This is a great story and you have written it well. You even set the mood well with the diction of everyone speaking.
Starting in the second paragragh where it says she asked, I think you should say Zuri asked because I wasn't clear who she was yet.
I was very interested and thought this was great till the very end where she apparently snapped from daydreaming. It seems like the story is unfinished or something. It just totally took the story somewhere else and ended.
If there was more added to the story I think it would help the ending not seem like it came out of nowhere.
What a sad story. You told it very well. I love the ending.
There are a few typos throughout the story. You might either read through it or use the spell check to correct those.
I like how you began the story. It made the story come alive when Michaela came crying. Having kids, I can feel the ergency to comfort the child before even knowing what was wrong.
Aside from the the typos I think you did a very job writing this story.
I think the title could be something more of an attention grabber.
This is a beautiful story. It's great from beginning to end. The title is great and very fitting.
The only thing I think might make it better is if you used the senses to make some of the things come alive better. Like with the yellow roses. I like that you mention the fragrance, was it a sweet smell?
I love this poem.
It is very sweet and I think you wrote it very well.
This line reads awkward to me for some reason:
"Inside an ember flared into life,"
Maybe it could be 'Inside an ember flared to life' I don't know, something about it.
I don't think I would want to visit this place lol.
I like the way you begin and end with the paragraghs that almost parallel each other.
I thought this was good but it was weird reading it because of the odd breaks in the lines. The punctuation is good an if it weren't there, I would have gotten really lost reading this. Since this is more of a prose than it is poetry, I think it would be better to make the sentences flow better.
This is good. Exactly how kids that age would react to a new baby.
You have some nice descriptive words describing the baby. I think everywhere you mention "The Baby" it would add the emphasis if you italicised it.
I'm still interested in reading more of the story but the last paragragh didn't leave me begging for more. I think it would be good if the last paragraph made the reader eager to read the next chapter.
I think this is great. The story is enticing and I still want to read on.
I think you started it at a great spot and ended it in a good spot too. It keep the reader interested and wanting to see what happens next.
I really didn't see anything I would change. I think you did a good job with this chapter.
I think you have written this very well. I didn't see any typos or anything.
I like that you put it all in italics. You've explained everything very well.
I especially like the 8th paragragh. Nice symbolism there.
The article is very sad. To even think of a child being homeless breaks my heart.
This is part of your reviews from the review raffle
This is a very interesting poem. It's intriquing.
The title it great.
This line is the only line that didn't seem to belong. I don't understand what it has to do with the content.
"Of how much he had grown up and was destined to be the one"
destined to be the one what?
This has a nice title. It is intriquing.
The poem is nice. I think it would be better if you wrote it in a way to show and help the reader feel it rather than just tell what is going on.
In the first line, I think it would be for effective if you took the word 'itself' out.
In the second line where you say 'it seems' maybe you could word that better. Maybe it appears.
The third line is good. What do the footsteps sound like though. Are they crunching in the snow or clanking on the floor?
I think the second stanza is good.
This is a great line:
"My dreams with him are now fading like prisms
in the sun"
How sad.
This is a good story. You wrote it very well.
I like that you wrote it in first person. It helps to get the reader into the story and also feel what the character feels. I like the ending. It was unexpected, I like that.
This story is a good start of a great story. It really seems unfinished to me.
I don't really know much about shimmy. It appears that she is a young girl but if you could instill in the story more about her. How old is she? Why is she responsible for the dog? What does she look like? I'm not even really sure what the dog looks like. I like to see the story in my head as I am reading it.
Also this story just ends and I have no idea what happened. The wind started blowing but you are vague.
I like the title.
I think this will be very good if you work on it some more.
Hello
This is the first of the 10 reviews you won in the Raffle Rage II.
I like this story. You have some good imagery.
You began the story very well. I was intrigued and wanted to read more.
I love this line:
"but you always seem to end up with one un-popped kernel in the popcorn bowl."
This was a very interesting story.
I was a little disappointed with the end. It kind of seem to end abrubtly. I think it might be better if they story were a little longer. I also would like to know more about what happened to her before she came to live with her aunt and uncle.
This is a very interesting story. I was a little upset when it ended because I wanted to know what happens next.
First I think you shouldn't put the whole story in bold. And the first paragragh doesn't reel you in like I think it could.
Who is 'her'? You mention her house and other things every once in a while but I have no idea who 'her' is.
Motor sounds like a small four cylinder mini’smini truckstruck, with an open cab. Not the motors(I think motors needs an apostrophe) sound of a full-bodied Dooley diesel.
I like this line:
The unknown driver must have heard my thoughts.
I like the part about the character using the iron. It was kind of humorous.
I think you do a great job telling the story from about the middle to the end but the beginning I think needs some work. I think the story needs to be set up better so we know what is going on. Maybe you can begin the story telling about the case you mentioned and tell why you came to Florida. That way the reader won't be in the dark with the character lol.
I think this is going to be a great story.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shadow777
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.30 seconds at 6:34pm on Apr 19, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
