Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This story has a lot of potential. There's a good setting, some family tension, and a problem that needs solving. It opens to a powerful scene, painting an image of wherever this is as the main character approaches to try and make amends for a past error.

However, the receptor of his apology refuses to let it go. She has ostracized him, and she will not be moved to make herself release the punishment.


Best Elements

The setting is great. I like the old vibes the place gives off and the ominous way the old woman looms over all of it. Maybe a touch more description would have completed the feeling better, but what is here is good.


Suggestions

Like I said, a touch more description would have been nice. I'm also of the understanding that this is part of a longer span of stories, but I feel like there should have been more explanation for the ending. As soon as the PoV shifted, I found myself completely losing the thread of what was going on. The explanation for why the main character was ostracized should have come from his perspective. Then I wouldn't have lost the thread so easily.


Overall

A good start, it's just the ending that needs clarification. I had trouble following it. Otherwise, I liked the basic theme of the story. It wasn't quite what I had expected - three of swords is a card, I know - but I'd have thought something more... sword-like?

Anyway, overall it's a decent story.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

After reading this story, I felt as though the language implications were slipping past me somewhere. Of course it's mentioned in here that she goes to the Albanian mountains to find what she is looking for.

Granted there is some intrigue in here. Why is her brother getting the fortune such a bad thing? I just wonder why it ends so abruptly.


Best Elements

The opening was the best part in this. It's got enough to hook me and keep me reading through it. The story was really short, but it got straight to its point. The character herself displays some attitude in the time I have to spend with her, too.


Suggestions

I don't know if this is part of a longer group of stories. If it isn't, the biggest fault I found was the ending. It ends so abruptly, and all it has done is made me curious how she stops her brother from getting the fortune. Plus that added curiosity of why him getting the fortune is such a bad thing. Brandi might have some idea, but she never goes out of her way to drop any clues for the curious reader.


Overall

Interesting concept, but it needs more to it before I can really get into the story and theme. Don't get me wrong: I want to get into this story. I just don't have long enough, or a satisfying enough conclusion. If it had a better conclusion, this story would suddenly have a lot more potential.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Kind of cute, I guess. These two are nothing alike, yet find themselves getting along better than anyone else. It is true, I suppose, that opposites attract. The scene between them in italics was a nice way to capture them together, just for a brief moment in time. It is like they're made for each other, but in an unexpected way.


Best Elements

Nothing about this relationship felt forced to me as I read it, which I think is its best feature. Considering the entire story is focused on this unusual relationship. The main character can't quite decide what it is about her that he appreciates so much, but they get along well, and that's enough for him.


Suggestions

There's not much wrong with this piece, but there are a few places where the grammar leaves me confused. Well, the punctuation anyway. There's also a few too many 'to be' words in here, making the story more passive than it should be.

She’s ... desirable too I guess.

I feel there should be punctuation in here (censoring this just in case, nothing personal).

It makes me wonder whether I spoke English or some alien language.

I feel like there's a shift in tense. Maybe you should say something like...

EXAMPLE: It makes me wonder if I'm speaking English, or some alien language.

Or, stay in past tense...

EXAMPLE: It made me wonder if I had spoken English, or some alien language.

I'd just watch out for these things in general, and make sure you have commas to clarify things where they are needed.


Overall

I liked this piece. It has a solid introduction, a good middle, and a firm ending. I have the feeling this relationship will last a long time between these two, as they seem to find one another interesting in their own way.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Dreams like this make me stop and think, too. I wasn't sure what I was going to read when I started this, but it sounded interesting enough to keep me captivated. I half expected you to wake up and find out your grandmother had passed away - I'm glad that wasn't the case, though.

Even if the story centers around the feeling of 'death', there's nothing that sad in it. It's more like a weird, detached feeling from the dream itself. Almost happy. Not the kind of mood I would have expected, given the genre.


Best Elements

The middle is where the dream comes in and changes everything, so I consider that the best element. That's what I clicked on this item to see, and that was the highlight of the very short piece.


Suggestions

I'd look out for the punctuation on this piece. I noticed several places where there could have been. I'm not a comma expert - far from it - but when I read there are places where I think they need to be added to help clarify the sentence. This seems a given with a great many of your stories. It isn't a disaster, but I'd look through them and read them aloud (if you can, I personally have a very hard time reading my stuff aloud! I'm almost never completely alone).

