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25 Public Reviews Given
25 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Ten Little Dinks  
Review by S.A. Merk
Rated: E | (4.5)
THis is awesome.
You are a talented writer - you are not only creative and have a clearly unique voice that is all your own, but you are also a versatile writer that demonstrates your passion and ability.
It is rare that I find an author who shows a clear mastery of good story-telling, but also one that demonstrates her skills in various and dissimilar genres and audiences. Thank you for sharing your work here.

As for this poem. I love the lyrical quality and the fun imagery that is not only well suited for your target audience, but also has a musical feel to it. The poem is diverse and contains a world of possibility. I could see this turned into a song or have it show up in an illustrated book much like Seuss' work.

The only line I got hung up on is ...two little Dinks... it just read a bit awkward at the end. The syllables and word choice just didn't flow as well as the others.
The endings also made me wonder if you shouldn't make the tenses the same so that the endings (rhyming words) ended with the same consonants. Audience is kids so I just felt it should be as easy and parallel as possible...
stew - shoe(s)
birds - fur
Just my thoughts - after a cold read. I thought I would share them in case you were still looking to refine or polish. I only offer my constructive feedback as an opinion. Just one reader - no more no less. I don't mean to offend or make any author feel like I'm correcting. I'm not. I'm just giving constructive feedback.
You probably know this already. I just always include this disclaimer just in case. *Wink*

Thanks again - you are a real gem here. I'm glad I found your work.
I will be reading more.
Scott

PS Good Luck with your book. Best wishes.
Signed
a Jealous 40-something fellow writer but still unpublished author


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of Peculiar dialogue  
Review by S.A. Merk
Rated: E | (3.5)
You've created some great personified characters. I like how they are not only interacting in character (protag vs antag) but also seem almost cathartic. The reason I emailed my questions was because I guess I wanted to determine your intent.

There are two major possibilities with something like this.
Writing it for yourself - this is somewhat cathartic and you write it like a stream of consciousness (much like Wordsworth) and it doesn't follow any pattern except what you were thinking at the time. You did this well.

Writing for an audience - then it needs some minor revision tweeks. The goal then is to engage readers with a story they can follow. You started this by personifying your inner dialogue. It wouldn't take much to turn this into something for readers to read and enjoy.
If this is your goal- all that is needed is to establish a setting at the beginning and to adhere to a plot arc that readers can follow.

This has the makings of an engaging and interesting story as well as being a means of self-exploration. I wonder if you are considering making it more like a story. It wouldn't take much. You have a great voice and creative sense of detail.
My impression during my cold read was that:

You had to explain or preface the work. Perhaps making this more like a story you could simply add a few lines at the beginning to introduce characters and establish setting?
Maybe something like "Hey who are you?" "None of your business, but I'm J, an antag."
"where are we?" "in her head you dumbass, where do you think?"
Or some kind of exchange that would reveal the types of characters and create a dialogue that is interesting to your readers. Does that make sense?

The subject matter seemed to be random. It may make sense to you. But to your readers who don't know you yet, it might be more engaging to have a goal or logical sequence that takes the two char. through a real plot arc. The conflict would be easy. The resolution would require some revision and a realistic conclusion. But from what I've read you are more than capable of the task.

I liked the idea. The writing was good. It just lacked a focus and sufficient detail to get me (as a reader) to care. Your readers (as you already know) will ask themselves why should I keep reading? Make it interesting - and they will keep reading. Write a good hook that establishes characters and setting. Develop a plot arc that follows some conflict or obstacle that gets resolved. Humorous, serious, paranormal, romantic, whatever you want - there is a world of possibilities here. It just seems to be missing the things I've mentioned. IT also appears to be an easy fix from the quality of writing that you've shown.

