I like your story. Is it an ongoing work? You've piqued my interest with the first paragraph. The style is good, and so is the inter-relationship with the characters. Now, the things, I think, need work: editing.....there are a few too many adverbs, adjectives, and discriptions not really needed. Do you read what you've written? Think of how your audience will respond to your story. Overall, I liked your work. Keep it up.....
Although your story is interesting, you need to edit. Spacing must have gone crazy in your case. I liked the interaction between characters. proof read before posting
You captured my attention with the first sentence. Something alot of writers try and fail to do. Your storyline is reminescent of the old Mike Hammer novels, by Mickey Spillane. I enjoy this type of style. You're spot on in discription. I hop to read more of this story.
I liked the topic of your story. However, The syntax, and wording needs alot of work. Don't give up. This story has alot of potential. One way to make the sentences flow is to actually voice what you've written. If it sounds good, it probably is. All stories are actually narrations of events. try talking the story through....JMHO
You have a knack for description, backround, and interfacing. However, ' lesser mercs' falls short in your description of the main characters' usage. Other. less experienced, pros, would be a good alternative. That was the only item I took exception to in this story. You're very good at your craft.
This is great. I truly enjoyed the scene you depicted. Your interactions with the characters was well done. I love good mystery/thrillers, and this has solid potential. The only fly in the ointment is that some of your senrences are too long. I'd edit this one last time, looking for ways to brief it up... remember....beef up by briefing up
JMHO
I first thought this piece was a mystery/ thriller, and It turned out to be something entirely different. I think your sentencing is well constructed, though labored in parts. Overall, it's an interesting story. I'm assuming you were conveying an idea of something you experienced, or, are experiencing now. Keep up the good work
This story has depth in the main character's feelings about an incident he had no control over, and unabashedly feared. Real combat veterans know that being fired on is not glorious. Survival is all important, though lives sacraficed leave a heavy toll on the heart. I really enjoyed this story and wish you well in future ventures.
Your writing style is excellant. However, I feel,(and you must understand that I was in newscasting), that you may want to blue pencil your manuscript. It's very discriptive and only needs some trimming to keep the reader's flow. I can tell you really love to write. So do I. Do you have other prose I can read?
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