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1
1
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a good beginning on an excellent scary story. It's got all the makings of a spook-tacular piece: interesting characters, detailed plot, and lots of action. It just needs to be filled out more. Make it a game with yourself. Take each paragraph and try to make it into a whole page. Write everything you can think about pertaining to that specific paragraph. That's the next step for this piece.

You don't really need to expand the dialogue much, it's all pretty good.

Like I said, a very good beginning and worthy of the next step. *Smile*

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2
2
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very enticing read! I can't wait to continue! The first two chapters were fantastic. Not a thing to quibble about. This one only gives me one question: Why does Miss Anne rush into telling them they're the ones? She says 'maybe it means you're the ones...' Why does she jump in telling them for sure they are, right after that? If it is indeed a 'maybe', she should use the word 'if' frequently, and hesitate before certain key parts (just right there at the end where she doesn't elaborate after Charmian asks 'He?'. And right where Miss Anne says, 'That's where you two come in.').

If it's a certain thing in Miss Anne's mind that these two are 'the ones', then she shouldn't use the word 'maybe' at all, shouldn't downplay it at that point. She should explain she had a vision or dream of them and how they were the ones.

Really fantastic read! I'll drop in from time to time to continue. *Smile*

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3
Review of Fresh Air  
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very well done short story. A very unique idea, I think. I have just one or two quick suggestions:

Try to show us her height, make her walk next to someone who has to crane back to look at her, or maybe have her walk next to a sign showing the maximum height allowed safely on Earth. Also, you could put her in a conversation w/ her brother via a comlink of some kind to show us how badly he wants to come. Then they could discuss the paid journey, and the reason why she's going.

Also, try to 'microscene' the important thoughts of this story. Explode the feeling of her taking her first breath. Write as much as you can possibly think about that. Do the same with the feel of the gravity on her spine (since that's such a big deal in this story).

Er, I just now realized I assumed this character was female. If not, sorry. *Blush*

Beautifully unique idea. I really like it. If you have any questions or would like me to reread this later, please feel free to send me a note. Good luck w/ your application to "Longswords, Lasers, & Literature: CLOSED"  [13+].

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Review of The Memory Of Her  
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: E | (4.5)
Like I said, it's a very well done, poignant story.

The first thing I'd recommend is to move the 'Please forgive' up to be the second paragraph in the whole piece. Then draw a line between the intro (Thanx to Dawn) and the actual story, to help eliminate confusion.

Hyphens: cat-like, honest-to-god.

13 should be written out: thirteen.

they way she walked

lawnmower is one word

front porch were (where), as she would put it.(comma) ‘We would cop a squat' I (comma) always being very shy (comma) could

“I see you(r) parents have the house up for sale.” Who said this? It would be a natural conclusion to think you did.

What did you see in those 'gorgeous green eyes'? Were they sad? Questioning? How did they make you feel? What happened in the pit of your stomach? Did your breath catch? Did the sunlight play on her hair? All these things will only add to the emotional element of this memory. As you noticed things (like painted toenails in sandals) it shows us more of your emotional state of mind and thoughts.

We finished our Pepsi’s (nix the apostrophe)

You weaken the power of this memory a tad, by the way you phrase things. Instead of 'She gave a wink', try 'She winked', or instead of 'she asked, wearing a small smile', try 'she asked, with a small smile.' It's not changing the words so much, only the power of the emotion.

Speaking volumes is cliche and weakens the emotion also. Find a more original way to say it.

“This may sound silly, but I hate when you muss my hair.” My voice quivered as I spoke.

“You make me feel like a little kid when you do that.”

“I think you’re the most beautiful women I ever met, not just because your extremely pretty but your also very nice not just to me but everyone.”

“ I wish I was five years older so you would look at me differently and like me for being me, not just your nice kid neighbor.” Combine these four into one paragraph, just as is, so the reader doesn't skim over it to quickly. This is a very important point in the whole piece, as is the hug and kiss.

'couldn(apostrophe)t function'

Like I said, it's a very poignant memory, and I'm glad you decided to share it with all of us here. The suggestions I've made are just that: suggestions only. You won't offend if you disagree. I hope that I've helped some, the changes are minor and are strictly writing things, nothing about the content (which I wouldn't dream of suggesting a change on). You're a good writer, keep it up!

My rating scale:
3.0-3.5 = average for that writer
3.5-4.0 = better than average for that writer
4.5-5.0 = publishable with minor adjustments

There are no good writers, only good editors.