This is just my opinion and NOT a correction. I thought I would share some of the things I felt would help make this more like a story than an assignment or prompt. Take it for what it is. One reader just trying to offer his help. No more No less. Ok?
You did well, I think you can easily make this a creative and unique story.
Good Luck!
Scott~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review of Fly Butter  
Review by S.A. Merk
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I love this. I wonder about the ending though. The first line sets the tone and even gives a sense of character. The second line provides an abstract setting but also secures the mood and humor. The close is all too important and wraps up the poem. A Haiku much like a joke reserves the ending for a punch line. Timing, lyrical flow are very important in order to really grab your audience. This is a great set up and delivery but there is something about the end that just doesn't flow as well as the first two lines.
This is just one reader's opinion so please take this for what it is - just me giving my first impression of a cold read. Nothing more. These are suggestions NOT corrections. Poetry is very personal and you should write the way and the how of what YOU feel not what others think. But as a writer, your readers are a great resource to find out if you are successful in finding that emotional reaction that all poets strive for.
So, to that end. I got stuck on the last line. It just didn't flow like the rest. You are talented and it does accomplish a humorous feel. But from what I've read I think you can easily reword this and make it flow better. Just my humble opinion. Hope it was helpful.
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by S.A. Merk
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I really liked this story. It was well written and creative. Your tone and author’s voice is uniquely your own without re-forging worn-out plotlines and retold stories. I enjoyed reading this.
I would now offer some constructive feedback – this is not so much a review as it is one reader’s impression after a cold read. Take this for what it is – one reader’s opinion…that’s it. Don’t assign any more or less than that, please. I don’t wish to offend but did assume that you are looking for ideas to help with revision. If I’m wrong – do not read any further. If you are looking for feedback then I offer the following:
I do peer-editing and can get carried away sometimes. But my intent is be helpful not to be condescending. So please take these comments/feedback as suggestions NOT corrections. You are a good writer, I just offer my help to refine this one story. To that end, this is what I felt after I cold-read the story…

A sheet of frost hugged the window so tight that cracks erupted erratically in ugly patterns across the glass.
Great imagery and you have a good grasp of creative detail. Bu when I tried to picture this I got stuck on “cracks erupted” had a hard time imagining cracks erupting. Frost would do something more subtle and erupt sounds dynamic and violent. Again just my impression. Easy fix.

The occasional tear of water slithered down the wooden frame and landed on the cold floor with a satisfying 'plip'.
Same issue “satisfying” made me ask why? I am not invested enough to get satisfied in anything. But with another adjective this becomes a well-written sentence that is familiar and creative. I like it.

The tree outside occasionally caressed the brick of the house gently with its sharp nails, causing clicks and scratching noises to pierce through the thin air of White Top Mountain.
This is a lot of information in one sentence. My impression is that you are capable of tightening up the language. This reads that you had a flood of ideas and they all made it in. I like your author’s voice and this felt out of character for the author. The passive TELL instead of SHOW means the narrative is taking over. Try to stick to what you appear to do well…engage your reader and show him/her instead of telling. What I mean is that instead of the narrator TELLing the reader ‘the tree did this’ SHOW the reader an action or mood with something like “Nothing could pierce the thin air of White Top Mountain except the clicks and scratches made by the sharp nails of the tree outside as they caressed the brick wall of the house.”

The base of the house was lodged in thick, white, sludgy snow that reached up to, and above, the door.
Passive? Just my opinion but active voice sounds more interesting…”The cold, white snow covered everything in a thick, sludgy blanket deep enough to cover the entire door.”

Icicles hung like frozen, dead bodies in the gallows on the gutters that stretched around the house like black snakes, rattling and hissing against the strong force of the blizzard outside.
Again but -- Drop the hung; make it active instead of bombarding the reader with narrative that tells them what to think. Readers want to make conclusions (it’s how we, as writers, engage them) if we are told what to think we don’t feel invested in the story. Don’t you agree? Also, black snakes and icicles are not familiar (unless you need the ice to be black most readers find icicles a different color – let them infer); I’m not sure about strong force but I can’t think of anything better right now *Wink* --– “Icicles, like frozen bodies on the gallows, hung from the gutters hissing and rattling like angry snakes against the strong force of the blizzard.”

