Thank you for sharing such intimate details of your thoughts and feelings. Congratulations on the latest addition to your family. This piece has re-ignited the lost writer in me. I too have made drastic purposeful changes. The entire time that I was on the mission to move from the mid-west back home to Louisiana, I knew my goal was to get settled into peace and calmness where writing would flow like I've always dreamed of. It has only been two weeks since I made it home. I have lots of work ahead of me before that calm will fall into my mind and flow out of my fingers expressing and impressing my thoughts and wishes and deepest bright and dark secrets. I cannot wait til that day. I am so happy that you have found your way back because from what I've read thus far, the writers of this world was missing you. Keep writing!
I think this is the start to a pretty good drama. You took the mystery out already by telling who killed who.
I may need to read this one again. I'm thinking that maybe you introduced too many characters without giving them life first. So, while reading the dialogue amongst them, who was saying what became a tedious job instead of a smooth read.
“Stop it both of you” Anne snapped. She rummaged in her handbag; glaring at me while she did so, finding a tissue she blew her nose dramatically"
How does one blow their nose dramatically? This was a bit forced and could use some editing.
This is an excellent contest. Of course the instructions were clear and concise and easy to follow. So, with that said, I rated several this evening in hopes of entering and just simply forgot to paste, " My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" ."
Any chance at redemption? Please.
Thanks for being a great moderator and keeping WDC alive and fun!
I enjoy your relaxed style of writing already. At first I thought this was a foreword to your readers before getting to the introductory. Soon, I realized that you are, in a nice way, warming up for the real story.
You've peeked my interest enough to revisit your port to see if you've decided to contintue the saga of "A Christmas Best". Although I've never been to prison or jail, some personal issues has left me in solitaire states where I didn't want to answer my doorbell/knocks, phone, email... Not to say that your experience is lessor or greater but I do, especially now that I am no longer in my private solitare state of being, I could relate to you (your character).
I could definitely relate to loosing the thumb drive. I purchased a jumbo one since filling up two 512s and a 1gb one. Well, I lost that thing and possibly in another state! I personally think airport security took it but of course no way to prove that.
Anyhow, without more ranting and with more review here, you gave a great preview of what's to come of your writing. I like the style and shall be back.
Could you do me the favor of dropping me a line to remind me that you've entered the story? Thanks in advance.
I absolutely love each of these well written stories. I've read several prior to the new ones you've added and your plotting style is still phenominal. I was one of the many, I'm sure, that asked you if these were true stories. Thanks for adding that note. I think this is 'movie' material actually. I can visualize the deep plotting from some seasoned directors and producers. I will be reading the last two this weekend because these are one of the very few that held my attention long enough to continue and look forward to reading more. These are very sad stories but interesting, however. You must be a detective or have at least worked in the field or a related field for years???
You use the past tense while speaking of present.
For instance;
"The phone rang. It is the nice lady from the residential home where my aunt resides. She explains that she needs more clothes."
The phone rang and the nice lady from the residential home where my aunt lives explained that she needed more clothes.
"An attractive blonde appears. I explain to her my need for clothes for my Aunt that lives in residential care. I tell her the size is 12." (actually, since you already introduced your aunt and where she resides and her size, you really dont have to say this again as it is redundant).
An attractive blond lady appeared; I explained I needed clothes for my Aunt in residential care – size 12. Thankfully she believed me.
"They inspect each item carefully with approving nods until they reach the knickers."
One by one each item was carefully inspected and approved until we came to the granny knickers.
Don't forget to spell check. You mispelled 'blonde'.
Yes! Perfect. Thanks for sharing. Yes, I am one of your readers that often wonder who you are. I love your style of writing is why, I guess, other than being nosey and just reading and writing my response.
I like the way your organized this. It's definitely one to add to favorites.
I've had brief encounters with you before here at WC. I'm sure that you have many many fans so I wont let my ego tell me that you recall.
I'm an empty nester that has plans on writing this great masterpiece one day. I've lead a very dark, interesting life. Many of the events that caused the darkness spills over from childhood events that my mind would not, could not let go. I have been attempting to wait and write when the emotions are not so strong. Some people believe it therapuetic to write these emotional pieces. I found that they tend to evoke the un-recalled instances that send me back to darker times. I'll wait a little longer for now. Only problem with that is that as age would have it, I find that I'm always forgetting the perfect word or catchy phrase or simply the organization of a story.
Wow, I recall attempting to bleach my eyes the colour of my grandmother's. I could certainly relate there. This poetry is dark and filled with sadness and it shows, I can hear it in the written words.
I read this twice. Not that I didn't enjoy it but to attempt to understand a bit more. Did Mama die at the hands of her daughter? The one that would be forced to do "things they didn't want to do." while shoved into twisted corners with on way out?
The treachorous bunk beds and cradle? Please help me here. I know I'm missing it. Just a little boost will do.
The imagery is great here. I can see 'her' color and choose colors from an urn. Morbid, I must say, however fitting it is.