All off a sudden it's like I was in a heavy fog.

I'm not the biggest fan of this sentence. It's telling what I'd much rather 'see'. Plus, there's a typo.

EXAMPLE: All of the sudden a heavy fog rolled over me.


Overall

Not a bad piece, but it needs some polishing so it can really stand out. Many of these sentences were 'telling' when they should have 'shown' me what happened instead. I wanted to see whatever you were seeing. Maybe its difficult to describe, but show me what you can describe - in a feeling, if nothing else.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

I had a small problem following the thread of the story at first. Maybe its the way it opens. I wasn't sure if I was reading a short story or an essay. Getting past that made a whole lot more sense, and unfolded into a story revolving around a self-centered woman who is not willing to take any of the blame upon herself. She doesn't have any problems in her mind, but everyone around her sure does.

Finally she takes matters into her own hands. I'd half-expected her to actually apologize and move on with her life, but that's not exactly how it went.


Best Elements

You've done a good job making a believable case on Sharon's anger. She's angry, she has an anger issue. However, she does not believe she does, and is stuck on the idea that the fault lies with everyone except her. She's so convinced about this, that she doesn't seem to realize what a wicked thing she's doing.


Suggestions

This isn't as edited as some of the other stories I have read on your portfolio. I'm not sure if that's because of the length - it's longer than most of the other items on here - or just because you've not had time to get around to polishing it completely. Maybe a blend of the two.

"My husband got mad because I told him I want a divorce."

"This is not about your husband, Sharon. It's about you and the anger you feel inside. Why do you feel the need to pass the blame on others?" She asked, a genuinely confused look on her face.

This phrasing stopped me. I re-read this three times, trying to figure out exactly which 'she' you were talking about.

She had always coward in situations where there were people 'in charge'.

I think you meant 'cowered'.

The pork was not in the least bit plain.

This is excessive description. I'd cut this out altogether.



Overall

I guess her anger management classes didn't work out. I'm curious if she ever gets caught for her misdeed, but that isn't necessary to enjoy the story. The things that happened here showed me what kind of people Sharon and her husband were, and how they reached the breaking point in the end in a believable fashion.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

There's probably some context here that I'm not getting, but even without that I thought this was a very good piece. Straight from the heart, and understandable. He lost his wife, the woman he loved, to the waves. When he receives a message from her, he goes out to see her again no matter what the cost. The cost, in this case, is his life. However, he gets to be with Karen again.


Best Elements

The story is very short, but you manage to get John's emotions into it, the history of his unfortunate romance, and a satisfying end all wrapped up in that span anyway.


Suggestions

There are a lot of 'was' and 'were' words thrown through there, and it might be prudent to go back to eliminate some of them. Get a more 'shown' description in place of the 'was'. I actually liked the beginning least of any of this story because it felt heavy, and the 'was' words.

Then there are the extra words you can cut.

Two months ago that had suddenly all changed.

This word isn't adding any impact to the story. Most '-ly' words don't, so you can weed most of them out without consequence.


Overall

I liked this story, even if it ends on a tragic note. Come to think of it, the whole thing was tragic, in its way. I couldn't help thinking that it was nice that they could be together again, even if it's sad.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is the story of a candle, flaming with its fellows as a storm brews, and being held by humans - until it is set down of course - who are afraid of the dark. It burns on until it finally melts into a puddle of wax, defeated by the wind from the storm outside. If this tale had been told through anything else's perspective, it might have come across as dull - nothing much seems to happen - but the candle's struggle just to live is enough to keep me on the page.


Best Elements

The fact that this is told from the perspective of a candle. I wouldn't have thought of it, anyway. It's also rather well done, considering the candle is describing the people in a way that might make it difficult to figure out that they're humans, and not some weird kind of monster.


Suggestions

After reading this entire piece, I feel the description is a tad lacking. I have a vague idea where the main - ah - object is, but I couldn't tell you for certain if I was asked. Most of the story is focused on how the candle is feeling, and how the elements around it are affecting its quality of life. Or the lack of life. Being that as it may, I don't even really know how many people are with the candles. There's no exact number specified, and I could have forgotten there were any people there at all.

I know there are figures of speech in here, but how does a candle smile?


