A well written story which builds tention to the gloriously ridiculous finale. To say anymore would spoil the surprise. Anyone in need of a quick laugh should invest the time and check this out.
Well, I for one am more bored responding to this than I was reading it.
A quick blurb about the fascination of boredom. Written very well from begining to end. The last two sentences make this piece end with the best laugh.
Take Cover! Imaginary terrorism racks an elementary school.
A very clever, well written spoof on the hostility that is American life. The attack on WIT (War on Imitation Terrorism) is one of the funniest mock stories I've read on this site.
Keep up the good work. With your imagination, you have a bright future.
Since you requested to look at the beginning in particular, I will concentrate on that third of the story.
While you establish from the first sentence where we are at, perhaps starting with a description, and then introducing the characters, would help develop both characteristics more clearly.
As the story progresses, it does so entirely through conversation. If this is part of the contest, then so be it. If not, more detail of personal characteristics are needed.
I feel you could get the same point across with cutting out approximately 1/4 of the conversation through this story. Use that space for more character development, whether through backstory, more reaction to surroundings, imagination of what's (not) really happening, something.
Again , a great example of what's wrong today. I can only sympathize with you as I am also a fan of all things 80's and have no desire to be harrassed by the "associate" that has over 20lbs. of excess jewelry hanging from them. I find it ironic that the head of Columbia Records and the greeter at Wal Mart are both "associates". Wonder if they have the same pay rate?
Anyway, great job
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