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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rustika
Review Requests: OFF
95 Public Reviews Given
97 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In-depth, wordy, conversational. I don't have a set template but I do try to cover plot, characters, descriptions and personal impact.
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Horror, Mystery, Slice of Life
Least Favorite Genres
Finance, Political
I will not review...
I don't have much experience in analysing poetry. Since I don't want to provide low-quality feedback, I won't be reviewing any verses.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Ray. Once again, thank you for giving me the chance to read “Revelation”. You know I appreciate your writing a lot, so going through these is a treat on its own. This review is slightly unusual, given that you have heard my thoughts as I read... But even if you know what I'm going to write down, remember that this reflects only my personal taste. Some things are bound to clash with your intentions or even the approach to writing in general.

To make a summary of my experience, I once again have been proven that you have brilliant ideas and marvellous settings. I'm always amazed by the detail you put into your stories. In this one, besides the dialogue that was crafted with a lot of skill (it had such a natural flow!), you have managed to create a strong base for a compelling mystery. I am tempted to ask for drafts of its sequels just to get to the bottom of the whole situation. The ending, I would say, was the strongest part. Most of the story was there to set the foundation, but once it kicked off, it filled me with anticipation.

Alas, some bits left me wanting.



One of those (and probably the biggest one) were the characters. Vern managed to take the spotlight this time. The unique relationship with Bell, or rather, his role itself was one of those reasons. Secondly, he seems the most nuanced so far. His replies, surprisingly, have quite a bit of common sense in them and yet, there is the love for theatrics and flair... which probably could be used a bit more. At the moment, I can only remember one specific scene where he just dove for it.

Bell, on the other hand, fell a little bit short. When it comes to childhood mischief, stealing cookies and avoiding bedtime is a standard go-to, and I believe you can come up with something more (the tea party had a lot more impact here). As she grows up, though, we learn that she stops putting up the sweet act, starts smoking, blackmailing, etc. This turn of the way she presents herself feels a bit vague like you have forgotten the characteristic rather than a deliberate change. She later even questions August's lack of interest in fitting in as though she were still trying to do so herself (well, in her case, it was more of a tool to be used). It's slight but feels like an inconsistency.

In general, smoking behind bleachers and listening to metal feels a bit stereotypical. Some juxtaposition could be more interesting than going one note 'bad girl'. This characteristic feels abrasive, “in your face” without much to show for it besides her foul mouth. You have mentioned that the intention is to show how Vern has corrupted her, but if it so, a distinction between what she could have been and what she is (glimpses of her full, deeper personality) would be nice.

Last but not least, we have August. I like the detail you go for when introducing him, especially that you later mention that he's not overly charismatic or noteworthy – the overall aura he has, not only bits of his looks. But upon the first meeting, Bell focuses only on his face. Eye colour, etc. If there is a reason for it, it would be good to mention that. Otherwise, perhaps a more encompassing description would be good?

I think it would work better if, when you edit, you would drop hints that August doesn't watch TV or that it's notable how he doesn't swear. One-line summary after Bell 'figures it all out' feels like a squeeze in (the same goes for the reveal about Bell's nature since she doesn't show much interest in other people, making the reveal not too fitting for now).

In general, August while has been introduced and established as a love interest, it would be nice to glimpses of his agenda as well. Give him more to do than just be a... goal.



When it comes to the plotline, flow (and all in-between), you had my attention gripped almost immediately. I enjoyed where you went with the premise, and small things like the prank Vern pulled on Bell made it all the better. Not everything convinced me, but then again, it's a matter of perception. Here are some bits that I wasn't one hundred percent convinced by:

When Bell entered the primary school, you mentioned kids that didn't agree with her getting some retribution – sour milk, foul stench, etc. Alas, it sounds more like a string of coincidences that would make them avoid Bell rather than comeuppance that would make them approach her and apologise. The causation isn't quite traceable. I get your angle but I'm not convinced. Sour milk is just sour milk. Maybe it causes rumours that she brings bad luck? I think you could make more believable connections (or reactions) here.

As a follow-up, the board meeting, because some children say that she turns people into newts, feels a bit off. Doesn't that sound like she's being bullied instead? Immediate attack on a girl that acts sweet sounds a bit extreme. Especially when everything that can be shown is circumstantial at best. Still, that might just be the logic of that particular school so I wouldn't call it unconvincing.


The pacing, too, in some parts felt a bit chaotic. Not all scene changes felt clear. For instance, when Bell is drawing a Cerberus, the initial impression is that she was doing that in the board meeting, ignoring what is happening around her. Only later did I realise that was not the case. But if so, how did the meeting end? The shift felt a bit too abrupt.

Similarly, you could elaborate a bit more in the scene with Astaroth. It's not quite clear what Vern is trying to do there.



With all that said, there are just minor questions or notes left.

• At one point Vern stops hanging around and giving Bell answers during classes... I'm just curious – how is she doing without him to cheat for her if there's a pop quiz or the teacher is asking her to go to the blackboard?

• You could vary the sentence structure a bit more. There is a pattern that emerges here and there, and it's a little bit distracting. Here is one abbreviated scene to illustrate it:

I shivered as the gust whipped past, salt stinging my eyes. Vern shifted to block the current, forked tail waving gently in the fishy breeze as he lay on an unseen couch. […] I asked, tucking away the long obsidian hair tumbling from my green hood. It fell out again, whipping around until I pulled out a hair tie and secured the errant locks. […] Moving languidly, he dodged it without looking. Huffing, I crossed my chilly arms


You tend to describe almost every action with an added -ing form either in the beginning or the end of the sentence. This is not always so, but when it happens, it tends to take over a good chunk of the scene. Keep an eye on those instances!



This is a long list of possible edits, and I do feel that the ratio between them and the well-deserved praise isn't right, especially given that I liked what you have written so far quite a bit. But you have asked me to focus on what could be polished so... it's on you, my friend. Still, keep up the good work while I'm lingering around to scorch you a little whenever you wish for it.
2
2
Review of A Trip To Nowhere  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well, that was... heartbreaking.

Thank you for your review request and a great read. You have written a very tense, claustrophobic and yet almost nostalgic story. And while it started on a rather slow note, the ending had such a strong punch, my mind is still rerunning everything I've read. I honestly didn't quite see the twist that came in the end. spoiler ▼
Nevertheless, isolation, struggle to survive by scavaging and hunting, memories of what used to be, coping through bad habits, and all that in addition to Vladimir's health – it was masterfully revealed through tidbits and hints and background details. You have great world-building skills!

Alas. When working on articles and stories myself, I have been given a few tips that did help me a lot (though I'm not always successful in following them). At first glance, they're rather obvious, but having them right in front of you somehow makes things clearer. And hopefully, they will be of use to you, too.

First of all, good writing comes on the rewrite. Thus the first – sometimes second or third – draft will have a lot of things you could and should polish. That's universal. Never let that discourage you.



Secondly, good writing is simple, but not simplistic. You don't have to dumb things down for anyone, but overcomplicated lines can obscure their intended meaning.

When it came to the current draft of your story, my experience was a little mixed because of this very reason. You have great visuals ready in your mind, but what went down on the paper was a little congested, for the lack of a better word. What would help you a lot is relying more on the context clues rather than trying to elaborate everything. Directions, precise locations – that isn't always needed as some things are intuited. Here are some (not all) examples to illustrate my point:



• “He then turned his attention to the center of the room he was standing in, and to the ceiling. The dim blue tube light shone down from the ceiling, flickering occasionally, illuminating below a relatively empty and clean space...” ─ From your previous lines, we already know which room is observed. Mentioning that it's the room that Vladimir is standing in is unnecessary. Similarly, since Vladimir looks at the ceiling, the reader deduces that the light is a ceiling light, and, naturally, it illuminates the space below it. So the underlined details become excessive information. As you trim it down, your sentences still communicate the same image but have far fewer conjunctions, prepositions and synonymous verbs for your reader to go through: He turned his attention to the ceiling. Flickering occasionally, the dim blue tube light illuminated a relatively empty and clean space...

Of course, we can also wonder whether Vladimir's attention was on the room or the ceiling – whether he focussed on the light or on the space that the light illuminated. So you can play with the lines even more.

A flicker drew his attention to the ceiling. The dim blue light illuminating a relatively empty and clean space was close to going out...

It's always good to think (even if you don't mention it in the end) why something draws the character's focus or what these things make the character feel/think. This gives the description of surroundings more meaning and shows how the character perceives it. After all, some might find the presence of electricity soothing, for some the flickering could be something incredibly irksome, etc. Defining your character through their perception is a great tool to use!

(On the side note, is it really a rather empty and clean space, if we have a kitchen corner, shelves, two tables, a sofa, a recliner, a chair and a lot of trash thrown around? Unless it's a huge storage-like area, the room as a whole feels quite the opposite. I assume you meant that the only relatively clean spot was the lounge area, but that might require a different phrasing. The detail gets lost between a few lists of furnishings. Remember that you don't have to introduce the space all at once and that some details can be mentioned through interactions as well. I'll talk about this a bit later.)



• “The man opened the heavy iron door with a grunt and a loud creak into the cold, closed-in room, with an even colder gust of wind chasing him as he walked in.” ─ is a similar case of excessive information. You can break down the sentence to lower the number of conjunctions. You can delete the phrase or use following him inside, or... Full stops make the reader pause for fraction of a second and 'digest' the information. So while long sentences can be super useful, vary. Mix compound sentences with simple ones. Trim excessive information. See what length reflects the emotion best – short, curt lines give a sense of urgency, long ones are often more relaxed.



• “Behind him, he shut the door, and with a quick push of his shoulder and another muffled grunt through his teeth, the door was sealed. He turned the vault-style door handle clockwise, locking the thick metal door pins in place with a final groan from the door.” ─ Here, we end up with three ways of saying that the door was closed (and five mentions of the word door itself). Once again, you can trim down redundant information since explaining that the door was shut then sealed then locked isn't an important sequence.



Getting back to the descriptions, quite a few in this story are rather static. There are some great bits like the clean sheets on two beds, the bottles Vladimir took out from under the dirty blanket or my favourite “While waiting for the skeleton, who usually took a good bit of time to play, Vladimir walked to the kitchen. [...] There was a small half leg of deer there, reaching near its spoiling point. It had been there for what seemed like weeks now, with no food harvested since.”. Yet, oftentimes, you approach the space or a character and provide a description that isn't necessarily related to the situation itself.

Would Vladimir focus on Dmitri's attire at the time he entered the shelter? As I've mentioned before, perception and reaction are often dependent on each other. And so is interaction. So Instead of saying that the man had/wore something or that there was something, you can implement those details as the characters move through the space. For instance:

• “On the couch sat a man in a long sleeve sweater covered by a windbreaker sweater vest, and atop his head was a dark blue beanie; beneath, on his legs, blue jeans and worn boots. […] His hands rested, fingers interwoven, in his lap as he sat, and as the newcomer looked down at him, he shifted his eyes to him.” ─ A man was sitting on the couch. His heavy-booted leg tapped in impatience – a thud-thud-thud like a dying heartbeat. The long sleeves of his two sizes too large sweater couldn't hide the pale interwoven fingers... or something similar could still mention the clothes but add a bit more about what Vladimir feels or focuses on when seeing Dmitri.

It's always good to focus more on the personal characteristics over the clothes unless the attire is meant to illustrate something (social status, emotional state – much like when Vladimir inspects his own face. That one was great! – standing out from the crowd because the specific look is out of place, etc.). Always ask yourself what specific details reveal to the reader. What is it about the jeans or the beanie that makes the picture of the man more memorable to the reader? Does it reveal his personality or the way Vladimir sees him/the situation he's in?

Similarly, when expressing someone's emotions, rather than 'he was angry/mad', expressions such as "Suddenly, what felt like a bolt of lightning flashed through Vladimir’s head" create a far stronger impact. You don't necessarily need to use figurative speech each time, but avoiding outright stating an emotion is a great approach and also reveals a lot about an individual. Some people get silent and stoic when angry, some grow red and start shouting. Those approaches are important too!



Some minor nitpicks:

• “He was short, stocky, and had an unemotional and non expressive face. He had rough stubble across the span of his jawline and his upper lip, and he appeared very stern.” ─ has a possible contradiction.

