I'm a wife to a soldier in afghanistan. I wanted to say it's nice to see the soldiers side of things in writing from time to time. We certainly don't give our soliders enough credit as a whole in society. Thank you for taking the time to post this. You gave me a bright spot in my day :)
NeoRadical RepubliCons chose how to so waste our might ---
the flow in this sentence stops at --to so-, perhaps different words are needed.
The second stanza has many different sizes of type, making it straining on the eye.
It also is way to confusing for the average reader. I can see it's point and understand what you are getting at though.
"The job is almost done! "
"Must keep them Terrorists on the run!"
"We can't abandon Iraq until we know we've won."
"So sorry for the 100 dead civilians per insurgent one."
"Just another 30,000 surge, so send us your brave sons."
"Trillion dollar debts, their kids can pay these no small sums!"
"Waterboarding works. Don't call it torture. We don't break thumbs!"
NO NO NO! Time true Patriots stand and shout "Convict these Bums!"
I love this Stanza. The flow is fantastic, words used that everone can understand.
I rate this a 3, because the bones are good, however there much revision needed.
keep in mind this is just a review and can be used as you see fit.
thanks
shannah
I think it's well written pretty much from start to finish. It fit the perameters of the contest. It certainly was a missed oppertunity. It was told in a way that allowed good flow. Having had 4 children myself I know the cost of parenthood. Sometimes the price seems too high, other times you feel rewarded for such sacrifices. It's a long road. Well done on the story.
I came across your portfolio and Bio so that I may submit a poem I've written for a contest. I wanted to say that even if for what ever reason I do not submit, or my submission is not chosen, I will by no means be dissappointed. I have since read through your about me submission as well as the Reasons and purpose of life..And I can say that I fall into the 2nd category. I'm a spiritual believer and That only deepends as I get older and learn more. I research alot and love to learn. It's almost a passion and I am positive I will be learning right until the end of my life.
You've certainly inspired me to take a much better look at my own Bio. There's a much more valuable person then what I've set in writing there.
I would like to also ask you. If you start off your like In one of the 3 categories, would you think it possible to change your view enough through information or an incident to convert you whole heartedly to one of the other categories?
I have writen a small paper on migraines in my portfolio. Perhaps you would be so kind and to give it a read. Maybe I can improve on it before I submit it to publish in a paper or magazine.
it's been a pleasure, and I plan to return to view more of your writings.
Shannah
I LOVE THIS! Fantastic. Maybe because my husband and I are chocolate lovers. We have a special store we go to as a treat for ourselves. He's currently deployed in afghanistan and you know what..reading your story was like spending a few minutes with him. It reminded me of when we share a nice box of chocolates. The descriptions ring true..and brought me back there with him. Thank- you!..i'll have to check out your port for other stuff.
I like the fact this is written from the female perspective. Often Vampire books are written from the male perspective. I can see you are filling a good void with the mental telepathy. I haven't seen alot of this so it adds a new dimention. I'd love to read the other chapters.
I like reading the different perspectives. Seeing it from one persons thoughts, then doing the sceen over again from the second person. I'd love to read more when you've got more done. I haven't posted much yet myself, just a article that has been prepared for local health mag..take a look and give me a review if you have time.
I like it. We don't take too seriously what the earth is now going through because of our own neglect. It's a good deep look that you have captured on paper. I'm wondering what places you could publish such works. The dark stuff is always more real, but hard to market. Good luck with this one.
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