Hello, AJVega  ! My name is Sara, and I am here to review your piece, "Chapter 2.2 - Spirit Animals"  , as per your request. Please note that this review is only my opinion.
Quick note: Any writing in blue was taken directly from your chapter. Any writing in red is my suggestion.
First Thoughts
When I read the beginning of this chapter, I wondered why you had separated the sections of the first two parts of this story the way you did. The ending of Chapter 1.1 and the beginning of this Chapter 1.2 seem to cut a pretty big moment in half. I think this moment (of previous feelings of isolation and loneliness, and a current new-found presence) would have been very powerful if it had been continuous throughout. For example: having the descriptions of Zarad's seeming loneliness and desperation suddenly interrupted by an unseen voice negating that loneliness.
Plot, Pacing, and Descriptions
The plot is taking an interesting turn here. I am curious to learn more about Vero and his exact role within this story. Everything regarding the Spirit Council also grabbed my attention.
I felt that the plot's pacing was very rapid, and I think this is mostly due to the fact that a lot of the actions and scenery/descriptions were not dwelt on, but rushed through. You have created a new world for readers to venture into, a world that readers should be made more familiar with. I suggest spending some time developing this world and bringing it more to life.
There were a lot of moments I would have liked to have seen expanded, as detailed below:
 One of Vero's teaching methods involved using these human forms-- supposedly, the monk form enhanced teachings. This is an intriguing concept. It was explored a bit later on within this chapter, with the story of the deer, but I would have liked to have learned more. Instead of stating Vero's teaching methods, perhaps you can just let the methods speak for themselves, and expand on the methods/lessons directly.
When Vero first creates the density ring, I suggest slowing down in the action there, and describing more of what exactly is happening. As you say in the sentence It was not necessary for the manifestation to tell him what it was, he [Zarad] knew what a density ring was; but he listened anyway just to be polite Zarad knows what a density ring is... but readers do not. If you slow down here and describe the density ring (by showing, not telling) readers will have a chance to absorb the information and will retain it for any possible future instances in this story. Along these same lines, I would also suggest expanding Vero and Zarad's actions of stepping through the density ring and entering a "new world," instead of saying The world around them flashed and they were now in a different place. Readers will want to experience what the characters are experiencing, and describing their journey through and out of the ring can bring that experience to life. (Another instance: Again, he did not need the introduction, but it was not something he could tune out.)
They reached the top of the hill, where a crescent-shaped stone bench waited for them-- a nice touch given that the Spirit Council rooms also featured crescent shaped conference tables. I was curious as to how Zarad knew what the interior of the Spirit Council rooms looked like. Is he a part of the Spirit Council? (This question also arises a few paragraphs later, when Zarad notices that the canyon is also crescent-shaped.)
Before his eyes, he watched the deer's body emptied of its soul, as the leopard made a meal of it. This sentence touches (I believe) upon the importance of Vero's lessons. As such, I suggest expanding on the imagery contained within this sentence. You are off to a great start with the image of emptiness and eating, but I think more can be done with the helpless deer being stripped of its soul. It is an important part of Vero's explanation, and could tie into other parts of the story as well. (The deer then became calm and relaxed: This sentence also ties into the lesson.)
POV, Characters, and Dialogue
I really liked the introduction of Vero's character, and I hope I get to see more of him as the story progresses. (On a side note: I am not sure how familiar you are with the "Game of Thrones" or "Song of Ice and Fire" series, but Vero's character reminded me greatly of a character in that series, Varys. It shall be very interesting to learn more about him.)
I am not entirely sure how I feel about Zarad at the moment. He is coming off the page as a rather flat character within this chapter. Although he is experiencing deep emotions and suffering here, I found it a little difficult while reading to empathize with him, or to conjure up as much interest in him as I did with Vero.
A quick note on a line of dialogue: "I never heard you refer to is as 'sex' before," Zarad said. Quite some time had elapsed before Zarad responded here to Vero's comments about sex and progression.
Favorite Lines or Phrases
 he could feel the cold texture of the grass crumple under his feet. This description was great. I could just imagine myself walking over a field early in the morning, the dew still present on the grass. 
