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154 Public Reviews Given
154 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Red  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love your provocative and defiant opening line. It grabbed my attention like a gunshot, but I was disappointed that you didn't expand on it; the next few lines should have fleshed the thought out.
Rhyming poetry is difficult. It's hard to find a word that not only continues the thought, but fits in and develops it as well. Case in point, "aged cells." I have no idea what you mean by "an aged cell." It doesn't conjure up an image in my mind. I think with a little thought and a rhyming dictionary, you could have an excellent piece.
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Review of Bullying  
Review by Grampa D
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an important subject, Angel, I'm glad you wrote about it. My perception is bullies are insecure and powerless people who bully those who are weaker to make themselves feel powerful. They seem to enjoy making others as miserable as they feel.
What would you do to stop bullying?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Grampa D
Rated: E | (2.5)
Really creative idea, RG. With a little tweaking, you should have a winner.
1st thing I'd do is get rid of the 1st sentence. You should show the reader how awful it was to watch instead of telling her. The next sentence, starting with Bobo is perfect except for the words after "China doll sat." They add nothing to the story and should be retired. You might look for a more descriptive word than "sat." Perhaps "where she had been placed" or something similar.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good advice, J.A. I'm careful with my identity on the web and I've had no problems other than two different Trojan horses that my antivirus caught right away. I use Avast, Malwarebytes, and Windows Defender. I like Malwarebytes the best. I never open hyper-links. Instead I delete them. I don't get much spam anymore. My spam detector works very well. I have Scopes.com in my favorites and use it regularly, especially when I get the messages that warn me of some impending disaster, or tell me to stay away from doing certain things.
Good job on this, J.A.
Keep writing, practice makes perfect.

Grampa D
5
5
Review of Alone  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Bobby, This is a cool Haiku. I like the message, but I think it's a little wordy. I might suggest, (and remember my suggestions are my opinion only. You may do with them as you like.) in the first line, delete "see." Second line, delete "the" and "and." That'll reduce the number of words and put it more in line with the 5-7-5 format. If you want to make it a true 5-7-5 format, you might change "beckons" to "calls" or perhaps, to "waves."
Good job, how about posting more?
Grampa D

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Review of Dead Steps  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like the way your poem read, Lyons. It has a nice bouncy beat and an amusing message, although mental illness is not at all amusing. My favorite part is the fourth stanza, it reads like the sound of a drum keeping the beat.
The only suggestion I have is in the last line, last stanza. Something about "there are" grates on my ear. Perhaps "tiny" or "little" or "muddy," something that makes a visual of footprints.
Great piece, Lyons, keep writing, practice makes perfect.

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Review of The Home Sampler  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this piece and I like the analogy and how you stayed with the theme throughout the entire poem. The only difficulty I could find is in the last stanza where the narrator has been "basted." Basted means loosely sewn which works well until the last two lines where "the needle flew, tangling and knotting until I fell apart..." Tangling and knotting suggests tightening, which makes the last line nonsensical.
That's probably picky to the average reader, but I'm a careful reader, and writer, at least I like to think so. I'd suggest writing something about how the needle missed the knots or whatever proper sewing terms fit.
Good job on this one. Keep at it. Practice makes perfect.

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Review of Indigo Girl  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I would wager I'm not the first to say this: The story is heart warming, but too short and the events happen too fast to do justice to all the emotion involved. The last sentence in the introduction shows what I mean. It begins with a vague declaration, "At the age of three Angela became aware..." The reader will wonder, "when, at the age of three," on her third birthday, a month before, in the summer after..., when specifically, one morning, one night, where specifically, what specifically, did she realize? Instead of the passive voice, "became aware" write in the active voice, "realized."
And then the last sentence, "A moment later she detached." That's too abrupt. It sounds like you're trying whack the reader with a hook and I think the average reader will recognize it and think "amateur" and lay the story aside.
I hope you see that I mean to be helpful, not insulting. If so, I apologize. I think the story has good possibilities. For one thing Angela's talent should be shown with a few anecdotes and dramatized. I think it's a more important part of the story than shown.
I suggest you learn the technique of show, don't tell. That will help the dramatization.
Keep writing, practice makes perfect.

