A well constructed and obviously heartfelt poem. True friendships are the treasures of a lifetime and you have obviously found one. Anytime an author can convey their emotions, as you did in this piece, they have done good work. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks also for the very kind review you did of my poem "Autumn Leaves" which you sent last October. I'm very sorry it took me so long to return the R&R but a lot has been happening in my life and until yesterday I hadn't even checked my WDC email in a couple of months.
Thanks again for your kind review of my piece "Becoming Dad". I really appreciated it. Sorry it's taken me so long to reciprocate.
I hardly ever touch poetry myself and know little about it but here goes.
This piece touched me. Partly because of the winter we just had and largely because of things going on in my life right now. I was moved by it and could relate. When that happens I always think the author has written a successful piece. Congratulations.
I felt a natural flow to this piece which seemed to me to complement the words. That's about all I can say as to style and technique, but again it worked to the author's credit.
I hope you find these comments helpful in your future efforts.
I really enjoyed the walk down memory lane. I think all families have an Aunt Ida to chuckle over. If not, they should.
I have a couple of suggestions. In paragraph 14 I think you should use "relatively" instead of "relative". Second suggestion: Change your classification to Article instead of short story and submit to some magazines such as "Reminisce".
OVERALL: This is a great little story. Something quite similar happened when I met my wife and still happens to us occassionally. There's no explanation save that of a higher power and we joke regularly about "there's that finger stirring our lives again". Congratulations.
TECHNICAL: There were a couple of things about this story I'd like to see you work on. The first is to always write in an active voice, not a passive voice. is dropped off is passive voice. This always distances your reader and makes them stop and think. You don't want that, particularly in your first paragraph where you're trying to hook them in. Try something like, My friend April came by my apartment. She had an acquaintance drop her off... Its past tense but not passive voice.
The second thing is your use of the tired phrase "fast forward". There's no way to break this gently, that is a tired, overused device and just lazy writing. You can make the same statement in dozens of new and fresh ways. Think about how you would tell this story if you were talking. Is that really the phrase you would use? Or would you say something like "A couple weeks later..."?
Both of these are common mistakes new writers make. I've made 'em myself more than once. But eliminating passive voice and cliches will vastly improve anyone's writing. Passive voice is tough for some people and may take some work but you can do it. There are some very good articles on this site about what it is and how to avoid it. If you can't find them, let me know and I'll try to look them up for you.
WHAT I LIKED BEST: I really liked that you were able to find an interesting story in something that, frankly, a lot of people would overlook entirely. That kind of writing makes us all stop and take a look at ourselves to see if there might not be another explanation for some of the things that have happened to us. Maybe we have stories too. Good job.
CONCLUSION: This is a very nice story. It has the appeal of a personal story told honestly. With the two exceptions noted above, it is technically well done. I feel it is deserving of a rewrite and would be happy to take a second look at my rating should you choose to revise it. I look forward to seeing more of your stuff and have bookmarked you among my favorites. Write on.
WHAT I LIKED BEST: You tell a very realistic and likely tale of the side of a terrorist kidnapping which we never see.
WHAT I LIKED LEAST: Almost certainly due to my military background, I made no connection with your main character. I believe that "bleeding heart" civilians in war zones are at best, dangerously misguided. I simply cannot conceive of the degree of stupidity it would require for a Jewish American to think that going into a war zone in a Muslim country in anything less than full battle gear was a good idea. Therefore, although saddened by a senseless death, I almost consider it culling the herd. I would really liked to have felt a connection to the main character, but due to the reasons stated it was totally lacking. That's probably just me and my personal tapes.
CONCLUSION: This is a well-crafted story with a unique slant. I hope it will find a better audience than I was. Write on.
OVERALL: This is an interesting concept and I look forward to reading more.
WHAT I LIKED BEST: My favorite part was the sensory picture you painted in your opening sentences. Two sentences into this story, I said to myself, "This guy can write!" Nice hook.