• “His hands rested, fingers interwoven, in his lap as he sat, and as the newcomer looked down at him, he shifted his eyes to him.” ─ Too many pronouns that indicate different characters make the reader question who 'he' is.

• You tend to use he noticed/focused on, his attention drew to or he could see, however, it's a good idea to make the surroundings exist without reminding the reader that they are seen through the character's eyes. If the character doesn't notice something, they won't focus on it. So instead of "he could very easily see many scratches and splotches", you could say "the color of the material was no longer recognisable over the layers of splotches.” and it would still indicate that it's Vladimir's observation.

• Try avoiding as since it is one of your "weasel" words that give excessive information as he walked/ as he sat/ as he turned tend to be already implied.

• When formatting, it might be a good idea to start conversation lines as new paragraphs. That way, dialogue won't be lost among descriptions.



Overall, that was a great story to read. The plot and the setting were the strongest aspects of it. Yet, it would be great to see more dynamic/interactive descriptions that would reveal more about Vladimir's perception of his situation and surroundings. While the worldbuilding through background elements was a good one, there were quite a few excessive or redundant lines that slowed the pace down (especially in the beginning) or made the sentences more difficult to follow than it was necessary. All in all, it's a promising tale about loneliness, hopelessness and limits, just needs some polishing.

Best of luck!



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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell
3
3
Review of Doorstop  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Doorstop is a short, entertaining ghost story with some lovely gothic tale elements: an abandoned manor, a tragic backstory that has left it in ruins, foreshadowing... shadows. It surely scratches that itch for a classic spooky tale. I loved the premise of two items that while should be a pair, couldn't quite match. spoiler ▼ Perfection!

On the other hand, not everything felt as well connected as this aspect. Personally, I felt like some of the paragraphs were rushed. While the plot itself unravelled smoothly, and the events were easy to follow, the presentation had some jumps that didn't feel quite as right. Let's take the introduction, for instance:

You set up the scene with Jessie sleeping on an unfamiliar bed, raising a question why, answering it – it's a nice string of thoughts. Yet, after that, we get that it's good that her boyfriend was there, but it's not exactly clear why (emotional support? Jessie is not good at changing tires?). Hence, the mention feels a bit random. It has little correlation to the previous thoughts. We get the first jump of thought.

After that, we follow up with the spare tire not being good. And while it's a nice comparison (good news – bad news), right after it, there's another jump of thought – the couple finds an abandoned house. Where? When? How is that related to the car's tire popping? Such questions arise but aren't answered. In the end, we see separate facts but don't get to learn how one transitions to another. There's the beginning, the end, but no middle.


Personally, I would suggest taking some key facts and exploring them to a deeper extent rather than focusing on a lot of details. Painting the big picture and then making some details pop would help more than creating a picture out of many small elements.

When writing a short story, Chekhov's gun is something to go by. After all, you have a strict limit of words, and so – things to focus upon. For instance, we learn that Jessie slept in an unfamiliar bed, but there wasn't much of a reason to make it the focus of the very first sentence. After all, the unfamiliarity of the house was not the focus of the story either. Similarly, we learn that there was no phone signal, but besides the one mention, it didn't contribute to the plot. Hence, rather than having no signal, it'd be interesting to learn why Jessie decided to explore separately from Josh. Especially if she did so to keep herself from feeling stress/fear. Her motivation feels a bit unclear in this part.

In general, her reactions are easier to relate to in the second part of the story. It's always nice to get a description that shows thought process (i.e. Sita giggled, her eyes flickering with glee. She caressed Jessie then toppled her over as if trying to protect her from what would happen next.) instead of words that summarize one's actions of feelings (she felt ___ or she decided/wanted/preferred that/to ___). Of course, it's not wrong to use these expressions in general. Going into the deep psychoanalysis mode all the time can become taxing to your reader. But a fine balance always makes the story feel more immersive.

Similarly, it'd be nice to get some hints about the layout of the house – at the moment, it feels like Jessie made a beeline towards the office and then to the master bedroom that was right next to it. The exploration (perhaps with hints of the house's history) before the discovery of the fishes could play a big part in this work. Yet rather than experiencing that exploration, we get an impression of Jessie going from point A to point B with a clear understanding of how to get there. And if wandering around the house is not important in the end, Jessie could notice the doorstop at the entrance instead.


So my suggestion is this – out of all those that you have written down, decide upon the key elements that compose the story and focus on painting the whole picture with them. Each should have a purpose and a reason. Why did Jessie notice the doorstop among all other items instead of, for example, looking at the photographs? Why did the lovers decide to murder their spouses instead of eloping or divorcing? Why did Dimitro's wife plan to curse the lovers before the incident? Once you yourself can answer every important question about the plot, you can string everything with more ease, knowing what is needed and what is only flavour text or extra information (which can be nice, just shouldn't be overdone).

Overall, it was a very enjoyable read with a great premise. However, a bit of polishing to make the most important parts stand out should be done. Clearer transitions a bit more focus on the reason why you mention something could make it shine. Enjoy every bit of it, don't rush to 'the good part' (since all of it is good!), and the reader will as well.


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell
4
4
Review of At The Door  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
What a curious little story. Just a few minutes pass while the plot unravels, and yet these few minutes manage to pack a surprising amount of tension. All we have are some suspicious knocks and being home alone. And that's enough – the reader is pulled into a tale with many possibilities.

It's quite easy to imagine how staying alone can feed your imagination until you're ready to either flee or fight with all you have. And if there's a suspicious sound, all reason can go out of the window. After all, can it be mere paranoia if you have physical evidence of an intruder? And so, the way Sarah reacts feels quite relatable. If you're all alone and expect no one to come and help you, there's nothing else you can do but face the music in one way or another.

I quite liked Sarah's improvised weapon – it showed her creativity and quick reaction. And so, personally, I think I would have enjoyed the focus on it instead of the upgrade into something more common. Perhaps the feel of the metal or holding something in the hand at all ─ expressing how it affected Sarah in a bit more detail not only could be a fun aspect to explore, it also might put more significance to her actions.

In general, the story had a great buildup and some fun flavour text – from talking about possible visitors and outcomes to Sarah's fondness of headphones. The flow was quite smooth, though the ending statement (as charming as it was) took me by surprise, and the third paragraph seemed a bit abrupt. Perhaps describing how the intrusive sound cut through the private sound bubble that the headphones had created could have tied the topics a bit better instead of mentioning the knocks after the abrupt talk about general paranoia.

Nevertheless, the story had some charming moments. Lines such as “the door is the portal to the outside, and that outside is unknown and awful” added some nice flavour. Alas, there were a few run-on sentences or those with a confusing choice of words/structure:

• Anyone who grew up in a city or simply was raised by paranoid people like Sarah here knows that there's always some amount of anxiety when there's a knock on your door. / No reason, or at least there's no one story of the time someone knocked on the door and she saw the devil himself standing there or anything so awful. ─ Such sentences feel wordy and rather confusing. Sometimes splitting the sentences or finding shorter phrases might work in your favour.

• Too human and regular for an animal even if she had one, too distinct to be nothing. ─ This lacks clarity. The impression is the sound is an animal, not caused by an animal. Hence: for an animal to make or for it to be an animal knocking something over, etc. would work better.

The mix of past and present tenses (the swearing comes out, the aggression is out to play, and the paranoia creeped [crept] into the room the moment the door was touched.) and overlooked misspellings (tendency to assume the worst of others means it's engrained [ingrained] / he went to his friends [friend's] house / She knew she liked it's [its] sharpness for a reason / Windows in tact [intact]...) did draw attention from the content, but there's nothing so severe a moment taken to proofread the story wouldn't fix.

Overall, it was an intriguing little story about rational fears growing into irrational ones, of quick reactions and slow-coming afterthoughts. It was a fun ride, though not without its bumps. Alas, with a bit of polishing and cleaning up, it could end up as a very entertaining short tale.

Best of luck with your future projects.


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell
5
5
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, thesuperpapagai ,

Thank you for the review request, and once again sorry for delivering my feedback this late. Hopefully, what I've got for you will be worth the wait.

After reading this script I can't help but send my praise for the two main characters. Both Gwen and Suzy have a captivating liveliness and interesting quirks. In fact, I think I got a little of their energy transferred to myself (these two got a sugar rush, no doubt. Especially with how much ice cream, chocolate and whatnot they got to eat!). The fact that their peculiar speech patterns add to their personalities is a small yet important detail. Though we didn't get to properly get acquainted with these sisters yet (more about it later), they do hold a great potential.

Personally, the most captivating part about this script was how you showed some background information through little details such as “The source of her amazement, this time, are the brightly colored promotional posters filling the dark room. They contain images of happy people carrying assault rifles and phrases...” That's some good story-telling through the background visuals. On the other hand, I do wish you used this tool more often. Let me illustrate it with an example.

When it comes to the details that you present, some portions could use some more 'show' instead of 'tell'. You have got a fun and adventurous concept in mind, and yet, instead of seeing it unravel, we're often presented with people sitting and talking about it. In general, a good portion of the dialogue is used for exposition (even telling the reader/viewer what emotion the character is feeling: “Why are you so happy?” // “What's with you and happiness?”) which might end up dragging the plot.

“Suzy, why are you trying to buy really big companies...?” // “Ooh, I gotta do my super- important training.” // “Hey, Ms. Fluffy, isn't that Willis's room?” “Aw! He's not here.” mostly informs us about the situation through character's voices (in this case, while they're eating) as well as serve as a recap/extra explanation (“If you really wanna know, I just got a super cool new job.” “Wait, are you working as a--?” “I mean, you literally get to crush the competition.”) which in such a short work isn't necessary.

Rather than being told that the girls are unusually capable, it would be good to learn that through their actions instead of dialogue alone (after all, it was impressive to see that Gwen knows how to use a gun. It also raises the intrigue – where did she learn that?). Otherwise, the scenes might not end up as convincing as you're aiming them to be. For instance, let's take a look at the second scene:

She pulls out her cheese-dust covered resume. → Bob is shocked. He glances away from the free entertainment to take a peak [peek] at her resume and is surprised by how impressive it actually is. → BOB I'm not wasting my life waiting for a good applicant.

In the end, we're told that a fifteen-year-old girl has an impressive resume. Hence, we're told that she's great for the job of a hitman (though Bob's talk to himself contradicts it which is a little confusing). However, there's nothing the viewer/reader learns to back that fact up. Unless we see something that convinces your audience, we only know that a random teenager was hired for a dangerous job, but we can't quite understand why it is so. She's quirky, yes, but that's not the reason Bob makes his choice to hire Gwen. perhaps she shows a clear gap between herself and other applicants? Maybe it might be fun to play with the others' resumes somewhere in the background?

Regarding the execution itself, I'd like to draw your attention to the way you set the scene and translate the situation into visuals. While some of the scenes (such as the talk with the police officer. Suzy's nervous giggle was really cute) were easy to follow and let us imagine the characters' actions vividly, some would require a bit more attention.

Some of the phrases have left me slightly dubious. Since the setting descriptions are meant to give a clear visual, phrases such as “GWEN (15) stands in the middle, wearing [...] a super-duper excited smile” don't seem to serve their purpose that well.

What is a super-duper excited smile? Given that it's just the beginning of the scene, we're not that familiar with Gwen to decipher such nuances based on her characteristics either. Hence, niche colloquialism would be better if restricted to dialogue alone. Instructions on the setting and character appearance should remain more universal.

Similarly, “Gwen halts her pursuit. It dawns on her that she's distracted herself, again. She shakes her head like a dog to regain focus, pulls her head up high and walks down the splinter-filled stairs.” can also raise some questions. For instance, let's ask ourselves how does “It dawns on her that she's distracted herself, again” translate to the screen?

When working on the action and the setting, remember that a novel narrative and a scrip narrative are not the same. While one can dwell on the inner world with ease, the other one should focus on the presentation of that world on the outside or at least not mix it with the detailed action at the same time. Otherwise, we get a mashup of very detailed instructions (such as shaking her head like a dog) and very vague ones (she realises that she has done something again) that can hindrance each other. When both approaches are condensed into one short scene, that can become a difficult puzzle to sort rather than a smooth guideline.