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5
5
Review of Our Center  
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice poem, however the capital letters consistently throughout really distracts and distances the reader. It's like coming up to a solid wall. Unfortunately, a distanced reader is one likely to not continue reading. Good luck with your writing. *Smile*

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6
6
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is very moving and evokes quite a bit of emotion. You've definitely got a knack for poetry. You might want to tighten up your punctuation, and take a look at the rhyming scheme. If you don't intend for it to rhyme, then you should consider alternate words to make that more clear. Beautiful poem.

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7
7
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Though I like this chapter, I don't feel you did as well with it as the previous ones. I like that you build the romance suspense between them.

The characters both seem flat and a touch cliche. You might want to spend some time filling out details about their pasts and hopes and fears, just for you to know so that you can build them deeper. *Flower2*

You say that a small sound awakened Misty. Doesn't she look around for that? What did it sound like to her?

I'd recommend you pull Misty's POV out of this chapter all together. Maybe put it in the previous chapter or show it from Kai's POV as he peeps in to check on her.

*Star* On the whole, a chapter that is very worthy of working on. It needs to be deepened, and the characters need to be filled out much better, but it's a good storyline here. *Star*

*Balloon2* *Balloon4* *Balloon6* I think your story on the whole, grabs the reader and pulls them in. Not an easy task!! The problems you have are consistent throughout so far, so I don't think it'll be that difficult to fix. Just remember, it's your job to paint the story for the reader, otherwise it's just a white page with black letters. Very Nice Job on the whole!!!*Balloon2* *Balloon4* *Balloon6*

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8
8
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
We're back to Misty's POV, and you've certainly begun to build the suspense a nice little bit here. *Smile*

One of the first things I'd suggest is to make that 'nightmare' into a giant microscene. If I'm right, that's a central key to your whole novel, and it deserves to be treated as such. Take each sentence and make it into 3 or 4, filling in as much detail as possible. Furthermore, make that disoriented moment stretch forever. Fill in details about her panic and the stillness of the night as she looks wildly around for the figure. And what goes through her head when the light suddenly appears? If it's a candle-type magelight, it can't do that, btw. *Flower6*

Why does Kai call her 'dear'? And does he look at her in a certain way? You really don't show him at all in this chapter. He's just a piece of cardboard speaking. You know what I mean? There's no depth there.

She can't really tell that she fell asleep before her head hit the pillow, because she's asleep. That rips us out of her POV and into the author's. Never a good thing.

You should move Kris's name next to the words 'best friend' (her best friend, Kris,)in order to show they are one and the same.

*Star* Fantastic spooky scene and chapter on the whole. It alludes to the workings of several secrets. Bigger it. *Star*


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9
9
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I think this is a good continuation of your story, and I'm glad you've brought in his POV (which you seem to handle well). *Smile*

You seem to do a lot of explaining in this chapter, instead of showing us. What if a sudden image of those saphire eyes filled his memory and made his heart twist with desire, instead of just stating that he remembered them? Or if his fingers still burned from touching her, and he wipes them on his robe to try to erase that link that formed?

Calling the approaching army a 'scourge' is way overused and cliche. *Wink*

What does the Baron's expression of extreme annoyance look like, exactly?

The Baron needs to be rounded out more, he reads as very flat. I once read that to make things seem real to the reader, you need to get extravagant. Make his anger larger than life. Make Kai's anxiety absolutely overwhelming. *Flower4*

*Star* On the whole, I really like this chapter, but it needs to be exploded with specifics into a much bigger piece. *Star*

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10
10
Review of The Nova  
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a wonderful piece of humor! I just love it. Congrats on a well done piece. No comments to correct it. I can only assume the lack of spacing and the formatting is intentional. Nice job on the whole. *Smile*

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11
11
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is an interesting and spooky tale. I've always been fond of these kinds of stories, the 'what you don't know is really there CAN kill you'. Kinda Stephen King-ish. Okay, don't get a swelled head over that. *Laugh*

I think this one will take longer to revise than the other two, though the problems aren't that difficult, but it'll take more time to think it through.

I've said I like how you start your stories slowly, and I do, but this one is a little too slow. I don't think you should remove anything, though. Rather, I think you ought to sprinkle seemingly innocent clues throughout the beginning. Like a found set of car keys, or some kind of awful smell at one point of the lake (where a creature might have died a while back), or even a fast ripple in the water when Bill might wake up in the middle of the night and glances out at the lake. You know, little things to build the suspense and make your reader's skin crawl.

