*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rochndil
Review Requests: OFF
35 Public Reviews Given
35 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to be succinct but meaningful. Nobody learns anything from, "Wow, great story dude!"
I'm good at...
Intelligent erotica, character development, setting enhancement.
Favorite Genres
Erotica, Furry, UnBirthing, related.
Favorite Item Types
Fiction.
I will not review...
I'd have a hard time doing a meaningful review of substantially M/M content, it's really not my thing.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Offer  
Review by Rochndil
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting, but definitely rough around the edges and rather short.

Overall your layout is pretty good, and your mechanics are decent. You definitely need to proofread! This looks like a first/rough draft, and nobody other than you, your beta reader(s), and possibly your editor should ever see anything in this condition. Appearances are important, and you always want to put the best shine on your work that you can BEFORE you show it off in public.

Personally I prefer to proofread on paper/hardcopy with the infamous red pen of death. Other people choose like different methods (reading aloud, showing to a friend/spouse/reading group, etc). There is NO one right way to go about the process, but you need to do it. Period. The improvement can take your work from the "round file" to being taken seriously.

Like a lot of drafts, this piece could use some more color, depth, and description. Being very short, you don't give your reader a lot of time to settle into the setting, which is a challenge. Writing very short but effective stories requires a LOT more effort than you might think.

Other than better background for our protagonist, one thing in particular that I think would help this story is paying attention to placement, physically and chronologically. Relate the progress of Remy into and through the hotel to the progress through his life, and I think you can build some synergy. You definitely need to have him APPROACH Starcose instead of yelling at him across the empty ballroom.

Below are my review notes, mostly little proofreading gotchas:

Review notes for "The Offer," by Blake

"Gold emblazoned tapestries straddled the long and inviting welcome lobby of the hotel." "Straddled" isn't the word you want here, a couple of possibilities are "framed" or "decorated."

"In the corners, bright screened TVs droned on with repetitive information about the current election season with no breaking news currently being brought to light." "Bright-screened" should be hyphenated, and break the sentence after "election season," making the follow-up something like: "There appeared to be no breaking news at the moment," or just lose it entirely. If it doesn't move the story or character forward, dump it.

"Pacing his walk, Remy had a purposeful meaning to his stride." Umm, awkward. You could re-cast as: "Remy strode forward purposefully, displaying a confidence he did not feel."

"Black greased up hair contrasted well with Remy’s light blue eyes." "Greased-up" should be hyphenated.

"Only the biggest and brightest starlets and connoisseurs were sent out the invitation" You could lose the "out," or just simplify even more to "invited."

"His mind wandered feverishly at the daunting thought of walking into a room full of inflated egos," I'm not sure that "wandered feverishly" is the phrase you need here. Perhaps "He did his best to hide his nervousness"

"Now 20 years’ old," No apostrophe necessary.

"their beading eyes" The word you want is "beady"

"Loud foot steps echoed the extensive gold plated hallway" Footsteps, and you need a word after "echoed:" down, through, around.

"I do hope you except this" Accept.

"His heart felt as if it would burst right out of his chest, deserting him and leaving his body." I'd end after "deserting him."

"the steel embodied handle" I'm not sure what you were going for here, but the word "embodied" makes no sense in this context.

"reverberations that lasted what seemed like forever." Awkward phrasing. You could go with "reverberations that seemed to last forever."

"Exceedingly deep,," I'm sure you can see the problem here.. :)

"come of a surprise to you" The word you need is "as," not "of."

"But I know you and how you operate," Should be a semicolon or two sentences.

"What do you say?”." Lose the extra period.

"what do you say?”." And again.

"As eluded earlier," Try "alluded to" instead.

Again, I think this has promise. You need to clean it up, and add in some detail where it makes sense and helps the story along. Good luck with it!

Rochndil, who still remembers the SMELL of NYC in summer...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review by Rochndil
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Good morning (Guten morgen)!

No, I don't really speak German, though I did study it in college - that was a long time ago. I'm impressed that you're determined to write in English, which is a confusing and inconsistent mess of a language.

There are a number of issues with this piece, both on the story level and, as expected, on the mechanical/phrasing level. Honestly, I've read worse by native speakers, so there's nothing mechanical here that can't be fixed by a good proofreading.

Yes, as you predicted, there are numerous places where the phrasing is either incorrect or just awkward. I don't know of any magical way to fix this other than to have an expert speaker go over the text.

However, there's a lot that can and should be done first. There's a concept that I was introduced to in grad school called "levels of edit." Basically, when you're reading through something to find problems, you can only effectively focus on one KIND of problem at a time. So, a good editor (or you, the writer) will have to go through a text more than once, checking for different things with each pass. A corrolary to that, is that it is often easier to see certain problems once OTHER problems are fixed, and are no longer distracting your eye.

