I line 4 I think you meant Savior not savoir. The rhyme scheme was general but it worked. The flow seemed to be a little off. I do not know exactly what it is about it. I think it is Line 4. seems like it could be missing a word. :/ Over all this is a pretty decent poem. I do like that it is generic enough that this could describe a multitude of possible relationships. So that should help capture a wider audience. Which is never a bad thing. Right?
Okay, the only technical aspect I can think of, (unless of course there is a personal creative need for it) is line 12. It seems to be a incoherent line. Everything else pretty much flows along just fine then I hit that line and I am lost. Did you mean to put "it" before "out"? Even though this is a good poem with little grammatical flaws it seems to be filled with generic descriptions and metaphors. However, it does convey the feeling well. So I guess there would be little to change except for maybe line 12.
The only technical error I could find was in line 15 you put "shinning" when I think you meant shining. I also think maybe removing a few of the shinings and replacing them with appropriate synonyms or maybe just completely different visual words to add more to the description. All and all this is a pretty decent ode to the sun. I do wonder about the random capitalization such as in "planet" on line four. Is this intentional? It happens in another part as well.
Technically speaking there is nothing wrong with this piece. It flows well and there are no spelling or grammar errors. At least none visible to me. It also forces the reader to reflect on if it is actually Satan or someone with Satanic qualities. That or maybe I always try to find something deeper in a poem. Either way, this was a pretty decent read and I look forward to reading more.
"That you still do I pray."- I would maybe suggest putting a comma between do and I. It kind of stumbles here.
"If that's to much for you,"-spelling error, I believe you meant too.
It opens up with promise but seems to fade towards the end. The punctuation and structure, I feel, inhibits from a smooth read. I do think that this is a subject matter that most people can understand and empathize with. I just feel that if this was smoothed out and refined a little then it would make for a better read.
In the very beginning you used the word rain twice right off the bat. I would suggest using a different term in maybe the second one. Like down pour, or trickle. This will add more description while still referring to the rain that is being looked through. The dialogue was easy to follow and pretty well thought out. As well as leaving information lingering.
"Mar was too fast, however, and his sword cut into her arm. It was barely stopped by her armor."- this part put the reading off track because it seems contradictory to me.
Overall I found this to be pretty well written. It left me wondering a few things which could persuade me to read further. Which is kind of the point. Going to check if you have written more in your portfolio.
"Soul of those who feel its glory expand,", this line jars my read only because I wonder if you meant Souls. The structure seems to fit nicely with the minimal amount of words you have used. However I feel some of it could use polishing. I would maybe consider putting a comma before expand in the third sentence as well as putting a period at the end of line 4. Other than those I think it is an interesting subject to say the least. The egocentricity of it kind of puts me off a little, but poetry should be able to do that at times.
The rhyme scheme on this was basic but on point. I enjoyed the message you will able to get across with a minimal amount of words. The only part I get tripped up on is in the first line of the last stanza. "Immortal" reference, I guess this can be taken on so many different levels that it jars the process a little. If that was not what you intended I would probably use a word a little more specific. Other than that I enjoy the poem and think that people could associate with different parts of it if not the whole thing.
Alright, I think this poem is very general. Not too many standout descriptions or phrases to really latch onto. I think the over use/use of the word perfect killed it for me as well. I think it is a confusing description unless an idea of perfection is presented. After all there are a manifold of perceptions of perfect. Not to get stuck on one word, I found it difficult to follow, wondering how he saved her and from waht? What throw prevents her from seeing the video?
Is this a personal experience? Maybe it is me and I am being ridiculous. I think that a little more detail could be used in this piece. Maybe just clarifications, like on the "slip" , how did she slip? Was it a physical slip, slip of judgement..etc. It feels like there is something here I just can not discern what it is?
I feel if you stepped back and narrowed the moment down this would be very interesting to read. I would like to re-read this if you ever feel you need to edit it.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shnyzz
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 5:16pm on Apr 24, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