There's the (ahem) POV problem. We really shouldn't see anything from Dodge's POV, nor learn about the lakes unless Bill actually thinks it. Don't hurt me for that one. You did a beautiful job with the background of the lakes and the whole area. Just show it from inside him. *Bigsmile*

Another thing, and perhaps the biggest one. I can't really see the creatures. I mean, you tell me what appendages they have, and how the octopus arm works, but I don't see how they stand, especially with that fish tail. The rule of thumb for aliens and creatures: evolution has to make sense. And if it isn't possible here on earth in one of the MANY ecosystems, in some form or another, the it isn't believable to the masses (even if it really could happen). I'm not saying these creatures can't have a fish tail and legs, but I want to know that it'll actually work. And I want to know how they transmit oxygen to Bill through that tentacle thingy.

See, I told you they weren't big problems, just long thinking ones. *Bigsmile* When you get done, let me know and I'll swing back by for another look-see.

There are no good writers, only good editors.

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Review of The Gas Man  
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Another great story! *Bigsmile* Another nice slow buildup and smack at the end. I like this one better than the last one even!!!

Again, watch the POV. You bounce into the author a few times, but nothing major. Just remember, we ARE the character. If he doesn’t notice it, we don’t either.

Instead of ‘backing the propane truck carefully’, how about ‘inched the truck back, twisting his head from side to side as he watched through the mirrors.’ It shows more of the character’s personality that way. Just a suggestion. *Smile* Same thing about him having dinner over at Mrs. McHale’s house. Instead of you, the author, telling us that he had dinner frequently there, maybe show it to us in her questions: ‘Been a couple weeks since you’ve eaten dinner with us, how about you bring Cindy and Helen over tomorrow night.’ Or something like that. Again, it shows us more of the character and how loved he is by the community (thus increasing the horror factor at the end).

I also thought you mentioned reeling in the hose a touch too fast at Mrs. McHale’s house. Just give us one more sentence to that.

You should let us hear Mr. Johnson yelling at his wife. It’ll build our sympathies with Bennett more.

Other than that, I think you’ve done spectacularly with this story. *Bigsmile*

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13
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Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I like your writing!!! But you knew that already. You ease into the story nice and slow, and then hit the reader with quite a punch by the end of the story. I can tell you’ve done quite a bit of work on this already. For the most part, it flows really smoothly. There are a few hiccups, but nothing really major. *Smile*

Because you enter your character’s mind, you’re in his POV. And that’s good, it enables the reader to bond with the character. Very good if you want to scare people. *Wink* However, when you put in the author’s interjections where the author speaks directly to the reader (You see…, Likewise…), you bounce the reader right out of Mark’s head. Also, you need to keep an eye on what Mark can and what Mark can’t see. If he can’t see it, the reader can’t either, because we ARE Mark. If he fails to notice any of the scenery, so will we. I wouldn’t get rid of that, but I’d change how Mark perceives the scenery. *Balloon4*

*Star* The part of the dog was really wonderful! Very creepy. *Star*

The third paragraph kinda sticks out as being out of place. I’d recommend moving it farther back into the story. Maybe even close to the end while the house is burning around him. Just a thought.

The three or four childhood memories in a row, kinda slow the pace down some. I’d move one of those, too.

The part about the squirrel is a little confusing.

*Star* The scene about his mom’s body is great. Make it bigger since it’s an important piece to the puzzle *Star*

I hope this review helps. These things are just suggestions. I’m not trying to rewrite your story, I think the story is great as is. I just found these snags and thought to bring them to your attention. As I said, I really like the slow buildup to the climactic punch. And yes, it IS a punch. Nice job!! *Smile*

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14
14
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I see you've recently modified this, so if I give you feedback that's slightly out of date, I apologize.

*Smile* This is such a fun beginning to a wonderful story! You started it in the exact right spot with a very nice lead-in full of intrigue and promise. *Smile*

Your second paragraph begins with her hair, and that little bit could be shown a little bit better. What does the action ‘ruthlessly twisting’ look like? Does she snatch at her wild tangle of curls and jerk them into a bun, or does she just spiral them around and around, tighter and tighter? Or both? Inquiring minds need to know *Wink*.

Likewise, I’d like to see her doing some of that drudgework, or at least hear her remark on it as she passes by it. “Looks like she missed a spot when she scrubbed the fireplace. Of course it had been three in the morning while she’d been choking down the dried up leftovers from the family’s plates.” Or “She scurried past the table, swiping at crumbs out of habit.” Bad examples, but you get the idea.