Hopefully, my critique will serve as some useful highlights instead of sounding scathing. You do have the ability and mind to create something highly entertaining. All that's needed is brushing up and some scenes getting clearer purpose (compared to being recaps or sum-ups). Keep on writing!

I'm always open for post-review discussion if you have any questions or comments to share.


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell
6
6
Review of Oubliette  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I'll share a secret. In the past month, after reading quite a few short works, this one remained in my memory as one of the favourites. Some time has passed since I've first read this work, but now is the time as good as any to share the impressions with you.

I think what I'd consider the strongest part of this story is the mood and the rapid yet smooth progression from clear reality to the feverish play of the mind. William isn't a character whose personality you should turn to or even the reasons why he got into the predicament he's in (though I admit, I'm curious about that part). It's his memories and perception that make "Oubliette" so worth a read. I loved “A vision, I realise” becomes “I hold on to sanity and refuse to acknowledge the voice” and gradually shifts to a plain “I am seated on a throne when I awake.” You can almost spot the exact moment when the illusions become his reality... Is it odd that I really liked the pig? I really liked the pig.

The idea of using an oubliette as the setting is worth separate praise. Personally, I'm always impressed when I get to learn a little bit about the odd or unique tidbits of history, and implementing these into a story can bring some very unique results. Not only do we learn something intriguing and real, but in this specific case, there's also limited space, limited actions, limited characters – with so many limits, the creativity shows itself in the best ways. The focus on the character's mind leaves a strong impression.

I only wish that the strong play with the mind was accompanied with some more outer stimuli not only the hunger, loneliness and lack of vision. Certainly, we get the damp wall, the bones, the deep darkness. But the darkness heightens other senses. I keep wondering about the smell. Would there be only clean bones around? That's the impression we get, but common sense says that it cannot be. Would there be no echo? The stench of death? Playing with repulsion probably wouldn't be the best way, but seeing how these senses that come from reality (not only memories or thoughts) mix with the fantasy might add one more layer to this insanity. After all, they do say that the most believable lies are mixed with the truth...

That aside, there were just a couple of nitpicks that were more based on personal preferences than anything else. Take them or leave them, the way you choose to polish this story is entirely up to you.

• My hand tests the pain and discovers a lump on my forehead where I must have been struck. ─ these expressions often leave me conflicted. In cases such as “My legs carried me along the way, but my mind was still within the house” shows the detachment, and it seems rather fitting. In this specific case, why is the hand that tests and not the person? The choice to focus on the hand (or another specific body part) can be a little bit confusing if it has no meaning besides varying the sentences.

• It seems I’ve been in a coma. ─ This choice of a word also seems a little bit peculiar. The character has been unconscious for a while, but with no way to tell the time and circumstances, when William is clearly lost, the word 'coma' feels a little too specific.

• In general, some of the sentences feel like they could be rewritten to focus on the surroundings instead of the fact that William senses them (As I watch, it becomes brighter and suddenly I see... At the same time I hear a crunch (a crunch echoes) as my foot steps upon something...). The I-me-my can get a little overpowering in some paragraphs. Just like in the first note, the choice of focus can do a lot when it comes to both expression of the events and the structure of the sentences.

But these little nitpicks aside, the unique idea, the interesting focus and the great pacing have been mixed into an incredibly interesting tale. It doesn't dramatize anything, it doesn't shock you with sudden horror, but it plays with the mind, uses wit and good timing to make a dark tale worth remembering for a long while. Each of the illusion we see strengthen each other, pushing us deeper and deeper... but is there a reason to resist?

Amazing job!
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7
Review of Dolphin Pool  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Reading “Dolphin Pool” with woollen socks still an optional part of clothing, this was an especially nostalgic trip. I love the way our narrator introduced the day: how familiar the gleeful shouts of children, the scent of heated pavement and the relieving occasional breeze was. The story was incredibly vivid, tickling every sense with the right words. It brought me back right to the times when we'd take similar trips to the lake in the neighbourhood.

I daresay my favourite part was the ending, the comparison of that warm childhood memory to the fresher ones. The inevitable changes we have to face when growing up and the passage of time itself felt incredibly relatable. It's bittersweet, sad even, but knowing that the memories remain despite the place itself being gone is some sort of consolation, isn't it? This was beautifully done!

The only dissatisfaction, let's say, for me would be how transitional the work felt. While it's only a memory and not all details would remain clear, sometimes the scenes felt aimless, waiting to “get to the point.” For instance, “Once I finished my lunch, I set out to see if my brother and sister wanted to go swimming too. It was almost pointless to ask them, of course, they were going to go too. I could feel my excitement build inside me as I thought about the fun that we were going to have at the pool!
A little while later, I heard my Mom call, "Are you ready?" ” didn't covey much. The narrator goes to do something, but then we immediately jump to 'a while later', and the reader is left questioning why it's mentioned at all. We don't learn anything about the characters or their interaction, and it has already been established that all siblings are supposed to be going on the trip.

So in the end, we get the introduction that promises the day at the pool, the trip there and the stay itself. But besides the dialogue in the kitchen, most of it ends up summarized. The stay is “Us kids spent most of our time playing in the pool. That usually consisted of jumping off the diving board, [...] As the evening approached, Mom would call out "Okay kids, it's about that time!" ” We have so much anticipation built up (even the title contributes), but we end up not quite certain what about that pool visit was a change from the “usually consisted of”? You have Kevin and Kelly introduced in this story, so perhaps their deeper involvement could add to it? After all, besides saying, "Awesome!" they didn't contribute much... A couple more “real-time” moments with or without them would a pleasant addition.

Regarding the execution itself, I could only commend you. The story was clear and easy to follow. The inconsistency when using indents made the work look a bit messy, but otherwise, there were just a couple of overlooked hiccups:

• Dialogue punctuation occasionally was amiss (i.e. "Why don't you go see if Kevin and Kelly want to go too.[,]" Mom [mom] replied. )
• There were some slip-us with the tenses in a story that is mostly written in the past tense (We all reply [replied] in sequence / ...that I know [knew] of is [was] at the school, which was several miles away. – he/she knew at that time.)
• Lastly, there was a part when “as” felt overused. (When lunchtime came around Mom asked, as she was rinsing the grape jelly off a knife […] I said as I started to get out of my chair. [...] she said as she was rounding the counter and extending the PB&J in my direction.)

For me, personally, those were the most distracting bits. Of course, you can edit and polish any work till the end of time, and each person will point out different aspects, choices of words, etc. etc. So take what you consider useful and leave the rest. I'm but one of the many readers with different opinions...

Overall, this was a brief nostalgic trip to childhood, to the summer, to the most carefree time of our lives. It's a sweet short story, full of scents, sounds and the feeling of the sun on the skin that probably everyone misses now and then... And, oh, It's good to be back even if just for a couple of minutes. Thank you for sharing this!

Review written in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
8
8
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What a picturesque tale! As I read this story, each and every movement flashed in front of my eyes, accompanied by the distant sounds of a raging battle. The story is quick to impress with its descriptions and detailed character design. The Black Queen surely lived up to her name.

Perhaps not entirely convinced by some of the decisions the characters made or their reasoning (such as the romantic side of the work since comradeship, understanding and interlinked fate felt more prominent than the need to kiss while one of the party didn't even know about the other's existence half an hour ago), I was thoroughly immersed by the backstories and motivations you have managed to compact into this short work. Not only the lore without feeling overdone. The dark grey reality also serves its purpose – neither side is right or wrong, neither is good or completely bad. The different perspectives of the fights from the people who're on the same side gave both of them a chance to grow in a short time.

I enjoy the presence of a strong and self-sufficient character who is hindered by those very strengths. The inner and outer conflicts were nicely executed. This work certainly had a lot of thought and care put into it.

Still, as curious as I was about the queen, personally, I found her entrance a little bit chaotic. One moment she shoves a person with such force they fall, the other, she can hardly stand herself. Her varying strength and expressions (from booming voice and refusal to be given any support to the scream of agony and gentle pushes – I'd have expected her to try suppressing the scream out of sheer pride – or coughing blood and stumbling for a couple of sentences before bursting into a long monologue) appeared seemingly in no pattern, changing frequently enough to make the two extremes of strength and weakness feel forced at times.

Also, there were a couple of expressions that didn't feel fully convincing. However, this bit is based on purely personal impressions so please take it with a grain of salt. What I find confusing, others might find as the most illustrative lines:

• “Bring me wine…” the woman’s voice boomed. ─ Booming voice and ellipsis that usually indicates trailing thought, hesitation, shortness of breath feel contradictory.

• The scribe’s eyes widened after hearing her words and he trembled.
“Yes, my Queen,” he said in a shaky voice as he tried to keep his composure. ─ The man has already started shaking so his composure was broken before he tried to keep it. Perhaps a more prominent correlation could create a deeper impact? He tried to keep his composure but the shaking voice and hands betrayed the fear, etc...?

• The mumbles turned into loud chatter as they argued amongst themselves, while others fled for fear of what will come. ─ This feels a little bit too vague. Who are they and the others (how do we distinguish between them)? How many have fled in relation to the ones who stayed (this especially becomes relevant when we immediately learn that only one did)? In general, while you use the crowd to create the mood expertly, their actions from time to time don't contribute to the clarity.

There's also a small distraction slipping in with your dialogue punctuation/tags. While most sentences have it nicely wrapped up, some unnecessary capitalization sometimes weasels in (i.e. “My queen, let us stand one last time,” He said, with a menacing smile on his face.)

But the subjective hiccups aside, this is a nicely flowing work with a lot of detail, clearly expressed mood and well-developed characters. I don't think they managed to push me into believing their cause (though it's a good thing, given their alignment) but they certainly made me feel sorry for such a tragic fate, the would-have-been and possible chances to redeem themselves in their own eyes and the eyes of those whom they have wronged. The tragedy is clear and it leaves a strong impact. Well done!

Review written in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
9
9
Review of magpies  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As I read this story, once or twice I looked out my window at the evergreen where a couple of magpies live... though I'm always happy to see them since they're rare birds around these parts. Pity, it's not the case for the poor narrator.

This short story has a distinct and strong voice. The thoughts had a very natural flow and dug deep at the inner world. From the small ritual of saluting to the urge to scream, because... it all has a reason and a purpose. It's not always a tangible one, but that's what it makes these thoughts so much more believable. Besides one jump of thought (I like to wake up in the early hours of the morning when the air is still and quiet, and Mother has stopped her nervous pacing and gone to sleep. A magpie sits on my windowsill.) that felt rather abrupt/choppy, the narration had an amazing execution. You have great skill!

My only wish was for the plot to have a little bit more buildup. Since the narrator suspects that “there is something unspeakable down there in the long grass,” the story takes a straight line to the ending; a very purposeful one. Yet, the fixation doesn't meet a lot of opposition or leave many hints that we could speculate with... Thus it's pretty straightforward.

SPOILERS: I absolutely loved the line “and Mother has stopped her nervous pacing and gone to sleep” which showed some of the family's circumstances. Yet, in the end, we hardly get to know any nuances and just learn the facts: Father was stabbed. Mother knows what you'd find in the garden. Yet the whole pursuit of the something that's already correctly speculated as a corpse seems so purposeful that the reveal of the knife and the deliciously disturbing question a the end feel a little underwhelming. The body could have belonged to a postman, and we'd probably hold a similar sentiment towards it. Thus additional focus that would make the discovery more significant, in my personal opinion, would add some depth to the work. Perhaps some deeper exploration of the family's relationships now compared to before? Perhaps the meaning of that silence that the narrator would like to break or why there is a hunch about a dead body instead of aversion to the evergreen, for instance... you have a lot of things you could explore, and I'm certainly not a person who should push you in one way or the other.

There is a small nitpick that I'd like to mention, but just like my opinion about the plot, take it or leave it as you see right – nothing should compromise your idea and style.

“Mummy, I want to look in the garden,” I tell Mother, who sits staring with eyes just as glassy as the magpie’s, and skin just as pale. ─ “skin just as pale” feels a little bit unclear. Is it as pale as the eyes? Or as pale as the magpies' feathers? Neither comparison feels completely accurate since they tend to have dark eyes and have both black and white coloured feathers; neither colour dominating over the other.

