Once again, a great poem. I love your different turns of phrase- especially "crossing silver drenched fields". It created such a stunning image in my mind as I read it.
I like how each stanza pulls the reader from one to the next.
I really enjoy your poetry. You have a lyrical way of breaking the stanzas which ensures the reader continues from one to the next. You also have an awesome talent for imagery and choosing just the right word to help build a picture in the readers mind.
Cute poem. I wish purple pumpkins really existed as it's my favorite color. Alas, short of painting them, I'm as bereft as your child in the poem. Grin.
This bit made me laugh. I couldn't help but envision My Cousin Vinny when reading it. And also made me think about how often I use the word, "Dude", which, the way I use it, is almost as useful as a certain four letter word that can also be noun, verb, adjective, etc.
I love colloquialisms! Y'all is valid, at least in my view.
Great poem. There's wonderful visual imagery and sound throughout that easily sets the scene in the reader's mind. I really liked the phrase "first dark, then pale, then growing rare". Nice touch on using the same phrase "shadows wriggle against the walls" naturally throughout each of the four stanzas. Thank you for sharing.
This was a great read. I was able to sympathize with your main character, Herman and felt hope each time he did. Well written and I especially loved the ending.
This is an excellent story. Great twist at the end. I'm usually pretty good at seeing things coming in stories and tv, but this one slipped right by me. Probably because I dismissed Jim as a bit of a buffoon, which is exactly what you intended.
The only suggestion I would make is that I'd gotten the impression the POV character was a female prior to the revelation that the main character was a male once you mentioned the name Mitch. Maybe consider adding an action or two prior to revealing the name that leans masculine?
Then again- it's possible I'm being too old-fashioned in my perceptions. The story as a whole was absolutely awesome and enjoyable. Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful poem that celebrates the life of a cherished companion. Many times I've felt the similar urge to look for or pet a friend who's left. I remember the joys they brought and the ache they left behind when their journey ended.
I like the alternating rhyme you have on this.
I'm glad you have happy memories to help balance the loss.
Very raw and emotional poem.
Good rhythm.
Well written.
I like the different stanza sizes and the break in the middle gives a big punch.
On a side note, never forget there is always someone that cares and is there. You are stronger than you realize and I've found that if you focus on the little things- it can help get you through the big things. Even if it's only taking a moment to appreciate the way the shadow falls through the window, or the softness of a velvet blanket, or a cute animal video or show. When an hour is too much, find solace in the beauty of a minute.
Interesting introspective on either introversion or depression. I think it fits both as an introvert often prefers to be alone- to view rather than react or interact. And depression leaves one wanting to be outside- wanting to be apart. But life does push and pull. As you stated- it abhors isolation and seeks to push chaos and life everywhere.
I like this. At first I envisioned a flower and then as I came across the "it is hated" line- then I began to wonder what flower or weed was the target. I smiled once I got to the dandelion part. I share the conflict. It's truly a pretty flower with multiple beneficial uses, but because it persists in growing in what should be a nice pristine lawn- we consider it a weed.
I really like the last stanza- a wry observation that even beauty cannot spare one if it stands out where it shouldn't.
Alas, it is true
Even beauty must be gone
If it does not fit
I like this poem. Has a nice tempo, mix of one word and longer sentences breaks up the flow, but doesn't feel choppy.
I think the poem makes the reader wonder. Is the author talking merely about black holes and the mystery, finality, and inevitability of them, or is he talking about his approaching death? Maybe both?
It doesn't leave the reader feel as is the author has lost hope, but more that the author has accepted fate with a slightly cynical, but overall calm. A contradiction in itself, which I think is portrayed well by the choice of a black hole; something that is both a beginning and an end- as perhaps is death.
I liked the phrase- God’s hands are cruel, His lessons are rules, Not to live by, But rather to die by. Bitter and sarcastic, but true.
Only one thing stood out in the poem- was rather jarring in fact. It betrayed the tone, the subtle anger, that is evident within the piece. The word Heck just doesn't belong here. I know it rhymes, but the piece has such an adult feel. Such an honest, deep, and realistic feel, that the timid word, the child word of "heck" smacks the reader completely out of the poem for a moment.
The poem flows, it blends so well the disparate pieces and ideas, that sticking that weak, little word in there is a disservice. I recommend you consider replacing it- perhaps rephrase the lines around it if need be in order to keep your rhyme.