Mr Sutherland, the local ski resort’s caretaker, burst through the front door, sheets of ice exploding from the hinges and cracks.
I had trouble picturing this. I thought the snow covered the door. How did he burst through a snowbank covering a door? If a different door, consider dropping previous image or rewording this one.

He was a short man with a natural, pale skin colour, however his cheeks seemed to always stay rosy.
You might tighten up the narrative here. Is ski resort caretaker important info here? Could you include it in a later conversation and accomplish the same thing. If so – combine these sentences:
“Mr. S, a short pale man with cheeks that seemed to stay rosy, burst through the door in a ….”

He turned, placed his hand firmly against the cold metal handle of the door and pushed hard against the wind to slam the steel bar through the wooden holder of the door.
Great imagery and active narrative.

A pleasing clunk followed.
“Pleasing clunk”? awkward and inconsistent. Consider dropping it. Does it really help move your story? Is it necessary?

He ripped the hat off his bald head and shrugged of his snow jacket, which slid to the floor, revealing his dark red jumper.
SP error? Shrugged of vs off? -- “Ripped”? Sounds violent. Inconsistent with shrugged. “Pulling off his hat, he shrugged off…”

He shook off the excess snow and walked over into the chequered floored kitchen, over to the kettle and flicked the switch.
Too many “over”s. Tighten up the language? “Shaking off the remaining snow, he walked in the the kitchen and flicked the switch (next to, by, over the) kettle.” I also wondered how much of this is necessary. Chequered, parquet, hardwood? Does it matter? Great detail, good imagery, but if it doesn’t help the story move – cut it.

A warm red light flashed up on the kettle’s base and a low rumble began.
Great imagery except for “flashed up on…base” just sounded awkward to me. Just my opinion. But perhaps “As the warm red light beneath the kettle began to glow a low rumble began.” Or something like that.

He stared at the blinking light until the phone pierced his thoughts, startling him.
Confusing image. Is it flashing or blinking? I read a single flash but now it sounds like its blinking. Why? After I thought about it a moment, I wondered how much of this was needed. Could you just say he lit the stove to warm the kettle? Or He started a kettle for tea/soup, etc.?
The phone thing threw me. “Pierce”? Reword. Pierce his thoughts? He should be thinking something first. I didn’t know he was thinking so it read abruptly incongruent. In fact, if he is staring at a light, he is either lost in thought or mind was blank. Include this if it is important. Otherwise couldn’t the phone just grab his attention or something? Just my reaction.

He paced over to it and removed it from its body.
Paced and body read a bit awkward. Pacing is usually back and forth. The body of the phone doesn’t sound right. Maybe: He walked over to answer it.?

I just went this far to show you the kind of things I felt when I read it.It is my honest first reaction. You have a great voice and I love the tone and mood you are setting up. The genre demands that you include a sense of foreboding and suspense, so the more mundane the detail the further you get from the objective. If it is necessary then make sure to include something that helps you set the mood for the rest of the story.
Use the hints and suggestions I’ve given you to revise the rest (ONLY if they were helpful) and this should be an easy revision.*Wink* You are off to a great start and if you would like me to read more let me know. But so many authors get offended so easily that I hesitate to give any more feedback that a cursory glimpse. I want to help but hate to offend anyone. I try to be encouraging and constructive. As a fellow author I hate having sunshine blown up my --- but hate hearing nothing but negatives. So I get it. I’ll leave you with this= I think you have a gift for creative imagery and emotional details that will serve you well. There are only minor revisions that could be made that would make this a wonderful short story that will engage readers and not let them go. I hope this was helpful. I look forward to reading more from you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by S.A. Merk
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked this - you have a unique voice that comes through as somewhat playful and yet mindfully reserved...as if you are somewhat guarded while letting your readers have a glimpse of what lies beneath the words. Emotional appeal and a good use of imagery and sensory detail round out the poem.