Overall

You really brought the candle to life. I just wish I knew more about where this candle was. The specifics of its surroundings and company would be helpful. It could stand some more polishing, but the mood and everything is set quite well.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Aha, this story has a vicious start - the priest on the warpath against lewd women - then a nice sort of ending when the man realizes his mistaken judging of her. She's really a heroic woman, and she has had a hard time finding a church that will accept her.

So the priest goes against his earlier anger and invites her into his - going so far as to bring her an expensive wine by way of apology.


Best Elements

I'm not sure if I should laugh or go 'aww...' about how this story ends. The priest, in a way, is a hypocrite, but I don't mind so much under the circumstances. There was no way he could have known she'd served. On the other hand, I wonder what would have happened if she hadn't?


Suggestions

I don't know why I didn't feel the depths of Father Jean's anger at the beginning. His later apologies, yes, but the initial fury was kind of washed out in my mind. I'm not exactly sure why, but I thought I'd point it out.

There were some typos, but this is the one that jumped out at me the most.

He flinched upon seeing an ugly, jagged that ran from one eye to her chin,

There is a word missing right here.


Overall

A good little story. I think it could do with some more emotion to give it further life, but the basic premise is sound and the story has its own merit. A good read in spite of those slight issues I had with it.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

A rougher draft about a Spanish (I assume, I'm not good at those things) special service man. He has a daughter - no mentioned wife - and doesn't particularly like the man he's protecting. The story revolves around this man battling his dislike, and his vow to serve no matter what. In the end, he chooses to serve, even if he doesn't want to.

There's no indication as to whether he survives or not, and I'm not going to step out and say I assume either side, but he does stay true to his duty.


Best Elements

The last bit is best. That's where his beliefs have to collide, and his physical condition makes it very difficult to choose to do what he thinks is right. That little girl who is proud of him is what finally motivates him to do what he must to save the life of a man he (dare I say) hates.


Suggestions

This is rougher than the previous drafts I read. There are plenty of technical issues to weed out, even if the plot is relatively sound. I assume the time is early evening. The place is a city, I guess. That was part of the reason why I was surprised that there were crickets and an owl to hoot. I live out in the country (Okay, we'll say bush. We're past country) and have heard owls and crickets plenty. However I've never heard either of these things in the city. Crickets least of all.

Special Agent Miguel Garcia's earpiece crackled, and a female alto voice said, “Traveler is at the door.”

I hate to nitpick the first sentence, but I question the 'female alto voice' going on. The way its phrased sounds so odd to me. It isn't particularly important that her voice is alto, either.

There are other things, but judging by the previous edits I've seen, you can probably find most of them quickly enough.


Overall

I'm not from the U.S., so I'm fairly indifferent toward the subject matter, but I feel like this has some point behind its making. The overall story is fast-paced, but it spends a great deal of its time in inner monologue rather than putting me into the scene. It's not bad that way, but I just have trouble picturing the surroundings as a result.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

The nice part about this is how carefully edited most of these stories are, even if I'm not always a big fan of the subject matters. This is a horror tale of sorts, even if the murderous main character never gets to kill Mary. The chain of thought he has that outlines prior victims is enough to make the whole story chilling in its own way. I can't remember the prompt for this particular contest - I don't recall having entered it - but I can see why it placed so well.


Best Elements

The ending is probably the highlight of this piece, offering answers to the questions raised in the beginning, and closing in a satisfactory conclusion. Just as a whole I prefer the ending more than the opening.


Suggestions

Although not a serious point, I found that I'd actually forgotten the name of the main character before I got to the end of the story. That doesn't seem like a big deal - I guess most of the attention was lavished upon the heroine in this case - but looking back I felt like I should have been more aware of his name at least. That's really my biggest issue with this.


Overall

This story has had a pretty clean edit. I can see that much. There's some telling - more than I usually allow through in my own stories - but nothing that detracts hugely from the overall result.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

A rather unique take on Samoset's arrival to help the settlers. I've read several stories/books on this subject, but none of them actually focused on what it must have been like from Samoset's perspective. At least not that I can recall.

Samoset spies on them, mostly to figure out what they are liable to do in regards to the Indian population. However he discovers they're ill-equipped to handle it. When a little girl almost poisons herself, he can't resist the need to speak with them. If just to save them from the poisonous plants.


Best Elements

Samoset has flashbacks on a few matters that help ground the entire thing, giving him motivation and personality. A character that is easy to relate to under the given circumstances. He is not cold-hearted, and can't stand the thought of those settlers dying some useless death.