Where she slips quietly down the stairs is a little confusing because you tell us this once, and then show it to us again. The effect is that she goes down them twice. Maybe just clarify that first little bit.

*Flower4* This scene with Jack is a spectacular scene. I’d really love to see you pull that into a much larger microscene. It, more than anything, says a lot to her character and her motivations.

Likewise, with Misty out in the open mixing with the people, you’re missing a good opportunity to show what the culture is like in that society. Let her see and smell the clothes. Let her feel the people jostle her. Let her hear their voices and smell their body odor… *Frown*

How long was that line Misty had to stand in? You should show that right away. What is she thinking when she wistfully watches young people say goodbye to their families?

Watch your POV. You switch to the Author’s POV when you begin to talk about the ‘olden days’ of Roscetta and Goranga warring. That moves the reader right out of your character’s head, losing the special bond between reader and character, and distancing the reader from the story.

*Flower2* Nice interplay between Misty and Gorlick. Make that bigger. *Flower6*

The auction was nice, though I would have liked to hear some of the bidding, especially the beginning of the first one. We should also hear Misty’s name being called. I want to see her check her appearance more, maybe fumble with her hair some.

Does Misty ever run into Jess again? If not, then get rid of his name, we really don’t need it.

Very nice description: ‘lazily hooded’ eyes. Bring it out more. Make it a small microscene in itself.

Lovely last two paragraphs. Just lovely. *Smile* *Flower6* *Flower2*

My biggest recommendation is for you to bigger it. All of it. Add more sensory detail, dig into those microscenes. You’ve begun a very fine story. It makes me eager to read on. *Bigsmile*

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Review of All I Really Want  
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I really like this poem. Though I admit, I wasn't too keen on it until I got to the fifth stanza. Then I sat up and started to really take notice. After I finished (very excited I might add) I saw how it was a gradual progression from the first stanza to the last. And how the first few stanzas not only set the framework for the poem, but also lead the reader into the writer, step by step.

After re-reading it and coming to the above conclusion, I had to go back and decide why I got so impatient in the fourth stanza. I decided it's a combination between the tail end of the third stanza and the beginning of the forth. Something jars there, or more precisely, something doesn't grab me there. I think it's the lack of emotion in the musician thing, coupled with the computer thing (also an unemotional item). I recommend a tiny touch there to keep the reader in emotional flow.

Nice piece. You write well, and I can see you spend a lot of time thinking about your works.

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16
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Review of Nightfall  
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really like your writing style. You pop the characters to life and make them walk right across the page. Beautiful!!! You make a really nice background, including plenty of sensory detail. Very nice.

You DO use a few words that weaken your story (slightly is one). A weakening phrase: 'had just begun to spread' (try just 'spread' or 'reached' since it's fingers).

The one thing I would really recommend is to open up your story. Try going way in-depth on each sentence: They were a friendly, foolish bunch, and waved him to a seat at his asking. *Right* One of them stood, lifting his neighbor from his seat and tossing him onto the floor. "Youz ken sit here." The table broke out in racous laughter. Make it a game with yourself to see how many sentences you can make from the original one. Try to avoid the 'be' verbs. They aren't bad, per se, but they're indicators of flat static writing.

I really love you story. I love your characters. You have a way of pulling emotion right out of your reader. Really, really, really great!

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Review of Old Words  
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
LOL! I like this. You could do a whole string of stories based on this. Or not. It's good as a stand alone, but it leaves the reader wanting more. That's good, isn't it? You have quite a story telling form here. I think you ought to pursue SF a little, it's obvious you have a talent for it. Nice job. If you decide to fix this one up, let me know and I'll dig into it for an in-depth review.

SherrasQ
There are no good writers, only good editors.

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18
18
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like that you give us different places to plug our items. It makes the 'Shameless' page less congested, and it doesn't scroll items off the bottom of the page as quickly. This activities page is just perfect. Nice job. Good idea.

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19
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Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Spectacular Group! I love that a full 3/4 of the members are preferred authors, and over 1/2 are in the top 100 reviewers consistently every month. A great place for people to get serious reviews for their SF/Fantasy works. Fantastic Idea! Fantastic job leading your group, too.

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20
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Review by SherrasQ
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Lovely! I just like the way you pop the picture right out in front of me. The words are descriptive and fulfilling in sound and shape. The only question I have is the use of the word 'caterwauling'. I realize that technically it's correct, however it reminds me of, well, cats. It's not a word often used with dogs. No doubt just a personal quirk of mine.

