Very interesting story you have. That is a good way to get publicity for a play. I enjoyed reading it and I have not seen any grammar errors. I hope you keep writing because I will keep reading.
I have read your story enjoyed it. I have a few suggestions to make on it. Please note that I am not an expert and these are my personal opinions.
Character Rating: 4
Why I rated you 4 and not a 5 star:
Who is Elizabeth? What is her personality? They only things we know about her is: she is a widow, lived in New York, houses a few rebels, and soon a redcoat major.
You should try to put answers to these questions in your story:
How old is Elizabeth?
How many/how old are her children?
Who is her father?
Why do they seem to hate politics
Plot/Pace/Flow of Story rating: 5
Why I rated you 5:
Your plot is amazing! I love the twist where she is forced to take in an English soldier when her house is already filled with rebel soldiers. I cannot wait to see how this turns out.
Grammar Rating (includes spelling and typos)2.5
Why I rated you 2.5 and not a 5 star:
I noticed several errors.
Elizabeth wiped the sweat from her brow and the dirt from the front of her apron. What did she wipe her brow and apron with?
“Mrs. Burgen, are you all right? Forgive me. It appears my aim with a mallet is less impressive that that with a rifle and I was running in fear for my life.” Do you mean "than that" instead of "that that"?
“Unfortunately, I believe the young lieutenant here has broken those finger sir. Come with me and we will wrap them as best we can.” "Finger" should be plural and there should be a comma between "finger" and "sir" because you are switching the sentence from clause to subject.
“What is it Elizabeth, what news has the major brought,” There should be a question mark, not a comma between "Elizabeth" and "what". They should be to individual sentences because they have little in common with each other. There should be a question mark at the end of "brought" because it is a question. If it was statement, a comma is a good choice.
Her cleared his throat and gently nudged her from behind. Do you mean "He" instead of "her"?
“Come Elizabeth, we will need to have George’s things packed,” A comma needs to be between "Come" and "Elizabeth" because you are switching from clause to subject in your sentence.
Emotion Rating/How the Story Drew Me In Rating: 5
Why I rated you a 5 star:
Your story drew me in very much. I'll enjoy reading chapter two. My only suggestion is keeping an eye on your grammar and spelling. It helps to go through your story with "editor's eyes" before posting it online.
Overall rating averaged: 4.5
Great job on your _____! I hope you keep writing because I will keep reading.
What a cute way to make kids believe in Santa Claus. I only noticed one error. “It’s midnight” I said. “Do you think they’re asleep yet?”
You should have put a comma after "It's midnight". You did a good job pacing the story and formatting it. Did this actually happen to your kids? I hope you keep writing because I will keep reading.
I read your short story and really enjoyed it. Here are my suggestions to improve your story. Please note that I'm not an expert and these are only suggestions.
Characters:
Her parents: The seem like the old fashioned type who want their daughter to be perfect even though she doesn't want to be.
The main character's name isn't mentioned.
Elliot: A grumpy woman(?) who takes care of the main character.
Plot
The plot is hard to tell. What would she gain from being in New Jersey instead of New York? You only mentioned the "beginnings" of the story.
Grammar/Spelling/Typos ...silly move to buy this place she thought... A new paragraph should start there. ... amongst the driven, successful, cultured types... A new paragraph should start after that. ... against her then evolving skull. Paragraph should start there. ...she pounced on the all too golden... Omit "all too". It's not necessary to describe the doorknob. Second of all,...Where was the first listed? ...opened her CDC account... Put the whole name in because some people (like me) don't know what CDC means. ...was a steep, but just price. Omit "steep, but" ...her gyratory punishment Reword that phase.
Level of emotion the piece made me feel
It's a slow moving story with a lot of potential.
I enjoyed reading you story. I hope you keep on writing because I'll keep on reading your work.
So true! I love the honesty in the poem! It's also very beautiful. The words don't exactly good together, but I can tell the effect you were trying to give. Great job and keep writing, you're great at it!
Wow! I haven't ever read a story so full of emotion. It's very sad that such a sweet girl like Anna was murdered. I hope Claire finds the murderer and brings him to justice. You did an excellent job with the way you presented Claire's emotions. Her emotions are so life like and described so well that I felt like I was feeling her pain along with her. Keep writing, you're great at it.
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