WONDERFUL!!! And I work for a cell phone rental company!! I have to print this now to hang in our company bathroom (and that is the HIGHEST compliment you get in this place, lemme tell you!!)
Oh, I'm just filled with delight that this is getting finished!! They are such endearing characters, human but adorable. If Oliver doesn't tell the WHOLE truth soon, tho, I'm coming after him with a baseball bat.
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Oh hurray! Very much fun indeed!
The format was a little hard for me - I don't like poetry much on the whole, and I couple times you had to force the rhyme scheme (or so it seemed to my prose-loving eyes). But it's very sweet, and effective in it's format.
Liked it a lot - write on!
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This is really fun - although I wish you would keep going and going and going...
I was going to ask about several phrases and spellings until the lightbulb turned on over my head and I realized you're not American! In that case they're all fine .
If you do want to extend it and keep going, then you might start with more background, more information about the foster parents, and I would love to know how old the main character is. She could be anywhere from 11 to 17 as far as I can tell - it makes a difference!
Wow. I'm honored you asked me to review this, and I ache for you.
I won't pretend to have an amazing grasp of critiquing poetry, but this is very stark, VERY vivid.
If you want to get into technicals, you may want to think about the punctuation. Many poets specifically use it - some specifically don't. Here it's very helpful and poigniant in the "listen" line (the use of colon is great). But I don't know how I feel about the periods at the end of the two last lines, certainly the second-to-last line. I'm not saying change it, just be sure that they are deliberate.
Just one other thing - the phrase 'trembling trigger' is wonderfully alliterative - but does a trigger tremble? It kind of moves harshy, decisively, quickly - trembling connotes hesitation.
But feel free to completely disregard the above. Poetry, especially that which comes directly from the heart and reality (as in your case) can only be parsed down into grammar and vocabulary so much. If this is how you felt - if you transmitted the way you felt into words truly - then that is "good" poetry.
I hope you are comforted.
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