Overall, I'm really glad to have discovered this little story. It has a clear mood, a strong voice and vivid imagery. A little bit more nuanced trip towards the ending might have been nice, but even as it is, “Magpies” is a fun atmospheric read with an intriguing twist, well worth the few minutes it takes to reach the end. Thank you for sharing it!
10
10
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Seeing this story on the Please Review page, I was immediately captured by the unique theme of it. Not only does it offer a fun point of view, but it also shows an entirely new side to an old superstition. Now I'm having fun imagining a cat rush towards the empty street just to be in time to cross a lone person's path in the right manner. On the other hand, not meeting your quota seems to offer a great reward? There probably are quite a few lazy ones, given the two outcomes. After all, one of them is doing the hard work all over again.

It's a bit of a shame not to have more of this feline gathering, though. What would happen once the cat was called forward? Seeing at least one cat's journey till the very end would have been a nice addition to the tale. You certainly know how to raise your readers' curiosity, so why not take a step further? There's a whole ritual to witness! How would they be assessed? How does the portal to another realm look like? You have a lot of interesting ideas added to this tale, and seeing them take a full shape would be a real treat. Of course, as a contest entry, this story probably has a strict word limit, so I won't jump ahead of the gun with all the possible twists and turns.

The execution itself was nicely thought-out. Some sentences resembled ones from archaic tales: “Many were the felines who met their demise foolish enough to try and devour one so wise.” which added a lot to the overall mood. It was like reading an old legend. Yet, some instances felt too cramped to be enjoyed fully. By no means were they deal breakers, but getting rid of redundancy would enhance the story quite a bit. During the editing session, if you agree with my point of view, I would suggest taking a look at the adjectives and adverbs you used and see which ones might serve as excessive information. Let me illustrate it with a small example:

“The vivid orange harvest moon shone brightly over the tops of the canopy of tall pine trees that densely populated the gently rolling hills just out of the slumbering village.” ─ In this one, for instance, you fill the sentence with adjectives that don't add a lot to the picture we've already created in our heads. “Vivid” already implies that the moon is intensely deep or bright so it's natural to imagine that it shines brightly. Rolling hills, as well, create an image of soothing scenery. “Gently” becomes unneeded information, as “harshly rolling” is unlikely to enter the mind. Hence, taking out a few words could make the picture just as vivid, but the sentence easier to follow.

It's a small nitpick, and I've already rambled how some details felt a little vague, but I'll add one last exampled that felt quite specific compared to the others: “It was a thin volume, despite the massive amount of data it held, for such was sometimes the way with things bewitched by Magic.” ─ The word “data” doesn't seem to fit overall tale-like story... but what's bothering me a little bit more is the lack of clarity. Is data that you mention legends, commandments or account of every scare that the cat has done? You have such intriguing pieces of lore added to the story, and getting a bit deeper into it would be an enjoyable option.

Overall, this is a unique and intriguing piece of flash fiction. You certainly have a lot of fun ideas, and it looks like making them grow into a more elaborate story would be no trouble for such a creative mind. If you intend to do so, of course. Some pruning to make the sentences flow better might be a good idea, but overall, this is a nice little work. Thank you for sharing it!
11
11
Review of Meet the Parents  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, thesuperpapagai ,

Thank you for your review request. It has been a long, long time since I've last gotten to interact with scripts so it was a welcome change of pace. *Smile*

It seems like you have created quite a curious town for us to explore. Despite the dull architecture of the place, it holds a lot of quirkiness; from impressive nature to the colourful town's residents (I have to admit they zombie boy playing catch with his head was really fun to picture). Though I admit, starting the series at this point, I'm left slightly confused about what the world is like. While the lack of knowledge from the previous entries makes it impossible to accurately assess the lore, I'm facing some confusion from my current standing. While I did learn that David, Rose and Greg have been given the title of “battlers of monsters,” it seems like the supernatural creatures out there are living pretty normal, mundane lives (even if they are shunned by humans), and most are friends with the trio. Are there some troublemakers popping up now and then? I do imagine the siblings investigating unusual occurrences like supernatural Nancy Drew... but battling sounds odd at the moment.

On the other hand, this entry is more focused on the trio's backstory rather than lore, and trying to dig deep at everything at once would make it a rather chaotic experience...

David looks like the leader of the group, though a rather passive one who just goes with the flow. He often becomes a spectator rather than a person with his own point of view. For instance, even when addressing the complicated relationship with his parents (which does make his emotions run stronger when they meet), his reactions even to the “murder plan” remain “what if this blows over” and “you can't really stop her once she has her mind set on something.” In general, the characters here tend to run into each other only to update the events and then separate again to do their own thing... which leaves their bond a bit vague.

It would be nice to see them have different levels of energy. At the moment they seem to flare up at the same amount of provocation and react to it in a rather similar manner, even disregarding the situation. Be it in the face of a bear or simply sitting in a park, the dialogue seems to have the same amount of urgency, snark and depth. Different tempos and more sensitivity towards the surroundings could make the emotional intensity vary as well, keeping your audience more engaged.

On the other hand, Rose seems like a person who is more likely to ignore circumstances just because that's her nature (which makes her stand out from the rest of the group). She does have the eye for money more than anything else, seems fine with murdering (well, she does have an interesting, though still calculated way of reacting to her parents)... Still, her go-at-my-own-pace way would shine more if it was clear how different it is from the rest of the cast.

It seems like your work aims to be a bit meta which is a fun approach (can't forget the mayor's comment about politics here). But even with this in mind, when it came to me believing what's written, some of the events feel a little bit staged, and so, less convincing. For instance, a crowd appearing to support Mark's “What kind of crazy place is this?” just after it was said makes you wonder where the crowd has been hanging around to eavesdrop for the right moment (by why should they eavesdrop on a random pair of people walking with Mathwell?). The crowd feels more like a prop than a mass of actual people. In general, I believe most of such timing issues could be fixed if you addressed the setting a bit more. For a script that is going to transform into visual arts, the lack of clear surroundings can be a hindrance, after all.

For instance, if we look at the 'tour on the beach' scene in more detail, at first, the impression is that the place is empty save for the trio's parents and Mathwell. Then, we learn that there are some supernatural beings hanging around after all... but it turns out, there's a whole crowd tagging along. It would be a good idea to address the setting as each scene starts so that it would be clear what the reader/viewer should be expecting. If we learned that there were a lot of people around, that one passer-by heard the conversation, raised their voice and attracted the attention of others, making the crowd grow, it would feel more natural than having an angry crowd walk up at a surprisingly convenient moment.

I have rambled quite a bit, so let me sum it up in a more concise manner. This script shows quite an imaginative world, full of curious creatures and quirky characters. On the other hand, their quirks while there, sometimes feel drowned by the others since your characters often have similar vibes to their expression. If they reacted to each other in a bit more sensitive manner, showing different intensity, their strongest characteristics could shine more. Still, it is a strong groundwork, and with a little bit of tuning, it could be a strong finished work as well. Keep it up.
12
12
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I admit it's not an easy task to try and give some constructive thoughts on a chapter that might be near the middle or even the end of a novel I haven't gotten the chance to read yet. Still, I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was to figure out who was who and what kind of relationships everyone had. The dialogue that bounced like a tennis ball in a good match made it all the easier.

It seems like the relationship between Gwen and Jane is the most complex (though, admittedly, I'm mostly curious about Tommy's absence (is Jane adopted? She did say he was a real brother) and Terry's hot 'n cold approach). They seemed so close and warm, and yet, a single unfavourable situation let to such a row... On the other hand, Gwen seems like an impulsive young woman who relies on her instincts and emotions more than a clear head. I doubt she'd listen unless she had the truth right in front of her, without a chance to make excuses. Well, maybe it's good that she hasn't been sent to the Air Force? She'd have a hard time out there with such a personality.

I think I stopped once to think about Jane and her parents. While her father wasn't mentioned (if you don't count the wishful daydream), and I don't know how they'd react to each other, but I could hardly believe that “my parents greeted me with affection and I responded in kind” Jane's mother was anything but affectionate from the very first line she uttered. It would be nice to learn what is a facade and what is truthful since that line about the greeting isn't convincing me at all. It's a war out there!

Personally, I think I'd have loved to read a bit more about how Jane felt in these situations. For instance, when she was ignored by Gwen or kissed so forcefully. Her instincts and mind are sharp. And when addressing the latter incident, Jane does say, “He had annoyed me.” But in-the-moment emotion sometimes feels a bit neglected. How does it feel while it happens? Does she feel his hands, sticky with sweat or the mouth more? Is her initial reaction confusion or disgust? While actions and reactions are on point, a little bit of that emotion/mental reveal (rather than naming the feeling as a general annoyance or hurt), I think, would be a nice added flavour text.

One thing that I can talk without feeling like I'm just showing how little do I know about the context and previous events of your work is the presentation. Overall, I have a strong positive impression on your writing skills. Your writing is clear, detailed and vivid. It shows your understanding of the space, the characters, the mood you can convey. There were a couple of personal niggles I would like to share, though. Feel free to disagree and just skip my rambles if it feels like they'd hinder your style more than enhance it.

For me, one of the parts that felt worth some more attention while editing was the flow/pacing. Often, despite being consistent in the topic, the thoughts you had presented seemed like they were jumping around. While it wasn't anything prominent, the focus on when the scene/thought/emotion takes place tended to have odd time lapses. Let me try and explain this point of view with some examples:

• I strolled out of Bedford railway station and caught a bus to the end of my street. I walked proudly along the green in my number one uniform, swinging my suitcase slightly as I went. ─ while reading the first sentence, I was preparing myself to learn about the ride on the bus. Yet, the following sentence sweeps us to the street that Jane is walking (we might even ask if it's an elaboration of the walk to the stop or a continuation of the travel after the ride). It doesn't take long to adjust to the new setting, but the jump feels abrupt enough to leave us with a sense of unnecessary confusion.

• My parents greeted me with affection and I responded in kind, but because of the way they had treated me, I felt I could never truly love them as my parents again. I also often thought of my baby. ─ Similarly, in this situation, we're getting thrown from 'at this point of time' (while they were greeting each other) to 'at a general point of time' (thought about something often) which doesn't connect to the situation well. If the thought about the baby would come when Jane saw her parents, perhaps 'even stronger that every night when I kept missing his smile' etc. (as a hint that it's a constant thought) it would ground your character's narration to “The Now” better. Jumping between the scene and general feelings can make us wonder about which of the two is the actual focus/purpose of the scene. It's natural for a person's mind to wander, suddenly recollect the past, just the transition, unlike how it happens in real life, is the best when it's smooth.

Besides this, there was only one habit of yours that felt a bit distracting – odd time to choose -ing form. With it, some of your sentences had redundant or excessive information or showed contradictory actions, given the situation:

• I walked proudly along the green in my number one uniform, swinging my suitcase slightly as I went. ─ in this situation, “I walked, swinging my suitcase” already shows that the actions were simultaneous. Hence, “as I went” is a repeated, already established information that Jane is walking.

If we agree that sentences such as “began marching around, saluting me as they passed” establish that marching and saluting happened at the same time (they can't pass Jane without walking), actions like the following one end up rather impossible:

• The street door opened before I was halfway along the garden path and I put my case down as Gwen dashed across to greet me, hugging me with genuine sisterly affection. ─ dashing and hugging at the same time becomes a rather difficult task.

In general, what I want to convey with this ramble is a warning to keep your eye out on when you use -ing form so that it wouldn't burden your writing with weak or mangled expressions. The sequence (or simultaneity) of each gesture and line can bring out different emotions, different emphasis and so on. Use it like you use every other tool in your writing toolbox.

Overall, it seems like you've been drafting quite an interesting drama out there. I might have discovered it at an odd starting point, but so far, I'm intrigued about the start, the middle and the end... I'm actually torn between taking a look at the chapter number 16 and rolling back to the very first one! Good job!
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Review of Soul Cleaver  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
To tell the truth, I think this is my favourite story from you so far. I love the very first sentence – the oddity was just that intriguing. And well, I love stories that give you insights about different cultures, curious topics (just like that little botany lesson in Parlor Tricks) or have interesting trivia in general.

Given that I've shared some nitpicks on writing itself with you before, my overall feedback might end up shorter than usual. I still have thoughts to share though, so get ready, my dear friend. Regarding the plot, there are some spoilers ahead. So, a curious reader passing by, continue with some caution.

