So, let's start with this:
You said: This place has been founded by Arnelius Samuel Mackery-Ron, who is also named A.S.M.R. He was a massage therapist and became a sleep doctor. He received a bachelor’s degree in massage therapy.
Make yourself at home. Here you will find stores, malls, churches, and schools that will meet your everyday needs. When you are watching television, all channels are limited to silent cartoons or anything with whispering. As for music, your playlists will be limited to only spa music and lofi hip-hop. Our hotels provide the most relaxation with the softest mattresses, great food, and great customer services.
Again, don’t forget to whisper, but more importantly, don’t forget to smile.
My question is: Who is talking to here and to whom? Now, I know this is being said to the reader, but the reader is an observer in this story it appears and not a character.
You said this: She passed out copies of the syllabus and went over it. She then went over the rules.
“No eating or drinking in class. Even though we want you to feel at home, we don’t want this place to be a mess. The only exceptions are water. You can only have food here for a project. Next, no sleeping unless it’s for a project. No talking while the teacher is talking. No cellphones, especially when the screen is too bright and the ringer is on. However, we highly recommend you bring headphones to class. If you don’t have any, the school will provide you for some. Just return them when you’re done. And lastly, no yelling. Any questions? No? Alright. Class dismissed.”
The woman smiled brightly as everyone left the room.
It was already lunch time. Today the cafeteria served raw honeycomb, rainbow cake, edible brushes, edible sponges, and edible anything that is non-edible. For the drinks: water, smoothies, herbal teas, hot chocolate, etc.
And all I can say is this is way to rushed. A good dose of pacing needs to add here. Also, nothing of any relevance happened it class. Handing out the ruls, going over them, them game over, off to lunch we go, is lacking depth.
You said: Laqueta, her younger daughter squirmed in her seat. She hated talking, which makes the place was right for her. She was just getting into first grade. “Good,” she said, not even a whisper.
Everyone pick a partner,” Mrs. Gigi said. “If you can’t find one, I’ll assign one for you.”
Serenity was glad that she didn’t have to go around the room to find some random person. The teacher could do it for her.
Okay, so this part completely jumps. There is no transitioning at all. We were at school, where nothing happened, we are home, mom buys a car, now instantly we are back to school.
And I think I will end here as far as the review is concerned. This should be enough to work on if you agree with my observations. I did finish the story, and I will say, despite everything, I found it full of promise and interesting. It needs work, but I think you have a winner here.
Good luck.
Joseph.
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