The phrase a distinct signature of Earthly origin that could not be replicated in the Spirit Realm intrigued me greatly. I really really liked how you had separated the spirit world and Earth with such clear distinctions. It makes the differences between the two worlds that much stronger. The differences are also very interesting (spirit v. human nature, and all that). As you also state, so many in the spirit world kept reincarnating on Earth... despite the many perils and suffering inherent in human life. Fascinating!
"Sex is not a requirement for progression," Vero said. Amen, Vero! For some reason, I pictured Vero saying this line with a perfectly stoic expression.  
"Does the darkness of the body ever taint the soul permanently?" Extremely powerful question.
"You are thinking too much like a human anchored to the confines of time."
"The marks...are byproducts of your choices. They are inconsequential to you and you should not focus attention to them. Meditate and concentrate on the life choices ahead of you-- the marks come on their own." Just....wow. This dialogue was beautifully written. I love that it can apply to so much in readers' lives as well. Excellent job here.
Suggestions
There were a few places where I thought some paragraphs could be combined together to form some cohesion between one character's actions and dialogue. (Examples are in the next section.)
The main thing I would suggest could be spruced up a bit within this particular chapter are the descriptions, which also affect the overall pacing of the chapter. If you have any questions about the examples I provided above in the "Plot, Pacing, and Descriptions" section, let me know. I can always expand on what I meant if further clarification is necessary.
Technicals
 I would suggest combining these two paragraphs: Vero waved his hand in front of him... and The ring spun, sending out ripples...
Upon looking at it, he melded with it and its energy spoke to him... In this sentence, the doer of the action is a bit unclear. The sentences before this contain Vero's actions, and so readers may be led to believe that this action also pertains to Vero. However, from the context, I am assuming that this action is meant to belong to Zarad.
The underlined part of the following sentence is a misplaced modifier: Creating these constructions was Vero's specialty, earning him the title of Master Ethereal Artisan, which Zarad reckoned was one of the traits that helped Vero rise quickly into the spirit ranks. As is, the underlined part is describing Vero's title instead of his trait/specialty.
I would suggest combining the paragraphs that start with the following sentences: Vero smiled.... "Look around you," he said.... Vero put his hand on Zarad's shoulder.... "For all of its imperfections and sorrows, we must embrace humanity.".... Spirit and body have permanently tainted each other.... Each of these paragraphs is part of Vero's dialogue about one specific thing, and as such I believe they should all be together.
I would also combine these two paragraphs: Zarad thought about it a moment and "Does it ever go the other way around?"
{e;pencil} Combine action/dialogue: Vero seemed to ignore the question.... "Look there"
Down by the grasslands, just before the drop into the canyon, a lone deer trotted across, seemingly in fright. Here, the words "trotted" and "fright" contradict each other. The action of trotting signifies a slower movement, or a certain calmness - not fright.
Combine: Vero rose from the bench.... As Vero touched its snout, the animal trembled....
Vero did not respond, but lead led him to a nearby transference ring.
Combine: Zarad almost let go of the ring.... The Elder Council was as close to the Presence as any conscious being.
If you have any questions about anything in my review, please do not hesitate to ask. If you would like a line-by-line edit, or a Microsoft Word document with detailed edits and suggestions, I can send those to you.
If you ever rewrite/revise/revisit this, feel free to let me know! I am always willing to re-read or re-review.
Write on!
- Sara |
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How much time has passed since the end of Chapter 1 (Merci) and the beginning of this chapter? I couldn't quite tell if only half an hour had passed, or a few hours.
Was it just the word "island" on Merci's sheets that led her to remember her uncle and the island from fifteen years ago?
The following note in italics was written down during my first read of this chapter: In the first three paragraphs, you very briefly mentioned something that had occurred fifteen years ago, then went on to another thought (Merci's boyfriend) before circling back to the event fifteen years ago. I'm not sure of my thoughts yet on that time lapse. I'm trying to make up my mind whether it works laid out this way. After rereading the chapter, I came to the same conclusion.
There might need to be more information on Merci's uncle's encroachment of he island. Had Merci been with him, or had he simply told her about it, and the strangeness of the story led Merci to investigate the island? Although previous wording (a place she had been close to) suggests that Merci had also been there.
I can't pinpoint my thoughts exactly here, but I found the musings on Merci and Roman's relationship to be a bit strange. Something seemed a little... off, for lack of a better word. Out of place, maybe? Or maybe it just seemed to come out of nowhere in the plot (at least to me).
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