Suggestions

Although it's mostly fine the way it is - as most of your short stories are - I can't help but feel too many of these sentences are short and clipped. It's certainly fine to do it this way, but it's also okay to fling in a longer sentence here and there to shake things up. Short, short, longer, longest. Again, it's not bad the way it is, I'm just making a small observation.


Overall

The settlers from Samoset's perspective. As I said interesting, and more unique than most of the others. I liked his observations and opinion on what the settlers were doing. Maybe that tinge of contempt, even. Helped make him into a realistic character.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

An old treasure map catches Samantha's fancy in a bookstore, which she decides to buy on a whim. This map is left on the wall for a short time, but her friend soon convinces her they need to go and find out where it might lead. Just in case there really is treasure on the other end of it. Of course, Alice has to wheedle to get her to accept it.


Best Elements

I think the dialogue is the best element on the writing side, but the twist is pretty good, too. I had my suspicions that something was wrong with that fellow who wanted the map, but I hadn't expected something like that.


Suggestions

While there isn't much wrong with it, I could find a few nitpicks that could be done to improve this if you want.

Alice pulled on the hand brake.

This word is not necessary.

“Be easier if you took it out that frame?”

Was this meant to be a question?

Up until this moment, Samantha had assumed the mapmaker never visited this place.

What made her assume this?

A silhouette stood then transformed into a short man in a green uniform.

I feel like there's missing punctuation here.


Overall

Interesting story. I knew there was something funny about Mr. O'Hara, but I didn't know he was some kind of monster. Or - worse - that he was waiting for her. I guess it is a clever ruse, though a bit... risky? I mean, chances are people aren't going to go looking for this treasure. Still, it made for a very different read.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Colourful range of visuals going on here. I enjoyed the raging display of wind and lightning, the sparks flying and the flames. Even if I don't really understand the context of some of the things, it's still enjoyable in this state. I don't need to understand anything except the storm.


Best Elements

The tree bursting into flames is the most exciting part, of course, but the lightning's constant irritation with the wind for butting in on its business is a nice highlight for the story, giving it some conflict.


Suggestions

Mostly I think it's good. You have conflict, good visuals, and rising climax before the ultimate end of the story. However there are a few discrepancies with the dialogue tags getting separated from the dialogue.

One after another I threw my best strikes out, scattering the mere humans.

Is this word really necessary? I already know they're 'mere' humans compared to lightning.


Overall

Just watch out for the grammatical issues in this piece, and it should be just fine. It reads as an exciting short story, getting straight to its point and leaving no questions when its over. Mother Nature has to step in, of course, so its hard to say who actually won the little tiff.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

There's a lot of feeling in this piece. The whole thing is a scene rather than a story with a deep plot, but you've managed to highlight a great deal about the main character and the people around him under a thousand words. It's surprisingly detailed, almost as though they each have been fully fleshed out solely for this purpose. It made for an interesting read.


Best Elements

The woman and her child appeared at an appropriate time. It gave Stephen a chance to show his other, softer colours and helped bring the real gravity of the situation into clearer focus. Stephen realizes, at least, that he could have been far less fortunate.

Suggestions

Some of these sentences are unnecessarily long, bogged down with words they don't need or phrases that are in a slightly awkward order.

Squealing children made known their disdain for the rain, the cold, the hard benches, and life in general.

I'd put the 'known' last. It would make the rest of the sentence flow smoother.

Stephen rolled his eyes, feeling that none of them knew suffering like him.

I suggest ending the first sentence and starting with a new one. I know that Stephen feels this way, so you don't need to bother mentioning it.

He saw her, but the anger that had been building in his chest died in an instant.

This seems unnecessary, and it's telling. I'd just cut it out.

Overall

Surprisingly emotional for so short a piece. I got into Stephen's life, the hurt, and the anger he's stacked up inside of himself. Memorial day seems a sort of relief for him, as if he needs it just to recharge and make it through another year. Maybe he'll feel less sorry for himself now that he's seen someone else in a potentially worse situation.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

A short tale about a girl going to the USO one evening. There's a great deal of attention given to their exact attire - perhaps because orange was one of the prompts - before it launches into the party itself. I learn that she is majoring in physics, and something between her and that man hits off well. In the end, she goes to work on the Manhattan Project (which I feel I should know about, but sadly don't).

