That's the essence of life in this world. Everyone wants something from one another, everyone wants a transaction. Not a bad thing per se, but life is wonderful when experienced to the full, and can be awful at the same time. In the end we come out stronger or not.
It's a good poem, but I feel it's dragging it's main point a bit. The only thing I can say is that I've been through similar experiences. At the end of the day, you just say: Let the world think what its want to think. You are you, you are an individual and only you know what is best for you. You have to fail and succeed constantly in this world to surivie. You have to try out new things. It is hard at first, but then playing an open world RPG video game for that matter is. Main thing is, life is hard to master for me at least. Once you do master it, then things become easier. I just look to benefit people around me.
And very much agreed on the last part, it feels when you write you write something amazing. Then after that you need to go back and edit haha!
This is a quiet, peaceful poem. Although I'm no expert, I did enjoy that the bird likes to be left alone, to be clear in its lonely path, and to feel at peace.
Kinda weird, kinda humorous, and kinda there at the moment. I think the makings of a funny story are there, but it didn't hit it for me. Because maybe you could have used this moment to make a funny satirical element with the tourist thinking of how dumb the tourists are. You could have added an element of even more scariness, and while I'm not an expert on horror, there are some ways you can improve this story which would be: Have a solid humour plot in the middle, making the ending scary, and make the start seem innocent.
Of course, this is just my opinion and nothing else!
This is a good poem, and although I am not an expert in poetry, it reminds me of the ancient myths of Mythology, especially referencing the early Mesopotamian and Greek Myths. It's a very stark critique on the nature of the Gods and the Heavens itself. I really liked this. This would be an excellent prompt for a story to make out off.
It's not often we got stories based on the Persian Empire for that matter, and for that matter, I commend you! I'm a newbie, but the main thing is that I'm not great at formatting so I'll give my honest thoughts.
There was something that confused me here: yawning breath of the rising sun - I don't get the association with the sun and the breath. Perhaps you can clarify this for me?
Perhaps a small suggestion: replace the two that had been destroyed - I would put: The two that had already been destroyed. I don't know for me it works like that, but feel free to ignore it if it doesn't help you out with that one as you are the author and you are the ultimate judge of what you think is best with your story!
For some improvement, I think the dialogue of Ariobarnazes (who really could have given Alexander a much tougher time had the Persian leadership not been so incompetent) could be more natural. As of now, it conveys what the men will do and that's great. But I can't help but feel if the dialogue was a little more grimdark and then hopeful, it would be better this way. The 'Sarge' element threw me off as I don't know why it felt it was more modern. But these are just my nitpicks with the story. I also think you could tone down the numbers and just write, maybe one hundred etc.
Another element that you can do with this story is to really bring and evoke the sense of doom that the Persians are facing. Because there hasn't been a figure like Alexander...since well, since the times of the Great Mesopotamian Kings. Alexander is effectively destroying their empire. Imagine how nations have declined in their history and try and bring that element, which you do, but I'm not feeling it strongly enough as I would want too.
The best part of the story is that you make the world come alive. The weakest part of the story is the competing POVs in my opinion. You switch from Farhad to Sergeant, to Alexander and Ariobarnazes. I would suggest a shortening down of points of view and maybe focusing on one opinion. Short stories are hard to tackle especially when you're writing on a historical subject that you feel passionate about because they end up becoming more of a novel. This short story could benefit from more research when it comes to the Persian army and it's ranks etc. I think if you went for that and replaced the 'sergeant' with something more unique, then the story would benefit a lot from it. The battle sequences are well written, but it feels to me, that the story is competing for a lot of viewpoints.
This is just my opinion, and as a conclusion, I think the dialogue could be worked on a bit, a better point of view focusing on one or two characters, and maybe the perspective of the blacksmith would be cool. Also, you kept on mentioning the two battles. It's true that the Empire was vast, and that perhaps some people wouldn't even have heard of the immense battles being fought. Some however, would have.
Anyways hope the feedback is useful in some form, and thank you for allowing me to read this story because it's very rare to find historical fiction like this on the internet and especially on the Persian Empire, contrary to belief as mainstream Western history and media have made them out to be the villains which is complete nonsense.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.19 seconds at 6:37am on Apr 24, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "