This is a very inventive story. I loved the ending. I just have a few suggestions for you.
You open the story with a lot of facts that you tell us.
The auction house was a tall structure with missing shingles, drooping shutters, and an all around creepy visage. It was in dire need of paint and was in a sad state of disrepair. It was here where the Private Auction was held, invitation only.
The Auctioneer was a tall man with sallow skin and deep set eyes. He had long fingers that he waved around when he spoke in his low voice.
These are great facts and story elements, but in a short (especially an action horror like this one) you want the story to have movement. You want to SHOW us the action, not tell it to us. For an excellent example of this, I'm going to direct you to the action/adventure newsletter of a few weeks ago by billwilcox. It's the January 10th issue. (Sorry I don't know how to link it, I'm going to direct you....go to the pull down menus under Site navigation on the top left of your screen; go to Site Tools; go to Newsletters; go to Writing.com Newsletter Archives; go to Action/Adventure; go to the Jan 10th issue.)
In that Newsletter, you will see what I mean about the difference in show/tell. While your story is good, it has the potential to be EXCELLENT.
And, now that the constraints of the contest word limit is off, you have the ability to expand it as much as you need to really flesh it out.
This could be an incredible story. You've got great characters, you've got a great plot. Once you fill in some of the bones of it, I really feel you're going to be even more excited about it. I know I am! Drop me an email once you've rewritten, I'd love to see what you've done with it and to rerate it!
This is a wonderful piece! In just a short space you've really captured my attention. I'm riveted by the read and I feel the character's emotion and sense of helplessness. Excellent!
This is a moving work. I enjoyed the musical analogy very much. It made a wonderful mental picture for me. You very much brought me into the scene and made it visible to me.
This is a wonderful free look at shooting for the moon from a child's viewpoint. I love the line - "Who said I can't fly?" It has a childlike semi-belligerent tone. A sort-of "I'll show you!" feel to it.
A couple of tiny punctuation points:
-List check s/b List, check or List? Check.{c/}
-Okay, I’m ready I have everything. s/b Okay, I'm ready; I have everything.
-I'm leaving now I’m off to the moon.
s/b I'm leaving now, I'm off to the moon.
Simple things, really. Just a few minor points to clean it up a little.
Overall an excellent work. A lovely look at the things that are possible to a child!
This is a fun and creative homage to writing! I love palindromes and this one is very clever. So often, the mirrored portion is gibberish, but yours plays very well. Excellent word choices.
Whoa...this contest "Invalid Item" allowed for 20kb, you've not even given me 5 kb. This was a pretty quick little romp! I would have liked a lot more story to lead me into this "date" and then a little more description.
Also, you've taken the main action and run ALL of it into one giant paragraph. It could use some editing. Try reading through it carefully and breaking it into more manageable bits. It feels like a run on sentence and it's a little overwhelming when you are trying to read it. I help with it here, but most of it is XGC...sorry.
Oh! I like this piece! What a wonderful peek into the past. I lived in Colorado and you've captured the aspen beautifully! I love the descriptive imagery and detail on the clothing and attitude toward "proper" deportment. I'm giving you an award for this one!
I LOVE this story! I made my daughter come down and hear it! We hope you get this published. We will be first in line to buy it. Fabulous creativity and wonderful insight into children! We hope you have a good illustrator. :)
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tblum
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 12:14pm on Apr 24, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Drop me an email once you've rewritten, I'd love to see what you've done with it and to rerate it! 