What I'd recommend doing, in order, is:

- Fix the formatting. Add or remove blank lines to get the paragraphs spaced out properly and consistently. It's a substantial distraction to the eye for spacing to be inconsistent. The structure breaks down when the first dialogue happens. Also, decicde whether you're going to use V or V., and make it consistent.

- Think carefully about the flow of the narrative, breaking the story into logical chunks. Think about how you want those pieces to fit together, and how to move (transition) from one to the next. I personally found it a bit confusing when V went into an extended multi-part introspection/flashback in the middle of her conversation with Joseph, especially since that conversation never completed, jumping directly into the nightclub scene. If it helps, think about a play, or TV show, and how the individual scenes take place, are related to each other, and flow from one to the next.

- Finally, dig down into the actual text. This is the last editing/proofreading step, since you may end up adding, radically changing, or even deleting certain sections to fix the narrative structure, and you don't want to waste time fixing little details on text that's going to be deleted (or moved to a later chapter). Here, as expected, you may need some expert help, but give this a try: reading aloud. It sounds a bit silly, and may not work for you quite as well as it would for a native speaker, but it's an easy, and free, technique that may help squash errors that sound odd when actually spoken.

- Once you've done all of the above, if you still need help, get an outside opinion. Obviously, an expert would be the best choice, but (unless you can find a student or a friend you can bribe), it may cost you a bit for professional help. On the up side, a good editor can help you with both the specific textual issues AND teach you how to avoid them going forward, so if you plan to publish, it'll be a good investment.

Overall, I found the story interesting, especially the bit about Berliners (one of my favorite language stories). However, I had a bit of trouble swallowing the described relationship with V and Aida, and the whole "perfect pain" concept. I'd definitely give a bit more backstory for V and Aida (like you did with Joseph), and possibly push forward the perfect pain section to a later chapter once the basics are better established.

Good luck with the story, and thanks for asking me for a review!

Rochndil, coming in under the wire...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by Rochndil
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: E | (2.0)
I'll start by saying that I'm an ACOA (Adult Child Of an Alcoholic), and I watched my brilliant and capable father destroy first his marriage, then his carreer, and finally lose his life to alcoholism. I also have multiple alcoholics in my ancestry, and have been very careful to avoid that plague in my own life. I'm currently 47, and my dad only made it to 52. In less than five years I'll be older than he managed to be...a scary thought.

Now, to your story. Honestly, you have two big issues that need to be addressed, neither of which have anything to do with the actual "story" itself. Both problems are structural, and, unfortunately, if the structure isn't sound, the story can't be heard properly.

1. Proofreading. Do it once. Do it twice. Get someone else to help if you can. There is nothing that ruins immersion in a tale faster than bad grammer, typos, or editing mistakes, and unfortunately this short story is loaded with them. There are also some instances of colloquialism, which aren't strictly "errors," but it is always important to remember that writing, in general, is a more "formal" style than spoken conversation. In other words, you usually do NOT write like you speak, unless you are intentionally doing dialogue that's appopriate for the character(s) involved.

2. Varied sentence structure. There are exceptions, but most of your sentences are short and choppy, which is difficult to read, and also breaks immersion. You want to pull the reader IN to your world, not drive them out. Now, you don't want to go crazy with run-on sentences and smushed-together clauses, but a little variety is important for smooth reading.

The story itself is OK, and I'm sure traumatic for the participants, but it never really hooked me in. I heard about what happened, but never really felt that I cared. Some more introspection on the part of the narrator would probably help, and maybe some actual conversation with her and the rest of the family. Small daily events (the birthday was a good start) help the reader relate to the characters - like they were real live people!

Here are my specific errors and some simple suggested corrections. These are basically proofreading problems, not higher-level stuff like sentence structure and story elements. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Rochndil.

Inconsistent indention (P1 different than the rest)

My dad would leave for work early I[in] the morning[,] then wouldn't come home till['til or until] late at night.

I didn't see him much and when I did he was either past[passed] out or blacked out. [same thing, only need one]

He had gotten two more Dui[DUI] but that was the last straw.

[If he got] Five years I would almost be twenty by the time he would get out.

[If he got] Fifteen id[I'd or I would] almost be thirty[;] he would miss so much[,] maybe even my wedding.

With a good lawyer and a happy judge we[he] only got six months.

He told us how in jail the[y] made these burritos that had like[too colloquial, I'd omit] mayonnaise and ramen noodles in them.

H[e] also got his GED since he never went to high school.

With her crying she told us they found a mass in his brain the size of a grapefruit. [That seems a bit on the large side, since the human brain isn't much bigger than that to start with]

Me and him[We] would go to the church[chapel] in the hospital and just pray together.

He made a promise with[to] God that day that if God will save masons[Mason's] life he would never drink again. [The brother's name should have been mentioned when he was first introduced]

Most important[,] my mom does not deserve that what so ever[whatsoever].