LOL. I think my favorite was the stanza-
The
percolator sings
Monday’s hot melody.
This poem made me smile and I must admit it's a rather cheery outlook on Monday than people normally have. Very cute description of coffee brewing. I quite like it.
I really like the phrase "asphalt of irrational fears". It gives a visual imagery of hard unyielding stone. It's an analogy I don't think I've heard before and I quite like it. Kudu's for tackling each of these poetry forms so successfully.
The sound of waves caress a shore- almost a mixed metaphor here. Sound mixed with touch- it makes this opening sentence seem a bit off. You may wish to revise.
I like the entire second stanza. Nice pacing- nice imagery
4th stanza- pacing is off- consider word choice
6th stanza-pacing is off- consider word choice
3 & 5- pacing and imagery are good
I like the ending- I think you've done a good job of creating a character mourning for her love and who is drawn to the sea. Likening the sea's embrace with a lovers at the end is skillfully done. I think you could cut a few stanza's and increase the overall pacing of the poem while keeping the theme. You may wish to consider eliminating the stanza's from the "ghost lover" and keep it all from the woman's POV, but that's just my suggestion.
Technical concerns:
The first stanza the 3rd and 4th lines seem a bit off on pacing.
The second stanza I read several times and couldn't seem to find a pace at all. You may want to consider word choice.
Imagery:
This poem has great descriptive words, darkened night, flaunted pride, flashing thunder. However, the first stanza and the second stanza seem to describe two entirely different stars. One is craven like a thief, streaking silently, yet the second stanza has the same star booming in thunder, with aplomb and flair. There is conflict between the subject (the star) between the first and second stanzas.
While the words you have chosen have great descriptive value, I think you would benefit from choosing a mood- either the silent craven thief, or the bold thundering one- but trying for both distracts from the poem overall.
You've made a good start. I think with a little revision, you can have a great poem.
You started out strong- grabbing your readers attention with the "let me tell you bout love" - kept it with the head butt- but then where's the ending? There needs to be some type of closure here. Its as if you were writing and then walked away in the middle of it. Stephen King might have gotten away with that at the end of "the fog" but, as a reader, I'm wanting an ending. LOL.
Overall, a very good read. Poignant and interesting. The only suggestion I would have is that you tone down the adjective/adverb use. There are a few spots where its a bit much. I have a few suggestions below.
east-facing room becomes room.
pale white walls reaching up to a small, textured ceiling.
(you already used small in this sentence so remove WHITE and remove the SMALL)
what he came to know as- Remove - just leave the breakfast
Her heavy brown eyes showed a moist redness, her tear ducts swollen from overuse.
change to her brown eyes were red, her tear ducts swollen from overuse.
Spunky little poem- nice bit of irony throughout. Only jarring part was the way you formatted it. I realize it was on purpose, but it does make it somewhat difficult to read and takes away somewhat from the enjoyment of the poem.
Last stanza is a bit off- doesn't flow quite right. Otherwise- good job!
Minor suggestions for improvement- you have several spots where there are two dots. I would suggest either putting the correct punctuation of a period, or removing the dots altogether.
A few other changes that might make the poem flow better-
Change- Why don't it's people just let me be?
to Why don't people just let me be?
Labels and judgements in abundance are,- to are in abundance
Soon gonna take my sanity!- to Soon they will take my sanity
and I need not steer anyone else's Ships!
to No need to steer another's ship.
Other than that- nice visual words. You did a great job of describing the impetuousness of a child to the restraint and wisdom of an adult and the longing and regret we feel when we realize we lost a bit of our passion as we grew up.
I have a couple of questions. Are you looking to do pieces that travel journals or magazines would post to assist/inform potential tourists- IE like a Fromer's Guide?
Or are you looking to do more of a non-fiction book relating your travels similar to say Anthony Bourdain and his Kitchen Confidential book?
If you are looking to do more like the travel pieces/Fromer thing- then you need to take most of the personal experiences out- especially the "happy" pizza experience and make it more of a "here's what to look for, here's what to expect, I recommend seeing this, etc etc.
If you are looking to do a collection of travel experiences- then the piece you have written works great, but I doubt it will market well to a travel magazine. You would want to collect all the experiences together and market it to a non-fiction publisher.
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