My feedback follows so if you are easily offended don't read on.
I offer the following as my impression- it was only a cold read but first impressions often dictate whether or not your readers return to enjoy it again.
However, I am just one reader with my own opinions and preferences - so take this for what it is. One guy's feedback - trying to help - honest impression of the poem with my humble opinion as to what might make a good work even better.

First - the poem needs some editing and proofreading (spelling, grammar, etc.)
Second - Punctuation is a personal choice, but a lack of punctuation makes readers rely on enjambment. That can sometimes change the very meaning of your lines. Something to be wary of when choosing to not use punctuation.
Thirdly - I wonder about some of the word choices. Perhaps reading it aloud might give you an idea of what I mean. But some areas I read felt awkward. You have a great voice and a lyrical quality to your poem that flows so well that it makes these areas stick out. A victim of your own success I guess *Wink*

If you're interested in what one reader found in this poem I am adding a breakdown. Again, just an opinion. Just trying to be helpful. Just my reaction. What you do with it is up to you. Chuck it in the trash or use it to revise. Whatever the case, please don't take offense I am honestly trying to be helpful.
Here is my honest "cold read" reaction:

First rhyming couplet - I don't know what it means so I started off a bit lost
"Fastly...dare" the adverb was confusing and it still lacked a subject
"clumsily...soul" I LOVE this - familiar and great emotional imagery
"Capturing you as my own" - one of the best lines
"So...alone" - was somewhat confusing - incongruent feel with previous couplets
"Have...then" - sounded like spelling/grammar error
"How"- now I'm wondering why certain words are capitalized in the middle of a sentence or thought. Doesn't make sense or reinforce meaning. I feel lost and really want to understand why.
"How...happen...tree" reads like a grammar error
"Creating no...my ability not...my dream not" - the active voice with negatives seems confusing.
"My dream not..." - this is a great line - AWESOME - but because of the prior active negatives it got lost. I had to reread it. A testament to your ability as a poet - it is still a GREAT line.
"I know...feeling" - I thought this was written by someone else. It reads so different from the other lines. It felt like the narrator was speaking rhetorically or outside the poem. It felt so different from the rest that it seemed out of place.
"the gap and fit themselves" ??
"Even if...a held" ? a held?
"And...heart" - confusing. It has so much potential I hope you revise it. I love the sentiment. A martyr and the true calling of the heart - this has so much emotional appeal and the story almost tells itself I wished that the poet would expand this and drop some of the other lines. AWESOME.
" Extracting different stories been told" - totally lost - have no idea what this is supposed to mean.
"vision not...hold" - read like a forced rhyme
"I know...by" - Cupid needs cap - I LOVE THIS LINE - hindering Cupid stopping by - personifies not only the God of Love but the mission of falling in love. The narrator is reflective and familiar but takes readers along for the ride. Great job!
"i do...failing boo" - forced rhyme
"leaving Earth" - the scifi reference felt out of place - no other references to outerspace makes it feel like a push - maybe add more star, sky, space references or revise to stick with what you already created. Obscure references are ok in moderation and in context but here this felt out of place.
"immeasuravle thing" - spelling error
"But...hardship" - awkward wording
"Like...one" - spelling error - confusing sentence - not sure what it means
"I...ends" - this is an awesome feeling - a real emotional appeal to readers that will grab them right before the end. Nice work.
"I'll wake up with full of..." -- confusing and awkward - needs rewording especially as it ends the poem.

I realize this sounds critical. But it is an honest impression of a cold read by an unbiased reader...who is trying to give helpful feedback. Please don't be offended. I really liked this which is why I took the time to give you some honest feedback. This is NOT a review it is simply constructive feedback.
This poem is playful, unique, and not so aloof that it alienates readers. The emotional response is there, so it just means taking some time to polish the gem you have created. This will be a great poem.
Thanks for sharing it with us and putting yourself out there for feedback. You show real skill and creativity. Your poetic imagery and the lyrical quality are solid and with a foundation like this, I look forward to reading more from you. Keep up the good work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review of Gosa's awakening.  
Review by S.A. Merk
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sounds like you're off to a great start.
I worry about the name though. Your SciFi readers (esp. Firefly fans) might infer some incorrect detail because the name Gosa in the Firefly world means something very different. Just my thoughts about avoiding problems that are easily avoided...unless you need it to be Gosa, then I guess they will just have to deal with it.
Something to be aware of though. Thought I should mention it...it was the first thing I thought of.

