*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shyfox13
Review Requests: OFF
7 Public Reviews Given
15 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Wolfs pain  
Review by Fang
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Jimminycritic , this is a review for "Wolfs pain [18+]. These are just my opinions, so please feel free to use what's helpful to you and leave the rest behind.

*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Introduction
This story is very interesting, and I like how the real meaning of the term "Night Master" was assumed and then changed with understanding as the story went on! However, there are a few things I don't quite understand in the story. Also, I suggest adding a bit more explanation throughout. In a way I felt I was being jerked around from one part of the story to another.

*Question*My first question is, why is it that John doesn't seem particularly concerned with the fact that he's hunting his wife or that she'll be turned? Is their relationship contentious, is that just the way he is, or is that how werewolf hunters are trained to be? Maybe adding a little bit of explanation would be helpful.

*Question*Secondly, in the beginning, how does he know that the blood belongs to his wife? Can he smell her, maybe giving the reader a curious hint about the end?

*Question*Near the end, he starts to wonder how long his wife has been a werewolf, so then I asked myself, what was the purpose of the werewolf who kidnapped her if he wasn't the one who turned her?


Points of Interest
*Check*Again, I really like the term "Night Master" and how it was used in the story. John's realization of it's meaning raises more questions and I'd like to read more. *Smile*

*Checkb*I like the use of sump holes in the basement. It's really unique to this story and causes quite the predicament!

Grammar
"...lost someone dear to them and now John qualified for the title." I suggest putting a comma after "them", as I naturally pause there.

Suggestions
*Noteg*"Pulling the pin on the grenade and tossing it, he ducked back out of the room and waited for the boom.
John knew better than to leap in gunning, but this was his wife he was killing. He had forgotten about the sump holes in the basement and realized the grenade must have been kicked into one of them, but it was too late. Screw ups are rarely forgiven in this game.
John awoke to a bloody wetness that was the back of his head."


This part of the story confused me a little, and I had to read it twice to understand completely what was going on. Again, I don't fully comprehend his relationship with his wife. Is he throwing a grenade first because he want's to kill her quickly because he loves her or because she may be a challenge since she's said to be brilliant?

Also, I find just stating "it was too late" to be a bit boring. This is the climax of the story, when he is attacked, then all of sudden it's over. I think even a short scene with detail would be very much appreciated and really amp up your story!

*Noter*Another suggestion would be to mention that he was becoming aroused while he was following the blood trail, so that when he realizes she's in heat it doesn't just come out of nowhere that he was affected by it.

*Noteb*"He never told anyone his wife might be infected because he thought he could handle this one on his own." This information also seems to come out of nowhere. Maybe sooner in the story state that he had a suspicion that she had been infected a while ago.

Overall Impression
Creativity and Originality
I believe creating new terms is an easy way to really make a fictional world/story feel authentic, and it's definitely true with this story. I also like the new twists you put on werewolves, making this story unique and original. Great job!

Plot and Structure
As stated above, I feel you need just a bit more explanation through the sequences of the story, so that the reader can follow along better.

Characters
John is a tough, interesting character, but I feel we need more insight into his thoughts and feelings to fully understand him.

Viewpoint and Dialogue
Viewpoint was very consistant, and I think the dialogue fit well!

Writing Style
Your writing creates a great picture when you're describing scenes, and clearly gets the point across when you're expressing an idea. Description was well done!

~Fang *Wink*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
2
2
Review of Ice  
Review by Fang
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for your review! I really enjoyed this poem, and I feel you really struck a cord with your connection of ice and the feeling you get when you lose someone you love or really like. Well done! I really like the last and 4th lines. One suggestion, add a comma after "As days pass," because I feel there's a natural pause there when you read, and also a comma after "I know," on the last line, for the same reason. Have a nice day!

~Fang *Wink*
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shyfox13