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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is my kind of story. Lots of action and drama. It reminds me of the old Mike Hammer detective stories with the tough street talking protagonist. Fun story to read.
I thought the pace was too fast; the tension wasn't developed. The attraction Isaac and Laura felt for each other wasn't well developed. It happened too quickly and was too intense to be believable. The "most beautiful girl he had ever seen" is cliche and therefore, boring. Make her cute, Maybe Isaac about to rob the store excites her. Get them involved in that or another believable manner. Oh and BTW, gas stations don't usually carry comdoms and if they did, they wouldn't be on the shelf in an aisle.
Keep on writing, Andrew. Practice makes perfect.
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Review of The Intervention  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Great plot, Summer, but it needs a lot of work. Please be aware that my review is my opinion. I give it to you free and you may do with it as you like.
I suggest that the first thing you do is go through the story and delete every adjective and adverb you can find. Replace them with nouns and active verbs.
In the first sentence "growled" is inappropriate. A man robbing a restaurant full of people is more like to shout. so everybody can hear him.
2nd sentence should be recast. He wasn't glaring at you out of the corner of your eye. You saw him out of the corner of your eye. Think about the scene. Would he be glaring at you? He has to watch everybody in the room so nobody can attack or retaliate. Wouldn't his head be turning back and forth?
Will is packing a fully automatic machine gun. Why wouldn't he either try to intimidate Median, or mow him down?
It's tough getting back into the swing of things after so many years. Just use logic and keep on writing; practice makes perfect.

*1755141*
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Kathie, I enjoy your plots. They're always emotional and interesting. This story has all the necessary ingredients, but it lacks drama and suspense. It'd help your story considerably if it were written using the technique of "show, don't tell." For instance, in the first paragraph, you told the reader what Beth did, but it was like looking at a photograph of Beth looking out the window. We can see her, the blinds, the sky, the clouds, but we can't tell what she's doing. You tell the reader she made a wish, but then in the next paragraph you jump, with no transition, into telling about Beth's children. The reader needs to be moved from place to place, scene to scene, situation to situation so she can keep up with the story. If you Google "Show, don't tell" you can find some excellent instructions.
"There was no hint of the fear filled day waiting for her." That was a fore-tell, but it was too straight forward, it had no drama. When Beth was looking out the window, you could have described the "critter clouds," but perhaps write, "in the distance Beth could see a low bank of dark clouds." That's all you need for a good fore-tell. The reader is going to remember the reference and wait to see what role the clouds play. You've just set your hook into her interest.
" Brian had been teased but she still believed in waiting to unveil her whole body." You might want to recast this sentence. It doesn't make sense. Was she balking at going swimming in the nude?
Last remark. The story reads like a synopsis, one factual statement after another. The technique of show, don't tell will fix that.
Keep on writing, Kathie, practice makes perfect.
*1755141*
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Anoother great fishing story, Butch. I wish you had caught at least a little bullhead, but ka sara, sara. I actually burst out laughing in three places and chuckling through the rest of the story. I thoroughly enjoyed your story, as I usually do.
Keep 'em coming, Butch. I like 'em.