My cousin tommy[Tommy] is falling[following] in my dad's footsteps.

He has just received his fifth dui[DUI] and that is a felony. [If this is correct, it should have been mentioned regarding the father]

My dad[,] [my] sister and I all[omit] were talking about his situation and my dad really opened up to me.

M7y[My] cousin tommy[Tommy] doesn't only drink he also does drugs[;] what I didn't know was [that] my dad also used to do drugs.

She was so drunk she couldn't even walk without the walls assistance. ["without leaning on the wall." maybe?]


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by Rochndil
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall, not bad! There are mechanical problems (aren't there always?), but I've seen far worse. The roughest part is the prologue, but a good proofread should clean that up.

Prologue:
First paragraph, comma usage is off, I'd add some and remove others. Also, dawn light usually doesn't dance, it's pretty slow and smooth (at least in my experience).

If her mother passed months ago, I would *THINK* that she would be moving on through the grieving process, but many people will take longer than that, so if it's in character, ignore this.

I've never been to Portland, but from what I've read it would be pretty chilly in the morning, especially in early spring. Details like that can add depth to a scene, if they're correct.

The prologue is a bit disjointed, but that in itself isn't bad. A lot happens to Brianna very quickly, so HER impression of the events could quite properly be a bit jumbled up and confused. What would help is a bit more transition on your part, as the author, to keep the reader up to speed on events, even if Brianna herself isn't quite as "together."

Chapter 1:
This reads more smoothly, which is good. The "picked on pariah boy/girl" theme is a bit tired, but it makes sense here. Society is never kind to those who don't "fit in," and children are the worst (speaking as one with lots of experience).

The thing about her hair doesn't quite hold water. Properly done, she could be any color she wanted with no-one the wiser (white usually dyes easily) UNLESS there's a problem with using dye...maybe it doesn't work well/for long with her? Looks like an opportunity to build character depth!

The three bullies seem well-developed as characters, even though we see them only briefly. Kyle is a bit of a blank slate (which might be appropriate, as Tierra was a bit distracted at the time). Similarly, Becky and Damenco are also a bit under-described. A little more would be good, but you also don't want to get into "fashion show" mode, ruthlessly describing every detail of every character as they parade past the narrator.

I'll assume you know where you're going with this story, at least in general. Taking a few minutes to consider what details you can add in the early stages that will lead to future revelations is time well spent. Even if you don't know everything (there's nothing wrong with making some things up as you go along), it's always a good idea to pause now and then and think about the larger movements your characters are dancing through.

I think you've got a good start here, and with a little care and patience will be able to continue into a memorable tale. I wish Tierra and Brianna well; Anita, not so much.

Rochndil, still working on something started 4 years ago...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review of Hot Boxed  
Review by Rochndil
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Overall, not badly done. Mechanically, very little to say, other than I doubt Josh was "thriving" at the end there. You might consider breaking up those big blocky paragraphs a bit, just to make it easier to read.

I haven't heard the term "dogging" before (sue me, I'm old :), but its meaning becomes clear enough from context.

Well, congratulations, you made me feel a little ill by the end - that's an accomplishment. Scat, vomit, and GS are on the (very) short list of "I don't write" stuff, so this is a bit outside my comfort zone. I think you definitely conjured a very unpleasant atmosphere (pun intended) in her car, though I have two small issues with that scene.

1. I'm no great expert on women, but I can think of many ways that she could have acted to attack, humiliate, and otherwise "get back at" him that would have been much less nasty and disgusting - two traits that the women I've known generally avoided.

2. Josh, presumably works out (he was at the gym to do just that), AND has a terribly low opinion of women. So, why didn't he try to assault her physically? Or just wait until the car was moving slow, pop the lock and jump out the door? Perhaps he WOULDN'T do that, but I'd sure expect him to be thinking about it.

Quite good, solid, and nasty, though I'd have to stretch to call it "erotica" (barring a fetish angle, of course). Good luck with it!

Rochndil, who will be driving home with the windows down...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review of Imagine Green  
Review by Rochndil
Rated: E | (3.0)
Overall, I think it's pretty good. There are a few mechanical issues (inconsistent paragraph formatting mostly). Watch the difference between " and ' characters. Mechanical stuff is boring, but if you get it wrong, it'll be the first (and possibly last) thing someone sees.

I like your use of color (or lack of), which helps give a visual sense of the world. There's not a whole lot to go on, but based on what's there I'm not sure I "like" your protagonist. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but be careful about alienating your reader. Having a not-likeable character as a protagonist can be done, of course, but you have to try to balance their un-likeable-ness with some positive characteristics or you may lose the reader's fragile attention/allegiance.

The brief piece does a good job at hinting at a larger world/story. I hope you get it all down! This looks like a good start.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rochndil