WHAT I LIKED LEAST: I felt that this piece was good enough to deserve more attention and polish. There were a couple of mispellings and the phrasing was somewhat ackward for me in places (quite possibly because I'm from the other side of the pond and unused to Her Majesty's English). More than that though, you started off with such powerful imagery that I grew a little dissatisfied as the piece went on. I had the feeling that you were rushing to get the story out there and omitting the details and energy I first sensed in your opening.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: I find myself questioning why you placed the Prime Minister and Defence Minister in the meeting. There are two reasons for this. First, Ministers are by definition politicians and therefore somewhat less adept at keeping secrets. Secondly, as you stated in your story, the very premise is shocking and draws an immediate negative reaction from the public. Even if the Prime Minister authorized such action, I feel certain that it would only be in entirely deniable circumstances such as a highly classified memo with very restricted dissemination or more likely a one-on-one verbal directive. That being the case, unless there is an overriding necessity for them to be present at the meeting, I would think it more realistic for the meeting to be between Lee and the Head of MI-6 with possibly another intelligence officer who is to provide logistical support (or play the part of Oliver North as a cut-out).
SPELLING, GRAMMAR & PUNCTUATION: In paragraph 1, "...the other drunk that had..." should read "...the other drunk who had...". The two successive sentences beginning with "The train was..." and "Full with London's...", I felt should be a single sentence with or without commas depending on your exact meaning. Finally, although I believe that a single quotation mark is correct in your usage for Lee's unspoken thoughts, I find in my writing that italics seem to work better for that purpose. Your call. You can start and end italics on WDC with the following { i } and ending { /i } leaving out the extra spaces.
In the postscript to your letter, I believe "break in" should be hyphenated.
I felt that your sentence "How’s the job, did you so and so on the TV yesterday?” should have been broken with a question mark after "job" and question if you meant to insert "see" after "...did you..."
There are a couple of other missed words or misspellings, eg "of" instead of "if" which spell check programs will not catch. I'd recommend you read it aloud to find those.
CONCLUSION: This is an engaging and well-written prologue. It certainly achieves its purpose of drawing me into the story and making me wish to read more. I look forward to reading your completed work. If you choose to rewrite or edit your prologue, please let me know and I will be happy to take a second look at my rating.
OVERALL: An interesting and at times humorous piece.
WHAT I LIKED BEST: I liked the honest way you looked back at who you were then and who you are now. I particularly liked, "I think that time has changed me for the better. Not everyone can say this."
WHAT I LIKED LEAST: "I could listen to just about anything, except Country music..." Give yourself a chance. Watch CMT for an hour. I bet you find something you like.
SPELLING, PUNCTUATION, SUGGESTIONS & COMMENTS:
In paragraph 2 you slipped into passive mode, ie, "...Jeff would come in..." I'd rewrite this in a more active mode using "came in". Same in para 3 "would refer".
In paragraph 5 you need to capitalize the pronoun "I". It wouldn't hurt to reword your next to last sentence so it doesn't begin with "Also". Would you start a sentence that way if you were talking?
Para 6 "...call and average..." should read "...call an average".
In your final paragraph, "...out on deodorant..." should be "...put on deodorant...".
CONCLUSIONS: Only two misspellings in this well thought out piece. I'd love to see those other chapters/updates you mentioned. Should you decide to rewrite this piece, please let me know and I'll take another look at the rating. Write On.
Very nice piece. The writing is tight and well crafted.
You did a good job of tying up all loose ends in a well-written conclusion.
I personally had figured out who Billy was much earlier than you probably wished. Probably most regular readers of westerns or frontier history would.
I don't see that as a problem but offer it simply for your consideration.
Your descriptions of the cardsharpe and the gunfighter were both accurate and provided just enough detail for your reader to draw his own portrait. Really good job.
OVERALL: I found this to be a well-crafted Prologue or first chapter. You did an excellent job of introducing three principle characters with sufficient description to give me a mental image. You established your setting clearly without unnecessary description.
SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: I found very few errors. This is obviously a polished piece well on its way to submission. The errors I did find were as follows:
In paragraph 13 you wrote, "...get the stone. Even..." This passage would flow and read better as, "...get the stonecomma even..."
In paragraph 25 would read better as "...growing strength of the small sphere..."
In paragraph 49 proper grammar would use "weaker and weaker" instead of "more and more weak".
Paragraph 53 contains a run-on sentence beginning with "He wanted her..." and ending with "...every morning." This needs to be rewritten into 2 or more sentences so that the reading flows and your reader doesn't have to stop and reread it for clarity.
There is a typo in paragraph 54 which appears as "dwelling" instead of welling. Spell-check would never find that one.
