I love a good prologue. I use them in my own stories to draw the reader in. The only thing I would change is in the very last sentence. The words 'only seconds' I would change to 'a heartbeat'. Waiting seconds could get a man knifed in the night.
Great work. Reads like a rousing western.
Boundless soul?, Disembodied?, The Copy?.
My first impression, is a lab, perhaps with a fresh cadaver on a stainless table. The brain having been scanned of every memory and recorded, reassembled on the hard drive of a super computer. She regains consciousness but can only see the face of the woman who is attempting to let her live beyond death of her body. She's been uploaded.
This sort of sounds like the Johnny Dep Movie where he gets uploaded and loosed on the internet to attempt creating a new world. But that's the impression I get.
Good work, highly creative. If I were you I'd move forward on this, but take it in your own direction and personal vision for your story. My impressions mean nothing in the face of your own vision.
It is our traumas that form our character. Those same emotional scars drive the artist in us to break out in song, pictures, and word craft. I think word craft best exposes to the world the fabric of the artists mind.
Good writing, do more.
I have not reviewed many childrens stories but that is where I began writing myself until I settled on young adult as my preferred genre.
I liked your story and it flows well. I don't know what age level of kids you're aiming at but the only thing that jumped out at me was the word 'investigate'. That is a four syllable word and may cause some younger readers a bit of difficulty.
This is one of the most creative pieces I have read in a while. Really good work. Spelling and diction is perfect, so that means you took time to edit, or you were so good you didn't have to.
I think you're oozing with talent, keep up the good work.
Good diction. Well written dialogue that describes the everyday mundane slice of life of a boy who has not yet found his own direction. Saw only one miss spell. Keep up the good work.
Very well written. Dystopia at its finest, or worst seeing that dystopia is the opposite of eutopia. This is the beginning of a perfect story. Now we have to read on and discover why they saved the detainee. Why is this person important. I guess you're going to have to get busy and give us the answers.
Creative, imaginative, well written. For someone who is 12-17 I'd say you are writing beyond your years. Cudos to you.
I like your story. It is a hook all in itself. Why is your character running? What is she running from? What are her peculiarities? All these things are present in your first little bit of introduction. Please keep expounding on this story and fill in the blanks as you go. If you have to get bored to write like this, I hope you get bored to tears soonest.
I took the liberty of putting your character in the feminine gender simply because you tolerate your sister more than a boy would.
Yours is a good story line. The concept draws me in wanting to know more about what's coming.
However, writing in the third person is okay, but you are not letting the characters talk. Only the third person observer is telling the story, so far the story is written like a synopsis.
Go back and tell about why she went to the party, who she talked to, who was the father. Who does she talk to about her pregnancy, how does she feel about it all.
It is a good story, let your characters become three dimensional people whether they are good, evil, or indifferent.
Keep up the good work.
I think.......this is high art. Allowing that other you loose frees your imagination and the creation of your invisible worlds. I found that place during my high school years, and it's a wonderful place.
Very well written and professionally done. As a pastor, I recognize some of the wisdom of Christ in your words. The Apostle Paul said of himself on his path to an overcoming life. "I bring every thought under subjection." Of errant thoughts entering the mind, a preacher once said. "A bird may light on your head, but you don't have to let them build a nest there.
Kudos
I listened to this on audio, had I read it off the page I'd have never gotten through it. (I'm old, i'd have gone to sleep trying to take in those long scientific words.) Love sci fi and fantasy. Your imagination is way out there in the nether regions of time and space. I think you have the makings of a great writer so keep on the good path.
This is a good study on the Lord's Prayer, and well written.
I might add a miss quote in one part. "thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." Almost everyone misses that part. It is actually written "Thy will be done IN earth as it is in heaven." KJV
Genisis quotes, "dust thou art and to dust thou shalt return." In the Lord's prayer Jesus is referring to our personal earth, or our personal land of Israel. Which land must be conquered for Christ and the Ites in our lives must be driven out or destroyed. If we allow our 'Dust' to rule us we will never accomplish our mission of surrendering our lives to Christ. "If you love me you will keep my commandments."
Otherwise I think you did a bang up job. Keep up the good work.
Good stuff. very humorous. Reminds of a classmate in English three when we were assigned to write something, anything for a grade. It was our new substitute teacher filling the time. Jimmy said, "I'm going to write a story in pidgin German, called 'Das oldish oaken vasserpail", or the old oak water bucket. That crazy kid inspired me, and I ended up writing my first fiction short story. Got a A on that piece called 'Teenage Dating'.
Keep up the good work
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