I think two things stood out the most for me (besides the intriguing custom. I'm acting like a broken record, but covering the mirrors was such an interesting thing!):

We have talked about the high mortality rates in our stories just the other day, so when I got to the midpoint of this story, I got a little bit worried. You managed to make me attached to these characters enough not to want to see them dead... or was it the disturbing idea that Frema's father would be residing in her fiance's body? Perhaps it was both, but I ended up with a strong wish that this story was an exception and ended up happily. Did it...? Somewhat. But the aftermath, the lingering thoughts were even better than the plausible destruction ending. Unease is a powerful tool, after all.

Also, it seems like you have grasped onto a curious topic with this story. I was losing my sense of identity, forgetting where I ended and he began.─ The whole merging of two minds and losing yourself without knowing which thought is yours which action is yours – that's worth a story of its own! I honestly think that you could go a bit deeper with this confusion. After all, saying “I was losing my sense of identity” felt more like a skim on the topic rather than an emphasis on it. The struggle between both spirits if described more might hit with a deeper impact. I squirmed in his grasp, worming my way back in control. But the demon refuse[d] to relinquish control. ─ I'd like to learn how that control you mention often feels like as well, after all. How does that struggle show outside? Does he manage to squeeze out some words that belong to him? Or does the perspective of vision change? You have so much room to release even more of your creativity into.

I did say that I love stories about interesting traditions, but there's one trap that's easy to get into (well, besides the lack of research in some cases) – foreign languages or terms. There have been many debates how it's best to present then: to just mention that something is said in a different language but translate it; to add footnote translations; to have characters themselves translate the meaning; to leave it as it is... you get as many opinions as there are readers. But in general, your aim is not to make your reader skip the words – what's the point in having them if it's such the case? Your story ended up as a mixed bag. Dybbuk or shiva, for instance, were well-presented and easy to memorise. But the full sentences or random phrases thrown as the flavour text felt excessive since all I could do was skim over them without getting all they could offer. In general, I simply felt that the story had such words added too densely. In the end, they served more as distractions (especially when they stoked the curiosity without satisfying it. But each explanation would make it a work about vocabulary) than enhancements.

That being said, this is a story that has the potential to still grow a lot while already offering a great experience. The topic and your attention to details were amazing. While I believe that the focus could be shifted here and there to different aspects, that what I got has left me truly grateful that you have sent “Soul Cleaver” for me to read.
14
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Review of Drones  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I admit, I'm a little intimidated by this story – it seems like you've done something amazing, and the recognition this work has been given shows that. Still, besides the usual idiom, they do say that the devil's in the details, and I have one sitting on my shoulder (keyboard?) as I type this. While I do have some high praises, there were quite a few nitpicks to point out as well. After all, it seems like “Drones” is a work that is too big for 1,283 words constrain. Well, that's the setback of daily challenges – we often get to touch upon the idea within a strict time limit and don't always return and explore it to a full extent.

Still, these are just my impressions, and they might not align with your intentions/focus or other readers' experiences. So, as always, feel free to read the review, take from it what you think is worth taking and cast the rest aside.

I think my biggest positive impression about this short story comes from the way you have addressed the given prompt. The line inspires an idea of monsters – or to be more precise, something organic – acting as the main threat towards the characters. Well... this one has huge teeth as well, but the military weapon stands as the base of the drone's design. I certainly don't think they were talking about bees... or were they? The obscurity of these creatures adds a lot to the tension.

It's interesting to see how downplaying a warning worked when setting up the anticipation. Perhaps I've gotten used to reading your stories where everything is bound to go south eventually, and that has added to the feeling... But I was quick to mutter, “You fool” while reading the introductory part of the story. We know that the General's decisions will come to bite him, and the wait makes the reader pay close attention to every detail, even when you ease into the action with a rather relaxed evening. No wonder they always warn you not to underestimate your opponent, even if you are almost certain they're weaker than yourself.

Yet, while I can't help but praise the idea and the approach to it, I can't say I was too fond of the presentation. I will be harsh this time – I have high expectations for you, and the higher they are, the less forgiving I am. Some bits are based purely on personal preference, of course, while some might be a bit more objective. Get that trash bin where you dump the nagging comments in and a small box of possibly worthy advice. You've some sorting to do now.


• The first bit of the story, to me personally, felt lackluster. It has one purpose – foreshadowing. But with the focus purely only on that, we end up with a dialogue suspended in the void. Nothing helps the reader imagine (and consequently get invested in) the General or even the setting. We mostly hear the dialogue without any visuals of the outer world or presentation of the inner one. You have set a great opportunity to introduce your character and make his further experiences more personal, however, we get the bare facts [enemy has a new weapon. It doesn't seem dangerous so there's some bombing], not circumstances or motivations.

In addition, “asked General Azazel. // said the General, [annoyance creeping into his tone.] // said the General, [incredulous].” ─ the rather repetitive way of illustrating the man's speech didn't add a lot to it. Instead of truly experiencing the story, your reader finds idle emotion “labels” that feel more like parentheses than a natural interaction with the deputy director or the surroundings.


• Now, I'd like to move on to the way you introduce the scene of the family relaxing by the TV. Here, too, I felt the lack of visuals that would help set the tone. See, you write, “His wife, Ilene, smiled at the playful banter between her husband and daughter.” but what we have seen is:
“Okay, kiddo, it’s time to go to sleep!”
“Do I have to…?”
“Yes, you do. That’s an order!”
“Awww… okay...”

To me, that sounds like the man is shouting orders at his daughter in a harsh tone (would it be surprising from a man who was happy with 'only' six civilian casualties?). The girl answers with reluctance and the lack of confidence, hence the use of the ellipsis. There's nothing in their body language or other details to debunk the impression. And once it's set, we are given the correction that it should be playful. In consequence, I end up backtracking and rewiring the whole scene in my head.


• I'll have to move on to something more technical as well. There's one habit you're close to getting that I'd like to warn you about: “George’s eyes looked to his daughter as she made a catching motion and grinned.” There are expressions such as “his legs carried him...” that can be added to the story while showing certain emotional state. It creates the impression that the character is unreceptive and is walking by 'autopilot'. But let's turn to the other uses such as “his yes looked to”. You create an impression of sentient eyes. It's not the ears that listen or the nose that smells but the person that does such actions.


• It seems like you're still working on limiting the pronoun-focused sentences. "Uneasy, he followed his wife and child to his daughter’s room, where she was about to go to sleep. He turned off the hallway light as he entered the bedroom, again hearing that faint rustling sound, though it was louder this time. He placed both hands on the door frame and stuck his head into the hallway once more. He turned in each direction, eyes scanning the hall, but he saw nothing but blackness." ─ don't forget that not everything has to be emphasized as your character's experience. "Again, that faint rustling sound drifted from behind..." etc. could add more variation to the way you present the events.


• There are a couple of lines that made me feel the narrative distance as well. I can't fully explain... perhaps it is because you introduce a certain circumstance that gets pushed aside a bit too abruptly. I read the fact, but the impact it has left feels close to nonexistent. Let me pinpoint a couple of such instances:

[abbreviated:] ...a pitch black shape suddenly grabbed her from the side. A half dozen other shadows, some large, some small, pounced on the rest of her body, tearing chunks of flesh and bone apart in less than a second until there was nothing left of her. The General’s knees gave out, and he plopped to the bed, wide-eyed, horrified. His daughter shot upright and screamed. Immediately as his backside hit the bed, the General hustled back to his feet. He needed to protect what was left of his family! ─ that's a quick dismissal of the wife... There's nothing left, true, but... is it his military experience that helps him go through this without much of an emotional impact? There's not a seed of thought lingering later on.

But it wasn’t the shadow that was knocked backward--it was him! // His eyes grew wide in disbelief as he watched blood squirting out of the stump. His hand! It was gone! ─ I think I'm just not fond of exclamation marks... they create a slightly comical tone somehow. I wish I could see what kind of physical impact these attacks have rather than this. The general later acts while “ignoring the pain in his arm and foot to give her a comforting smile.” and even “jumped backward toward the candle at his daughter’s bedside.” And so besides the shock value, I can't see the impact the attacks leave to the characters. The pain is mentioned as the general screamed in pain and then ignored, the movements don't seem to be hindered, his daughter doesn't seem to acknowledge his missing limbs or her mother's death (besides the initial scream) either...

And so, the events that take place feel presented only to shock the reader but not to affect the characters in the world you have created.


This isn't the case all the time. The beloved candle that has been burned so many times that it's about to go out, the recollection of the people the General allowed to die – there were nice callbacks that connected in satisfying ways. So I know – you can polish this work to perfection if you get more time after meeting the contest deadlines. The story holds promise, but it's still a diamond in the rough.
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Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Told so many times to read some of your works, I finally dared to stumble into this impressive portfolio and take a look at the stories. I remembered bookmarking “The Photograph of Carolina Stump” a long time ago, but something prevented me from reading it. At least now, I was able to kick back and immerse myself in the story.

To tell the truth, I was torn between loving it and hating it. We all have our little triggers, and mine popped up as well. And yet, I had to read it all, find out what had happened in the end. You marvellously crafted the events, giving just enough details to imagine everything as if the reader was seeing everything as the narrator did.

I was slightly reminded of a theater play I had seen last year, based on novels by Thomas Mann. One of the characters there talked about his wish of going past any boundaries. What stood out in that monologue was the talk about his childhood home and the way it was consumed by a huge fire. The mood of the households felt similar enough to paint Carolina's with an additional layer of flames. I can't say it didn't fit.

“The Photograph of Carolina Stump” was indeed an impressive work, packed with tragedies that somehow didn't cross the too much line. Though one might expect it, given how many things have been packed in one person's miserable life (half of it could break anyone's mind). Human nature remains as the true horror and reason for it all. A slightly different mindset of one person and it all could have ended in an entirely different way. Yet, now, even the gruesome revenge feels somewhat satisfactory after all the torture and pain Caroline had to suffer through.

Even so, I did have a couple of nitpicks to share. Though please take them with a grain of salt since they are entirely subjective.

• I did mention that this story is incredibly immersive, and a big reason for it is the way you have described the surroundings. But while the descriptions are vivid and flow well, in one instance, when I tried to merge all you've written, the narrative felt encumbered. In the beginning, the house you described was “slumped down like a tired old man,” sagging and, at the same time, “seemed to squat upon its foundation like a hungry ogre patiently hiding in the bushes and waiting to be fed.”

The two comparisons just didn't seem to mesh. Even a hungry ogre feels full of strength, ready to tear at its prey. But the tired old man shows age, dilapidation, lack of that strength. If so, the comparisons end up negating each other and forcing the house into a bipolar image. Unless you intended to show that it feels different from different angles (in such a case, it would be a good idea to mention where you have to be to get an impression of an old man), perhaps a different mix of similes would be better?

• This is more of an inquiry rather than anything else. Carolina was a child that had been raised in confinement, as you've written. She was locked up, beaten, underfed. Constant isolation and abuse would have left her at least somewhat wary of strangers if not terrified of them. And yet, when Martha and Colin came knocking, Carolina did the thing I least expected her to do – she didn't hide as she would when someone of her household was looking for her – she opened the door, presumably, right away. Was she not afraid she'd be blamed for her father's death just as unreasonably as the housekeeper's? Or at least scared of new people altogether? Her motives to do as she did seemed a bit obscure.

The nitpicks aside, this is an impactful work that leaves a strong aftertaste once the reader's through with it. I still feel unsettled because of some scenes! Though amidst it all, the biggest question remains this: who took Carolina's photograph when even her father kept her hidden away? And for what purpose if everyone tried so hard to erase her existence from their minds?
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Review of Dryads and Dogs  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Moral of "Dryads and Dogs": Iron swords are low-level weapons!

Now, on a more serious note, this entry of the series so far is the most intriguing in my opinion. The first one revealed a bit about Mikros, the second one about his parents, but didn't have a lot of things happening. So far, I've had the chance to read a short 'illustration' (given that it was just a short glimpse into a couple of minutes) and a 'history given through a bedtime story'. This work, on the other hand, gives a bit more insights through actual interactions. I enjoyed reading about the games Mikros passed the time with. The silly song is probably everyone has engaged in, and it's nice to see some roleplaying all the children love doing.