WHAT I LIKED BEST: I really liked the way you understated your descriptions of characters and setting and allowed me, as the reader, to fill in the blanks. There were no endless descriptions causing me to revise the pictures you were painting for me in my mind. This, I think, is the hallmark of a true professional. For example, your description of Ghadrik gives only a wisp of black hair, a soul-patch and mention that he is a middle-aged "grandblade" yet it gives me the complete impression of a sword armed professional bodyguard reminiscent of Dumas' D'Artagnon without the hat (otherwise his hair would stay in place). Very, very good.
WHAT I LIKED LEAST: There were some word choices that I found disconcerting or distracting.
Paragraph 1: You used "under" to modify Feina's concentration. I felt "in" would have been a better choice. You also used "opting" in the last sentence. I thought that "ready, willing or eager" would have been better choices.
In paragraph 8, the sentence beginning with "Silver beady eyes..." was somewhat distracting in that it made it seem that the eyes were turning the head. If you placed the phrase, "tilting its head" before the rest of the sentence it would have read better for me.
In paragraph 11 I am unclear as to your meaning in the sentence beginning with "Even with...". If you remove the first "as" it makes more sense and has one meaning. On the other hand, if you modify "its wielder" with, for example, "as its former wielder had been." it takes on an entirely different meaning.
Also in paragraph 11, and this is really nit picking, but instead of "even less" I would have read it more comfortably as "less still".
In paragraph 13 your last sentence raises the question "Who?" and I must assume you are going to cover that in a later chapter. A good way to build tension and make your reader want to read more. Just don't forget to follow through at some point.
In paragraph 26 I found "emitted" quite disconcerting and thought that "echoed" would have been a better, or at least more comfortable choice.
In paragraph 35 you speak of impairment. I think that age had affected "her ability" as opposed to "herself" and "my ability" would have been a better word choice than "me".
In paragraph 40, "...of" is unnecessary and confusing.
In paragraph 51 I get mixed messages. Her actions "She shot up" are strong and bold and would imply that the speech is "demanding". Your use of "whimpering" just seems out of place with the action. Again, this is very nit picky.
In paragraph 53, even after rereading it multiple times I can't for the life of me figure out how tears conjure. I think that sentence needs a rewrite.
Again in paragraph 56 you draw your reader on with an unspoken question. The last sentence implies that he knows something she doesn't and it will be revealed later. Very good yet subtle. Then you follow it up with a great action hook. Perfect!
CONCLUSION: This prologue does everything a prologue is supposed to do. There good characterizations and lots of action. The setting is well defined without a lot of unnecessary details. The details that are given are woven naturally into the action. Excellent writing. Write On.
This has the makings of another great story and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter.
I did find 1 or 2 spelling errors (look more like typos) so you might want to run a spell check or proof-read.
Also, since you are writing it in English, you will hopefully have many readers in the U.S. We're a little backward here and don't think of 35 degrees as hot so you might want to add centigrade or celsious to give us a mental boost or at least prevent us from putting the book down while we calculate that its 95F.
This chapter seemed to me relatively short as book chapters go. I have no suggestions in that regard until I find time to read the next chapter. It seemed like a complete scene, but not necessarily a full chapter. Also, your writing is so good that I expected a stronger hook at the end to draw me into the next chapter. A chapter ending with Nina going to sleep makes it just too easy for me to put the book down and do likewise. Please, make we want to stay up reading really, really late.
You asked for constructive criticism and all I have to offer is that you should run a spell check on it. There were 5 or 6 misspellings I noticed. None were major.
From your story, I take you are a member of the group of bikers who attend military funerals a form a protective wall between mourning families and misguided peace protesters. I'm sorry I don't recall the name of your organization right now. I've read about you and, as a vet, really appreciate not only what you do but the quiet respectful way you do it.
I really liked this one. It captures many of the endless moods of the sea.
I don't know much about poetry but this seems like an older neglected form. It reminded me of meters used by Longfellow as in Song of Hiawatha. I don't know if you were trying for that effect but that's how it struck me somehow.
Congratulations on winning Country Mom's Honoring Our Veterans contest. I hope to someday see this in "Best Loved Poems of the American People".
