Wow! I was 100% not expecting the twist at the end. I enjoy the feeling you added to your writing; the expectation and excitement building, an edge of nervousness, and then the ending... It was really well put together.
I would advise some minor editing. Just on word flow to make your writing flow better and be easier to read. If you do not want advice like that, do not worry and don't read my thoughts below. Please note that if you do, it is just what I think have have learned over the years. I have nothing against you or your writing, and I am super sorry if it ends up sounding rude! When I review, I normally just spill what I think and feel and try to portray it to the reader. If you have any further questions and/or concerns, please let me know!
The reunion was most overdue, with so many sentiments needed voiced that for several minutes the pair remained in the doorway. Finally the lady of the house led her nephew to the room that held his uncle.
I would advise to switch it to something like this... The reunion was terribly overdue. So many sentiments needing to be voiced caused the pair remained in the doorway for several minutes. Finally, the lady of the house led her nephew into the room where his uncle sat waiting.
This wording helps it to flow better and sound more professional. Think about the language you are using. "most overdue" is choppy sounding and does not add to the story. When writing a short story, you want each word to contribute. If it isn't, then change it! "needed voiced" is similar as well. You do not want to have two past tense verbs right next to each other. It does not end up sounding smooth.
Great job, this is amazing! I love the imagery and the depth of feeling you put into this poem.
I would say you have to create a consistent rhyme scheme. If you are going to use rhyme, you have to use it consistently throughout the whole piece.
--Silver
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/silver0phoenix
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 8:02pm on Apr 19, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "