I wouldn't look at specific lines, I would sort through the ideas you've presented and whittled them down to their minimums. For example, there were at least three references to how much money the family make (through the salary, reference to parents, the car, and the school etc). All this shows the reader they have a lot of money, but you might only need one or two.

*Bullet* "No! That's mine! Give it back!" Andy cried,(put a full stop here, rather than a comma and make the next sentence on an independent line.) "Aw, he wants his precious notebook back."

My other piece of advice would be to have a read through the story again (if there's time before the contest deadline) -- there were many places that could have been "shown" rather than "told".

*Shield3* Things I liked
I do like that the ending was relatively happy. I also liked the father's character. He was written well enough in such a short space that I really didn't like him (which is good you brought out an emotional reaction from the reader). All in all, well done!

3.5 stars is my standard rating for anything that needs a little more work in the way of editing etc. Addressing the Show/tell issue would sky rocket this piece to a 4.5 easily.

I hope some of this helps.
Have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, 🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
I perused your port before diving into your stories and noticed you are a designer. I also went to school for graphic design (focusing on tv/movies/gaming)! I don't work in the field, but I still get to use what I learned for my own passions. Even without knowing your background, I can tell you have an eye for design (which we will talk later in the review). I appreciate the theme of this contest - most of my friends are gay/lesbian. I even have a couple of trans friends. It's always nice to see positive representation.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
Here's where things get tricky. I usually have lots to give in the way of suggestions, but everything here is very solid. The only thing would be the inclusion of the Special Prompts. I'm living in a different country right now, so I'm pretty oblivious of special dates. If I was joining this contest for the first time, I would be confused which I could chose from. Perhaps adding a small note to clarify would be helpful.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I really love the main contest image. I'm assuming you made it? I also liked the simple formatting - nothing overly bold, color was used wisely, and instructions clear. I also like the rainbow stars.

Thank you for running such a wonderful contest!
Have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!
20
20
Review of NYC  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Choconut ~ House Targaryen . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
This story was written for a contest with the theme "What a wonderful world" - I think you executed the prompt beautifully. The imagery was great and really connected with me. I too live in a big city (14 million people). Most days it's polluted, noisy, busy, and I hate it - but sometimes, in those rare moments, I finally see something beautiful. Last week it was a thunderstorm. Yesterday it was the sunshine.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
There isn't much I can comment on. The grammar and punctuation seem quite solid. The only thing I can offer would be addressing a little bit of repetitive language. It's really hard to practice word economy AND variety when you are limited to a word count for a contest. But now, if the contest is done, you could tweak it a little. The word sky was repeated twice in close proximity. I never used to think about that aspect of my writing before, until someone highlighted all my repeated words, and said her editor did the exact same thing to her. It was quite the eye opener! Thought I would pass that along.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I love that you included sights, smells, and sounds. I always find many pieces lacking with enough of that description, but you addressed it wonderfully. I also loved the wedding theme. That would definitely make any day beautiful.

Thanks for sharing, and have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
21
21
Review of The Urban Species  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Georgina Elise . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
The language in this is very well done - every word chosen carefully to portray a clear image, with no superfluous wording. I love seeing writer's who are good with word economy. It's also a pretty accurate view of the daily rat race.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
There were a few areas that needed some attention - particularly with commas.

(,)and cars start leisurely pouring out into the streets(,) - a comma is needed before and because the following section is a complete sentence. After the word "streets" there doesn't need to be one. The same goes for "As the coffee pots..." - before it needs a comma. Although, I do love the imagery with the "sing like a church choir"

I usually keep an arsenal of grammar/punctuation references on my computer when I edit/write - just in case I can't remember a rule.

This one is good for quick comma references.
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02...

You could also consider adding a few lines about how everyone worries about money, or how they are walking through clouds of pollution etc. Just a thought.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I love the language - beautiful. I particularly connected with the food section (since I've recently overhauled my eating lifestyle to exclude as much sugar and processed stuff as possible. I look at what some people are eating and think, "How can you put that in your body?!"

Thanks for sharing, and have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
22
22
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Sandra O . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
What a lovely piece - and so true in its theme. I read through it almost expecting a romance piece, but was joyed to find it purely writing and seeped in artistic expression. The language is lush and vivid - things like perfume and depravity made me smile.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
When I look at this, the language makes me imagine a free verse poem - you could consider tweaking the layout and spacing to make it into one (if you wanted to go that route).