Spectacular though, really.

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21
21
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
And now for the overall comments. I really really like this beginning. Your writing reminds me a little of Nelson DeMille: The Lion's Game and By the River Babylon.

I'm just going to assume this is a rough/first draft. You've got a lot of passive sentences and flat statements that could be showing us the story instead.

As I said in my Chapter 1 review, try to limit the dry step-by-step approach. Intersperce it with dialogue or something else. You don't have to put every step down either. Skip the minor ones.

Add a few microscenes here and there also. Like the image of the snake in the tank lid. That could be made bigger into a memory and a private terror. Maybe he bangs on the lid with a stick before he opens it.

I also assume you're going for an omniscient POV, and that this is intentional. I agree with that choice, except when you write Dusty. Keep him 3rd person limited. Makes the reader bond more closely with him.

I've written several novels, so trust me when I tell you that the best thing you can do is finish this novel first before you try to rewrite part of it.

That's about it. Great job on the whole. Let me know when you get more posted.


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22
22
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is another sparkling continuation. You've really done a great job here.

I wonder if you could combine this chapter with the last? It would add the length so badly needed to the other chapter. It reads as though you have quite a long and in-depth novel planned, so I don't think it would hurt to combine the two.

The pallets of C-4 consisted of eight wooden boxes each. The wooden boxes contained two pound bricks of the rubbery compound. To make C-4 explosive, it must be compressed tightly, and ignited. Without compression, it will simply burn, like a piece of cardboard. You bounced into the author as a POV character here, even though it looks like you tried to pull it into Ibrim's POV. Jarrs the reader.

Before loading them onto the truck, each box was opened, and a blasting cap was shoved into a brick. Then a small piece of plywood was inserted on top of the explosives. The lids were then forced closed and taped shut, providing the needed compression.
Abdul found the shelf where the blasting caps were stored, and quickly set to making the fuses for the others. Am I reading this right? Did they place the blasting caps before they found them?

The last comment for this chapter is really just a question. Why wouldn't the nearby piers catch on fire? I'm sure the fireball from the blast is big enough.

Great continuation. Looking forward to more when you get it done.
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Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is really a nice follow-up to the last chapter. Not a whole lot to say about this one., except I am a little dismayed that it's so much shorter. You do such a nice job of bringing these characters to life.

At first, I was confused about the timing of this, but being fairly clever *Bigsmile*, I caught on quickly. I agree that this should be the second chapter, though in the plot line, it occurs earlier in time. For the story line, I like it where it is.

Upon arriving at the car, the pulled off the masks and collapsed on the seat, gasping for air. You mean 'they', don't you?

The ending of this chapter felt a little rushed.

As I said, nice follow-up. This chapter does it's job well: It opens up the story for my understanding and sucks me deeper into it, making me want to read on. Good job.

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24
24
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I'm going to give me yreview for each chapter, then the one for the folder will detail consistent problems I've noticed throughout that I didn't bring up here.

Really nice first chapter with a great attention to detail. You've started the story in the right place with a likeable character that is easy to bond with. Well done.

At times, that attention to detail slows down the reader just a touch too much. Maybe intersperce it with dialogue or something, otherwise it reads, "And then, And then, And then." Can get tedious.

After reeling in the hose and dropping the receipt in the mailbox, he nosed the truck around the corner and parked under a tree beside the boat ramp. This sentence is so far after the paragraph that explains that his last delivery for teh day was on the Island where he wants to fish, I forgot already and was surprised when he just drove around the corner. I wonder if you don't need to rearrange things a little.

Unconcerned, he hit the power button and busted into a rousing rendition of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man.” Power button of..? There's more than one power button in a truck.

“Be careful, baby,” she pleaded. “God only knows what kind of s*** they’ve spilled.”
Dusty assured her he would be careful, and pressed the small red button to break the connection. Again, button of what?

Nice fast pace to your first chapter with only a few minor glitches. The dialogue is fantastic, as is the character portrayal. Looking forward to the rest.

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25
25
Review by SherrasQ
Rated: E | (3.5)
I read this story, but I had a hard time understanding it. I think most of that is a language barrier. It seems as if you've thought about this story quite awhile, and have a really good idea what you'd like to do with it and where you plan for it to go.

The best suggestion I could give you is to slow down. Use this story as an outline and build it bigger and fuller. Get detailed and descriptive.

Take each action point in this story and break it into it's own scene. I'd really like to see this when you're done with it. Good luck, and let me know if you have any questions about this review.

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