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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rockettgirl
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4 Public Reviews Given
30 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Peace  
Review by rockettgirl
Rated: E | (3.5)
You've picked a very relevant topic - many people feel this way with the war in Iraq.
Some of the rhymes feel forced - the "hate" and "late" rhyme falls into this category. For me, the "My God is it too late?" came out of absolutely nowhere. Also, the "above", "love" rhyme is very cliché.
Your metre's very good - that's something I've always had a problem with - I hate counting beats!
Good job!
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Review of Perfection  
Review by rockettgirl
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I think your story has a lot of potential - I especially like the dream sequence at the end. However there were a couple of errors.

There were a couple of places where the wording was awkward, such as in the fifth paragraph: "When sometimes during study hall she would join in, she was a the center." Perhaps you could say something like "During the seldom times that she joined in the conversation, she was the center of attention."

There was a run-on sentence in the fifth paragraph: "She would laugh and her laughter rang out through the hallways and her eys sparkled with joy." You should try to eliminate run-on sentences and incomplete sentences (such as the one in the 24th paragraph: "Like that he would stalk her and tak revenge")

In the 22nd paragraph, when Julia thinks to herself: "Whoops. Guess my reasoning was wrong." - this thought is a little unrealistic. Julia is a teenage girl, not a scientist - I doubt she'd say "reasoning". More realistice would be "Whoops. I was wrong."

When Julia thinks to herself "Why did I do that. Why did you hurt her." There is an POV change - the point of view goes from first person thought (I) to second person (you).

The paragraph starting with "So they kept swinging" was very confusing - mostly because of the repetition of the word "she". Try substituting "she" with the character's name. It is also a run-on sentence - try breaking it up into two or more sentences.

You have a great start to your story. As I mentioned earlier, the dream sequence is excellent. I would ask if you were planning to make this story any longer. What does Julia learn from the dream? Does she change? These questions could make for a much richer character.

Good job, and keep writing!
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