There were a couple tiny errors that need attention - even poems need to follow "grammar" rules ... well, sort of *Smile* -- "I cannot deny her,"(full stop rather than comma) (this sentence would be better as two). The same goes for "indisputable temptation,"

*Shield3* Things I liked
"She is my only vision - such a vision she is!" I love this line. So beautiful!
I like the imagery that you (and many writers) are chained/enslaved to our muses. It's so true. I'm at my happiest while writing, but it also consumes so much of my life that it's infuriating at times. Then when I go away and do something else to take a break or re-charge, I feel very guilty. Muse is such a demanding mistress indeed!

Thanks for sharing, and have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
23
23
Review of Beautiful Flood  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Purpose In Pain . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
I love free flow writing! And as much as I say it to myself, there's really no such thing as writer's block or lack of muse - because of pieces like this. All we need to do is put our thoughts on paper, just get it out, and that's writing. I related to this piece because I was stunted for years with my stories. I realize I was putting too much pressure on myself to make it perfect - which we know is impossible.

The piece speaks strongly of the need to exorcise emotions and negativity in order to have something beautiful in the end and a lasting sense of piece.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
This is a tricky one. I usually have mountains of suggestions to draw upon and endless tweaks that could be made - things like omitting highly repeated language and exchanging adverbs for stronger verbs (which you could do here) - but since it's free flow, I don't see much point in editing it that way.

I would suggest, however, that you break up this piece into sections/paragraphs. Walls of text are often hard for readers to get through.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I liked the reference to cutting out tumors. Negativity is a cancerous plague that many of us fall victim to all to often. I also applaud your bravery - putting personal/emotional pieces on a public site isn't an easy thing. So, high fives for that!

Thank you for sharing, and have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
24
24
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Arakun the Twisted Raccoon . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
My comfort zone is usually short stories, novels, and the odd poem. However, after browsing through the HUB, I noticed the contest listings and thought what a shame it was I've missed these kinds of reviewing opportunities. When looking at a contest, I always go for the design aspect, since I majored in fine arts, digital design, and movie graphics.

I love the idea of this contest. Twist endings are one of my favorites. So, writing wise, this is incredibly useful, especially for horror/mystery writers.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
*rolls up sleeves* Okay, it's art time! Keep in mind, all my suggestions come from a critical eye honed by years and strings of teachers grinding design rules into my head :)

My first suggestion would be balancing the use of BOLD vs regular font style. The eye needs time to rest and the consistently strong font is sometimes hard to take in while looking at a computer. Save Bold for key pieces of information. Then your RED BOLD for especially important info.

Font Size - Everything is the same size. I would suggest making your headings around a (5) and your body text around a (3.5). This will help break up the wall of text.

Centering your section titles might also help.

Also, if you choose to have a specific prompt option in the future, make sure it's the clearest section of the page (aside form the main page image).

*Shield3* Things I liked
I liked your very clear notes on judging criteria. I also like the little splashes of color in the check marks and bullets.

I hope some of this helps.
Have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!
25
25
Review of The Dialogue 500  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, willwilcox. I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
I usually go for short stories and the odd poem, but sadly I often forget wonderful items like contests, pictures, etc are also up for grabs. So today, it's any but my usual reviewing comfort zone. I saw the tag for this on the HUB. I must say I love the idea! Dialogue can make or break some stories and this contest is wonderful opportunity for writers to hone this skill.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
There aren't any suggestions I can give - and this coming from an art/design graduate. Considering the design restrictions of the site, you've done a great job with the tools you've been given. I suppose I could throw in the idea that contestants should try to review at least one other item in the round (I've seen it in some contests) but that would be purely a judgment call, since it can sometimes deter people from entering.

*Shield3* Things I liked
There are two major things I look for (atheistically) in a contest.
1. a well designed main image
2. The prompt section of the contest to be dominant and easy to find.
You have done both very well. I'm especially happy about #2. It drives me crazy when I look through a contest but the prompt is buried with a mountain of other details.

Some other things I liked - the color scheme is consistent (from the blue/purple family), there aren't combating font styles, and the size of the fonts makes things easy to find, and the spacing is used wisely.

Great job!
Have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!
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