See, this is great. It was simple yet pleasing to read and filled with valuable information that eludes to the surface of the writer. YOU! Thanks for sharing you before I delve off into some of your stories.
Now, this is a creative mind at its' best. I was filled with curiosity and humor the same. You captured my attention from the beginning to the end. You even worked my emotions a bit by giving me a peep into the mind of an insect and it's detriment.
What is scary about this story is that the insect says, “May your mist one day turn upon its maker!” I cry."
How much do we know about these mists that kill insects that have outlasted dirt? Where does it go after it kills? Who can say just where cancer is coming from? What about that couple that did everything right and still their unborn child is born to lifelong, life threatening ailments?
Oh wow, how heart breaking these times must be for you. My heart goes out to you but especially my prayers.
Well, face it, from my perspective, the sort of motherly love you had is totally unknown to me (from my biological mother anyhow). So, although she is not the same mother you knew, she gave you what a mother is supposed to give.
Ok, on the story structure note, you have a few errors throughout the story that could use some revising.
As an example, you randomly capitalize words that should not be capped. Nouns are people, places and things. Unless you are saying the person's name, like Doctor Lewis, there is no need to cap doctor or nurse or hospital. If you were naming the hospital, like St. Joseph's Hospital, then hospital would be capped.
More dialogue versus telling this story would have made it even more attractive to your reader's eye.
First of all, both graphic demonstrations, top and bottom accessorize this shaped poetry well. I love how you've utilized what you assume your readers already know about higher beings and the relationship to self and combine this knowledge with the fact that, "We merge as energy
Gaea and Self in harmony.
Nice and fitting descriptive image here:
"He hoped this would add to his mystique, however the resulting coughing fit ruined the effect." Especially as an introduction to the character you plan to offer in this storyline.
Wonderful introduction. Full of vivid images and even suspense. I look forward to reading more on Eddie or his demise.
You make some good points here. Who the hell cares? Why? What business of it is yours? These fanatics need to get with the program. They need to realize the choices made long before they were parents and their own parents gave them the gift of seeing where this world of values will land us. We don't need respect. All we need is self preservation and like you state, pleasure, money and power.
I like how you use the reverse psychology to drive your point in. You write clearly and concise.
I've had the pleasure of reading each and everyone of these chapters and absolutely love this author's style of writing. I check to see at least every other day to see if another has been added.
This action packed, cognitive vivid poem is oh so true. I love how you capture the essence of how our society has become. You really do a great job in the meter of it to. Your words flow easy.
There were a few format issues that I am not sure that you saw and decided to leave this way or if you actually want it this way. The huge space between, "lean in closer and let me explain."
Thank you for the insight on how this suing thing works. I really love the cigarette victim.
This line was vivid in that you put the real spin on how this character is going to behave. I love it. Actually, I thought of Stephan King! Now, you know that's a serious compliment, right?
"On the wall that both objects share there are hundreds of pictures of Mary - I'm not a stalker; I have an eye for beauty."
" I have no facial hair. Facial hair is just too barbaric for me, we didn't evolve from those hairy primates to become hairy again." How does one escape what is as inate as what their genes will offer? LOL. Humorous, however, for you to add this entertaining view of how this character is thinking. Real nice addition.
As short as the paragraph is in the section, "Sept. 7" is, it is filled with lots of pertinent information...another view into the character's character. Well done.
Whoa! The last paragraph here hooked me...I'm definitely going on to the next segment. You have a real skill here. I look forward to reading the rest of this story.
Your subject demands attention immediately anyway, but how you deliver this messege is with absolute grace. I'll sprinkle a few comments here and there below as I read. I can already see that I will indeed enjoy your writing style.
Found in Stigma
Powerful and blood chilling is the description for this sentence: "This was effectively, one out of every five sexually active people."
But I could relate to the narration even more here: "Oh Yes! AIDS was picking up new votes everyday. IT was now President."
"They had telephonically arranged a dinner date." I like how you arrange these words. This lets the reader into how the 'distinguished' AIDS victim lives, of course outside of the description of his education and upbringing and driver..et cetera.
"After another whisky, a plan was in the early stages of birth in Johann’s mind." I like the way you say this versus, "Jordan thought to himself."
Perfect closure for Stigma.
Found in 'Cindy'
Outside of how drinking can lower your defenses, this chapter was fairly uneventful, yet very powerful in theme.
Overall, this is a fabulous first chapter. I really enjoy your style and will see you come the next chapter.
being you means that you can smell that air, feel it and live in it. being you means that you blessed the rainbow with your presence...your ability to see its beauty. being you means that you have the mind to know to write, search and expound on being you. being you has touched me even though you don't know me from Adam and surely not Eve. However, since I've had the opportunity to read of piece of you, being you has touched me.
This is by far, one of the most informative pieces I've read in quite a while (outside of text books) You write instructions well. Might you be a technical writer? I'm working on the 'groups' section yet. How do I find the menu that offers groups?
I cant wait to get to the next part.
Sugaree
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