I did have a small issue with the scene when Mikros encountered the dryad, though. Balanos' reaction seemed... slightly off. The dryad was pleased by Mikros beating the tree to the point that the stick broke. Play-pretend or not, the boy was doing damage. And given that the role he was playing wasn't actively narrated (“I'm a knight, this tree is a dragon” hardly is said when kids are playing alone). So the dryad saw a kid shouting things like 'gyah, prepare to fall!' to its vessel and swinging around a stick... how is that amusing...? I would ask for an explanation if not scold the brat out of annoyance...

Following this, Mikros loses his energy and is taken care of by the dryad who says, “I shall tell the trees of your deeds today, Mikros.” and I end up with questions that I would prefer not having once again. The boy played and then cried... can't say either is a 'deed' or that it would require so much energy that he'd end up close to fainting. What caused that lack of energy? Hearing the creature sounds like a passive ability, and crying... from my experience, children recover from that in seconds (it's actually scary). And so the events don't seem to support themselves, rather forming some tiny but bothersome plot... gaps, as I can't call them plot holes per se.

Afterwards, though, the story has recovered in my eyes. Mikro's ignorance of the concept of death finally shines through in all its innocence. The people who showed him kindness just couldn't understand that he was trying to show kindness in return, that poor boy... But I was pretty happy to see how Fyla's warnings finally started gaining some tangible reasoning, even if not yet quite comprehensible (to Mikros, that is). Hopefully, the harsh lessons will slowly build the child's character into a more mindful one, otherwise, I fear for his well-being just like his caretaker does. He's too trusting for his own good!

On the other hand, the nightmare week-old corpse is not something anyone could stomach, no matter how well-meaning you are. That's a horrible sight! Especially if just recently you had a warm memory of the same companion being decent, if not good-looking. Yikes!

On the more technical matters, I'd like to remind you about the importance of good formatting. You seem to have mashed different people's lines into the same paragraphs or separated dialogue lines from the accompanying actions. I almost thought that "Harm him if you dare. There are fates worse than death." was from Mikros and started wondering how a boy who doesn't understand death could name it as a 'bad' outcome to begin with. Be careful not to fall into the trap of creating confusion about the active characters!

I think I nitpicked quite a bit on this story, but I still found it pretty fulfilling. I'm not all too fond of masked info-dumps or obvious characterization (“this character is kind. Got it?”), and in this story, you've shown a lot, nimbly avoiding telling the reader anything outright. That takes a lot of skill. Don't forget that you can implement it when trying to portray emotions as well and make the characters' expressions of feelings more unique than just 'being sad'. Continue honing your craft – you certainly have a talent for storytelling. All that's left is to raise it to the very top.
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Review of Bo Dockett  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You know, it's amazing how relatable can one be in some extraordinary situations... Bo Dockett, or rather, his philosophy reflects the subtle regrets that I'm certain almost everyone has. I often remember these lines in a video game I once played for hours and hours: “People fear, not death, but having life taken from them. Many waste the life given to them, occupying themselves with things that do not matter. When the end comes, they say they did not have time enough to spend with loved ones, to fulfill dreams, to go on adventures they only talked about... But why should you fear death if you are happy with the life you have led, if you can look back on everything and say, 'Yes, I am content. It is enough.'” The sentiment reverberates in this story, as well.

From the very first sentence, I felt an urge to learn more; at first, about the 'sorry individual,' later about the odd situation that he got tangled in. You have created quite a mystery when it comes to something as dreary as taxes! I kept trying to draw some plausible scenarios while someone was busy getting drunk. I admit, my initial theory was that someone had been hiding the money in a random commoner's account for unknown illegal purposes; that Bo was an accidental victim because he once happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or that perhaps that the Auditor was involved – he was enjoying having 'caught' Bo (or is it just my dislike for the fellow?)!

But here comes a little issue I have with this story. See, rather than Bo Dockett, we have “The Curious Incident of Bo Docket.” It's not the first time I've told you this (and it's more often than not because you keep making me want to learn more about your characters), but the story could be expanded a bit more. This time, to have Bo as a more proactive character. He hardly did anything besides learning about the issue and then learning about the solution, in between dealing with the stress (his panic attack, on the other hand, is something quite familiar, and it does stop you from taking any action save for the attempts to calm down). It would have felt more fulfilling even if he had some glimpses of telling his troubles to his wife or attempting to solve the issue by ____ and not just reacting. Even if at the cost of 'was it just a dream?' situation, where even I as the reader started doubting whether his issue was real or dreamed up. After all, if he remains a mere (albeit distressed) spectator, is the shake-up enough for him to gain the resolve to do that 'one thing' – a thought that keeps lingering in the subconscious mind rather than active thoughts? To me, personally, it didn't feel quite enough.

I also have a tiny nitpick and a tiny praise:

“she paused while grimacing, then shielded her eyes against sickening sounds gushing from the bathroom.” – The whole story is Bo's limited point of view. If he's in the bathroom, he can't know that Lorain is grimacing. And if it's a shift to her point of view, it's too brief and abrupt to be an enhancing addition to the narration.

“In jail, I'll be someone's 'Best Girl,' and what will happen to Lorain? Will she divorce me and remarry? Sure, she will. Probably some prick like that auditor who wants to send me to jail.” – I loved this part; mostly because I was so immersed, I noticed that Bo was talking aloud probably only one syllable sooner than he did. It was so surprising, it felt like I was the one who started mumbling instead of him.


To wrap it up and sum it up, you can be confident that this is a fantastic story. It holds a mystery. It has a philosophy that's worth pondering. It has a relatable main character. My only wish is that you expanded the work a bit more to have Bo Dockett make things happen more than have things happening around him. The idea doesn't suffer too much from the lack of activeness (I did mention that 'sorry' felt like a double meaning), but it would feel a little more satisfying when thinking about the poor man, is all.

Keep on writing because this reader finds a lot of joy in reading what you come up with.
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Review of Parlor Tricks  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Just like the title suggests, “Parlor Tricks” is a tricky short story. I loved the idea of this work to bits. The way you added a vast knowledge of botany... or your unique creations (I admit, I lack the knowledge to determine if all the plants you wrote about were real) was so impressive! No wonder Delphinia works in the Environmental Protection Agency. She knows her ropes. The twist at the end with our smallest character was an unexpected and pretty disturbing discovery as well. Great job there!


Of course, the ride isn't without its bumps and stops. Personally, I found the tea-sipping scene a bit dragging. While it's interesting to read about the little test our lady detective performs (ingenious!), the pace after Delphinia arrives slows down because of some filler dialogue that leads up to the test. Here, no one is trying to win some extra time, but the focus on aimless actions makes the reader expect something that never happens. Hence

"Oh don't mind Hunter, he's a crabby-patty today. Would you like some tea? Or would you prefer coffee?"
...
"I'm Gladys, by the way!"
...
"Oh that's a lovely name!"
...
"Please, make yourself comfortable."


makes the plot stall. Some answers end up as a summary in narration, some are spoken aloud, though none are more important than others. The whole exchange up until the tea time could be sped up with a nice and concise summary with key observations being highlighted in it.

Talking about dialogue, in real life, Dalphinia most likely would have introduced her name along with her occupation at the door – the whole procedure doesn't start and end with telling that you're from the investigation bureau. Hence, the introduction could become more compact by addressing this part alone.


You've mentioned a concern about writing realistic female protagonists. In this regard, my biggest advice will always remain this: write your character as a person first, only then think about their gender. After all, people are so diverse, stereotypes that genders create won't always be the best (or most interesting) foundation.

In this particular work, plot and the idea are the main forces. Delphinia's personality never becomes a driving factor, hence we don't dig all too deep in her motivations or quirks. I learned about her as a bystander. The most intimate thing revealed about her is the origin of her name. Of course, I also get to discover that she's a careful sort of a person and methodical in her work – a professional. While hot-headed, she knows how to hold her temper as well. For a plot-driven story, she's a good protagonist. Perhaps not one I'll remember years later, but she plays her role well.


Lastly, when it comes to the plot, I do have a slight qualm with your hints that something's not right. You try to make them innocent, but at the same time, that effort makes them evident. The ride you described was a lazy one, and the first time you mentioned any kind of discomfort caused by it was with 'She rubbed her eyes, feeling a bit tired from the long drive.' The abruptness of this state was enough to make the tea suspicious. Why now? Why do we have to note her tiredness while she's in the greenhouse? Knowing that something's wrong isn't a bad thing – it adds to the anticipation – but it would be nice if the hints were a bit more organic.


Now... I'm reluctant to dwell too much on the execution – it often sounds a bit patronizing. But I think I've read enough of your works to know some of your habits that could use a little bit of polishing. Of course, remember that you have a unique style so take my advice with a grain of salt. Your choices are what makes the story uniquely yours.

For me personally, filler words and phrases in this story made the reading experience less enjoyable. A lot of that is related to two issues writers often tend to overlook.

Dialogue tags ▼

Present Participle ▼


I feel like I'm coming a bit forcefully onto you, but knowing your abilities, I felt slightly disappointed with the issues I found within this work. The premise was great, the twist (Hunter's side especially) was intriguing, the attention to details – the focus on the specific theme – showed how much you've worked on this story. But the execution is in a dire need of polishing. Pacing issues or hint placement are subjective – feel free to ignore my points if you feel that they'd mar your idea. But brushing up your grammar would enhance the experience for everyone.
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Review of The Deathless Boy  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think I'm glad that I didn't read “The Deathless Boy” first since my current knowledge of your project gives me a bit more room for speculations. After all, it's so satisfying to recall that Micros' fondness of animals comes from his mother. And the fact that undead animals are fond of him... well, that draws a pleasant connection to Micros' heritage.

I'm growing curious why Fyla keeps forbidding the boy to use his magic. The surrounding darkness must be a part of the reason, doesn't it? Perhaps he doesn't yet know how to fully control his power or perhaps there's something that senses his magic and tries to draw close? Seeing how he's in the forest (is it Dimurgia?) lonely but not seeking company outside of it, I feel like he's in hiding.

Micros cheering for and later hugging the little bird was so bittersweet... Somehow, that cheer felt like he was watching a chick hatch. And there's so much innocence in such an act, despite the necromancy being at play. But with the bird struggling, I'm left wondering – does magic work only partway? Does your own will play any part in this 'rebirth'? Or did that struggle exist because of Micros' inexperience?

Now this is entirely subjective – I have mentioned before that I'm not fond of prologues at that might hinder my viewpoint – but this little entry feels a bit more like a teaser than a stand-alone story. After all, “The Deathless Boy” revealed a similar subtext to the second part of the series. In both stories, Micros' loneliness and attempts to subdue it are portrayed similarly. I didn't get a lot of new information in his circumstances so if your aim with this story is more than grabbing interested (which you did, by the way. As I've mentioned many times before, your ability to create a vivid image in one's mind is amazing), perhaps merging both works into one wouldn't do a lot of harm either.

On the technical side, there was a minor detail I wanted to bring up as well:

• Wandering the dense woods where he lived, the boy came across the carcass of a songbird. […] The dead bird began to writhe in spasms, shedding larvae and feathers as it thrashed. ─ carcass usually hints that there are no more meat bits left. Hence feathers, larvae and such were a bit surprising to discover. Perhaps 'remains' or 'corpse' would fit better...?

I think I'll end these musings here. To sum it all up, this little story was a bittersweet one, and I enjoyed reading it a lot. The sadness, innocence and darkness mixed into one intriguing scene. My only suggestion for you is not to forget that the whole project would become more impactful if, as a part of the series, each entry brought something new to the table. And this part, at the moment, doesn't feel like if not included, would make you miss something incredibly important.
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Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (4.0)
“The Necromancer and the Witch” is an intriguing, even if simple little story within a story that played in front of my eyes like a puppet show. The visuals you have created formed vivid imagery. I'll probably have to say that your way of making the reader see and experience instead of just think is one of your strongest points. The cave was so easy to picture with all its dark nooks and shadows cast by the low fire. Good job!

As I read this work, I couldn't help but wonder if the myth of Hades and Persephone was your inspiration. A god of death and a witch (or a goddess) of nature fell in love and spent some of their lives together in the world of the (un-)dead, with the lady slipping away now and then... The recollection of this myth made the work feel a bit like a retelling.