Grampa D
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Review of Multivalence  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dan, I'm not going to comment on your theory whether I agree with it or not. Maybe another time. This time I'll limit my review to style and mechanics.
The manifesto: Do not capitalize common nouns. The description of the artist's role is a mixed metaphor. IMO the verb "exudes" is misleading, or misused. Perhaps "creates?"
Again, IMO, I think you should write good lead in as you did in "The Philosophy Born." The way it begins is like being thrown into deep water to learn how to swim. Maybe explain what you mean by a "true artist."
Frankly, Dan, the manifesto may be hard to comprehend for the average reader. Perhaps if you took the time time to explain non-specific phrases like "listens" with his heart, it'd help.
Perhaps you're writing to a specific audience that would understand, but if you'd like the average reader like me and other WDC reviewers, to read and understand, you might tone it down a little.
Good luck with it and keep on writing. Practice makes perfect.
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Alvin. Your plot sounds original and interesting. I want to read it when you post it. This is just an intro so I'll comment on your mechanics which should be helpful for your book.
The 1st part of the 1st sentence is not quite complete. It leaves a question which is not answered anywhere in the sentence. Were they seeking his wife and had gone too far, or was she incapable of traveling any farther, or had they traveled beyond where his was? This may sound petty, but it's the kind of discrepancy editors look for. You did well to present the dilemma at the first; it's a nice hook, but you need to make sure it's understandable. Don't use phrases like "damn sickness." Stated like that, it's the author's opinion and that's another discrepancy editors don't like. If you want to use the phrase, have Ethan say it. Then it becomes his opinion. The sentence beginning with "It's not his fault, mind you..." should be deleted. It takes away from the drama, plus it sounds like you the author are making excuses for your protagonist. In a novel, the protagonist should get no help to solve problems, dilemmas, etc., from the author. The protagonist should be able to solve them on his own or at least with some help from other minor characters.
I suggest you study up on the technique of show, don't tell. You can Google it and you'll find some valuable tips.
Keep writing, Alvin. Practice makes perfect.
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ernest, all stories are worth completing, but how good they are depends on how well written they are. A good story written badly is no longer a good story and vice versa. Your story is honest and sensitive. It depicts your nervousness very well, but it's just a tad exaggerated. For instance, your reactions as you tried to phone Susan. I can see being nervous, but to that extent? You described Susan as your "precious lady." Isn't that much endearment a little hasty since you had never before spoken to the lady?
This story has potential to be a good story delving into how frightening young love can be, but it's too dramatic. Ponder on how you actually feel as you pursue a young lady for the first time and describe those feelings without the hyperbole. I think you'll have a winner.
Keep writing, Ernest, practice makes perfect.
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I loved this. It sounds like something James J. Kilpatrick might have written. Here's one for you. It was written to review a 300 word, or fewer, challenge written in dialogue only. Total word count was actually just over 250 words which is fewer than the review's word count.

"While there is not much technically wrong with this story, it really doesn't grab me, I'm afraid. The spelling, grammar and sentence structures are okay. One minor niggle is the odd capitalization of "three o'clock". Anything else on that front can be forgiven as the difference between "English how she is spoke" and technically correct written language - one of the advantages of writing wholly in dialogue. The pacing isn't quite right I think, but it builds toward its conclusion more-or-less as it should.

It's not easy to tell a story entirely in dialogue and some stories really aren't well suited to it. While this story does have elements that might make it suitable for this kind of treatment, it feels to me as though there is something missing. What is lost in descriptive detail needs to be made up with drama, timing and character development. You have the drama, but I think the timing and character development need a bit more work.

To tell a story in dialogue well, it's especially important that the dialogue rings true. While there are some highlights here, there are places where it really doesn't sound right to me. For example:

- The radar operator's language is a little sloppy. Things like "I see", "or something" and "pull the trigger" strike me as undisciplined for a ship carrying laser cannons.
- The flock of starlings description is good, but doesn't sound right in the context of the dialogue. It would work nicely as a point of view description of what the character is seeing, but it doesn't sound right to me that its said aloud in this context.
- I don't buy the Captain's complaint about the sun in his eyes, or the "East" and "out here" references later on. These, like the starlings above, look like an attempt to give some descriptive context to the setting, which is good, but it just falls a little flat to me.

Some of these things may be just a matter of style and dialect. What sounds odd to me might ring true in Hong Kong, or Yorkshire or Hoboken, New Jersey.

Overall, I think this is headed in more-or-less the right direction, but might be better told with descriptive prose as well as dialogue. I would also suggest that you don't rush the conclusion. Take some time to build the tension.

Don't let the blob get you - it's still out there after all."

This fellow might have had some valid points, but I think he was enjoying himself finding fault a little too much.