I'm fortunate to live in Tennessee. Folks here really appreciate their veterans and fly their flags proudly. As I drive around town, its not at all uncommon to see a flag with one or even two stars hanging in a window. The other day, I saw one with three. The woman told me proudly that she had two sons and a daughter all serving and all currently deployed to Iraq.
Our local afternoon DJ uses his show each Thursday to let families speak by radio-telephone to their loved ones overseas. And he signs off every day with "Pray for our veterans".
He's one of the few outside the military community who really understands what the families go through.
My Dad served on a tanker during WWII. I served 10 years in the Corps during 'Nam. My eldest son retired as a Bosun 1st Class just over a year ago and has been a civilian employee in Iraq for the last 13 months. My nephew is completing his predeployment training at Ft Hood right now.
I hope you'll find the time and inspiration to record a few more of the "old" stories.
I wish I remembered more of the ones my Granddad told. I borrowed from him for my story
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.
So many of the old really good folk tales are being lost forever every year as the old folks pass on. It's really a shame.
I suspect that from now on, I'll think of your story every year when April brings those beautiful blooms. You don't mind if I tell it to my grandson, do you?
The next time you see a contest for inspirational writing, you better submit this. I really enjoyed this poem and its a great reminder to us all that there are angels everywhere.
DISCLAIMER: I don't usually write poetry and know only a little about it. With that said, I offer the following review:
OVERALL: I liked this poem. It is a nice tribute to mothers.
RHYME: This is a rhyming poem in the 1/3, 2/4 format and the rhyming is well done and does not seem stretched or strained.
METER: I think most of us find meter a little more difficult than rhyme. This poem needs some work in this area. If you count the syllables in each line, there should be a pattern, eg:
In the first quatrain, the current meter is 8-6-8-8. If the second line were changed to "She's perfect in so many ways", the meter would be 8-8-8-8 and would flow better. Alternatively, the last line could be changed to "She's not ashamed to pray", the meter would be 8-6-8-6, and would still flow smoothly.
Again, I refer you to the above disclaimer.
CONCLUSION: This is a nice poem and obviously heartfelt. I think that, with a little more work, it could be a very good poem and I hope you will give it the effort it deserves. There a many excellent poets on this site and several have been very helpful to me in their reviews. If you need help, I'm sure any number of them would be delighted to be asked. In any event, please continue to WriteOn.
My overall impression of this piece is that it is a speech. I don't know if that was your final intent or if you are just expressing your thoughts. The "In conclusion" in the final paragraph definitely suggests you intended this for an oral presentation.
Be careful of word choices in your assertions. Your faith and your presentation are strong enough without exageration as in paragraph 4 where you assert that "Jesus cured millions". Considering he world population 2000 years ago, that is probably overstating your case.
I would like to see what you could do with the same essay written from a more personal perspective. You've done a very good job of explaining what you believe but I'd like to know why you believe it and how it impacts you personally.
OVERALL: This is a Must Read article for any would-be author! I know that I personally have looked for exactly this kind of information for years.
WHAT I LIKED BEST: You not only tell but also show the differences between the various types of rejection letters. You give insights into what the editor is most likely thinking when they send a particular type of rejection. You give advice on how to properly respond to each type. WOW! Great job.
WHAT I LIKED LEAST: Having to give away one of my precious 5s. This piece is truly perfect and immensely helpful.
SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: There are no errors in this well crafted and polished piece.
CONCLUSION: I would hope that the author will take the time to rewrite and polish the seam between the original short piece and the portion which was added in response to a question and submit this article. I've spent literally hundreds of dollars on copies of WD or Writer's Journal looking for exactly this sort of article. I can now look forward to finding it there. WRITE ON!
All comments are intended to be helpful and are merely my suggestions. It is up to you to decide if they are beneficial or not.
OVERALL: A great little mystery story. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
SPELLING, PUNCTUATION & GRAMMAR: This is a well-polished piece and I found no errors.
WHAT I LIKED BEST: The ending was a nice twist, although it was hinted at in your subtitle. I really liked the way the dreams and reality are interwoven in this piece.
WHAT I LIKED LEAST: Nothing. This piece is ready for submission.
CONCLUSION: This is a well-crafted and intensly interesting story. I look forward to reading more of your work.
OVERALL: This article is billed as a first attempt and I am keeping that in mind in this R&R. The author paints reasonably vivid images as he/she takes us on a tour of a portion of the city. I was able to picture the scenes put before me and their relationship to each other. Overall, a credible first effort.
SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION: There are some problems throughout this piece with conflicts between singular and plural nouns and verbs. I think these could be easily corrected with a thorough proofreading. Some word choice and usage which seemed odd to me might be simply a matter of idiom since I am an American and the author is British.
WHAT I LIKED BEST: I liked the author's idea that interesting places exist right around the corner and under his nose. I enjoyed the manner in which he took me on a walking tour.
WHAT I LIKED LEAST: There seemed to me to be a lack of a specific focus and unique twist or perspective in this article.
GENERAL COMMENTS:
Let me first say that this item is presented as an article and I therefore assume that the intent is publication. For that purpose, one must have a particular market in mind and the first paragraph indicates that the genre/market would be Travel.
My first advice to the author would be to narrow the focus even further to a specific periodical and then to rewrite this article for their peculiar readership. I felt that the first paragraph might have belonged in a query letter, but not in the article itself.
There was a noticeable lack of research in the article. By this I mean, a number of historical plaques were quoted or paraphrased but there was no original research to dig deeper into the history or historical significance of the interesting places the author took us to. I personally would have liked to know more about each of them.
I think that, for me, a better travel article could have been written mentioning the castle and abbey briefly as the usual tourist spots and then maybe focusing on the pub with its unique history and a sampling of some of the characters one might meet there. I think this would make your story both more focused and more unique. It would also give you the hook for your query letter in telling the editor that you not only live there, but the pub was one of your college hang-outs.
The ending was a little weak with "...those stories will have to wait, for now." This problem would be eliminated by the narrower focus.
CONCLUSION: I think this article is a good starting point. I hope that you will continue to work from it. There are several really good articles there waiting for you to find a unique slant or perspective to make them quite sellable. You have a couple of thousand years of history there. Don't try to tell it all in a single article. Narrow your focus, fine tune it and write us a masterpiece.
OVERALL: A delightful tribute to your son. Just a couple of rough spots in the wording.
WHAT I LIKED BEST: You paint vivid images of your son and his prankish behaviors. Really good job.
WHAT I LIKED LEAST: There were a couple of places where the words didn't seem quite right:
"...enjoying it too much to care about the consequences."
"...intense, and memorial..." should this be memorable?
CONCLUSION: This is a good story about a child who I'm sure will continue to provide you with material for many years. Write as many of those stories as you can. They will become family treasures.
OVERALL: This is a well written essay with great social value. I'm sure that your insights are helping many to overcome this debilitating condition.
WHAT I LIKED MOST: I really appreciated the self-confident yet modest and matter-of-fact way you present your story. However, most of all, I liked the inspiration you provide by overcoming and learning to live fully with this all too often debilitating condition.
WHAT I LIKED LEAST: Although I love the fact that you are sharing your success in your work, I felt dissappointed that my impression is that this story has not been published. It desperately needs to be.
CONCLUSION: This is an excellent essay about an important subject. I would very much like to see it expanded into a non-fiction book length work. There are so many lessons in your story for all of us but especially for those suffering from bi-polar disorder and those who love them. Please write on.
SPECIAL NOTE: Having spent over a decade with someone who shares your disease, I was particularly touched by your reference to identifying yourself with the disease. I have seen nothing else in writing which treats on this aspect and certainly nothing relating to overcoming that particularly vicious trap. I hope you will write more of it.
I generally like to return the favor of a review right away. I apologize that this has taken me so long to get to.
OVERALL: A very good and compelling story. You introduce conflict and tension in the first sentence and maintain it throughout. A good read.
WHAT I LIKED BEST: I really liked the way you made your character come to life with his inner conflicts. This was particularly appropriate with the theme of balance running through the piece.
WHAT I LIKED LEAST: I found the name you chose for his father to be a little distracting. Bob Evans is the name of a major chain of family restaurants based in Ohio with over 500 restaurants in 19 states. I would try to avoid the tie-in there if it were my piece.
SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: This is a well written and polished piece. The only misspelling I found was the final word of paragraph 16.
"...he had awakened.
CONCLUSION: The author has correctly indicated that this piece deals with controversial themes. However, it is extremely well written. I found the overlapping layers of plot highly unusual and skillfully done in a piece of this length. Very good job. Write on.
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