Best Elements

The middle. Her dialogue with the man who only smiled when he learned what her major was. I had the feeling they would hit off all right, and this conversation serves as the highlight to the entire story.


Suggestions

This story is far too abbreviated. I know you were going to join the flash fiction contest, but this story is clearly far too long to fit in such a tiny word count and make sense. I was confused by the sudden shifts from scene to scene, and the context of it baffled me more than was appropriate.

The best thing you can do in this situation is to expand it. It doesn't make enough sense as it is right now.


Overall

The theme is there. The characters are there. The dialogue is decent, but unfinished. If you really want to keep this story, I'd really advise expanding it. It has potential, but its crammed in too tiny a box.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is a good story in its way. I like the feeling of it - the tension raking through the men as they prepare to march off to war and 'grow up' under vile circumstances. The main character - Boomer - is nervous, and his thoughts dart about like they are. He thinks of a great many things while he's waiting to set out into the great battlefield.

Best Elements

It improved a great deal after the first hammering of dialogue. I felt the focus was greater there, and I had a chance to get to know Boomer better before the story ended. Or started? I don't know if this is part of something longer or not, but it works as a short story, anyway.


Suggestions

I didn't feel like I got into the main character's shoes until nearest the end of the story, and that detracted from the experience for me. I enjoyed reading this, but I wish I knew more about the main character. I've only got the vaguest backstory on him, and it's not deep enough for me to feel very emotionally involved in him or his situation. All I know is that he got good praise from the right people, and he's about to move into a situation he knows he's not quite ready for.

That's really my only thought on this.


Overall

For all that, this was a good story. I enjoyed what was here, and rooted for the characters to the end - partly out of duty, and partly because their brief dialogue showed me they were realistic characters. It's a shame not all of them will come back.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is called a chapter, so I'm not sure if it's the opening to a book, or the continuation of a book, or what. Irregardless, the light-hearted opening of this piece (in spite of the battle around the characters) is mildly disjointing compared to the overall theme. In spite of that, I found the action enjoyable, and in the brief time I knew the characters, interesting.

I have no idea where they are or who they are fighting, but it sounds bad for them.


Best Elements

The latter half. The first half of this story feels surprisingly jovial for the situation, and it's hard to get into that and a mix of battlefield happenings at the same time. But the second half is mostly business, and the tragedy that is war is easier to follow.


Suggestions

I don't know how else to put this, but you need to get more urgency in this piece. The opening starts with some of that, but discards it for favour of comedic relief. That's fine, but it has to have some of that necessary urgency still in it for me to remain invested in the battle.

Even in the end, maybe you should imply something to the main character that would indicate how much pain he must be in. Yeah, I know, shock... but still, it's so vague the way it is. Not even a tingle?


Overall

Not bad as a whole. Once I got past the time-freezing dialogue, the rest of it flowed rather well. I could see some history behind the characters. The dreadful situation they're in. The fact that one of them did not make it, and the other is never going to be the same...

The only thing I don't really know is what (and where) they were fighting.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is actually a really good story written in a letter format. I liked the main character, and the way he ended up helping rewrite history. I'm afraid my American history is a bit rusty - I'm Canadian - because I feel like most of these names should be familiar to me (and they aren't). Still, I got into this story well enough while I read it.

Best Elements

The part where he gets put in front of a typewriter is the best part of this story. It flows easily, and I was curious to see how it developed into the job he was talking to his mother about. The fun part is imagining her face when she read this particular letter. But that's a different story...


Suggestions

I don't think this needs much in the way of edits. I didn't really trip over much of anything. Except for the third sentence, which made me pause because of punctuation I was uncertain about. Otherwise, you might be able to simplify this sentence.

This is what happened and how I came to have this job.

It's not bad this way, but it could be made more concise.

EXAMPLE: This is how I came to have this job.

But it's entirely up to you, the story reads fine the way it is.


Overall

Great story. The way this young man gets his position is amusing and well-explained. He's quick thinking, and nothing in his letter would make me think he was conceited about it. It's more a matter of fact for him than a point of gloating. Nice work.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is the first chapter in a novel. It opens with a mysterious ship appearing out from behind a planet with its weapons online. This is what triggered the klaxon that woke the captain from his slumber and sent him running for the bridge, all the while giving orders to the XO on the bridge.