Thanks for the belly laughs. Keep writing, practice makes perfect.
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Review of When is it home?  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful poem, maniedup, and beautiful thoughts. I enjoyed it very much.
Keep writing, practice makes perfect.
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Amen, Ladygrace, especially when she's a grandchild.
Keep writing, practice makes perfect.
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Review of Dragon adoring  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I don't think I'm that dense, but I can't figure out what the plot is. I see a little drama and a little action, but no suspense, no conflict. I don't mean to be unkind, but in a word the piece is boring. I chose to read it because I wanted to find out what a "dragonet" is. Did you mean "dragonette?" I was confused by the first sentence in the second paragraph. "Her skin is now as tough as her mothers, unlike when she hatched." When who hatched, the dragonette or the mother? If you're serious about improving your writing, you need to read carefully what you write.
This is a cute description of a newborn dragon and its human friend, (Melima is human isn't she?) but it needs some excitement, a confrontation, or a dilemma, anything to make it interesting. You've got dozens of ways to spice it up. Use your imagination.
Keep on writing. Practice makes perfect.
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a sensitive and touching account, Joel. You expressed yourself so well for a lad of twenty, or whatever you are now; I am impressed.
I'm a great grandfather. My greatest hope is that my granddaughter and great grandson are there to hold my hand when I die.
My only criticism is your use of "soothingly." To me it takes away from the moment. You had already expressed your love so it felt almost gratuitous to say soothingly as if you were directing the readers feelings. Also I felt the same way about "in a loving manner." You didn't need to say that.
Thanks for a wonderful, uplifting read, Joel. Keep on writing. Practice makes perfect.
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Review of A Sleepy Battle  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi Marla, I have several suggestions to help you improve your writing.
#1 Read a lot
#2 Write a lot.
#3 Get a good dictionary, a good thesaurus, (Roget's if possible, and learn how to use it in conjunction with the dictionary. Using the thesaurus correctly is a skill.) and a copy of Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."
#4 Learn to write using the technique of show, don't tell. (Google it.)
#5 Learn to write dramatically using conflict, action, and suspense.
#6 Learn plot and characterization.
#7 Avoid adverbs and adjectives as much as possible.
#8 Don't try to impress the reader with your vocabulary. Use everyday words that readers won't have to look up.
#9 Don't overwrite with rich or ornate prose (Taken out of "Elements.")
#10 Don't use unneeded words.
This is just a quick list, Marla. Believe me, writing gets more complicated. I hope that didn't sound discouraging. Half the fun, or more, is learning the mechanics and then watching everything finally fall into place with a well-written, well-plotted story that looks like a pro wrote it.
Good luck. I wish you much success. Keep on writing. Practice makes perfect.
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I once began to read a novel about a secret agent who had highly developed powers; not super powers, but powers so acute he could dive from a height and when he felt the ends of his hair touch the bottom, he could kip to his feet and escape injury. That might work in a fantasy novel where reality is stretched, but this was a spy novel. Apparently the writer didn't think or realize that when a man is falling head first, his hair, by the force of the wind, would be plastered around his skull. I put the book back.
The first sentence reminded me of that incident. How could String not be awakened by someone grabbing him by the hair and wrenching him to the floor? Why did you make a point of String being unable to tell if he were awakened by that or his face hitting the floor? I found nothing else to justify making that point. Then, at the end of the second sentence, you wrote, "knocked him back out again." First I thought String was asleep, not knocked out. Second, "back out again" is a redundant phrase. It's little things like these that get a potentially good novel tossed into the round file.
You have a good plot. Edit it, polish it, correct it, and then do it over and over again.
Keep on writing. Practice makes perfect.
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
ROFL. Very, very, good, Sonali. I love the voice in this piece and I love your sense of humor. As much as I enjoyed this piece I still have a question and a suggestion. Both are minor.
1st, in the 3rd paragraph you used "pitchy." Did you mean (bitchy?"
8th paragraph, matches has several meanings. I had to stop and think what you meant when you ran out of matches. Perhaps you could explain they're to start a fire for cooking so the flow of the story isn't interrupted.
You are terrific. Keep on writing. Practice makes perfect.
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Kathie, as a grandparent and parent of daughters, I detest pedophiles and those who try to prey upon the vulnerable young like your driving instructor. The only place they belong is jail, but please don't lump adults and grown men into one category and blame them all. As you grow, you'll run into a plethora of "bad" people of all ages and that includes women. I was molested when I was 15 by the mother of a friend. The point is people such as your driving instructor and my friend's mother are all around, but don't I don't distrust all mothers because of the actions of one, or even several.
You're correct that fear cripples you. It's a powerful emotion. Think about how people in power use fear to manipulate and control you.
Good luck as you grow and mature.
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Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Years ago, in the Marine Corps, we had a saying that a marine isn't happy unless he's complaining. Sounds kind of like Grandma. LOL Boys are boys. This was a fun story, Butch. It shows how much you and Grandma love your grandkids. As I always say, the meaning of life is grandkids. Thanks for an entertaining essay.
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