As for the storyline and plot arc, I like the way you use the familiar with the fantasy to make the story feel realistic and believable. Show don't tell about the battle scars for more punch. Perhaps a flashback or something would draw readers in faster than just telling them their battle scars.

One last question from a potential reader...will you include an answer to why people are going to an R&D base that was abandoned? So many times we read stories from authors who just throw in details without explanation. When writing in this genre, there is an expectation that things make sense and are interesting. I think that this is an area that has a wealth of potential and possibility. Conflict, coincidence, and character motivation all could be developed into a secondary plot or minor arc that will help you engage and hold readers.
I think you're off to a great start with this story idea. I'd love to read it once you flesh it out.
Thanks for sharing it with us.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review by S.A. Merk
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing this item for the challenge presented by Diane .
First off let me say that this was a poignant story that engages readers from the start using familiar imagery and emotional detail. While that may sound a bit pedantic it does reflect my first impression.
You have a clearly polished voice and your use of sensory images that are not only realistic but are also familiar creates a sense of emotional investment by the reader.
Writing in the first person is not easy when you figure that the shared details are from only one POV. You did this well and I was impressed. So many times 1st person POV sounds like a journal entry or diary page, your story made it easy to suspend disbelief. Fictional or real life expository: either way it worked.
My only criticism was the consistent language and word choice. When writing in the first person I would have preferred to hear the narrative change as the narrator matured. The early descriptions were very similar to those at the end. I wonder if it would read better if there were noticeable changes in the tone and voice. Just my thoughts.
Overall, I think this was an emotionally appealing story that struck a familiar chord with me. I could follow a plot arc that took the reader on a journey with characters that matter...and were believable.
Nicely done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of GRANNY'S OLD FLAG  
Review by S.A. Merk
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am reviewing this item for the challenge presented by Diane .
This is wonderful. Not only is it patriotic it also has a lyrical quality that makes it a potential candidate for a song. I could see this turned into a CW song without much difficulty.
But for the work as is:
The first stanza sets the emotional tone of the entire poem it also introduces a unique and creative voice that appears in many of your writing portfolio items. A strong sense of faith, a familiar moral compass, and a respect and feeling of honor that seems lacking in modern poetry. I am a veteran, a non-traditional university graduate, and a writer who appreciates any story that is well told. You have touched a number of these emotional responses in me and that's not easy to do in poetry. So many poets simply try to cause the emotional response and forget to draw in and engage their audience with a meaningful story. You have managed to accomplish both in this poem.
Your sense of detail (trace the name of little Sam - I can see Granny tracing the name with her index finger) and your unique creativity (the language, the phonetic regionalism, and imagery) all combine to create a poem (and a feeling) that stays with the reader long after they have read the words.
Thank you for sharing this and for all you do.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review of Remember When  
Review by S.A. Merk
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really liked this. The lyrical tone and the rhythm of the language.
It reminded me almost immediately of an old country western ballad. Not sure if it is my mind or your poem, but that was the imagery that came through.
With that in mind my only criticism then revolves around that - so please take this for what it's worth.
I think this would read better if it were written more like a melody. But now some lines are pentameter or longer but then in the next stanza they are shorter or longer.
Long review short. ..and again in my humble one guy's opinion...I would have liked this more if each stanza had a predicatable melody to the language. Each line being the same meter in each stanza. So line one is always pentameter or hexameter or whatever you want. That way as I read the poem plays its own lyrical melody in my mind.
Just my opinion. I really liked the memories and images that you evoke with this. Nicely done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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