There's a great air of mystery around this chapter. Who are these people? Why are they in this vicinity? What are they doing?


Best Elements

The dialogue is good and the mystery of the other ship is interesting enough to make me want to turn the page and find out what happens next. What I see here is fairly well written. It sounds like this was given a good deal of thought.


Suggestions

One of the biggest issues I have with this is how you started it. The captain wakes up. This is a cliche beginning I'd suggest avoiding as much as possible. Does his sleeping add anything to this scene? Why not the reverse in that he cannot sleep?

Although I like your dialogue, I feel like I'm sadly wanting for some description. Especially of the path he takes to the bridge (what do these halls look like? Does he take an elevator or is he on the same floor as the bridge?), and the interior of the bridge itself. How are things laid out? Star Trek-ish, or more Star Wars-ish? Or something completely different?

Otherwise, I think you have a decent story here. Just flesh it out and be careful of that opening.


Overall

The mystery here is good, the characters - well, I wish I knew more about them, but their dialogue is good. I have a powerful Star Trek vibe from this, and I have the impression that's what you meant when you wrote it. For that, it's not bad. I actually enjoyed reading it in spite of my above stated issues.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

What an unusual conundrum to find oneself in. I admit, I was skeptical at the first few lines, wondering how this was going to end and how strange things were getting. He's approached by a CIA agent, asked to sabotage his wife, but apparently manipulated into doing so already. The dentist has already made sure which side he was on.

Best Elements

The body-controlling tooth. This is so completely 'out there'. I couldn't help smiling as I read it. The dialogue is actually pretty good for the most part as well, which is good. This is mostly dialogue, after all.

Suggestions

This jumped out at me more than anything else. The capitalized letters, and the consistent stammering. You don't necessarily have to denote this in your writing. All caps implies yelling, yes, but it's like yelling at your reader and not on the page. If your character is shouting, just tag that. If they are stammering, just tag that.

My second point isn't an error so much as it is an observation. Throughout this entire story, I have no clue who I'm supposed to be cheering for. David, or Frock? I'm not sure.

Overall

The end result is simple. David is going to go to dinner with his wife and sabotage her whether he wants to or not. He's got a new crown on his tooth, and that's going to make sure he does it. Interesting, and unique in my experience.

Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Thanks to the opening, I had a terrible feeling of something dreadful about to happen. I read one of your other stories (as you know), and I'm surprised by how much more polished this one is.

This is nice. The kid scared his mother with his harmless joke, and actually had me worried for a moment as well.

Best Elements

The tension in this piece is actually excellent. For such a brief span of narrative, I got fully into the beat of the story and had to wonder what dreadful mess the child had created in some unseen room. A brown and sticky mess. The absolute worst kind.

Suggestions

Some extra words you can weed out would help. I actually thought this story was pretty good just the way it is, but there's always some room for improvement.

I picked him up, though he was getting far too heavy for me to carry anymore. My heart broke a little.

I'd sum this up with 'my heart cracked' instead. The two words 'a little' are weak, and should be used very sparingly.

I laughed, mostly in relief.

I'd cut the 'mostly'.


Overall

I like this story better than the other one. There's tension, feelings, and a dreadful moment of sheer terror. The description of the behaviour of the kids is also a nice way to start, got me right in the mood of the piece. At the end, even I was smiling in relief.


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

What a cute story. The dog is appropriately introduced right out of the gate, showing me that Boo has eaten rocks and is inclined to gulp things down on random whims. This sets the stage for what happens next. Although I feel I don't fully understand what I bread tie is.

Best Elements

The ending is well done. Boo waits until exactly the right moment to reveal her crime, and make a grand showing of herself, too. Who knows why animals do some of the things they do? This was really cute, though, and funny at the same time.

Suggestions

The story itself is fine the way it is, but there are a few things that might make it a tad better. It's not really necessary, but for all that, it's worth considering.

Mostly, she lives inside the house with us and is very pampered and spoiled.

Not a necessary word.

I started getting very nervous because I could imagine another scenario and that was that Boo had swallowed a metal wire.

The 'very' can be done without. As for the other thing, it's more of a personal preference, but I feel it would sound stronger if it said something like...

EXAMPLE: I could imagine another scenario in which Boo had swallowed a metal wire.