Of course, some events end up pushing it to a different, darker course. It made me curious about what happened to Mikros as well. What happened after the story ended and the current events began? Why did he end up in a cave, and not among people? The possibilities and questions you manage to bring add to the intrigue and create a foundation for a far bigger tale.

Though, personally, I wasn't entirely convinced with the idea of Thanatos swearing revenge on the entire humanity because of the bandit attack. The ones responsible for Crysiphone's death met their end. So a stronger motive to wage a war against the entire race felt needed. For instance, if she had been hurt before in one of many random attacks (which would be a good reason for Thanatos to ask her to bring guards along all the time) which led Thanatos to believe that all humans were mindless and violent... or if that had been a break-in by superstitious group, the scale of Thanatos' rage would have been more believable. He'd have more people to blame, after all. So here's a bit that didn't leave me entirely sold.

As for the execution of the story, the idea of making it a story within a story was a sweet one – it let you manipulate time seamlessly.

Perhaps, if you end up returning to this work and editing it, I would put some focus on the images Fyla created. Lines such as 'waving listlessly as skeletons tended to his every wish' or 'Holding his dying love, the necromancer wept tears of bitter blood as Crysiphone sang her swan song' don't quite fit the mysterious shadow theatre.

If you think how it is envisioned, facial expressions and movements wouldn't necessarily show that someone is listless or entranced. Body movements should speak a bit more than adjectives or adverbs here, I believe. After all, what does 'tending to every wish' makes a person see? Or how do we know she's singing her swan song? Images were created from shadows and smoke on stone walls. It's what we see that we can interpret, and not the other way around. Hence, at the moment, the images feel more like fragments of narration rather than a picture book come alive or a puppet theater. Strengthening this idea with a bit more fitting images would bring it into yet another level, I believe. Of course, how you want these pictures to appear in the reader's mind is all up to you.

I'll finish this bout of feedback with one more line (it feels fitting to bring it last) – the last paragraph was great! I believe Fyla is like a shadow of Crysiphone? Or a fragment of her soul? Since Thanatos didn't manage to bring her back, it must have been the remains of the magic he tried to work, wasn't it...?

By the way, why didn't he succeed? Did she become a soulless doll? It would be good to explain some ways this magic works, I think. Since if it's just manipulation of the matter, I'm curious how it was possible to create Fyla. If it's not just that, why did bringing the white witch back to life failed? Perhaps a full explanation of it wouldn't fit the work, but a hint somewhere would be a nice addition.

Thank you for letting me read your works once more. You have a distinct style that enhances your stories and makes the whole experience a real pleasure. Keep on writing and improving! I'll be looking forward to our renewed discussions.
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Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
In the Review Requests section, I stumbled upon this work and, intrigued by the title, thought I'd give it a try. I'm glad I did.

As I read the first two chapters of Fox on the Run, I had a strange sense of familiarity... While our works aren't similar when it comes to the plotline, I dare to claim that our approaches have a few similarities. Hence, I might bring up some thoughts that have been haunting me as well. I'll leave the decision whether that what I say is worth noting down or should be ignored to you since, like any other, this review is subjective and written without knowledge of the plans for your work.


DREAMS

The first chapter had a nice flow and good pacing that kept the reader immersed. You have a way with words and have managed to implement interesting tidbits about Penelope there. She seems to be a dry-humored (and, oh, I happen to be so fond of such people) woman with a unique set of morals and creative improvisational skills; a hint about her family relationships added casually is also a great addition.

I can't say I see Penelope as an observant person, as she jumps into conclusions or action quickly:

• Rather than trying the signal inside the car to scare the fox, she chooses to get out of the car and take the 'madwoman' approach;

• Despite observing the fox from up close, and there being no signs of it having rabies (the foam wouldn't appear out of nowhere, and there wasn't any suspicious behaviour), she seemed quite fixated on it being sick (thinks or comments on it four times).

If that is your intention, I can only clap you on the back and suggest that further in the story this particular character trait could and should become a setback or a hindrance at least once since it comes as one of the more prominent features.


For a moment there, I'd like to return to the plot. You managed to start your work with an intriguing, unique situation and end the chapter with a good promise of intrigue and mystery. Still, there is some room to grow (and given that the chapter is just above 2000 words, you won't make it too long if you choose to do so).

The events you present feel a bit random and inconsequential, mainly the fox. If you ignore the title, it feels like a filler, especially when it's quickly forgotten by Penelope, and the focus, in the end, shifts to a human threat. It doesn't reveal a lot about Penelope's situation, only the characteristic I mentioned before, but it too, doesn't have an impact on the rest of the chapter. If it seeped into the nightmare as a catalyst or – and this is entirely theoretical – the fox was found dead on the porch in the morning, it would tie the chapter together more.

When it comes to the first chapter, the readers wish to learn a bit about the setting, the main character, the promise of future developments. You deliver the last one well, but the other bits could be enhanced. The seemingly random or mundane events that take place when Penelope isn't dreaming don't seem like they serve a lot of purpose besides showing time passage. With all the information you gave, I could imagine a normal house without neigbours, at the edge of the forest, and a working woman whose circumstances I don't know, but can see that she has nightmares. But that's where you see the curve: the house is normal (The doors were locked, lights doused, and Cinnamon was safely curled up in her cat hut) and Penelope's schedule is normal (Penelope ran a comb through her hair, brushed her teeth, and started gathering up her belongings). But perhaps to her, they bring some associations or feelings that would make the reader learn something more?


I have a couple of tiny notes that I thought I'd attach as well:

• If she saw a bear - though she’d only ever spotted one for as long as she’d inhabited her little mountain sanctuary - she would have to run for her life, as she still hadn’t quite planned out what to do. – Rather than planning out, if Penelope had seen the bear, she probably hadn't yet brought herself to look up how to act in the situation rather than made up an escape strategy. This is an entirely subjective commentary, of course, but I personally, think that might be a more appropriate approach even with her unorthodox ways of solving problems.

• Your writing style is engaging and easy to follow. Only the occasional filler words weasel into the sentences to make them sound weaker or lazier than they could be. Here's a paragraph to illustrate my words:

By the time the covers were turned down and Penelope was mindlessly skimming through one social media app after another, the intrusive fox was half forgotten. The doors were locked, lights doused, and Cinnamon was safely curled up in her cat hut, undoubtedly chasing phantom mice through the ether. Rain started pelting down shortly after ten, and Penelope finally decided to plug in her phone and close her eyes. ─ Skimming already is a half-hearted action, and the other words don't make the visuals any stronger. Be careful with adverbs in general. They often can be switched with much stronger expressions or be left out entirely. That, and you can make a bad habit of overusing such words ("finally" repeated 11 times in the two chapters alone).

Or let me jump to the second chapter with this point: A pair of deep brown eyes belonging to the inhabitant of the neighboring cubicle peered past the upholstered divider. – can also become excessive information.


REALITY

I have to admit the second chapter up until the scene in the bathroom slowed enough to start dragging. While the length of it was good, and your writing remains engaging, the harsh yet mundane day at work that felt like a filler and the summary of the previous chapter through the dialogue once again deterred from the plot before it was properly introduced – two chapters in, I still had no clue what to expect from the book as a whole. The extra focus on everyday life without revealing more than the frustration of the protagonist made the story itself harder to engage in. So far, it seems like a story about paranoia, and I can hardly believe that you have only that in store for us. Thus I highly suggest separating scenes that are important from fillers and focusing on keeping a good pace.


By the way, you did a fantastic job with the presentation talk in the office! The circumstances and the approach were clear, engaging, and life-like. Although the clients were incredibly rude, which would often be regarded as a slightly exaggerated, the presentation itself sounded professional and realistic. Though as someone who has been working with graphic design, I'd say that in a big company – and the impression is that this one is big – a month to work on a single logo project is pretty lax. Getting two more weeks to work with the color schemes is more than reasonable.

And the chapter had well-placed spikes of thrill. The washroom scene was probably my favourite this time. You managed to portray the tension and the response to it with great skill. The two-steps-at-a-time run up the stairs is oh-so-familiar (although, thankfully, I haven't been chased by invisible spooks akin to Penelope's before).


Lastly, I'd like to offer two tiny nitpicks:

• “Yeah. I mean if there was a missing person, if a body had been found,” she looked down towards the pale amber liquid swirling in her glass, “it would be all over the news by now.” – Penelope had found the blood in the morning, so the news report about the dead person would be shown only that evening. And more or less, at the time they were at the bar. Hence, they couldn't know if such a thing wasn't on the news.

• And secondly, once again, the mention of the fox feels random. While it is significant to the story – it's impossible to deny that – even with the picture prompt on the glass, the mention felt purposeless. In the end, dismissed as a light (and humorous) talk about porcupines, it ended up looking as a filler as well. Even if you bring it up now and then, to keep the reader remembering the scene this story started with, it will remain just that – a reminder that doesn't push the concept forward. After all, besides the curiosity of the fox (and the unlike the ones in the cities, rural foxes are brave like that) was there anything peculiar for Penelope to keep remembering it under natural circumstances; especially when the bloody incident did take priority in her mind?


To sum it up, the first couple of chapters look like a great intro to a new novel. While they should be tightened, getting rid of excessive information and could use a more thorough introduction of Penelope, the start is strong and hopefully will bring the readers on a great journey with an impactful finish. Keep it up, don't stop questioning your characters, and don't let your muses sleep. I'll be looking forward to hearing your thoughts and perhaps having a further discussion if you find these comments worth the time!
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Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (3.5)
When I started reading Three Wrens on the Rail, I wasn't yet sure what to expect. I pondered about three birds arguing about their spot among themselves. Turns out, I wasn't quite right. Wasn't quite wrong either. It was a nice story that made me recall the times I'd watch cartoons about the cat Sylvester and Tweety as a child. This one was a bit more educational, though. I loved the message it carried, and the way the three siblings were questioned by their parents about how many wings or hearts they had. I only wasn't sure if you needed three of them since the Grumpkin did most of the action, and we got to see Bumpkin or Plumpkin only as his back-up for some variety. Still, I'm glad I got to read about all three of them since I loved the pun-y names. Momkin and Popkin were so precious! I just wish that the other two were more involved.

The actual single negative for me was that personally, I think you overplayed the attack on the poor bluebird. Slamming into the ground, the blood trickling down and him looking like he was more or less in a coma... that was just too strong. I remembered the crime movie I had watched just yesterday, and it was more or less the same scenario – there, a man assaulted another one, the victim got a heart stroke, and everyone thought he had died (and then tried to get rid of the body) – not something I'd like to make a child imagine. Perhaps, just saying that the bird got winded up from the hit and that it walked in circles disoriented (or a similar action) and unable to fly just yet would be a bit more appropriate...? Personally, I read this while imagining that I was reading aloud to my nephew. The thought that this is, in some way, a murder-by-accident story would deter me from reading it without altering some lines on the spot. The shock value isn't necessary to teach someone a lesson.

I keep pondering about your target audience while reading the story. Though the sentences are, just like in your other works, clear and easy to follow, sometimes, I'd wonder about the choice of words. “Responsible for instilling”, “diminutive size” or “influence forever altered” might be too complex for some children – depending on the age you're aiming to interest with your story. It's quite easy to explain if you're reading to a child, really, though it can disturb the pace. But if the child is reading alone, these 'big' words might make them lose the interest after a while. So while these are all legit expressions, I'd still edit with a critical eye whether they are necessary for the vividness of the text or not.

Have I ever mentioned that I love the formatting of your stories? It's really easy to read.

Oh, now that I mention formatting when I was reading, the paragraph about Henry the Hummingbird felt like a squeeze in. Personally, I'd find it fitting better if cut and pasted when the wren trio tell their parents that it's him who dislikes the bluebirds. They say it, Popkin asks “Henry, the Hummingbird?” and then the narrator elaborates. That would cut down the repeated information – you say the same thing in the narration and in the dialogue which feels a bit redundant. Of course, that's just a subjective thought.