However, it stayed in the back of my mind as a sort of nagging worry.

Unneeded words.


Overall

I'm certainly glad the dog didn't swallow wire and hurt herself, and its quite funny what she did with that bread tie. No wonder nobody could find it after that event. I wonder where she'd hidden it for all that time?


Keep writing!

~Tam






This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

A story about two (anthromorphic, I guess) cats about to eat their dinner. Dessert, rather, and only eaten by the tomcat. The she-cat has been suspicious of her husband from the start and bursts in on him, believing she's caught him in the act of cheating.

Only to find him eating a piece of pie before supper.


Best Elements

I think the opening is the best part of this. The way he talks to his dessert sets the stage for something bigger, and serves as a good way to grab the eye of the passing reader.


Suggestions

The biggest problem I have with this piece is the fact that it's almost completely dialogue. A pair of talking heads, as it was. The beginning establishes this as a story that uses both dialogue and description, but before I even get to the halfway point, that balance is completely thrown aside and the dialogue conquers all.

The next issue I have is the random "Yay~" things scattered around. This sounds rather juvenile for an adult, married person (or cat, in this case). I feel you are a better writer than this, and there's no need to resort to something this... awkward and rookie. I don't mean this in a bad way, I just find it takes something away from the story.


Overall

There's some decent dialogue here, some conflict, and a definite resolution. All in all, it has a good deal of potential. I just think it needs some fleshing out before its truly 'done'.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Amusing. If it was me, I never would have done something like this myself (allergic to danger and female, which doesn't strictly go hand-in-hand), but I was smiling through most of this story. No, what he did was not good. In hindsight, it was definitely funny.

I had also expected this story to do nothing except highlight the actual wrongdoing on the part of the child, but I was satisfied by the fact that it went beyond that and added a satisfactory conclusion to the whole affair.

Best Elements

The lead-in to this event was very well done. I saw everything unfolding at a good pace, revealing the near horrendous disaster that could have happened if something had gone truly wrong. I also immediately suspected what had occurred as soon as the fire got started. I just didn't expect something so large scale.

Suggestions

There's not much to say about this piece. It's pretty well polished, and the writing isn't bad. I assume this is a true account, and therefore there's nothing to be said about the plot (obviously).

Now it is time for you to stop and listen to your inner psychic voice and discern what happened next.

Do you need to say 'inner psychic voice'? Why not just 'inner voice'? Means the same thing, and uses less words.

a carpet tube would be a great launcher for rockets.

I advise 'make' instead of 'be'. In my experience 'be' tends to be a lazy word.

both dangerous and a potential fire hazard sending them back to the house.

This phrasing makes it sound as though a potential fire hazard sent the boys back to the house.

Please note that there are one or two other sentences like this with a potential for 'double' meaning.


Overall

I actually really enjoyed this story. It's funny - and kind of exasperating - that all the warnings went clear over his head. I guess I could understand why they did it, even if I would never have attempted such a thing. Very amusing.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Ahaha, sounds like an unfortunate situation to have a mother who cannot cook. That in itself is bad enough, but she's trying to cook in spite of everything and compelling everyone else to eat her botched attempts at making something edible. The spaghetti incident was a good example of her ineptitude, but the mention of food colouring is truly awful. Ugh, the idea.


Best Elements

The mother in question is the best part of this. She's the one burning things, exploding hotdogs, and generally making mayhem. What isn't to like about her? She's not a quitter.


Suggestions

I found a few minor details distracting while reading this story. For one thing, the capital letters heading some words for no apparent reason. This isn't a good way to show impact, it's just distracting. Put them back lowercase like they should be, and move on.

I'm skeptical about burning water. I don't think it can be done. You were probably just doing this for an example of how bad she was instead of actually meaning it, but I just thought I'd point it out.

There are some unnecessary words scattered here and there, and I'll point one out.

We have red mash potatoes.

Should be 'mashed'.

When my mom is feeling creative in the kitchen sometimes it is better if you do not ask too many questions about what kind of stuff mom has fixed.

Then change the 'mom' to 'she'. Also, this sentence could use punctuation.


Overall

It is unfortunate that she's such a terrible cook, but this story still has a great conclusion. She's a bad cook, but the father is a great one. My parents can both cook, and I wouldn't be able to tell you which was better, but this staggered example is comical.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2088964 Unavailable **




This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.