Overall, this was a well-written and meaningful story. The characters are amiable (with the exception of Danny and Henry) and the setting makes you think about those sunny summer days – the ones that make you breathe with a dash of nostalgia during winter. On the other hand, I would probably try to balance out the shock treatment a bit since guilt isn't the only way to realise you're doing something bad; and guilt play, in general, isn't the best move when teaching someone. Especially since the negative feelings got transferred from one bird (the Bluebird) to the other (the Hummingbird). They made another bird a pariah for being prejudiced - started discriminating him instead of trying to change his mind.

Emphasizing that differences can be good and how they make the friendship more valuable might be a better approach. You have it there, in the ending, and that being explored more than the thought that the bird got killed might be a more pleasant approach.

Still, these are only this reader's thoughts. Keep up writing! You certainly have a mind and talent for it.
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Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
One Man's Indulgence and Perception showed a fascinating perspective on what we often take for granted. How can sometimes accidental, small things change the course of lives for many? How dangerous that one little thing can be in the long course; especially if it's taken out of the context? The questions you've raised were stimulating to say the least.

The illustration – the game of cricket and the change of its rules – was an everyday life kind of experience, close to anyone, and thus, relatable. Though, I have to point out one thing that will eventually settle as my contra-argument to yours. The rule that was made to make the game easier for someone was tied to a specific place and thus, specific conditions. Since it had a logic reasoning (admitted by the narrator as well), it was passed over. It worked because of the small space and didn't spread outside of the house.

Mind you, I believe that the right questions can bring the best results, so while I don't disagree with your thoughts, I do think that in a way, the following examples could be enhanced.

We transition to the restaurant – a place where professionals prepare the menu weeks if not months before the season begins. The suggested change in the sauce was done either because:
         a) the patron was their regular and/or potentially pay more money;
         b) the patron was allergic;
or
         c)they knew that the new combination would work.
If the new spread wad made with mascarpone and mashed garlic and ended in failure, they wouldn't have started the customisable dishes. In a lot of situations, the customisation is still regulated by the limits set by the restaurant. Once again, conditions are applied.

Now, the last example suggests that a person saw the place where someone worked for n years and succeeded. Then that observer tied the success to a place and by spreading the word, started a new 'movement/religion'.

But here, I feel the lack of the conditions that were clear in the other two situations. Why would the observer tie the success to the place and not the number of years someone was working towards their goal? Why not tie that to the person's methods? Their reasoning in this situation didn't feel grounded. Though your goal seemed to be to show how dangerous/stupid it might become, the stupidity seems to come from the person and not the phenomena. I'm left questioning, “Why would they do that?” while the previous two situations had it clear or possible to imagine. So while I get the point and agree with it, I'm not yet quite convinced by your way of presenting it.



Since the game in your story had such a huge role, I thought I'd talk about the confusing parts of it as well. You did explain the rules quite nicely, and it was easy to pick up the rest from the context. Except from one part (I took away the commentary in the brackets to keep it a bit shorter):

Once when we were playing, one of our friends, he was on 44. He was 6 runs away from a half-century. I bowled the ball, it bounced just an inch in front of the blockade and hit it. He was gone for the day. He was gone on 44. That day he said, "We should make a new rule. If the ball bounces a few inches away from the stumps and hits it, it should be deemed NOT OUT. [...]”

How I understood the sequence right after reading it:
         • The narrators' friend had 44 hits and was 6 hits short from 50 (though it's not clear if 50 was their set winning run for the match or just a threshold).
         • The narrator was trying to get a hit.
         • The ball bounced and hit the blockade.
So far, it's mostly clear. But the next part gets slightly confusing:
         • The friend was gone ─ is gone a synonym for lost, in this case?
         • The friend suggested that they should make the bounce, not an out. ─ at that point, I assumed that the narrator's ball was out, and not his friend. I wondered why the friend was gone or if they somehow were they in the same team.

These were my initial thoughts, though I did realize by the end (when the couple wasn't celebrating) that the out was for the defender. But once again, regarding the rules, I'm curious: is that an instant 'game over' no matter how many hits you have yourself?

This all comes from the perspective of a person who doesn't know the rules and only knows the game's premise. Some of this confusion made it difficult to understand what prompted the narrator's friend to suggest changing the rule in the first place – it dawned only much later. But I hope that exactly that will help you see which rules might need to be explained the most.



On the technical side, I actually found most of the information in the brackets a bit distracting. In a story that has such a strong theme and message to carry out, the fewer derails there are, the more convincing it'll be.

To put fairer reasoning why it didn't seem to work for me, here are the main examples:

• For me, 'You don't need to know the rules, I'll explain them enough as we go' felt unnecessary since the reader didn't have the time to worry about not knowing the rules. The previous sentence didn't imply that the reader needed to know them and the following one already followed with a nice explanation.

• 'Aka the number of runs he scored' could have been implemented in the same sentence: 'he had already scored 44 runs' (I hope I'm using the terminology right, though) – and this would make the writing less cluttered.

• 'Yes one bounce is allowed […]' becomes an answer to a non-existent question if the reader doesn't know the rules (which contradicts the first bracket info) since they wouldn't ask if it's allowed or not and take the sentence as it is.

I was grateful for the '50 runs' and 'yorker' being added, though (on the same note, if you explain what yorker is, explanation of wicket would seem like a sound addition). So mainly, I'd suggest deciding which information adds to the text and which is unnecessary and then keep that one in the brackets. Without the rest, the flow will become much smoother.

In addition, there were a couple of minor points that made this reader pause for a split of a second and gather her bearings anew:

• 'This continue for 6 years, and then there were new tenants who were occupying specific portions on our house and their kids wanted to play cricket with us.' ─ this felt like an abrupt jump of thought. It didn't have much relation to the scoring we were reading a sentence ago. I would suggest separating the two clauses that don't seem related to one another and start the new topic (the new tenants) within a new paragraph.

• 'Since they knew me, there was no rule explanation about the rules' ─ it seems like an overlooked typo. 'There was no need to explain the rules again' might sound less clunky.

One more note in regards to formatting: I would suggest starting the dialogue line in the first paragraph as a new one and making a) and b) options separate paragraphs as well. When the reader has to take in new information (game rules, in this case) and analyze them to some extent in order to understand the situation, breaking it into a little bit smaller bits would make the analysis part quicker and thus smoother. Though this case is mostly a personal preference.



Overall, you have raised an intriguing hypothesis and offered a vivid illustration of it. I enjoyed myself a lot while reading it. I thought about anything like this in my life while reading it. I do think that it needs a little bit more polishing to convince the reader fully, but the premise is oh-so-great!
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Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm not much of a poetry expert. Nor much of a reader, for that matter. But I had to share the thoughts about This Time Last Year... since I actually almost cried.

It's a strong poem with a powerful message. The reality it portrays is painfully true. Though there were quite a few lines that drew out feelings from this humble reader, ' I cooked a dinner, for just him and me. / We watched television, he struggled to see.' and 'It was becoming more clear, that things weren't the same, / He thanked me for dinner, but had forgotten my name.' struck the cord the most. In my own family, both of these troubles had been, and it's always painful to see how it troubles both the person and the people close to them. It's a real struggle, and you managed to portray it with a strong emotion that carried on to the following lines.

Thus the reminder to appreciate both little and big things in life while you can ─ from a pleasant walk to the people you love ─ feels more personal and convincing than a preach you might encounter in lacklustre works. And you manage to deliver it in an intriguing dialogue-like manner with a lady whose conduct is so admirable! She comes alive as a strong and sweet person.

The only thing that made me stumble while reading was the flow of the second verse (I couldn't read the transition from second to the third line without making awkward pauses even in my mind) and the ninth one, particularly the 'The places you travel, the laughs that you share,/ Will one day be nothing but a memory to bare' where 'but a memory to bare' rolled a bit clumsily from the tongue. I'm sorry I can't suggest even ideas for the changes, but I trust that if you happen to agree with these notions of an amateur poetry reader, you'll manage to find the words that might change the rhythm a bit. Feel free to ignore the comment if you don't agree, however.

Keep on writing works as impactful as this one.
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Review of Intuition  
Review by Rustika - M.I.A.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
While I was browsing through the short stories folder of yours, Intuition caught my attention as the only thriller/suspense piece – an odd one in the group. But I'm glad that it did. The story was quite a ride. And so, I'd like to share my thoughts about it.

Just like a rollercoaster, it started slow, slowly gaining the speed and raising the anticipation. In the beginning, it even was 'normal', as said in the very first sentence. In fact, for a moment, I forgot it was a thriller and not a slice of life with a dash of supernatural. The teasing line 'watch out' thrown to Natalie in the hall was playful and familiar. It actually made me recall the school years I had (though those passed without any premonitions). Even the accident – since it happened out of the view – felt a bit muted.

Yet, despite my love for the slice of life, I kept wondering whether an extended 'slow' intro was a pro or a con. I would say that either adding more tension (detail) to the premonition dream or summing the first occurrence up (since it had little consequences in the rest of the story) might serve as a better hook. Especially since the introduction didn't quite establish the core of the story. It hints to the school life which, in truth, had very little importance besides describing Sarah's power.

On the other hand, I can't dictate such huge changes. Thus if you decide that this intro is the best, after all, I'd like to note some smaller parts that might use some revision if you decide to return to this story sometime:

• The school years are established as a memory, a prehistory. Thus a jump to the future with 'The friendship, like the leg, was never the same.' felt like an unnecessary insert that fell out of the timeline; especially since the next paragraph returns to the actions right after the fall.
• On the other hand, I didn't quite understand Natalie's reasons for blaming Sarah for the accident. The exclaim in the classroom didn't seem to be even an indirect cause for it. The girl was said to have tripped – I assume, on a shoelace or when bumping into someone. Her blame might need a bit more elaboration to sound reasonable.
• Talking about elaboration, Sarah's mother's explanation of the power felt a bit too vague – too open for interpretations – and so, prone to logic gaps. The woman said 'You have an ability to collect facts – real things that happen around you or you’ve read - and find connections between them subconsciously.' This explains perfectly how Sarah got into her line of work. Yet, tripping down the stairs was a chance event; not an act of bullying or a subconscious observation that she always walked around with her shoelaces undone (in which case, the accident could have been avoided by a mere mention of it).

The exchange between the mother and the daughter, though, was a significant one. The teddy was such a sweet and nostalgic option. It is a symbol of a childhood comfort, after all. I loved how an item that was meant just for support became so much more. It would have been nice to see how Sarah interacted with it throughout the years some more, though. It jumped to being put in the closet rather quickly.

In fact, when Sarah dreamed about floating above her own bed and saw the teddy, it seemed like she had him around all the time – physically on the bed. Thus the thought 'I haven't thought of him in years' was a bit confusing. Perhaps adding more detail to 'Letting her mind drift, she recalled the dream she had.' as to what she recalled and what differed from reality could clear this up.

Talking about confusions, I was also a bit unsure about what role Tom had in the scene when Sarah arrived at the gate. Was he alive or had he been caught in the accident as well? He seemed like a part of the ghostly crowd, yet he wasn't mentioned either in the list of passengers or when he emphasized that Sarah was on the flight. If he was alive, did he have some sort of a power to talk to the dead then? Or was he a personification of Sarah's consciousness?

Lastly, while your writing, in general, is very smooth and transits in time seamlessly, I would highly suggest working with the sense of rush after Sarah gets the call a bit more. Curt sentences, impatient body language or descriptions that would emphasize how she rushed to the scene (how she pulled up without bothering to park properly, etc.) might enhance the tension. Try to avoid 'she felt.../she wanted.../such and such emotion made her do...' Instead, going into your character's head and showing how the feeling appeared, how she realized it was that feeling and not the other could add an additional emotional layer to the story.

Still, I'm not without some more praise. The way you described how Sarah got her job had confidence in it. I trusted the technical side without a question and loved how such a small interaction could show the trust and respect between two people. It showed the skills of your character and nicely tied to her power.

The dream Sarah had before the call also was a marvellous touch. Perhaps not able to connect it to something bad when the dream was initially described, the reader is sure to have that small epiphany at the very end. Though I'm not sure why Sarah 'returned' to her flat after the accident, what she saw in the dream was an apparition in itself; perhaps not meant to be fully explained.

Intuition was such a bittersweet story. The ending especially made me feel conflicted. On one side, it was sad to see a young life go, and one who had a beloved person right in front of her. On the other side, Albert brought a sense of relief and safety not only to Sarah but to the reader as well. Everything would be all right.
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